It's Dr. Gunzburg again. Has your sex life lost some of it’s spark over the years? Do you wonder what happened to the passion you used to have for one another? Are you wondering how you can reinvigorate your sex life, and keep it as hot and heavy as possible for the years to come?

If you have been wondering about the answers to any of these questions (or if you’re simply interested in learning a little more about one of the most important aspects of your marriage), this newsletter is for you.

Based on the survey I took for this issue I know a lot of you are making love regularly right now. And that’s a good thing. (More on that below.)

But I also know how easy it is for your sexual relationship to be put on hold as the responsibilities in your life eat up more and more of your time. I know how physical and psychological changes as you age can affect your sex life. I know how feeling pressure from your spouse can kill the intimacy and ruin your ability to perform.

And I know some ways to prevent many of the problems couples face in this area.

So this newsletter is dedicated to the exploration of an age old dilemma: How do you keep your sex life alive for the years to come? I think the techniques in this letter will help guide the way.

Oh, by the way, because of the extremely positive response I have had to the newsletter, I am considering doing two every month. But before I make this decision I want your feedback.

If you would take a few moments to make sure and fill out the survey for this month, it would be a real help in making this decision.

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July 5, 2006 Issue # 9

What's Inside:
1) Turning up the Passion in the Bedroom
2) Advice for Men: Lay off the Pressure
3) Advice for Women: If You Find Your Sex Drive Diminishing
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: He’s Begging to Come Back to Me

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1) Turning up the Passion in the Bedroom
By: Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

Here’s a story, I bet you’re all too familiar with.

When Ted and Sarah first started dating, their relationship was full of excitement. Everything was fresh and new—they still had everything to learn about one another, they weren’t quite sure where their relationship was going, and every step of the way seemed a delightful new discovery about themselves and about one another.

And the sex was great! They were passionate for each other. They felt hungry for it; like they could devour each other almost every night.

It was an intense period. The mystery, the sense of discovery, and this raw passion kept them invested in the relationship and made their time together truly special.

They fell in love and eventually married. The wedding was lovely; a day they both would remember for the rest of their lives. Outdoors in a lush garden, under a gazebo that was covered in ivy, Ted and Sarah professed their love for one another. They smiled and cried and danced until the stars and moon lit their way to the honeymoon suite.

For the first few years of marriage the excitement and mystery was still there and the sex was still great. Everyday they learned a little more about each other and that knowledge strengthened the love, trust, and passion they felt for one another.

But as time passed they started to feel they almost knew each other too well. Sarah knew the exact groan Ted gave when he came home from work so tired he didn’t want to move. Ted could predict just about every move Sarah made. They still loved each other deeply … maybe even more than ever. They had just moved into a different phase in their relationship.

In some ways it was wonderful. They both felt a comfort and security they had never experienced before. But there was a sacrifice too: The sense of mystery that had helped create the passion in their marriage started to evaporate. Neither of them consciously noticed it, but both of them had this underlying sense that something was lost.

As more years passed, more responsibility came into their lives. Ted became a supervisor at his job and stayed in the office more and more of the time. Early in their marriage it always seemed like he was ready to postpone work to spend a little time with his wife. But now … he just didn’t feel like he had the time. Sarah would be there tomorrow when he had some free time.

The only problem was that “free” time never came.

Then Ted and Sarah had their first baby: A little boy they named Alex. He was beautiful and they were as in love with him as they were with each other.

The first few months after his birth Ted and Sarah went through what most parents do: A period of complete exhaustion where the demands of their new baby took precedence over everything else. At that point their sex life basically went out the window.

Then, before they knew it, there were play groups, preschool, school, carpools, after school activities, and a hundred other things to contend with that slowly ate up more and more of their time.

In the early years they felt like their life was already too busy to manage everything. Now … well it was simply over the top. Their responsibilities had tripled but somehow there weren’t any more hours in the day to accommodate all this extra work.

So they carved out time by letting go of things that didn’t seem “necessary.” They didn’t do this consciously. It just happened.

And it so happened that one of the first things to go was their sex life. They were either too busy, too tired, or too overwhelmed to make time for sex. So they didn’t.

It started with Sarah. With the kids (Bethany followed not too long after Alex came along), the housework, and what little time she had left for herself, Sarah just wasn’t in the mood very often.

Ted pressured Sarah for sex, often putting the blame on her for what was lacking in their marriage. But in truth he was every bit as responsible as she was. He didn’t have any more time or energy than she had.

In time, the problem was compounded. The pressure Sarah felt made her less willing to even try to have sex in the first place. Their responsibilities only grew, and they weren’t getting any younger. The energy they once had was starting to wane just as their sex life was.

At first it didn’t seem like such a big problem. But, in time, they both started to feel like it was driving a wedge between them. The special emotional bond they felt in the bedroom was no longer present. The flame was flickering, and with it, so was their passion for each other.

Ted and Sarah were drawing apart. Both of them felt it. And both of them had a sense that it had something to do with their sex life. The problem was that they didn’t know what to do about it. How could they bring the passion they once felt in the bedroom back into their lives again? How were they going to make sex a priority in their lives again when everything seemed to get in the way?

Ted and Sarah’s story is not an exceptional one. In fact, I have seen countless couples who end up in this exact same situation. You have likely faced the same problems in your relationship.

In the early years it’s all great. The mystery and passion are there and the sex is wonderful and natural.

Then, as the years go by and the responsibilities of life increase, your sex life starts to disappear. It happens slowly, almost unconsciously. But before you know it you have allowed your time in the bedroom to be sacrificed for time taking care of your work and the kids.

Then one partner starts pressuring the other one for more sex, not even conscious of the fact that he or she is contributing to the problem as much as the spouse. This pressure only multiplies the problem turning sex into a loaded emotional issue that makes it difficult to even approach your spouse without confronting all of the baggage that has been tied to your sex life.

So what happens? You just stop having so much sex.

On the face of it, this may not seem like such a huge problem. After all, if both partners are busy and don’t want to have so much sex, why should it be a concern?

The problem is that both partners usually DO want to have more sex than they are having. If everything were going well in the relationship they would be spending more time together in the bedroom.

What’s more, sex gives you the opportunity to bond with your spouse in a special, intimate way, both emotionally and physically that nothing else really has the power to provide.

When your sex life disappears you often pull apart emotionally as well. This causes problems to arise in other parts of your relationship, and soon you find that your whole marriage is affected by this lack of sex.

The solution to the problem would seem to be easy—just have more sex.

But, of course, it isn’t quite as simple as that. Your other responsibilities are real and you have to take care of them.

What’s more, when sex becomes an emotionally loaded issue, the pressure that both partners feel make it that much more difficult to “simply have more sex.”

Not to mention the physical changes that happen as you age which often complicate the problem even further for some people.

As we get older, we slow down. These changes can have an impact on your sex life. While there’s absolutely no age related issue that can make you stop having sex, the changes that happen as you get older impact many people psychologically in a number of different ways.

To help you negotiate all of these issues as you age and your relationship grows and changes I have some tips and guidelines I’d like to give you. They should help you keep your sex life hot and heavy for the years to come.

Reinvigorating Your Sex Life: Keeping Your Relationship Passionate for the Years to Come

On some level it’s natural for some of the mystery to fall away as your relationship ages. You do actually learn more about your spouse and some of the things that were a mystery to you are unveiled. Not only do you begin to know the person you are married to better, but you develop routines together that make it easy to predict what your spouse will do.

This happens at different rates for different couples. Some people feel the mystery diminish shortly after they’re married. For some people the mystery seems to last for a few years after the marriage. The reasons for the diversity of responses are a network of complex, generally quite personal factors that are not helpful to discuss in the context of helping you reinvigorate your sex life.

Suffice it to say that mystery often evaporates as marriages age. There’s nothing particularly wrong with this. It’s a natural phenomenon. It’s only a problem if it affects your sex life in a negative way.

In some cases, this shift, in and of itself, cause couples anxiety. You begin to think, “What has happened to the mystery? Why aren’t I as passionate for my partner as I once was? Does this mean there is a problem in our relationship?”

This pressure is compounded in cases where one partner is pressuring the other for more sex as I mentioned above. Let’s look at an example of how this all plays out.

Imagine the following scenario.

Joe and Amy usually have sex on Saturday nights. Joe has worked late every night the previous week, and as a result Amy has had to take care of the kids almost entirely by herself.

Eventually the kids go to bed, and Joe and Amy get to the hour in the night where they would usually make love.

The problem is that neither of them really feels like it. There isn’t all that much mystery or enticement about what they are about to do. Amy is completely exhausted, and, truth to tell, Joe is pretty worn out too.

Amy’s feeling a little self-conscious about the whole situation. She really doesn’t feel like having sex, but she’s also worried a little about why. She knows she’s tired, but she also remembers the days when it didn’t matter how tired they were, they would still make love.

She’s worried this means there’s something wrong with their marriage, or their love for each other, but these underlying concerns aren’t addressed. They’re buried by her exhaustion.

Eventually she turns to Joe and says, ‘Sweetie, I really don’t feel like it tonight. Is that okay?”

In truth, Joe doesn’t feel like it either, but he doesn’t want to face that truth. So he says, “Well, I guess. But can we have sex tomorrow?”

Amy responds by saying, “Maybe. Why don’t we just see how we feel?”

Sunday comes and neither of them feels very much like doing it. But all day long, Joe is hinting at the sex they are going to have that night. Saying things like, “We’re going to have sex right?” He’s constantly pressuring his wife for something that’s already become a little problematic.

They end up not having sex that night either. So what happens? More pressure from Joe, more resistance from Amy, and all the while the pressure keeps building making the whole sex issue more and more complicated.

The irony that I often find when I get people to finally sit down together and honestly share their feelings about this issue is that the person doing the pressuring often doesn’t really want sex anymore than the partner receiving the pressure.

There are a variety of reasons for this. In some cases, when it’s the man doing the pressuring, he may be covering up concerns and insecurities about erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation.

In other cases, one person may feel guilty about not wanting more sex—not being the man he thinks he should be yet pressures his partner to do it more often, reversing the guilty feelings.

Whatever the reason, all this pressure just makes sex more complicated. There is no question about that. So the very first tip I have for you is this:

Stop pressuring your spouse for more sex.

Sex should be something that is enjoyable. It shouldn’t be filled with anxiety and frustration. When you pressure your partner all you do is make it that much harder for sex to actually happen.

Pressure squashes feelings. It causes resentment. It makes your spouse feel angry, guilty, and frustrated. This is not the emotional environment you want to create if you are trying to have more sex.

The person who is doing the pressuring often doesn’t realize exactly how much they are contributing to the problem. Take the example of Joe and Amy above. If Joe hadn’t kept pressuring Amy for sex on Sunday, it might have just happened naturally. But Joe didn’t realize that, so he ended up making a bad situation worse without even realizing it.

In fact, sex probably has a higher chance of happening without the pressure. The reason? It isn’t such an emotionally loaded issue if the pressure isn’t there, and so it’s not such a difficult thing to face.

So how do you reduce the pressure surrounding sex in your relationship?

The first thing to do is simply stop asking for it so much. There is more on this in the “Advice for Men” section below.

Secondly, there are specific techniques you can use to increase arousal while reducing pressure.

In my book Saving Your I outline a very extensive step-by-step plan for doing this. If you want the complete plan I refer you to that book.

But there is one tip I want to give you in this newsletter:

Commit to make out sessions where you agree, in advance, you won’t have sex.

Instead of rushing toward sex at every possible moment, have some times when you just make out without having sex. Agree, in advance, that you aren’t going to have sex this time. If you get aroused, that’s fine. If you don’t get aroused, that’s fine too. Just enjoy some emotional intimacy with your partner, holding and caressing each other and kissing.

You may wonder why you should agree not to have sex when the whole point of this newsletter is reinvigorating your sex life. On the surface it seems like a contradiction.

However, agreeing not to have sex during these make out sessions should lead to having more sex in the long run. Here’s why.

If you want to have more sex, the first thing you need to do is reduce the pressure surrounding the issue; you need to make being with each other physically into an enjoyable activity again, instead of just another chore to fulfill.

The way you do this is by creating a situation of physical closeness without pressure, and allowing the opportunity for arousal without the demand for it.

Making out without having sex is a great way to do this. If you get turned on, that’s great. You get aroused by your partner and that’s an enjoyable experience.

If you don’t get turned on, that’s fine too as long as you both are in full agreement that this will not lead to sex. When you are in this situation and you don’t get aroused, accepting this lack of arousal fully becomes a demonstration to your body that there is no demand and no pressure—that you are accepted “as you are.”

Besides this, it can be very enjoyable to remember what it’s like to have intimate physical contact with your spouse that doesn’t lead to sex. Having make-out sessions in and of itself can be a fun thing to do.

Another thing you should do is talk about the frequency of sex in your marriage.

This is an important step to working out problems that you face with sex in your marriage. The trick here is learning how to do this without re-pressurizing the issue. How can you reduce pressure, but still talk about how often you want to do it?

The way I approach this issue in my practice is as follows.

Sit down with your partner and talk about how often you need to have sex for your body to be fulfilled.

What I am talking about here is fulfilling your natural physical libido. Everyone has a different internal sex drive. How often would you like to have sex in order to fulfill that need?

Mind you, I am not talking about how often your mind tells you to have sex. I’m talking about how often your body needs to have sex in order to feel satisfied.

Think of it this way: If you had sex last night, how many days would it take until your body (not your mind) was naturally “horny” again?

Another consideration is to look at your schedules and responsibilities. What times are you realistically both free of responsibility, awake, and in a position to be available to each other?

Both of you should answer these questions for yourself and then sit down and discuss your responses. Once you have talked it over, see if you can work out a pattern that would consider each of your needs.

For example, a couple I was seeing came in with radically different sexual desires on the surface. The woman came in saying, “I only want to have sex once every two weeks or so.” The man said he wanted to have sex every day.

When I sat down with them and asked them this question about how much sex they needed to feel physically satisfied, the story was quite different. The man said he would become naturally “horny” every three or four days, the woman said every four or five days.

Interestingly, their physical needs matched pretty closely, but somehow this couple had gotten themselves into a situation where the man was pressuring the woman for more sex, and she kept backing away.

When they realized that their physical desires matched more closely than they had once believed, it changed their perception. They started working toward having sex two to three times every two weeks—a level that kept them both satisfied.

Now, I’m not suggesting every situation works out so well. There are situations where the two people don’t have very similar levels of libido.

But often I find it works out not to be as different as the two people initially think it is. Even if it is quite different, knowing what your partner’s needs are is a great place to start working toward fulfilling those needs.

Either way, it’s important to know what your situation is. So I recommend you have the sexual frequency talk together.

In addition, you should let your partner know that you appreciate him or her and find him or her attractive and sexually appealing.

It’s really difficult to feel comfortable having sex if you aren’t confident that your partner finds you attractive. And there’s only one way to make it clear to your partner that you find him or her attractive, and that’s to say it aloud.

But you can’t do this only when you are about to have sex. If you tell your wife, “You look amazing,” only when you are about to hop in the sack with her, she’s likely to think that you are only saying this so you can have sex.

Instead, you want to compliment your partner on his or her appearance and tell them that they look sexy at non-sexual times.

Do you want to reduce your level of sexual encounters with your spouse? Here’s how: criticize your spouse about weight issues, about appearance, or about sexual performance. I am not referring here to authentic feedback given with kindness and consideration.

People change as they age—losing some firmness of the skin, gaining some weight, some change of shape, gaining wrinkles, losing hair, losing some muscle tone, and so on.

If you want a happy marriage, you have to adapt your view to accept these signs of aging, keeping your eye on the real person inside whom you fell in love with.

Even when your spouse is no longer the stunning red-head who won the beauty contest, she continues to be your stunning beauty—and you admire and compliment her appearance and tell her how she sexually arouses you.

Your compliments and words of admiration create an investment in your future happiness and the future of your marriage. These words inspire a general confidence in your relationship.

You are telling your partner that you find her attractive both in bed and out of bed, that you want to be in your relationship regardless of the sexual issue, and that she doesn’t have to question what your motivations are.

Clearly, this is an investment in your relationship and your sex life. The better your partner feels about himself or herself, the better sexual partner they are likely to be.

Ultimately this is an aspect of romance, and I have discussed how romance and sex are tied together in other places (previous issues of this newsletter and my book Saving Your Marriage so I won’t go back over it here.

Just try and compliment your partner. It could go a long way to improving your sex life.

As we have already seen in the various examples above, one of the biggest problems that people face is balancing their sex life with the other responsibilities they have to handle. When life becomes busy, it’s often the case that the first thing to go is your sex life.

My suggestion for handling this is actually quite simple. In fact, you should already know the solution. After all, isn’t this the case of the person who says, “Dr., please help me. I have a terrible headache everytime I hit myself with a mallet.”

Don’t let your responsibilities stand in the way of your marriage.

I know that this might sound deceptively simple, quaint, or even just plain naïve. Your responsibilities are real and you have to deal with them if you are going to live the life you have chosen for yourself.

But here’s the truth, making time for intimacy and sex is an investment you make in your relationship. Your marriage is going to whither if you let your sex life go. There’s basically no way around that.

If had a plant, but didn’t water it, what would happen? It would wither and die, of course. It’s a silly question. If the plant is important to you, you take the time to water it. You don’t let your “other responsibilities” stand in the way of nourishing this plant.

You need to nourish your marriage in the same way. If you deprive your relationship, you run a high risk that it will whither and die as well. Sometimes the process is slow, over years, and sometimes it is quick, in a matter of months. It’s one thing to kill a plant because of neglect. But your marriage? You can’t let that go so easily.

If you are wrapped up in other responsibilities so much that you can’t find time to have sex with your partner, you need to take some time to reassess these priorities and see what arrangements you can make so you can take the time you need to help your marriage flourish.

Too many people play the game of I’ll do it when. . . This is so common that there are songs dedicated to never getting around to your relationship. Cat’s in the Cradle is a good example, referring to a father-son relationship. Eric Berne, MD called this game, “Waiting for Santa Claus,” because Santa Claus never comes.

Of course, you have to take care of the kids. But maybe you can find a babysitter for the night, or send them to your parents for a weekend, or trade babysitting with another couple so you and your partner can spend some time together.

Of course you have to take care of your career. But is it really worth it to work late every night if you sacrifice your marriage doing it?

You have to find a balance in your life. The time you take for intimacy and sex is an investment in your marriage. Take the time to make love to your partner—physically and emotionally.

There are two more issues I want to address before I close this part of the newsletter. The first of these is aging.

I know that there are physical changes that occur as you age which can affect your sex life. There’s no question about that. In some cases these changes have a major impact on your relationship. However, there is one thing you should keep in mind:

There is no age-related issue that can make you stop having sex.

There are medical issues, but not natural aging issues. One or both of you may take longer to get aroused. If you’re a woman, you may find it takes you longer to lubricate or that you need to use an artificial lubricant to have sex. Either one of you may find that the intensity of your sexual experiences diminishes some. You might find that the frequency of your desire decreases.

Whatever the case, there is no reason to stop having sex. Even if the intensity does diminish, it’s still enjoyable. Even if you take longer to become aroused, you can still find arousal at some point. Even if you have to use an artificial lubricant, you can still have sex.

Aging issues shouldn’t really stand in the way of your sex life. Of course your body changes over time. That’s something you have to come to accept. Your sex life will change as your body changes, and again, this is something to accept. It isn’t a bad thing. It’s just different.

Allow your sex life to change naturally as your body changes. It’s a very normal part of the human experience and it is nothing to be concerned or ashamed about. Communicate with your partner.

Finally I want to discuss physical issues, like medical concerns that sometimes stand in the way of an active sex life.

If you’re a man dealing with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, you should know that, in most cases, these are very treatable issues and have been for years.

These kinds of problems affect many men. It isn’t something to be ashamed of and it doesn’t necessarily have to stand in the way of a healthy sex life. Exploring how to treat erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are beyond the scope of this letter. But there are professionals out there who can help you.

I recommend you seek help from someone who is experienced in handling these kinds of cases. Don’t get buried in your shame or pride. There is help available if you are willing to seek it.

Obesity has a direct negative impact on sexual performance as well. Alcohol and drugs of abuse are notorious for causing sexual dysfunction. In these cases, your solution might involve life-style changes as well as seeking professional assistance.

If you have other medical issues standing in the way of your sex life, there are many cases where psychological or medical intervention can help. I recommend talking with your physician, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, who is experienced in treating these issues to help you.

There are cases where medical issues stand in the way of sex. But in many instances there is help available.

Sometimes, for example, a medication might dowse your libido, but if you try other formulations with the same treatment effect you might find one that doesn’t have that side-effect for you.

If you have erectile dysfunction due to diabetes, this is clearly a medical issue and you need to go to a physician with successful experience treating this.

I recommend you do as much as you can to try and make your sex life what you want it to be. In many cases, with a little work and a little help, you can find a solution.

I hope these guidelines and tips help you keep your sex life thriving throughout your marriage. When you are both capable of sex, it is a vital piece of your relationship and there is no reason to let it slip away. Do what you can to keep it healthy.

After all, sex is one of the great blessings we have. Enjoy it.

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2) Advice for Men: Lay off the Pressure

My advice for men this month has to deal with the pressure issue I discussed throughout the article above. In my experience I have found that it is often the man who creates pressure for sex in a relationship.

As you know if you have read the article above, pressure doesn’t do much to help your sex life. In fact, you may unintentionally be killing your sex life by constantly pressuring your wife for sex.

So my advice is simple: Lay off the pressure. Stop demanding sex. My suggestion is for you to manage your own urges. You don’t rape a woman on the street just because she turns you on. Act like a man, not an animal. A man has control over his urges whereas an animal is dominated by his drive for sex.

You can manage your urges if you choose to. I recommend you show you’re a real man by doing so. It’s very likely to help your sex life.

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3) Advice for Women: If You Find Your Sex Drive Diminishing

If, over time, you find yourself less interested in sex or having sex less frequently, one thing you might consider is using an artificial lubricant.

Some women are resistant to this idea, but it can actually be a very pleasurable experience and can help rebuild a diminishing desire for sex.

Once you feel yourself lubricated, whether it comes from natural lubrication or synthetic lubrication it helps to set up the feedback system in your body and mind to give your body the feeling that you’re turned on. This may very likely help your desire for sex increase again.

You might try alternative sexual positions. The spooning position is a good example. In this position, the man spoons you and comes in from behind. This gives him the opportunity to kiss you around the neck and ears, and to be affectionate with your breast and entire frontal area.

It also gives you the opportunity to stimulate yourself while he’s inside of you. If you find that your sex drive is diminishing this position (and others) may help reawaken your sexual desire.

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4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: He’s Begging to Come Back to Me

This month’s question comes from Crystal G. in Washington. Crystal asks:

I recently divorced my husband because he cheated numerous times with different women and then got into phone sex. We tried to work it out a number of times, but I became discouraged because he wouldn’t quit.

Now he is begging to come back to me, but I can’t trust him. He wants me to act like it never happened. What is your advice to me?

Crystal, you are in a very difficult dilemma. It is clear from your question that you are struggling with this. Situations like this are never easy. There is no question about that.

A complete treatment strategy for this is beyond the scope of any newsletter. However, there are a few things I can share with you that might help.

The first step is to analyze your own feelings and decide whether or not you want to go back to this marriage. One of the things I noticed in your question is that there is a strong focus on what your husband wants. You never mention whether or not you want to go back to your relationship.

Someone who is a serial cheater is likely to relapse at some point. He has a serious leak in his character and might never change.

You probably had some intuitive sense of this when you proceeded with the divorce. Divorce is a serious choice. Before you decide to change your mind, I would suggest you carefully consider your own desires.

No matter how awful a situation might appear to an outsider, though, you are the only one with all of the interpersonal details and feelings and you are the one who has to live with the consequences of your decision.

If you decide that you do want to get back together with your husband, I suggest that before you do, that the two of you work the programs in my books How to Survive an Affair and Saving Your Marriage or seek the help of a professional in your area who is experienced in dealing with situations like yours. Then you would have some sense of his willingness to change himself at the character level.

His request for wanting you “to act like nothing ever happened” makes me suspect that he wants something from you, but is probably not willing to make any effort or substantive change in exchange.

Perhaps he wants your housekeeping, or regular sexual behavior, or your money, or your management of his schedule—I don’t know what it would be in your case. Please remember that this is a guess on my part and that doesn’t make me necessarily correct.

If your spouse genuinely wants to get back together with you, that should come with a willingness to change and work through the past in a meaningful way with you.

You can heal from the wounds you are dealing with right now. You can even heal the trust and get to a place where you feel comfortable with your spouse again. But both of you have to be willing to do this to make it work.

In particular, your spouse has to be willing to make the requisite changes for you to be able to work through your emotional issues and learn to trust him again.

Since he has so many factors working against his success in rebuilding your relationship, I recommend you do the rebuilding before you return to an active relationship with him.

I hope this helps. I wish you luck and happiness with whatever path you choose to take.

It's Dr. Gunzburg again. I hope you have been well and that your marriage is continuing to grow and thrive.

In this newsletter I want to address an issue that I have seen many couples struggle with. It’s an issue that can give you a lot of information about your marriage and it’s an indicator for how much risk you run for maintaining the health and success of your relationship.

This issue is setting boundaries.

What does it mean to be faithful to your spouse? Where are the real boundaries of fidelity in a marriage?

Most of us consider that infidelity involves sexual contact with another person, but how do you handle scenarios like a spouse that looks at pornography online? Or what about a partner who has a long –term “friendship” with a coworker that is getting in the way of your marriage?

In this issue I am going to give you answers to these questions, help you identify where the boundaries for fidelity lie in your relationship, and tell you why I consider forethought important for fidelity and how this developed over the 30+ years I have been in practice.

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June 9, 2006 Issue # 8

What's Inside:
1) Exploring the Bounds of Fidelity in Your Marriage
2) Advice for Men: The Problem with Pornography
3) Advice for Women: Emotional Affairs are Still Affairs
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: My Husband Cheated on Me with a Prostitute

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1) The Boundaries of Fidelity: A Cautious Approach
Frank Gunzburg, PhD

Imagine that one day you are on your computer at home and you are looking through the history logs for a website you visited recently.

While you do this, you run across all kinds of websites you don’t expect to find: Pornography sites that have explicit images you are shocked to see on your computer.

When you ask your partner about it, you find out that he regularly visits these sites after you go to bed “just to look.”

How would this make you feel?

Or, consider this scenario. Let’s say you and your spouse go to a party together. When you get there you go your separate ways to talk with some friends. After a while you realize that your partner has sequestered herself in a corner and is having an intimate conversation with another man you don’t know.

For the next few days after the party your wife suddenly starts talking with this guy on the phone everyday. Over time their relationship becomes so close that you began to feel like it’s getting in the way of your marriage, but all the while your wife tells you it’s completely innocent.

How would you feel in this situation? These scenarios and many others like them plague more relationships than you may think.

And they can have a devastating impact on your marriage.

The problem is that each of these scenarios pushes the boundaries of marital fidelity. They may not “technically” be called infidelity, after all, no one has gone outside of the relationship to have intercourse with another person.

Nonetheless, they create problems that are similar to those created by infidelity, and they can have the same emotional impact that an actual affair has.

What I am really talking about here are the boundaries of fidelity in a marriage. We all know what an affair is. But what about behaviors that aren’t as extreme as being physically sexual with someone outside of your marriage? How do you negotiate these “gray areas” in your relationship?

I have a program that is going to help you determine where you feel the boundaries in your relationship should lie.

But before I get to that, I want to give you my own opinion on these matters. I want to share with you how I have developed a prudent view of what the boundaries of fidelity should be, and why I feel it is important to protect your marriage at all costs.

Why Does Marriage Need Forethought? My Views on the Boundary Issue

Since I have started writing this newsletter, many of you have written to me asking me for advice about “gray areas” in your marriage.

Is it okay for your partner to look at pornography? Am I overreacting when I see my wife flirt with other men? Does my husband’s close relationship with his childhood female friend mean he doesn’t love me?

I want to clarify my own views on marital fidelity in hopes that it will help answer some of the boundaries questions you have been asking me.

I take what you might call a cautious or prudent approach to marital fidelity. Since we are on the other side of the “sexual revolution,” you might wonder, why I’m not more lenient in my attitude? Let me explain.

Fidelity is about acting in a way that shows you are actively committed to your partner and to your relationship both publicly and privately.

Now … what does THAT mean?

This is where we get into the real meat of this issue. In my opinion, that means you consistently behave in a way that limits the risk to your marriage and shows that you care about your partner more than anyone or anything else in the world except your children.

I am basically opposed to anything that even gets you thinking about breaking your marital vows.

I am not referring to visually appreciating an attractive person of the opposite sex when you are public and when you do not indicate your appreciation in any overt way. This is not the same thing as fantasizing about going out with someone.

An activity or relationship that exposes you to the possibility of violating your vow of fidelity is a potential risk and is basically off limits. This is what I recommend, but not everyone is willing to be so protective of their marriage.

This means that looking at pornography by yourself in secret (especially if you are masturbating while doing it) is one of the potential threats. It is like messing with an addictive drug. Maybe you won’t become addicted, but maybe you will.

Why is this a threat—after all, there is no one else involved? Because the more involved you become, the more you think about fulfilling certain desires outside your marriage. This can also lead to disappointments in your spouse for not living up to what you see and hear in the pornography.

I also believe that friendships which take precedence over your marriage, what some people refer to as “emotional affairs” are out of bounds for similar reasons.

This behavior sends the message that you are not actively committed to your partner and to your relationship. The more public your friendship is, the more public your message.

I think most flirting is basically off limits as well, because it too easily leads to something else over time even if you don’t intend it to.

In short, anything you do that has the potential to damage your relationship you should consider out of bounds.

Does that mean you need to end your friendships with people of the opposite gender? Perhaps you do. Does it mean that you need to stop “innocently” flirting with that waitress at the diner you go to? If you go there more than once, in my opinion, yes.

The reason? These scenarios create possibilities of risk no matter how committed you might feel right now.

I am sure that some of you reading this will resist this idea. Many people do. You may think, “That is SO old fashioned. And besides I’m never going to break my vow of fidelity anyway. I’m innocent. What I do isn’t a problem.”

You have no idea how many people I have seen who ended up in affairs where friendships were violated, vows were betrayed, and relationships were destroyed because they thought nothing would ever happen … then one day it did.

Swept up in the moment, people have the capacity to make mistakes. It may start with a seemingly “innocent” transgression. Your “friend” is having a hard time so you spend extra time at her house, perhaps late into the night, and maybe you even tell your wife about your friend’s distress to seek her complicit agreement to “prove” how innocent it is.

Now, you’re at her house, the hour is late, she’s been upset and talking for a long time, personal resources are low for both of you, and perhaps you hold her a little too tenderly or too long. Even if you don’t make out or have a sexual encounter, you both know you slipped over the line and started the fall down the slippery slope.

Now, every private meeting you have risks sliding even further down that slope toward an affair that might destroy your marriage.

People put the intensity of the moment in situations like these above their marital vows. Sometimes it is for fun, sometimes it’s in order to not embarrass the other person, sometimes it is to extend the personal intimacy of the moment, and sometimes it is to grab the opportunity that has been presented.

It happens often. And it happens to people who believed they would never cheat on their spouses.

In fact, most people don’t intend to cheat on their partners. It’s not as though one day a cheater sits down and thinks, “Now I’m going to ruin my marriage, and cause significant damage to my life by having an affair.”

It just doesn’t work that way.

The way it too often DOES happen is when people put themselves in situations that have the potential to lead to a transgression. Then, before they know it, they have crossed the line and there is no going back.

Manis Friedman makes some interesting points about situations that are seemingly innocent in his book Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore? In it he suggests that anytime a man and a woman are alone together in a room, theoretically there should be some kind of sexual charge.

He argues that in our culture we try to suppress this. We pretend that we aren’t men and women, that we aren’t sexual beings, but just people. Therefore, when two people are in a room together, there is no problem.

But this belief belies our nature. When a man and woman are in a room together there is a sexual charge of some kind. It may be suppressed, but it exists. We are sexual beings.

We do a lot of things in this culture to deny this fact. We make it politically incorrect to think this way. We rationalize our way out of these beliefs. We deny the biologically determined sexual charges between men and women.

Nonetheless, the charge is there, and sometimes it shows up in the most unexpected places.

I should tell you that I haven’t always thought this way. I wasn’t always so circumspect in my beliefs about marital fidelity.

Over the years I have counseled so many people who have been betrayed by people they trusted completely that I have come to accept this attitude as the best path to keeping a marriage healthy and safe.

I have watched relationships crumble because friends have gotten involved in ways they didn’t expect to and ruined marriages because of it. I have counseled people who tried to make an “open marriage” work, only to see one or both of them devastated in the process.

Ultimately, it all comes down to … risk management. How can you limit the amount of risk you take in your marriage? How can you make it so that your relationship is as safe as it can possibly be from the dangers of infidelity?

There are no assurances in life. Real betrayal only occurs in situations where you trust the person in the first place. If there was no trust there, you wouldn’t be betrayed. Hurt maybe; but not betrayed.

We are all human, and we all have the potential to make mistakes. Your partner might cheat. That’s a reality you have to face. Any partner might cheat.

Once you recognize this, the question becomes, “How can we create a situation in which we minimize the risk of infidelity in our marriage? How can we make our marriage as safe as possible?”

While it is true that your partner might cheat, there are also situations where this probability is incredibly low. There are boundaries you can set in your marriage that will help you minimize the risk of damage to your relationship.

It’s a little like the difference between walking across a street in your neighborhood and walking across a freeway. In both situations there is a possibility that you could get hit by a car, but in one situation the probability of that happening is incredibly low.

Low, but it is not non-existent. Just last week, in a nearby neighborhood, a teenage boy was crossing the street from his school to his home—a crossing he had made thousands of times—when he was hit by a car. He is currently in a coma and every day they are not sure if he will survive or not.

To protect your relationship you want to limit the risk to it. You want to limit the probability that your marriage is hit by the Mac truck of infidelity.

The way to do that is to set boundaries. I often refer to this as building a fence around your relationship, because these boundaries serve the same function as a fence: They keep the danger out and the love in.

And here’s how you do that.

Building a Fence: A Risk Management Program for Limiting the Danger to Your Relationship

There are two levels at which you need to set boundaries in your marriage: internally and externally. What I mean by this is that you need to have an internal sense for where appropriate boundaries lie in your life and you need to externally understand what your spouse and others consider proper decorum and what isn’t.

To develop internal boundaries and build a fence for yourself that protects your marriage you need to become sensitive about potential dangers to your relationship and keep in mind areas your partner might be sensitive to.

If you are honest with yourself you probably have some sense for where these boundaries lie.

If a male coworker is openly flirting with you, you might find his attention flattering and enjoy the repartee and yet you don’t want to encourage this behavior because it endangers your relationship.

If a highly attractive woman you meet on the commuter train comes on to you, not only should you tell your wife about it, but you should avoid running into this woman again if you can. So, if you see her the next day or the next week at the same time, change your schedule or change your location on the train.

In essence you want to remain aware of the potential dangers to your marriage and eliminate them before they become a problem.

To do this most effectively, the safest route is to adopt the approach I outlined above.

You don’t have to be absolutely rigid about these boundaries. There are situations where having lunch with a coworker of the opposite gender is okay. There are even friendships with members of the opposite sex that work.

But it is difficult to objectively determine when these scenarios are safe and when they aren’t. Remember, we are taking a risk-management approach to protecting your marriage. That means you will probably end up taking some risk, because we all do that to live our lives, but you should limit the risk as much as possible where you can.

Ultimately, how much risk you are willing to take is up to you and your partner. For example, I don’t skydive. It seems dangerous to me. Perhaps you do skydive. That’s your business and your risk.

By the same token I don’t flirt with other women, I don’t have intense friendships with women, I don’t look at pornography, and I don’t regularly have lunch with colleagues of the opposite sex. I will lunch with a woman colleague once in a while, but not regularly and not repeatedly with the same person.

I do these things to protect my marriage. I have found these are the most effective approach to achieving this goal.

Where you establish your boundaries and your fence will be up to you. But always keep in mind that some areas contain more risk than others and you should maintain an internal awareness—a sensitivity for where those risks lie.

To establish external boundaries that you and your partner agree on, I suggest you have a conversation about boundaries and building a fence around your marriage. You might start this kind of conversation with a simple statement like:

You and I have never really talked about what fidelity means in our relationship and I feel it is important that we are clear about where our boundaries are. Can we talk about this?

At that point I would suggest you ask one another a series of graded questions that start with very innocent situations and progressively lead to more and more dangerous scenarios.

For example, you could ask your partner the following list of questions. The responses to each would determine where your fence might be built.

How would you feel if I went out to lunch with a friend of the opposite sex twice a year? What if we went out everyday? What if we walked through a park to lunch together? What if we held hands on the way? What if we stopped in the park and had an intimate discussion? What if this friend put his or her arm around me on the way into the restaurant? What if we sat close together so our thighs sometimes touched while we ate? What if we sat close together so our thighs touched most of the time while we ate? What if he or she reached across the table and held my hand for a minutes or two during lunch? What if he or she held my hand across the table for more than a few minutes? What if he or she caressed my arm? What if I touched his or her cheek gently? What if he or she kissed me on the cheek? What if he touched my thigh? What if we kissed on the lips?

The list of questions could go on indefinitely and you could ask a similar series about virtually any subject.

The point of this exercise isn’t to pepper your partner with difficult questions. Nor is it to create pain and frustration in your relationship by describing painful scenarios to one another.

The point is to develop a clear understanding of how your partner feels about certain issues, what would cause him or her pain, and to figure out where the bounds of fidelity lie for each of you.

The more explicit and specific you can be in this conversation, the easier it is to know where your boundaries lie for future situations. So try to be as thorough and specific as you can be.

Having said that, there is no way to cover every possible situation in a conversation of this nature. That is why you have to develop an internal sense for where fences should be built as well.

You can also talk about potentially dangerous situations in advance if you know they exist, assess the risk with your partner, and minimize the possibility for danger.

For example, if you were scheduled to meet a business colleague of the opposite gender in another city for a meeting and a social dinner afterward, you would want to talk with your spouse about this.

Consider how much risk there is in this situation and then think of ways you might be able to minimize any risk that exists.

Perhaps you would conclude that the meeting was okay, but that the dinner was out of the question. Or, if you felt dinner was reasonable, perhaps you would agree that you wouldn’t drink during dinner so you could be of a strong mind and maintain your resolution about maintaining your “fence.”

Ultimately this is all up to you. I can’t tell you where the boundaries might be built in your relationship. That’s something you have to decide on because it is your life to live.

Based on more than 30 years of treating troubled marriages, I recommend you think of your marriage and your partner as valuable enough to protect, and that your protection be as thorough as possible. I believe that the path of thorough protection lies in using the concepts and steps I have outlined in this letter.

If you take a prudent approach to marriage, remain sensitive about potential dangers in your relationship, and talk about where the bounds of fidelity lie, I think you have a good chance of protecting your marriage from danger.

One caveat is in order. This isn’t a guarantee. The steps I outlined above manage the risk better, but there will always be some risk in living life.

My recommendation? Keep on the straight and narrow. Protect your marriage. Make it as safe as it can be. The sacrifices you make on behalf of your relationship are nothing compared to the rewards of a long-term, loving relationship.

After all, your spouse is the most important person in the world to you, right? Make it clear, and act as though this is true publicly and privately.

You wouldn’t walk out in traffic just to test your limits. Why risk the death of your marriage by putting yourself in a situation where infidelity might creep in?

Keep your marriage safe: Build a fence around your marriage. Then, you can build a garden of love with your spouse inside that fence.

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2) Advice for Men: The Problem with Pornography

Most people who look at pornography are men. This isn’t exclusively the case, and certainly this piece of the newsletter applies to women who are consumers of pornography as well. But since most of it is consumed by men, I am addressing men specifically on this issue.

I know many of you have been raised to believe that looking at pornography is “perfectly natural,” and that it’s “no big deal.” You may have even been raised to think that you aren’t a “real” man unless you have those impulses.

I am not going to comment on the “nature” of sexuality here. That is too complex an issue for this newsletter, and somewhat irrelevant anyway.

What I am going to say is that looking at pornography comes down to choice. It is a choice you make, and it is a choice you can stop making if you wish to.

Generally speaking, looking at pornography alone, in secret, and masturbating to it is a problem for your marriage.

If your wife is on travel, for example, and you want to masturbate, use your imagination. That keeps the stimulation from external sources specifically and privately in your wife’s domain.

I recommend that you talk to your wife ahead of time about masturbating while she is away. She might prefer telephone sex with you where you have the opportunity of sharing the masturbatory experience together even though you are separated by distance.

In most cases pornography is demeaning to women one way or another. In virtually all cases it points your mind outside your marriage for sexual fulfillment.

And, if you are looking at it without your wife’s knowledge, there’s likely a reason you are keeping it from her. My guess is that you don’t tell her because she would either be offended or hurt if she found out.

That’s a problem for your relationship.

Online chatting takes pornography to a whole new level. One that is even more dangerous to your marriage.

I strongly recommend you stop looking at pornography. I am not referring to pornography you willingly share together—after all, that is part of your relationship. In this case, however, I urge you to have an ironclad agreement that whatever porn or fantasies you share during sex will never be discussed or hinted at “in the light of day.”

In other words, you won’t hint to your partner the next day that you would really like to go out and make that happen if it involves other people or dangerous or risky situations.

If there are areas of your sexual relationship you aren’t satisfied with, you need to talk with your wife about this. Simply ignoring the issue and looking online for fulfillment instead is only going to damage your marriage further.

If you do feel satisfied with your sexual relationship, but feel compelled to look at pornography anyway, there may be other underlying issues you are coping with like sexual addiction or unresolved childhood issues.

In cases like this you may need to seek the help of a professional who is expert in treating sexual dysfunctions.

In any event, I suggest you stop looking at pornography. Unless you are doing it with your wife, or your wife is fully aware and accepting of your activities, it can only hurt your marriage.

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3) Advice for Women: Emotional Affairs are Still Affairs

Men and women alike end up in emotional affairs. I have chosen to address this information to women specifically, because it may apply more frequently to them. But this section, like the one above, applies to anyone in these circumstances.

An emotional affair is a nonsexual relationship that takes some priority over your marriage. We generally don’t refer to these as “affairs” in our everyday language, because we reserve that term for technical infidelity. But emotional affairs can be just as damaging as their physical counterparts.

Consider this example. Imagine you have gone out with a friend three or four times in the last month, but haven’t gone out with your partner at all.

Or, imagine you spend an hour or two on the phone every night with a friend instead of spending that time with your spouse, when your partner is expecting you to be together.

How do you think your partner would feel in a situation like this?

Obviously, it’s going to create problems in your relationship. Any relationship that takes precedence over your marriage is a potential problem. An emotional affair with a friend of the opposite sex can be particularly damaging.

Ultimately there is only one thing to do in scenarios like this, and the solution is the same as the one for a physical affair: If your husband is feeling threatened by the relationship, you need to end the relationship and recommit to your marriage.

If your husband is complaining, but not threatened by the relationship, you could probably just drop the intensity of the outside relationship considerably without fully breaking it off, and recommit to your marriage.

Emotional affairs are devastating. Don’t let your marriage be ripped apart by a friendship. If you truly value your spouse more than anyone else, you will do what you need to do to make your marriage a priority.

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4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: My Husband Cheated on Me with a Prostitute

This month, Lee A. of Virginia asks:

My husband cheated on me with a prostitute just after our baby was born last year. I just can't seem to get past the “whys” of it all. Will I ever be able to move on?

This question is a profound one, and it speaks to the sense of betrayal you must feel as you begin to cope with your situation.

The short answer is yes, you will be able to move on if you want to and if your husband is willing to do his part to repair your marriage. However, the manner in which you move on depends on a number of factors.

If you are trying to rebuild your relationship with your husband, both of you also have to be fully committed to doing the work to rebuild your marriage and make your relationship better than it has ever been.

If you are both committed to this process, you will need some assistance from a professional therapist experienced in these matters or a quality self-help program that can guide you through. I refer you to my book How to Survive An Affair for more details.

Don’t expect this process to be easy. It won’t be. It’s going to take work and perseverance, but you can make it through this and you can heal if you know how to do it.

You also shouldn’t expect to understand exactly why your husband cheated on you. With the right help you can get past the “whys” of it, but you probably won’t ever fully understand what led to the behavior, because you aren’t a cheater.

Having said that, you can get some perspectives on why cheaters cheat, and I give you that information in the book.

If you and your spouse are no longer together or you are planning to divorce, you can make it through that process as well. I can’t advise you on what to choose in this regard – divorce or working it out – but I can tell you that whatever you choose, given time and the right method, you can heal.

For some women, the knowledge of their husbands having been out with a prostitute is the worst kind of affair, and for other women, they might think that wasn’t as bad as it could have been because there was no “love” involved.

In any case, I know affairs cause a lot of pain. I know you are in that pain right now. But, take heart, in time you will move on and the pain will fade.

It's Dr. Gunzburg again. Do you and your spouse ever go out just to have fun and enjoy each other anymore? When was the last time you had a wonderful date with your partner? Was it last week? Last month? Six months ago? Or even longer?

I know it might seem like a strange question to ask, especially if your marriage hasn’t been going very well recently. If you have been facing marital problems, or worse, been suffering from the wounds of infidelity, going out and having a good time with your partner may be the furthest thing from your mind right now.

But I’m not asking you these questions to be glib or make light of your situation. I’m asking for a much more important reason.

The truth that many of you might not know is that having fun with your spouse is one of the best ways you can begin to heal your relationship right now… no matter what problems you are suffering from.

I’m not just making this up. There are actually psychological reasons that having fun together helps you put your relationship back together again.

What’s more I have seen people use the techniques I am going to share with you in this email to start enjoying time together again, and it has done wonders for their relationships.

So get ready to put aside your “issues” for a little while. This newsletter is going to focus on having fun with and actually enjoying your spouse again.

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May 1, 2006 Issue # 7

What's Inside:
1)Have Fun to Heal Your Relationship
2) Advice for Men: Don’t Let Your “Responsibilities” Get in the Way of Your Marriage 3) Advice for Women: Keep the Mood Light to Keep the Marriage Fun
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: My Husband Ended the Affair, Should He Call His Paramour and Tell Her?

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1) Have Fun to Heal Your Relationship
Frank Gunzburg, PhD

If you read this newsletter I am assuming one of three things about your current marital situation:

1. You are currently having problems in your marriage you want to resolve.

2. You may have started overcoming your problems, but you still want some help making your relationship as good as it can be.

3. You do not have problems in your marriage, and you want to make sure it stays that way.

Now the reason I point this out is because if you are in any of these groups it is very likely you are focusing largely on the problems (or potential problems) in your marriage. You are trying to work out your “issues” so you can overcome whatever trouble you are currently facing and make your marriage as happy and healthy as it can be.

There is no question that this is the right path to take. If you are going to overcome the problems you face in your marriage, if you are going to make your marriage the best marriage it can be, it is of the utmost importance that you learn skills that will help you address your problems and overcome them.

After all I wouldn’t focus a whole newsletter on how to save your marriage if it weren’t important for you to learn the skills I’m trying to share with you.

But there is a dangerous Catch-22 some couples fall into when they start focusing on and trying to work on their problems.

Some couples tend to start focusing ONLY on dealing with their problems.

If you find yourself in this situation you might notice that all your communication revolves around your “issues,” all your free time is spent learning techniques to solve problems, and all your energy is bent toward overcoming the problems in your marriage.

While this seems like the path to take if your marriage is in trouble, spending all your time dealing with your problems can actually be as detrimental as not discussing your problems at all.

Let me explain.

When you spend every waking moment talking about issues and working to resolve problems it starts to feel like you are in a psychiatric hospital. In this kind of environment you would expect to spend all your time in therapy, talking, trying to overcome your problems.

But you AREN’T in a psychiatric hospital. You are out in the world living your day to day lives. Behaving as though you are in a psychiatric ward by spending every waking moment focusing on your problems isn’t healthy in this context.

In fact, it can actually drive the two of you apart over time.

If you spend all your time with your spouse talking about your problems you will unconsciously begin to associate being in your spouse’s presence with all the problems you have to face and deal with in your marriage.

As you might imagine, this is not the ideal environment to heal your relationship.

On the other hand, if you go out and have fun with your partner, you will slowly develop an association between the good feelings you have when you are on a date, and the presence of your partner.

This means that even when you aren’t out on a date with your spouse you are more likely to have positive feelings when he or she is around. You will naturally bring that unconscious association you develop when you have fun with your spouse into your day to day life and this will make it that much easier to be around him and feel good at the same time.

This is a MUCH more effective environment in which to heal your relationship and make your marriage flourish.

To put all this more simply: Having fun is good for your marriage! If you don’t go out and have fun, it will be really difficult to heal from the problems you are suffering from right now … whatever they are.

Now, I’m obviously not suggesting that you give up on communicating about and attempting to overcome the problems that currently plague your marriage. That would definitely have a detrimental effect on your relationship.

What I AM suggesting is that you temper the amount of time you spend focusing on your problems by adding in some time where you simply relax and have fun with your spouse.

I know this may sound difficult, even ridiculous, if you have been suffering with problems in your marriage. Especially if you have been coping with something as severe as infidelity, going out and having fun with your partner right now may seem almost impossible.

But it can be done.

My 3-Step System for Learning How to Have Fun with Your Spouse is an excellent method for discovering how you can go out and start enjoying some time with your partner. And I want to share that system with you now.

My 3-Step System for Learning How to Have Fun with Your Spouse

At this point, the reasons for going out and having fun with your spouse are probably relatively clear to you. However knowing HOW to have fun with your spouse may not be so clear.

Over the years, you may have lost a sense for what you enjoy doing together. What’s more, you may not be able to decide what to do, you may not have a whole lot of money to go out, you may think you “don’t have the time,” or you might believe that your marriage is simply too troubled to start having fun with your partner right now.

Let me assure you that NONE of these is a reason to stop having fun with your partner. You can figure out what you enjoy doing, you don’t need to have a whole lot of money to have fun, and deciding what you want to do can be as simple as keeping a list of fun activities you want to try and simply going through that list one at a time.

What’s more, the idea that you “don’t have time” to have fun with your spouse is probably erroneous. The truth is that you can’t afford not to have fun with your spouse.

Having fun is one of the most important methods you have for nurturing your relationship. Saying you don’t have time to do it is like saying you don’t have time to water your plants. If you keep doing this the plants will die. The same holds true for your marriage. If you don’t make the time to nurture your marriage, it will perish.

Think of it another way: What if, God forbid, you were hospitalized. Where would you get that time from?

Finally, having fun when your marriage is in real trouble can be difficult, but that doesn’t make it impossible. Even if you are trying to overcome something as severe as infidelity you can still make an effort to have fun with your partner.

Any work you do on your relationship generally requires that you temporarily put aside your personal bad feelings for the sake of the relationship. For example, to have a productive conversation about your problems you need to put aside your own bad feelings long enough to understand the other person’s position and communicate yours in a rational, meaningful way.

The same holds true for having fun. If your marriage is in real trouble, putting aside your bad feelings long enough to have a fun date with your partner is as important as putting aside those feelings to have a deep heartfelt conversation.

In short, you shouldn’t let these potential roadblocks keep you from having fun.

Instead, you should use My 3-Step Method for Learning How to Have Fun with Your Spouse Again to help you figure out what you can do to start enjoying one another so you can rebuild your relationship.

Here’s how you do it.

Step 1: Research What You Want to Do

The first thing you need to do to start having fun with your spouse is figure out what you might like to do to enjoy some time together.

For some of you, this might be the most difficult step in the whole process. After all, if you knew what to do to have fun with your partner, you would probably already be doing it.

Not to worry, it isn’t that hard to come up with some ideas of fun activities you can share if you are willing to open your mind to new alternatives. In fact, one effective way to approach this is for each of you to spend some time, on your own, brainstorming things you think you might like to do as a couple.

Learning how to brainstorm well is actually a multi-step process in and of itself. I am not going to go into it in detail here, because I don’t have the space. However, you can see my book How to Survive an Affair for more information.

Nonetheless, I do want to give you some ideas to get your creative juices flowing so you can come up with some good ideas on how to start having fun again.

To start with, I would suggest you get out a piece of paper and take notes on ANY IDEA that pops into your mind in terms of how to have fun with your partner.

And when I say any idea, I mean literally any idea! One of the keys to a good brainstorming session is to try and think outside the box. Allowing yourself to write down even your most outrageous ideas can help you liberate yourself to come up with more realistic ways to have fun.

So write down every single idea that comes up. If the idea of bungee jumping pops into your mind write it down, even if it isn’t something you would ever consider doing. In the next step we will refine your list to reflect a more realistic plan for having fun.

For now, write down everything.

Keeping that in mind, you can use the following questions, concepts, and possible ways to research ways to have fun as a means to help you generate ideas:

*Are there things you liked to do alone in the past but no longer do? What were they? Write these down.

*Are there things you liked to do with your spouse in the past, but no longer do? What were they? Write these down. Remember, you are not evaluating whether or not they would be fun at this point.

*Think about some of your favorite memories with your spouse. What were you doing? Write these down.

*Look through your local paper, contact high schools and junior colleges, get in touch with government agencies, and see if any of these places are venues for you to find fun ideas.

*Got to the library and see if they have a list of upcoming events that you might be interested in. Write down things that other people find fun, even if you don’t.

If you try these things and you still don’t have anything fun on your list that you and your spouse might do, here are a few ideas that I have come up with in the past that might help jumpstart the process for you:

*Free days at the local museum
*Free concerts in the park
*Community walks
*Hikes
*Garden explorations
*Family days at the local aquarium
*Wine tasting
*Craft fairs (you don’t have to spend anything to have fun looking)
*Lectures
*Readings
*Presentations at local universities and colleges and even high schools
*Church dinners
*Dances
*Farmer’s markets
*Bike rides
*Horseback riding
*Readings at libraries
*Hay rides
*Square dances
*Ice skating
*Sledding

Notice that this list contains a lot of different ideas. Some of them cost money, some of them don’t. Some of them would mean sitting quietly with your spouse, others would mean actively communicating. Some are more “city” oriented, others are more “country” oriented.

Ultimately this list only scratches the surface. The possible ways you might have fun with your partner are only limited by your imagination.

So do your research and come up with a good long list of possible ways to enjoy some fun time with your partner.

I recommend you come up with a list of at least 20 different fun things you could do with your partner, but a list of 50 or more is even better.

Once you have generated this list, it’s time to move on to step 2 in the process and refine your list.

Step 2: Refine Your List

After you have completed your brainstorming session, and you have a substantial list of fun ideas, it is time to refine your list so you can work with a smaller more realistic set of activities you and your partner might try together.

To do this, start by eliminating all of the ideas that are completely outrageous. If you had a good brainstorming session it’s likely that you have at least one or two ideas on your list that you would never consider trying in reality.

For example, if you were one of the people that put something like “bungee jumping” down on the paper and that is something you wouldn’t consider in your wildest dreams, it’s going to come off your list.

However, I recommend you talk about even these outrageous ideas when you talk with your spouse about all this in the next step, because the discussion could generate some idea or ideas that neither of you had before.

So discuss the idea, then pull it off the list.

While you do this, maintain an open mind for a broader range of interests than what you have done before. Try and keep an attitude where you would be willing to try some things once as long as they are not illegal, immoral, and neither of you has a strong objection to them.

Once you have gone through the outrageous ideas, review your lists for activities that you can’t or won’t do based on your personal circumstances.

If you are on a budget and you are looking for fun ideas to try that don’t cost a whole lot of money, then get rid of the ideas that fall outside your budget (at least for now)—put these on a separate list for later. (In fact, I recommend you hold on to all of your lists so you can review some of the rejected items again in the future to possibly stimulate other ideas.) If you or your spouse “isn’t the outdoor type,” then eliminate ideas that revolve around being in that environment.

The idea here is to narrow down your list to a set of ideas that you and your spouse might like to try. Much of this will be based on your personal preferences, so I can’t tell you exactly which ideas need to come off the list. Just use your own experience and your personal preferences and refine your list to a realistic set of fun ideas you want to try.

Once you have done this, it’s time for the final step in the process. This step is going to give you your final list of ideas so you won’t have to worry about what you want to do for fun again.

Step 3: Rank Order and Rate Your List

Now that you have completed the last two steps, it’s time to finalize the process. You do this by rank ordering and rating your list.

Start by rewriting your ideas in the order you would like to try them. The first idea on this new list would be the one you are most excited to try, the last idea on the list would be the one you are least excited about.

Next go through and rate your highest, lowest, and middle activities on a scale from 1 to 10 using your personal preferences. Use 1 to mean, “I’m not really all that excited to try this,” and 10 to mean, “I can hardly wait to go out and try this with my partner.”

Once you have ranked some sample items on your list based on your personal preferences, go through rank it for what you think your partner would like to do. You can use the same 1 to 10 scale above to rank what you think your partner’s preferences would be.

This list is your starting point to have a discussion with your partner about bringing the fun back in to your relationship. When you both have completed this exercise, sit down and have another conversation about the ideas you have come up with.

If you wish, you can share your papers with each other, discuss the rankings you gave your ideas, and explore why you think the ideas you came up with would be fun.

During this conversation I would also encourage you to create one final list of mutual fun activities you would like to try based on the lists you created and the conversations you had about your ideas.

If you come up with new ideas to add to this final list … great! The point is simply to come up with a list of ideas the two of you would like to try together.

By doing this you eliminate many of the problems people have when they are trying to have fun with one another. If you keep your list in a place where you can easily refer to it, you won’t have to try and think of something fun to do on the spot. You can simply look back on your list and choose a fun option to try.

And if you are one of those couples that has a hard time deciding what to do, you can simply use the ranking on your list and work through each idea one at a time. You don’t have to do a “10” activity to have fun or to enjoy each other.

Whatever you choose, keep this in mind:

This is only a working list. It’s not written in stone. Consider it a living list—change it as you gather new information about what you try and what you want to try. If you come up with new ideas over time add them to the list.

Don’t be rigid. Simply do what you enjoy doing as a couple. The point of the list is to reinvigorate your marriage by adding a bit of creative fun into your lives again. It is not meant to be another yardstick to succeed or fail against.

One final note before we move on:

While the process I have presented is a fairly step-by-step, logical presentation of a method for coming up with ideas to have fun, it doesn’t mean it has to be clinical or boring. Lighten up and have fun coming up with the ideas themselves. Practice being light. Try to enjoy your life with your spouse.

That’s what a happy marriage is about.

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2) Advice for Men: Don’t Let Your “Responsibilities” Get in the Way of Your Marriage

While this could readily apply to either spouse in a marriage, I have found that men often get more easily preoccupied with their career and begin to feel that they are “too busy” to have fun with their wives.

This is something I already mentioned in the main article in this letter, but it bears repeating here for you men:

Your relationship will whither if you don’t take the time to nourish it. You can’t afford not to spend time having fun with your spouse. It is a sure way to drive the two of you apart.

Careers are important. There is no question about that. And I know how busy people can be in this modern world we live in. But no matter how important your job is or how busy you are, it simply doesn’t excuse you from making the time to spend with your wife.

If you had an important business meeting would you miss that because you had too many other things to do? Of course you wouldn’t. Why miss out on valuable time nourishing your marriage.

You might consider actually scheduling fun time to spend with your wife. Make a plan between the two of you about a time you can spend together simply having fun once or twice a week. Dedicate a certain day or afternoon to doing something fun with your partner. Write it down on your calendar and…

… KEEP THE APPOINTMENT!!!

If this feels like too much for you, it isn’t an absolutely necessary step as long as you are conscientious about the fact that you need to spend time together as a couple, and you work to make it happen in reality.

Make time to spend with your wife. It’s good for your marriage, and you never know … you might just have some fun as well.

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3) Advice for Women: Keep the Mood Light to Keep the Marriage Fun

This piece of advice could also apply to either person in the marriage, but it is more likely women will be more invested in the communication issues of the relationship.

Your relationship is NOT only about serious conversation and working out your problems.

One of the reasons the two of you got together in the first place is because you enjoyed being with one another. It is important to keep this spirit alive throughout your relationship. That’s true from the moment you first meet until the days when you grow old together.

So allow for a light, enjoyable feeling from time to time, especially when you are out having fun together.

Have a sense of humor. Tease each other in a healthy way. Flirt. Play.

These are some of the things that bring us joy in life. Allow them to light up your marriage again. There will be time for the serious conversations. Don’t let them overwhelm your marriage. Make the time to have fun together again.

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4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: My Husband Ended the Affair, Should He Call His Paramour and Tell Her?

This month Rhonda, N. from Missouri asked:

My husband has just come clean about an affair that he ended, because he says he loves me and wants to be with me. Is it wise for me to ask my husband to call her or write an email to her telling her the affair is over? He says he will just ignore her.

Actually Rhonda, I recommend that the two of you develop an email that calls it quits in no uncertain terms. The message should leave no hope for the future. When you are satisfied with the message, he should send it from his personal email with you sitting there.

If he is completely committed to the path of working out your relationship, he will notify you of any further communication and/or he will provide you with the password for that account.

There are MANY more suggestions on how to handle this specific issue in my book How to Survive an Affair I refer you to it for more recommendations.

I hope this helps.

It's Dr. Gunzburg again. Has your world been turned upside down because the person you’re supposed to be able to trust more than anyone on earth has betrayed that trust?

Or have you been coping in a marriage where there is a constant undercurrent of mistrust because your partner regularly engages in activities that cause you to doubt him or her?

If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, I’ve got good news for you. There is a way to rebuild the trust that has been shaken, battered, or destroyed by your partner. And in this newsletter I am going to give you a step-by-step program for doing just that.

Trust is the foundation of your relationship. It’s as important as love is. So if you want to rebuild your marriage and make it into the tender loving relationship you have dreamt of all your life, rebuilding the trust is one of the most important steps you can take.

In this newsletter I am going to help you take that step, so you can save your marriage and turn your world right side up again.

But before we get to that I wanted to mention how thrilled I was that so many of you responded to last month’s survey where I asked if there were any particular topics you wanted to read about in this newsletter.

Everyone who wrote in came up with outstanding questions and topic ideas that I can’t wait to address in upcoming issues. You can hear about some of the fascinating ideas other readers shared in the “What’s Going on in Your Relationship” section a little later in the letter.

I will definitely be addressing some of these problems in future newsletters, so make sure not to miss this special sneak preview.

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April 1, 2006 Issue # 6

What's Inside:
1)How to Get the Trust Back
2) Advice for Men: Making a Mistake Doesn’t Make You a Mistake
3) Advice for Women: Don’t Make Blanket Statements
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: My Husband Looks at Porn

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1) How to Get the Trust Back
By: Frank Gunzburg, PhD

A lot of people say love is the foundation of every relationship. And it would be foolish to question the importance of love in relationships. After all, you can’t have much of a marriage if you don’t have love.

But what I have discovered over years of helping couples in trouble is that trust is at least as important as love is.

Those of you who have suffered from a betrayal of trust know why I am saying this. For those of you who may doubt it, let me explain.

If you can’t trust your spouse, it impairs every single facet of your relationship. Communication becomes more difficult, because you start to doubt he is telling you the truth about anything. You start worrying whether or not you can trust him with your finances, your personal secrets, or even with the mundane details of your day-to-day life.

More important than all that, when the trust in you marriage has been shaken, it makes it hard for you to trust your spouse with your emotional safety. Being hurt so badly by someone tears apart the emotional connection you so desperately need to have a happy, healthy marriage.

And that means that when the trust is lost it can actually damage or even destroy the love.

So while a relationship can’t survive long without love; trust is the foundation on which that love is built. A lack of trust makes it nearly as difficult to have a good marriage as a lack of love.

This means that if you are in a relationship right now where there are trust problems, you need to repair this damage if you are going to make your marriage all it can be.

I know that may sound like an insurmountable task to you right now. And that’s because it IS difficult. However, I assure you, you can rebuild the trust if you know how.

I have some tools I want to share with you that will help you rebuild the trust that has been destroyed in your marriage. But before I get to those I want to describe two different typical scenarios in which trust is a problem in relationships.

Understanding these two different kinds of trust problems will help you become aware of exactly what you need to do to start rebuilding the trust in your marriage.

Your World was Shattered: When the Trust has been Totally Destroyed

Jack and Eliza had been together for 15 years, and Eliza was convinced they had the perfect life …

That is until Jack shared an awful secret that virtually destroyed Eliza’s reality.

Jack had been having an affair for a year and a half with a woman at his office.

When Eliza found out, she was almost drowned in a pool of overwhelming rage, frustration, sadness, resentment, and betrayal. But, perhaps worse than all this, was the feeling that her whole world had been torn to pieces right before her eyes. Eliza described it this way:

“When Jack told me about the affair, I felt hurt, of course. But the part that really ruined me was the feeling that I couldn’t trust anyone or anything ever again. Jack was the person I trusted most in all the world. When he betrayed that trust it turned my whole world upside down.

I started doubting my friends and family. I began to wonder whether or not anything I had ever believed in was true. I couldn’t even trust myself anymore. My personal thoughts, feelings, and perceptions all seemed like lies. I felt like everyone and everything was going to betray me the way Jack had.

Jack tore my world to shreds that day. My life was no longer my life. How was I ever going to heal from all this pain? How could we ever repair all the damage he had done?”

If you have suffered from the kind of betrayal Eliza is talking about you know how she feels. She went from trusting Jack 100%, and in a single moment, all that was taken away and she felt as though she couldn’t trust him (or anyone else) ever again.

There is no way to describe how difficult this kind of feeling is. It’s so powerful that people’s worlds are literally changed by these kinds of events. It’s as though everything you once knew and trusted has been ripped to shreds in a single moment.

Infidelity is one of the ways this happens. When the vow of fidelity is broken in your relationship, it has this effect of tearing your world apart.

But there are other ways a spouse might completely destroy the trust in a single moment this way.

Perhaps you trust your spouse completely and believe he isn’t a gambler or won’t do drugs, and then one weekend he goes out and blows your whole savings gambling, drugging, or both.

Or perhaps you think your husband is an upstanding citizen and a respected member of the community only to find out that he has been involved in a very shady business deal.

Any action, like this, that takes you from a place of trusting your spouse completely to not being able to trust him at all, is liable to rip your world apart and it fits into its own special category of trust problems.

There are ways to heal this kind of damage, and I will get to those in a moment. But before we do that, let’s turn our attention to the other category of trust problems.

I Haven’t Truly Trusted Him for a Long Time: The Constant Undercurrent of Mistrust

In other situations there isn’t a single incident that destroys the trust, but a constant undercurrent of mistrust that has haunted the relationship for a long time, perhaps since the two of you first got together.

There are a lot of ways a sense of constant mistrust can develop in a relationship. When one spouse flirts with someone of the opposite sex every chance he gets, goes out gambling from time to time and puts a big hole in the savings account, or is regularly involved in business situations that seem less than ethical, his wife may develop an ongoing concern about whether or not she can trust him.

In my experience ongoing trust issues of this nature often develop around addictions. If your spouse is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or anything else it can create a situation where you are never quite certain you can trust him.

I have seen relationships go on for a LONG time with this kind of constant undercurrent of mistrust. In some cases, people continue in relationships like this for years, and suffer from bouts of trouble with trust as well as other problems.

Based on my definition of a fully intimate marriage, I don’t think a relationship where there is constant mistrust can be completely and fully intimate. You aren’t going to be the best couple you can be if there is a constant sense of mistrust in your marriage. And that means that if you want to get to a place where your marriage is truly what you most want it to be you are going to have to face this trust issue as well.

Trust issues of this type can be healed using my 3-Step System for Rebuilding Trust, just as the trust issues described in the section above can. I will teach you that system in just a moment so you can start rebuilding the trust in your relationship right now.

However, I want to mention one final point before we get to that.

If you are dealing with a situation where there are problems with addiction, this issue has to be treated before you can truly start rebuilding the trust.

That means the person dealing with the addiction needs to seek help from a professional experienced in handling these kinds of cases. And they have to want to recover for themselves. You cannot hope to recover from an addiction for the sake of your spouse or to save yourself from your spouse’s wrath.

To fully heal from an addiction you have to want to heal. You can overcome the addiction and your relationship can heal if you are willing to commit to making that happen. It won’t be easy and it will take a lot of work, but it can be done.

Overcoming addiction isn’t only a matter of saving your marriage, it’s a matter of saving yourself. I strongly encourage you to seek professional help as soon as possible or completely immerse yourself in a 12-step program if you are dealing with addiction.

Having said that, let’s look at My 3-Step System for Rebuilding the Trust so you can start on the path toward saving your marriage today.

My 3-Step System for Rebuilding the Trust

The responsibility for rebuilding the trust in a marriage after it’s been broken lies primarily with the person that broke the trust in the first place.

If you have cheated on your partner, or otherwise betrayed her either by turning her world upside down or constantly acting in a way that causes mistrust, it’s your job to take ownership of that situation and do the work necessary to repair the trust if you want to heal your relationship.

The person whose trust has been broken plays a role in this process as well which I will describe in detail in a moment. But you should know that if your trust in your partner has been shaken you aren’t going to be able to fix that problem on your own. You can’t make your partner do things so you can trust him again. He needs to take the initiative in this process if you are truly going to heal from the wounds that have been created.

Ultimately there are 3 steps the person who broke trust needs to take if you are going to heal your relationship and rebuild what has been destroyed. Let’s go through this process step by step to make saving your marriage from this devastation as clear as it can possibly be.

Step #1: Change Your Behavior

The first step to rebuilding trust is simple:

You have to change the behavior that caused the problem in the first place.

If you have been having an affair you have to end it and take steps that will keep you from even getting close to the possibility of having another affair. If you went on a gambling spree or tried drugs you need to make sure you don’t even get close to temptation again. If you do, or if you think that is not possible, you need to seek professional help or completely immerse yourself in a 12-step program If you’re in a shady business operation you need to get out of it.

In short, you need to change your behavior such that your spouse has the capacity to trust you again.

But not only do you need to change the behavior itself, you need to understand enough about how it became a problem and be able to explain that to your spouse. This gives you a better chance to change your behavior so it won’t happen again. That is the only way you are going to create a situation where your spouse might begin to trust you again.

If you aren’t clear about what I mean here, take the situation away from yourself and think of it this way:

Imagine your mother, sister, or another close female friend or relative came up to you and told you her husband broke trust the same way you have. Suppose your sister’s husband cheated on her, for example.

What would her husband have to do to rebuild the trust that was broken? What would he have to understand to reassure her it won’t happen again?

This should give you a hint about the work you need to do to rebuild your relationship and what you need to understand to make sure you never break trust again.

Each situation is different, so there aren’t any hard and fast answers here.

But what I can say is this …

If you don’t change your behavior and try to understand how it began at the very first step and why what you did was such a problem for your spouse you probably won’t rebuild what you destroyed.

So it is critical that you take this step and do everything you can to change your behavior permanently.

Once you have done that you have a chance at rebuilding the trust. You increase your chances considerably by completing the rest of this process. So let’s move on to step 2.

Step #2: Give a Complete and Full Apology

After you have changed your behavior, the next thing you must do is give a complete and full apology.

You should know, my version of a complete and full apology is more detailed than simply saying, “Yes, it was wrong. I’m sorry.” If you say something like that, it’s almost like saying nothing at all.

A COMPLETE and FULL apology means you have to do three things. They are:

1. Come to a complete understanding of how wrong you were and take total ownership for that mistake.

This means you have to take some time and try to step into your partner’s shoes for a few moments. You have to feel the pain you have caused by seeing the problem from her perspective.

Usually this means talking with your partner and taking the time to truly listen to what she is saying to you. I have given you advice on how to do this in previous newsletters, so I won’t repeat this information here.

Once you completely understand how much pain you have caused you have to “take the hit” for the mistake you’ve made. That means not rationalizing it, not defending it, and not trying to blame it on your partner in any way. You must completely accept what you have done and take ownership for the damage you have caused.

2. Take care of your partner’s feelings surrounding this issue.

Not only do you have to understand what you have done and take ownership for the transgression, you have to show some effort to be sensitive to your partner about her feelings in this area and take care of those feelings as much as you can.

That means not being defensive or cutting your partner off emotionally. It means showing some compassion and sensitivity about the pain she is in. And it means clearly changing your behavior so she can see you truly care about what you have done and how much you have hurt her.

3. Make a verbal assurance and commitment to the internal change you made in step 1 of this system.

Finally, in addition to apologizing for all the pain you have caused and taking ownership of the mistake, you have to make a verbal reassurance about your commitment to the internal change you made in step 1 of this process.

Of course, this verbal commitment has to be backed up by a real change in behavior otherwise what you are saying is just a bunch of empty words.

More than simply saying you are going to change you need to communicate the understanding you have come to about what you did wrong in the first place. You need to express how you KNOW why it was wrong, you KNOW how it happened, and you KNOW enough now to make sure it never happens again.

Keeping these three elements of a full and complete apology in mind let’s look at how a sample apology might sound. The apology that follows is what Jack gave Eliza in the way of an apology after he admitted having an affair.

“Eliza, I can see that I have hurt you. I was the one person you totally trusted above all else. Your world depended on my fidelity and consistency. I tore your world apart when I had that affair, and caused you to suffer with feelings of betrayal, anger, outrage, and despair.

I acted like a total creep. There’s no excuse for it. Having an affair was clearly the wrong thing to do. It betrayed the unspoken vow of fidelity our marriage was based on.

I suppose there are all kinds of “reasons” I did what I did. But I also know those are just rationalizations, and I don’t want to feed you any garbage like that. It started when I let short-term excited feeling lead me into keeping secrets from you about my relationship with Lena. Once I kept the first secret of having had lunch with her, I knew I was wrong.

Now I know how wrong I was, and I will do the work necessary to repair what I have destroyed. I know it may take a long time, and I am willing to keep working for it, but I hope one day we can rebuild our marriage together.

I love you, and I want this marriage to last. I am truly sorry for what I have done.”

Once you have made this kind of apology and reinforced it by making the necessary changes in your behavior it’s time to move on to the final step in the system.

Step #3: Let Your Partner Play Detective

The final step in my system for rebuilding trust revolves around giving the person whose trust was betrayed the tools she needs to begin trusting again.

For this step to work completely BOTH partners need to be fully engaged in it. Here’s how it works.

The spouse whose trust was betrayed gets to check on her partner to make sure he isn’t betraying her trust again by becoming a detective.

Like any detective she has the right and the responsibility to fully investigate any instances where she has the slightest suspicion that something is amiss.

If your trust has been betrayed by your partner, it’s natural for you to be suspicious and worry that he might make the same mistake again. After all, he betrayed your trust once. What’s to stop him from doing it again?

Thoughts and feelings like this are absolutely natural and you shouldn’t condemn yourself for thinking and feeling this way. When you think about it, worrying your partner may betray you again is perfectly logical. Considering what you have been it makes complete sense.

I have seen a lot of patients who simply try and bury these thoughts and feelings, and you may be tempted to do the same thing. You may think that you’re suspicions are irrational or that you will never be able to rebuild the trust if you keep worrying about whether or not your spouse is telling you the truth.

As a result you may try and simply push your suspicious thoughts and feelings out of your mind, but this will not work. No matter how much you try and repress your suspicious feelings, they will rise to the surface and torment you unless you deal with them properly.

Instead you should actually accept your suspicious feelings and use them to prove to yourself that your spouse is indeed being truthful.

If you are worried he is hiding the mail because he doesn’t want you to see credit card bills that reveal purchases he’s been making for a paramour, ask him to see the mail.

If you are concerned he might retain a connection with his paramour via email, ask to check his emails.

If you are worried he is hiding money obtained in a shady business transaction in a separate account ask him to see ALL of the bank statements.

If you are worried he is hiding drugs in his briefcase, ask him if you can look through it.

This is what I mean by becoming a detective. You should use your suspicions to investigate your partner and make sure he is telling you the truth.

Investigating this way is the only way you are ever going to be sure your spouse isn’t lying to you anymore. It’s the only way you will be able to truly overcome the suspicious feelings you have been suffering with.

The reason is that it allows you to prove to yourself that your spouse has actually changed his behavior. Getting tangible evidence that your suspicions are false will, in time, help them diminish and eventually die away.

But, of course, this will only work if there has been a real change in your spouse and he let’s you investigate him this way.

Of course, I am referring to a temporary condition of being a detective. If you have to live your life like that, then what kind of relationship do you have? Also, how much energy will it take for you to maintain being a detective?

So now I want to turn my attention back to the person who violated the trust. If you have betrayed your partner and she can no longer trust you, not only do you have to change your behavior, you have to prove to her that you’ve changed.

This means it’s your job not only to allow her to become a detective but to encourage it and share everything with your spouse.

This gives you the opportunity to become an open book and show your spouse that her suspicions, while understandable, are unfounded; that you have truly made the change you promised to make; and that you are working toward creating an environment where trust can blossom again.

Being completely open this way is something I call “transparency,” and it’s a topic I discuss in detail in How to Survive an Affair. In that book I go into much greater detail about what transparency means, how you can become totally transparent, and how transparency is the true key to rebuilding trust in a marriage.

If you want more information on trust and transparency I would recommend you take a look at that book.

In the meantime do your best to remain completely open to your spouse and don’t become defensive when she investigates you. Remember, you are the one who broke the trust, her thoughts and feelings are justified, and if you truly want to have a healthy marriage again being an open book is the only way to do it.

In a single moment trust can be shut off like a light. Unfortunately, turning the light of trust back on in your relationship isn’t so simple.

But if you persevere, it can be done. Keep moving toward a completely open relationship and in time you will feel the trust lighting up your marriage once more.

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2) Advice for Men: Making a Mistake Doesn’t Make You a Mistake

Although there are plenty of cases where it’s the other way around, it’s more likely that when men betray trust they have a very difficult time admitting they are wrong, owning it, accepting full responsibility for what they’ve done, and seeing the personal benefit in correcting they’re own behavior.

There are likely many reasons for this, but in my experience a big part of it is that men are often afraid that if they admit to a mistake they’re wives will believe they are, or accuse them of being a terrible person.

In these situation men tend to believe their wives will think that if they have done something wrong it means they have to admit being all bad. Men have a hard time separating these two issues when it comes to relationships.

If you find yourself in this situation, the idea that you are a bad person for making the mistake you made may even be reinforced by the language your wife uses.

She may say something like, “You are such a pig. You’re the most horrible person I’ve ever met. I can’t believe you would do something like this to me.”

Your wife doesn’t mean “you are the most horrible person she has ever met,” what she really means is that she FEELS like you are the most horrible person she has ever met. Which is a very important distinction.

Unfortunately it isn’t one we men are wired to understand very well.

There are two things to keep in mind here:

1. Your wife would not be interested in rebuilding a relationship with you if she truly believed you were the most horrible person alive. It simply doesn’t make sense. She knows there are good things about you. That’s why she’s trying to save your marriage.

2. Just because you did something bad doesn’t make you an evil person. It’s sort of like making a mistake at work. If you’ve been a good employee and then you make a mistake, even possibly a large mistake, it doesn’t make you an awful employee. It just means you’re human, and very few employers would fire you for that.

The very best things you can do for your relationship is to own the mistake. You DID do something wrong after all. You aren’t a terrible person for it. But if you don’t own the mistake you are denying the truth and denying your relationship the opportunity to truly heal.

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3) Advice for Women: Don’t Make Blanket Statements

Assuming that you are the one whose trust has been trampled on by your husband (and again, this is NOT universal, I see lots of cases where it is the woman who breaks trust), I would like to give you some advice about how to handle a conversation about your trust issue with your husband.

When you come to a place where you can talk with your husband about the breach of trust with some self-control one thing you want to do is avoid blanket statements.

A good example of a blanket statement would be:

“You ALWAYS lie to me. You have never told the truth one time in our whole marriage!”

The problem with a statement like this is that it simply can’t be true. It’s a form of irrational thought called global thinking and it doesn’t hold up to any real scrutiny.

There ARE things your husband has told the truth about in your marriage. Whether that’s finances, fidelity, personal discretion, or picking up the kids when he says he will all depends on your personal circumstances. But if you think about it carefully you will find one area you trust him in, otherwise you wouldn’t be married to him in the first place.

What you likely mean when you say something like this is that you FEEL like you can’t trust him at all. And while this is a distinction most women make with ease, men simply aren’t wired to get that part of it.

The consequences of making a blanket statement to a man who doesn’t understand that you are describing a feeling and not a thought are actually pretty profound.

First of all you encourage your husband to believe what you are saying. He may actually think that you believe him to be an evil person for what he has done if you tell him that you don’t trust him at all.

If this is the case, he’s likely to take the full hit for what he’s done as a criticism to his character and believe that he has to think of himself as a completely worthless person.

The alternative is that he won’t believe what you are saying because he will recognize it as irrational by finding just one case where it is not true. Then, he may feel justified to dismiss it outright.

Either result isn’t what you are aiming for here. So don’t make blanket statements.

Instead, try to stick to the topic at hand and speak specifically about problems areas in your relationship. Be as clear about your feelings as you can, and stick to specific instances that made you feel this way.

This will help you resolve your trust issues more quickly and completely than making blanket judgments of your spouse.

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4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: My Husband Looks at Porn

This question about trust comes from Linda in Alberta, Canada. She asks:

My husband promises me over and over again he will not look at porn again, and he gets caught over and over again. I do not believe him anymore or trust him, and when he gets caught he still lies. It makes me sick. What can I do about his lying and his sick mind?

Linda, this is exactly the kind of trust issue I have been addressing throughout this newsletter, and I hope some of the advice here has helped. But I want to offer you a little bit more advice that is specific to your situation. Perhaps other readers will find it useful as well.

It’s clear that you have a problem with your husband looking at pornography online, and I can appreciate that. However, it may be unfair to say he has a “sick mind.”

He might be addicted to it, or he may buy into the subculture that condones this behavior.

I do not encourage or condone this behavior in any way. Rather, I am suggesting that calling your husband sick is pejorative and not useful in rebuilding your marriage.

Having said that, I think you should start by making a clear statement to your husband about how his behavior impacts on you. In some couples, pornography is as impactful as an affair.

Whatever the case, tell him plainly how this impacts on you —including your broader fears and concerns such as having the children find out, your sense of betrayal, if any, and whether or not you want him to cease this behavior. . But don’t accuse him of “having a sick mind.” Even if that’s the way you feel, it won’t get you where you want to go with this.

If you can come to an agreement with your husband about this issue, it’s his responsibility to hold up his end of the bargain. Use the strategies I discussed in this newsletter to make sure that’s happening. If it isn’t, talk with him about it again, and renew your request for an honest end to these behaviors.

That’s the best you can do. In the end you can’t control the behavior of another person. You can’t “make” him stop viewing pornography or even lying to you about it for that matter. You might enlist the assistance of a professional, if you are not satisfied with your results.

You can certainly express your needs and explain why you EXPECT him to be honest with you.

Honesty is something you have every right to expect. It is what a healthy relationship is founded on.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

It's Dr. Gunzburg again. Does it eat you alive to see your husband even talk to another woman at a party? Are you the type of man that feels a rush of anger when a guy so much as gives your wife a passing glance on the street?

Or are you the person on the receiving end of these jealous feelings? Have you innocently spoken with someone of the opposite gender only to have your spouse totally overreact?

Anyone who has ever experienced jealousy knows what an unbearable feeling it can be and how much pain it can cause in your relationship.

But what you may not know is that jealousy is as sophisticated and complex as any other issue in your relationship. It isn’t a simple black and white issue.

In fact, jealousy takes on many different forms. Some jealousy is actually a good thing if you can believe that.

In this newsletter I will explore the different kinds of jealousy and give you some practical strategies for managing the feelings and problems jealousy causes no matter whether you are the jealous person or the one on the receiving end of jealousy.

Even if your jealousy is justified, even if you have suffered the awful pain of infidelity, the techniques in this newsletter will help you free yourself from the jaws of this ugly green monster.

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March 1, 2006 Issue # 5

What's Inside:
1) Taking Advantage of Your Jealousy
2) Advice for Men: Don’t Let Anger Make a Bad Situation Worse
3) Advice for Women: Avoid the Snide Comments
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: My Husband Won’t Tell Me What He Needs

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1) Taking Advantage of Your Jealousy
Frank Gunzburg, PhD

Jack and Beatrice had gone out dancing one evening with one of Jack’s oldest friends, Tom, and his wife Ann. They all had a few drinks and were taking turns with each other on the dance floor, having a good time.

The night was rolling along beautifully. Everyone was laughing and having a good time until a boundary was crossed Jack wasn’t comfortable with.

Tom asked Beatrice to dance a slow song with him. But Jack didn’t say anything about it because, he didn’t want to appear petty.

As the music started Tom moved in close to Jack’s wife … too close. Their hips were pressed together and as the rhythm of the song gradually increased so did the motion of their bodies together.

Jack’s emotions flared. He felt his stomach tighten. He clenched his jaw. His eyes narrowed.

By the time the dance ended, Jack could barely restrain himself. He grabbed his wife’s hand, stood up, pulled her close to him, and as they stormed out of the room he looked back at Tom and spat, “You sorry #@$^#$%”

As Jack and Beatrice marched toward their car (Beatrice nearly drug by Jack), she turned to him and said, “What’s the matter with you?”

“Just get in the car,” he barked, “I can’t believe you would pull something like that with one of my oldest friends.”

Does this sound familiar to you?

Have you been in a situation that caused a jealous explosion damaging a friendship and hurting your marriage?

If so, I can imagine how worried, angry, disappointed, and frustrated you may feel right now.

The good news is that there is something you can do to free yourself from the clutches of jealousy. To do it, you need to know what jealousy is, the difference between good jealousy and bad jealousy, what to do with your feelings, and what to do when your jealousy is justified.

To start with, let’s look at what jealousy is and what it means in your relationship.

Defining Jealousy: An Early Warning Sign Something is Wrong

Most of us have experienced jealousy in one form or another in our relationships. We have had that awful feeling Jack had when he watched his wife dancing with another man.

Whether or not we handled the situation the way Jack did is another story (and an issue we will take up below), but few people go through life without feeling at least a little jealousy.

So the first thing to understand is that the feeling is natural. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and, in the right form, it can actually be a good thing in your relationship.

But what is jealousy? What does it mean? Why do we get jealous?

Jealousy is actually an early warning sign that you feel something is off in your relationship. It’s a natural feeling of defensiveness and protectiveness that comes up when you feel your relationship is in danger.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is broken or that your partner has done anything wrong. It just means an internal comfort boundary has been crossed that you aren’t comfortable with. It’s a signal going off inside you that says, “Hey, look out, the relationship is potentially in danger here.”

And that’s an important signal to have. It’s an important signal to listen to because you have to check it out.

Jealousy isn’t something you get rid of. You don’t want to kill that ugly green monster, you just want to tame it so you can keep control of it.

Jealousy is only destructive in certain forms. When it is felt and expressed in certain ways jealousy can rip a relationship apart. But when it is felt and expressed in other ways jealousy can actually be a good thing that helps your relationship blossom and grow over the course of your life.

So you need to understand the difference between good jealousy and bad jealousy. This will help you take advantage of those difficult feelings instead of being taken advantage of by them.

Good Jealousy: A Way to Show You Appreciate Your Partner

So if jealousy is a warning sign that your relationship is in danger, then it can’t be all bad. After all, jealous feelings prove that you care about and want to protect your partner and your relationship.

To distinguish between good jealousy and bad jealousy you want to look at the intensity of the feelings and the intensity of the actions you take when you have those feelings. The level of intensity is what determines how good or bad your jealousy is.

Low intensity jealousy is good jealousy. And usually low intensity jealousy happens in situations where there is a low potential threat to your relationship. Consider the following example.

Imagine you’re in a shopping mall with your spouse walking hand in hand, when you notice a passerby glance at your spouse in a way that shows he or she finds your partner attractive.

A pang of jealousy runs through you, but it doesn’t overwhelm you, and it doesn’t lead to actions that are hurtful, demeaning, or frightening to your partner. The feeling is pretty low on the intensity scale, but it’s there and it’s making you a little protective of your relationship.

This is actually a VERY good place to be. It means you love your partner and you care enough to look out for your relationship. It means you don’t take your partner for granted. It means you have something at stake in your marriage.

There are ways you can express these feelings in healthy ways too. The key is knowing how to do it.

A healthy expression of jealousy is a playful jest that shows your partner you see she is attractive to other people in a non-threatening, harmless way.

So let’s go back to the scene above. You’re walking through the mall with your wife, and you notice some guy gives her the eye for a second. You think, “Wow, that guy’s attracted to my wife.”

To express your jealousy in a healthy way you might say, “Honey, I hope that guy can’t get your phone number by mental telepathy. Did you just see how he looked at you?”

Do you see how this is a healthy expression of jealousy? It shows your wife that you are aware that other people find her attractive, it even shows her you are a little jealous about it, but it does so in a non-threatening way.

There are many other ways you could achieve the same goal. Any friendly joke of this kind will work, as long as you aren’t being insensitive about delicate issues in your relationship.

Here are a few examples, said in a light voice:

1. “With the look he just gave you, I hope you never meet up with HIM again.”
2. “Don’t even TALK to that guy.”
3. “Man, I should go over and smack that guy in the head. That certainly made me jealous.”
4. “I hope you aren’t thinking about him when we’re in bed tonight.”

Any of these examples is fine as long as you keep it light and fun. And that means you can’t joke about sensitive issues in your relationship.

While joking about sensitive issues is never a good thing to do in general in relationships, it’s especially important that you are careful about this point when you are dealing with jealousy.

For example, you couldn’t make any of these comments if you have had issues with violence in the past. It might frighten your wife. And you couldn’t make the comment about being in the bedroom if you have had issues with making love because it might be confused for something else.

As long as your comment is light, fun, and intentionally harmless it should be fine.

In fact, it’s more than fine. It’s wonderful. Healthy expressions of jealousy like this often mean a relationship is working well.

It’s when the jealousy gets ugly that the problems begin. So let’s look at how to get free from the jaws of the monster when it really bites down hard.

Bad Jealousy: Getting Control of Those Awful Feelings

Now we know what good jealousy is. So what’s bad jealousy?

The answer is actually pretty simple: Bad jealousy is anything other than what I described above.

Any amplification in the intensity of your jealous feelings, any action that goes beyond a simple jest that shows you care, qualifies as bad jealousy, and there are specific ways to handle it.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have the feelings you have. You always have a right to feel what you feel. And in some cases, your feelings may even be justified (see below for more on what to do when your jealousy is justified).

But under no circumstances is rash behavior that damages your relationship justified.

Think of the example of Jack above. His emotions are understandable. They may even be justified depending on other factors in his relationship with Beatrice. But the way he responded was not acceptable. It was frightening and hurtful to everyone involved. And that is not a good situation.

If you find yourself in situations like Jack’s the way to handle yourself is to talk about your feelings, not to explode into a jealous fit.

Remember, we are human beings, not animals. We don’t HAVE to act on every emotion we have. We get to choose how we act and when we act regardless of the situation.

If you find that you are getting caught up in bad jealousy the thing to do is stop, take a few deep breaths, DO NOT act out in a rash and irresponsible way that you will later regret, and then look at what is causing your jealous feelings.

When bad jealousy creeps up on you, it means that some boundary has been crossed that you aren’t comfortable with or some need you have is going unmet.

Therefore this feeling comes out of you, and it’s your responsibility to handle it in appropriate and mature ways. You should express your feelings instead of bottling them up and then exploding into a jealous fit.

Take a moment a think about why you got jealous. What happened that caused the feeling? Don’t think of it in terms of “what your partner did.” That’s just an accusation and won’t help you resolve the problem.

Instead think about it in terms of you. What boundary was crossed? In Jack’s situation he may have felt that his wife would abandon him or that he would lose her love. And of course, his wife was dancing too close to Tom; after all, when you are married, you’re no longer single.

In other cases, the boundary may not be so obvious. For instance if you saw your husband flirting with another woman, you may become jealous for all sorts of reasons. You may worry that he finds her more attractive than you, you may fear he has some feelings for her, or you may believe he is trying to pick her up. But those feelings won’t be clear until you look for them.

Each situation is different because each relationship and each circumstance is different. You need to look at your own situation and your own feelings and see if you can discover whether or not a boundary has been crossed that you are uncomfortable with and what that boundary is.

It may also be true that you don’t feel a boundary has been crossed, but you feel like you want some additional reassurance that your spouse cares for you. This is natural too, and you have every right to ask for that.

Jack may have felt unsure of himself in the story above. Perhaps hadn’t danced a slow dance with Beatrice in a long time, and he started to worry she wasn’t attracted to him anymore.

In these cases, you want to drill down into the problem and get as specific as you can about what you need reassurance on so you can ask for specific things from your spouse.

If your requests for reassurance are too general, for example if you say, “I need you to help me not feel jealous anymore.” You aren’t really telling your spouse anything. How can she help you not feel jealous? What can she do specifically?

In Jack’s case, he might have simply talked to Beatrice in private and asked for some reassurance that she was committed to him, and perhaps, also, that she would not dance slow dances with other men. This may have solved the problem before it got out of hand.

Again, each situation is different, so you need to look closely at your own needs and desires and try to communicate these as clearly and specifically as you can.

Remember, you are trying to preserve the sanctity of your relationship. That’s what those jealous feelings are about. Don’t allow them to take hold of you and make you destroy your marriage. Talk them out, and let them help you ask for what you need so you become closer and closer to your partner throughout your life.

When You are the Victim of Jealousy: How to Be Open and Understanding

It’s not only the jealous person that suffers when jealousy enters a relationship. The person who is affected by the jealousy suffers too. So it’s good to be proactive and do what you can to help your spouse with his jealousy.

If your spouse doesn’t open up a conversation around the problem, I would encourage you to try and open up the lines of communication yourself.

A lot of people react defensively when they are accused of doing something to make their partner jealous. And sometimes this response is for good reason—if you didn’t consciously do anything wrong, you may not like being accused.

Nonetheless, reacting defensively won’t work. It is never a good thing to do in a marriage, it usually only causes arguments and brings about bad feelings.

But it is particularly harmful in the case of jealousy. The reason is that acting defensive may justify all your spouse’s fears. It may make him believe that you intentionally crossed a boundary you knew was there.

Instead, step back from the situation, take a deep breath, and work to change the tone of the interaction.

The way to do this is by addressing the jealousy in a sensitive and compassionate way while reassuring your spouse. At the same time you want to start an investigation into what made him jealous so the two of you can discuss the issue.

You might start out by saying, “I can see that I have upset you. I don’t want to make you upset. I love you more than anything and I want you to be happy. So let’s talk about this. What are you upset about?”

As you can see, this is a calm, reassuring way to draw out some conversation about the issue at hand. Don’t try and guess at what your partner is feeling or needs, ask questions and clarify until you both agree you have an understanding of the problem.

This conversation should not be a debate. Don’t argue with your spouse about whether or not his feelings are justified or appropriate. If you get your jealous spouse to open up, be aware that whatever feelings he shares are his feelings. He has a right to have them, even if you don’t agree with them.

Once you have reached an understanding about what your spouse expects and why he became jealous, the two of you will need to come to an agreement about what’s appropriate in the future.

I would recommend this compromise favor your jealous partner. If Jack asked Beatrice not to dance that way with another man, I would suggest Beatrice agree not to do it.

The reason is simple. You want your partner to be happy, and you want to have the best marriage you can. In most cases, these requests aren’t completely unreasonable. So try and go along with what your spouse needs.

If you find the request is completely unreasonable, or you feel it is something you absolutely can’t agree to without sacrificing yourself, then you should talk about this with your partner.

But all in all I would be careful not to fall back on that position unless your really have to. Your spouse’s jealous feelings are appropriate. Listen to what he’s feeling and try to make a compromise that will meet his needs.

Always remember too, that no matter how acceptable the feelings, jealous actions, jealous rages, are not acceptable. You should do what you can to help your partner change these behaviors into discussions so your relationship can heal and grow.

Before I close this part of the letter, there is one last issue to address: What if the jealousy is justified?

When Jealous is Justified: How to Turn a Serious Infraction into a Tool for Healing

Jealousy isn’t always a misplaced emotion. In some case, your jealousy is absolutely justified.

This is especially true when a major infraction has occurred in your relationship. For example, if your partner has had an affair, your jealousy is more than justified, it is absolutely natural.

But no matter what the situation, acting out in rash and harmful ways will NOT help your relationship. Even if your partner has crossed some serious boundary and acted in a shamelessly inappropriate manner, more bad behavior won’t make your relationship any better.

Don’t react in vengeance or anger if you can help it. I know it’s difficult, but what you need to do in these situation is the same thing you need to do with any jealousy … talk about it.

That isn’t always easy when you face something as serious as an affair. But in the end, it’s the only thing that will make your relationship any better.

Know that your jealousy is justified and make it clear to your spouse that he or she should never act that way again.

If you are the cheating partner, or have crossed some serious line, you should come out and admit it IMMEDIATELY. Don’t hide the information even if you think you can get away with it. In my experience behavior like this eats away at a relationship and destroys it over time.

It will be hard to come out with the truth. But you are better off confessing and do doing it now if your relationship is going to survive. You cannot act in this way and expect to have a wonderful, exciting marriage.

Then resolve within yourself and to your partner that you will never behave this way again. There are actions that are simply not acceptable in a marriage. Affairs are certainly one of them. They cannot happen if your relationship is going to exist.

This also means not breaking this agreement behind your partner’s back. Truly healthy marriages are completely open and honest. If this is what you strive for you will not succeed by sneaking around behind your partner’s back breaking your agreements.

It’s your responsibility to make your partner happy and keep your relationship healthy. That’s true for each and every person reading this newsletter. Don’t let jealousy undermine that for you. Tame the monster so you can use it to make your relationship thrive and improve year after year.

If you do this, you may find that at 80 you are even more in love than you were at 20. And that is a happy fate.

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2) Advice for Men: Don’t Let Anger Make a Bad Situation Worse

Men are more likely to react to jealousy in angry and frightening ways (though this is not universally the case). Look at the example of Jack above. This is typical of the kind of reaction I am talking about.

If your anger flares up, it’s likely to make matters even worse. When you become angry, your partner will probably become defensive, and that’s no way to have a productive conversation.

Hold back on your anger if you can, and instead look inside yourself to see what’s causing you to be angry so you can have a positive and productive conversation about that instead.

I know this isn’t always easy, and unfortunately a full anger management program is beyond the scope of this letter (though I cover anger in great detail in How to Survive an Affair and Saving Your Marriage Made Remarkably Simple

But one thing to do is take a time out, relax, take some deep breaths, and let your anger subside before you simply explode into a jealous rage.

Anger feels powerful and sometimes seems to make up for the weakness you may feel when you are jealous. But it is a destructive emotion when it isn’t kept at bay. Make sure not to let your anger make a bad situation even worse.

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3) Advice for Women: Avoid the Snide Comments

Although all relationships are different and each individual reacts in different ways, I have found women are more likely to communicate their jealousy in sarcastic and cutting ways. The following is an example of what I mean:

“Oh so you went to lunch with Sally today? Is she going to be there tonight too? I’ll bet you’d like that wouldn’t you. That way you could flirt with her some more.”

Though this may seem more palatable and less destructive than lashing out in anger, it isn’t the case. Communicating your jealousy in this way is no better than exploding into a rage the way men tend to when jealous.

Saying sarcastic and cutting things can be hurtful and offensive. And besides, what you really need to do is communicate your feelings in more open and honest ways.

Put away the snide comments when you are trying to express your jealousy. Instead go back to the communication strategies above and try to express what you need in this situation. Work to communicate this as explicitly and specifically as you can so you are sure your husband understands you.

Men aren’t very good mind readers. I would suggest that you spell out what you need instead of trying to get your husband to listen to you with snide, cutting comments.

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4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: My Husband Won’t Tell Me What He Needs

This interesting question came in from Sheila M. in Virginia. She writes:

My husband has told me many times that I don’t meet his needs. I have asked him what those needs are, but he won’t tell me. He says I should know, and if he has to tell me, he would feel I would be meeting them only out of obligation. How do I get him to express his needs? I can only do what I know how to do!

Sheila M. VA

Sheila, this is an interesting question and a problem that is not uncommon in relationships. It is often the case that one or both spouses refuse to discuss what they need with their partner. So you shouldn’t feel alone.

The problem with not telling your partner what you need in your marriage is simple: No one has the power to read minds, and if you don’t say what you need, you will probably never get that need fulfilled.

Having conversations where you express your needs is very important. In fact, the more specific you can be about what you need the better.

Communicating so you can better meet one another’s needs does not mean you are then meeting those needs as a matter of obligation as your husband fears. It is simply how strong marriages work. You want to make your husband happy if you can, but you don’t know how if you don’t know what he wants.

Though it sounds like you have tried to ask him about his needs, I would recommend you try having a conversation with him where you explain why you want to hear about his needs.

Tell him that you aren’t trying to fulfill his needs simply out of obligation, but because you love him, you want to make him happy, and you can’t do that if you don’t know what he needs.

I would also like to send your husband a word of encouragement. He should open up and share with you as much of himself as he can. I know it can be scary at times. But that’s what marriage is all about. If he trusts the process, he may just be blessed with more happiness than he dreamt of.

Getting your needs met (in whatever realm) by someone who loves you is a deeply satisfying experience. It is one of the joys of life. Don’t miss out on this opportunity because you are afraid to talk with your spouse.

Instead open up and see what happens. Life’s an adventure. So is marriage. Make it an interesting one.

I hope this helps Shelia. Feel free to write to me again and let me know how it goes. I hope you can help your husband open up to the wonderful world of fulfilled needs that awaits him.

It's Dr. Gunzburg again. Do you find yourself wishing you could be as romantic as you were when your relationship was young, but somehow the spark just isn’t there anymore?

If so, you’re not alone. I can’t tell you how many people have confided to me that the romance in their relationship has died.

A big part of the problem is that a lot of people feel they “just aren’t romantic.” But that’s not the whole story. Romance isn’t an inborn trait, it’s a skill you can learn.

There’s no reason you can’t be as romantic today as the day you met. That’s why, in celebration of Valentine’s Day, I’m going to help you learn some romantic techniques that will sweep your spouse of her feet.

In this newsletter you will find everything from simple interludes that won’t take you more than 20 seconds to some of my personal favorite romantic techniques.

I’ll be talking about a lot of intimate issues including s-e-x. This email would send your spam filters crazy if I weren’t careful and the newsletter would never make it to you. To keep this from happening I’ve spelled sensitive words with an “*”.

So get ready to learn how to be a master of romance. (Or at least a little better than you are right now …)

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February 1, 2006 Issue # 4

What's Inside:
1) How to Rekindle the Romantic Spark
2) Advice for Men: Romance Takes Courage
3) Advice for Women: Offer an Opening for Romance
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: She Wants Intimacy, He Wants Intercourse

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How to Rekindle the Romantic Spark
Frank Gunzburg, PhD

I’ve heard a lot of people (particularly men) say something like this when they talk about romance…

“I’m just not romantic. It’s not who I am. I’m just a plain old guy.”

I find this interesting, because I know romance is a skill, not an inborn trait. It’s something you can learn to do if you want to. So it’s impossible for somebody to be inherently unromantic with the exception of someone who is socially disabled.

Nonetheless there are some people that have a REALLY hard time being romantic. The reasons are interesting to consider.

What I find upon investigating a little more deeply is that most people who say they “just aren’t romantic” have a skewed perception of what romance is.

People generally believe that being romantic means you have to be like a movie star—wining and dining some gorgeous actress—winning her heart over a bottle of the finest Cabernet followed by a dance on the boardwalk under a crystal clear night sky.

But here’s the truth …

You don’t need all that to be romantic.

Romance really doesn’t have to be that complicated. The problem is that we live in a culture where we’re made to believe that being romantic means going out to fancy restaurants and acting the role of some super-suave Brad Pitt.

Sure, going out to a fancy dinner and having poetry whispered in your ear can be romantic, but it isn’t necessary to show your partner you care.

And after all, that’s what romance is REALLY about—taking the time to do something special for your spouse to show her how special she is to you.

And there are a lot of ways to do this that aren’t nearly as complicated as arranging for your wedding song to be played on a beach while you dance the night away.

In fact, I know some simple techniques that will stun your partner, and most of them only take a few seconds—a minute at most—to accomplish.

Even if you’re “just a plain old guy” these 20-second romantic interludes have the potential to turn your relationship into a hot*bed of romance.

20-Second Romantic Interludes for the Hopelessly Unromantic

If you’re one of the people out there that feel you “just aren’t romantic” the following techniques are an easy way to get started showing your partner how much you care. They are SIMPLE, they don’t take a lot of energy, and yet they are still very powerful.

Even if you’re already skilled in the arts of romance these techniques are a good way to keep the Intimate spark alive between you on a daily basis. And, besides, you may not have thought of all them on your own.

So when Valentine’s Day comes this year use one of these simple techniques and turn up the heat in your romantic life again.

I Just Called to Say I Love You

Remember the old Stevie Wonder tune “I Just Called to Say I Love You.” I know, it was a little cheesy. But that song was so popular for one simple reason: IT WORKS!

If you’re a person that isn’t very romantic you probably don’t call home in the middle of the day just to tell your wife how much you love her.

But what could be more romantic than taking 20 seconds out of your day just to call and say, “I love you,” or, “I miss you,” or, “I can’t wait to see you tonight”?

Then follow up by saying, “That’s it, I just wanted to tell you that.”

This is the very essence of romance—taking the time out of your own life to show your partner how much you care. And you don’t have to make it a big production to make it happen. Just call her and tell her you love her.

A Kiss When You Leave, A Kiss When You Come Home

Random acts of affection don’t take a lot of time or energy. Showing your affection before you leave for work or after you come home is a great way to be romantic.

Before you leave for the office put down all your stuff, walk over to your wife, look her in the eyes and say, “I love you.” Then give her a big hug and kiss.

When you come home, put down all your stuff, walk over to your wife, take both of her hands in yours, look her in the eyes and say, “Do you know how much I missed you today?”

These simple interactions are powerful ways to be romantic especially if you haven’t done something like this for a while.

That being said, there’s a warning I should give you …

When you do ANYTHING as a habit it loses its romantic value and can even become annoying. Don’t do this technique every single day just because “that’s what you do.” And don’t tell your wife you love her every minute of the day. Make it a special, heartfelt interaction and you will increase the potency of it tremendously.

A Romantic Moment on the Sofa

How many nights do you spend at home sitting on the sofa watching TV? If you’re like most Americans you probably do this quite a bit.

Instead of sitting on opposite sides of the couch while you watch TV, cuddle up next to one another and watch the show.

Once you’ve accomplished this romantic move, you can take it a step further. When a commercial comes on, turn off the TV completely—don’t just mute it—turn to your spouse and give her a big hug and kiss. When the show comes back on you can go back to watching it … if you want to. You may end up doing something a little more interesting than watching TV.

Once you’ve mastered these basics (or if you’re doing things like this already), it’s time to take your romantic life to another level. You can make your partner fall in love with you all over again by using these 5 Techniques that Will Make Her Fall for You All Over Again

5 Techniques that Will Make Her Fall for You All Over Again

Romance doesn’t take being prince charming or a movie star, but once you have mastered the techniques above there’s a lot more you can do in the realm of romance. You may not be THE prince charming, but you could become HER prince charming, and what could be better than that?

I call these my “advanced techniques” because each of them takes a little more organization and energy than the basics you learned above. But that doesn’t mean they are undoable. Anyone can make these things happen with a little effort.

Some of these techniques are things I have learned from clients and some come from my own experience and experiments in romance. Each of them has the power to completely knock your partner off her feet.

Use them wisely, and have fun becoming a master of romance.

Technique #1: Leave a Love Note

A special note that tells your partner how much you care is one of the easiest ways you can turn up the romance in your relationship.

You may think you have to write like Shakespeare or woo like Casanova to write a love note your spouse will appreciate.

But nothing could be further from the truth.

The note you leave could be as simple as, “I love you and I’ll miss you today.” Or, it could be as complex as a poem you have written or something you found in a book or on the internet that you want to share.

Whatever it is, it simply needs to be a heartfelt expression of your love for your wife. This alone is romantic enough to sweep her off her feet.

Hide the note in a place that isn’t too obvious but she’s sure to look. You could sneak it into her purse, leave it in a makeup bag, or put it in the fridge depending on where she’s going to look that day.

When she sees it she will light up inside, even if you’re not there when she finds it.

Technique #2: Do a Chore for Your Spouse

On the surface this doesn’t sound so romantic, but it’s a technique I have used in my own relationship, and let me tell you, it works!

One day my wife, Sandy, was in the kitchen preparing for some guests that were about to arrive. I knew she was overwhelmed and I wanted to help take some of the pressure off her.

So I walked into the kitchen and said, “Here I am. I’m your servant. What do you want me to do?”

At first she just looked at me, distraught, and said, “I don’t know. There’s so much to do. I just have no idea …”

I could see this wasn’t going anywhere. I could have just started doing something that I thought needed to be done, but then I would be focusing on what was important to me, not her. Besides I may have just gotten in her way.

So I figured out a way to appeal to HER needs.

I asked her this question:

“Once you’re done with what you are doing right now, what will you do next?”

That was easier for her to answer and she readily responded:

“I’ll take care of those dishes in the sink.”

Now I knew what to do. I asked, “Would you like me to finish the chore you’re doing right now or would you like me to do the dishes that are sitting there?”

Sandy beamed. The whole moment suddenly became a delight for her. I applied myself to HER needs and that made all the difference.

So now I’m giving this technique to you. When your spouse looks like she is about to pop because she just has too much to do, see if you can do a chore for her. It’s more romantic than it sounds.

Technique #3: A Candlelight Dinner at Home

A candlelight dinner at home (without the kids) is a superb way to renew the romance in your relationship.

Don’t worry. You don’t actually have to cook the meal if that’s not something you’re exactly good at. Simply order in. If you don’t cook your wife will really appreciate this.

(A word to the cooks out there: Preparing the meal yourself can give you extra bragging rights and might make her appreciate it even more!)

Take out your nicest dishware, set the table, light some candles, put on some nice music, and serve the food as though you were in a restaurant. Whatever you do, don’t put it out in the boxes it came in. That’s a sure way to kill the romance.

When your wife comes home invite her to sit down and enjoy the lovely meal you’ve prepared for the two of you. If you drink you could pour her a glass of wine. Perhaps you could toast to your relationship if the mood strikes you.

Then let the evening lead you where it will.

Technique #4: An Evening in Your Favorite Bed and Breakfast (or anywhere else)

If you want to make things a little more special you could make reservations at your favorite bed and breakfast or hotel and have a special evening away from home.

The arrangements don’t have to be all that complicated. You might simply invite your wife to snuggle up with you in a little cottage by the sea for an evening. You could just talk and make love and enjoy being with each other.

Or you might plan an entire evening of special events: dinner, a night at the theater, a walk on the beach, a stop for desert, and then off to your Intimate bed and breakfast. One can take this to another level by making it a surprise. Ask your wife to clear her schedule for an evening, but don’t tell her what you have in mind. Then surprise her with the special evening you’ve planned.

Technique #5: The Classic—Flowers and Chocolates

And finally there’s the classic move you can use in connection with any of the techniques in this newsletter…

Bring her flowers or chocolates or both.

If money is tight, you can purchase one, two, or three flowers with a card explaining the symbolism of the number. For example you might write, “One rose for each word—I love you.”

(Two could be symbolic of the two of you together, and one can be for how the two of you come together as one … or you could make up your own symbolism.)

You can purchase an appropriately-sized vase at a dollar store, put them together with a ribbon and bow, and you have something beautiful and meaningful.

This age old technique still works as well today as it did in ages past. Part of being romantic is being a little bit chivalrous. You can open the door for your wife. You can help her over a mud puddle. And you can bring her flowers and chocolates on a random evening when you are coming home from work just to show you care.

Better yet, show her you remember Valentine’s Day and use “The Classic” as a way to express your love on the most romantic day of the year.

“But We Just Aren’t Romantic Anymore…”

I know some of you have made it to this point and are thinking, “But that’s not how our relationship is. The romance died away a long time ago. I can’t do this. What can I do if the romance is gone for good?”

Romance is never gone for good if you don’t want it to be. If the romance is absent in your relationship, there’s only one thing to do …

Choose one of the techniques above and make SURE you do it.

I know some relationships have real problems that make romance difficult sometimes.

But I also know that there is only one way to rebuild the romantic flame that brought the two of you together in the first place, and that’s to make a conscious effort at being romantic again.

There may be reasons you can’t do some of these techniques. Weekend trips to bed and breakfasts cost money you may not have right now. And it’s too much to ask a hurt spouse to overcome her feelings and suddenly snuggle with you or allow you to prepare a candlelight dinner for her.

But being romantic isn’t about the money you spend. And it’s not about asking someone to do something they don’t feel comfortable with. It’s about taking a time out from the self-centered way we all conduct our day to day lives to show your spouse that she really does mean something to you.

You have to take into account HER needs. Think about what SHE would like. And then pursue that.

If you can get creative with it…great! Come up with some ideas of your own that will show your partner how special she is to you. Take the time to step out of your own perspective and into her shoes and develop some romantic ideas that aren’t listed above.

If you have a hard time with that, this list gives you a good place to start.

Take advantage of this time of year and make a move toward romance.

You won’t regret it.

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2) Advice for Men: Romance Takes Courage

In relationships where there has been no romance, that have been unhealthy for a long time, or have been injured by something as dramatic as an affair, it can be difficult to choose to be romantic.

You may be worried that your partner won’t react well to your new attempts at romance. Maybe you’re worried she’ll make fun of you or assume that you’re trying to cover up for something you’ve done.

If you find yourself in this situation you have to be courageous and open up about your love. Offer her a genuine display of the love you feel.

I know. This isn’t always easy. In some cases you may actually get the negative responses you imagine. It could happen. I’ve known people who have had to face that in the past.

That’s exactly why it takes courage to be romantic. You have to expose yourself in the face of risk when you choose romance.

Maybe that’s why romance was connected to chivalry in eras gone by. The true knight was brave enough not only to fight the dragon, but, also, to court his love.

You have that capacity as well. Be courageous and open up about your love.

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3) Advice for Women: Offer an Opening for Romance

If you’re a woman who has suffered in a painfully dysfunctional relationship it can be very difficult to accept your husband’s first expressions of romance.

It may appear to you as though he’s being mushy, trying to make up for lost time, or, worse yet, covering up for another mistake he’s made.

But if you want to heal your relationship you will need to make the room to allow romance to grow in it again. Ultimately that means assuming your husband is telling the truth about his feelings at this time and is honestly trying to show you how he feels.

This won’t happen overnight. You won’t be able to simply flip a switch and assume your husband is attempting some form of genuine affection. That’s especially true if you’ve been through something as painful and detrimental as an affair.

But you can work on it. Assume your spouse is being honest (at least until you have evidence to the contrary). Allow yourself to respond honestly and emotionally to his actions.

Because here’s the truth … a lot of men out there are intimidated by romance.

He may be the manliest man in the world, but if he’s afraid you’re going to shoot him down, point out that he is out of character, or call him silly or some other name when he tries a little romance, he will freeze up and you’ll never get a romantic peep out of him again.

So work on allowing the romance to happen. Who knows, maybe he is telling you the truth when he says he loves you.

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4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: She Wants Intimacy, He Wants Intercourse

An interesting and appropriate question came in from Kathy A. who lives in New York. She asks:

My husband feels that being romantic and spending time together always means Intercourse. Am I misunderstanding romance and time together or is he addicted to sex?

Kathy this is a very interesting and very common problem you bring up. Many husbands and wives have this very same dilemma, so be assured you aren’t alone.

You pose this as an either / or question, but in reality it can’t be answered that way. The real answer may surprise you.

In the first place, you ARE NOT misunderstanding romance and time together. Being romantic and spending time together don’t necessarily mean you would have sex during that time.

On the other hand, it’s unlikely your husband is “addicted to sex.” Sex addiction is a very real and very serious disorder. If your problem is simply that your husband wants to have sex when you want to be Intimate in other ways, the problem isn’t sex addiction. You have simply run into one of the classic difficulties in marriage.

I’m not clear about the details of your romantic and sexual relationship so I can’t readily offer you a remedy for your problem. But there are some ways you can start to address the issue on your own.

For starters, your husband will need to learn that there’s a distinction between being romantic and having sex. This email is a good place to start. Another good resource is Saving Your Marriage Made Remarkably Simple where you will find the issue discussed in some detail.

A married couple should have a good balance of Intimate, romantic moments that aren’t sexual and others that are.

Having said that, your husband may not be completely satisfied with your sex life right now. If that’s the case it may be you both need to do some work in this area as well.

A good place to start is having a conversation about these issues. Just talk with him about it. I know people sometimes have a hard time discussing sex and romance. But there’s really no reason not to. In fact, it will likely help you find a solution to your problem.

I hope this helps. If you need more than a few conversations to begin making changes, you might need to seek counseling services, either local to you, or you could work with me by telephone. Remember, this is a problem that affects many marriages. I’ve found that the first step to solving it is usually a conversation.

Good luck.

It's Dr. Gunzburg again. Are having a difficult time connecting with your spouse?

Do you try connecting with your partner only to come up empty?

If the answer is yes, this issue is dedicated to you.

Over the years I’ve discovered techniques that help people deepen the intimate emotional connection that brought them together in a profound way.

I’ve watched as relationships transform from cold, bitter frustration into tender, loving kindness using the techniques outlined below.

So if you feel like you are trapped in an emotionally arctic wasteland in your relationship, or even if you simply want to deepen an emotional connection you already have, keep reading.

It may just save your marriage.

By the way, do you know how to know if your spouse has stopped cheating? Read below to find the answer.

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January 3, 2006 Issue # 3

What's Inside:
1) How to Connect Emotionally with Your Spouse
2) Advice for Men: When Listening Doesn’t Come Easy
3) Advice for Women: Be Patient with Your man
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: How to Know if They Stopped Cheating.

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1) How to Connect Emotionally with Your Spouse
Frank Gunzburg, PhD

Susan and Alex were sitting in my office trying to rebuild an emotional connection that had been destroyed by years of distance, neglect, and a short affair Alex was engaged in a year before.

Susan started telling Alex how important the intimate connection they once had was to her. She said, "Alex, I used to love it when we were intimate."

Alex said, "Ya, I know."

And that was the end of the conversation ... or it would have been if I hadn't intervened.

The problem here was the same problem so many people have when they are trying to connect with their partner emotionally—the communication falls apart.

It was absolutely clear to me that Alex didn't have the slightest idea what Susan was talking about. But those three little words—ya, I know—were about to kill a moment that had the potential to be truly powerful for Susan and Alex.

Knowing it couldn’t stop there, I asked Alex what he thought Susan was talking about.

He said, "Susan wants us to have more sex. All she can talk about is being intimate."

Susan, of course, was aghast. Sex was the last thing on her mind, and she told Alex as much.

He consequently became annoyed and confused and had a hard time continuing with the session.

Luckily with a little gentle guidance he stayed. And the moments that followed became some of the most powerful in their relationship.

How to Deepen the Emotional Connection

When an intimate relationship is operating at an optimal level, the two people in the relationship touch each other emotionally by talking to and listening to one another in a passionate and sensitive way.

If you have suffered some trauma in your relationship or you’ve grown apart over time, you may not be touching each other this way right now.

When this emotional distance goes on too long, it can be dangerous to a relationship. You run the risk of growing even further apart and your relationship may eventually dissolve altogether.

This primarily happens because people don’t know how to communicate. They talk and listen the way Susan and Alex did in my office, which is to say they don’t really talk or listen at all. There are few words, a whole lot of assumptions, and no investigation of what’s going on for the other person.

The good news is that communication isn’t an inborn trait. It’s a skill that can be learned. And learning this skill will help you connect to your partner on a much deeper emotional level.

Let’s look at how you do that.

Knowing When to Talk: Feel the Moment and Reach Out

The emotionally deepening moments in your relationship will not happen everyday and shouldn’t. (See more about this in the “Advice for Women” below.) They will be scattered throughout your relationship.

So the first step to emotionally connected communication is learning how to catch the opportunities to deepen your emotional connection and take advantage of them.

Alex and Susan had that kind of opportunity when Alex chose to stay in session and continued investigating what his wife was telling him.

But these moments can present themselves in many other ways as well.

Over the course of your lives together you may find yourselves sitting on a balcony looking out over a beautiful ocean view sipping a glass of wine or curled up by a fireplace, warm and relaxed.

In these romantic, personal moments you can touch each other in ways that are intimate, but not necessarily sexual. You can touch each other with your understanding.

Perhaps, in a moment like this your partner will open up and share something that’s important to her with you. Or, you may willingly share a piece of yourself with your partner.

When this happens it’s time to open up and truly communicate with your partner. And when I say communicate, I don’t mean simply talk the way we do everyday. I mean learning HOW to talk and learning HOW to listen.

Because despite the fact that we all learn to speak at a young age, very few of us really know how to communicate.

Luckily, you’re about to learn.

Before I get to that I wanted to mention another issue. In some relationships traumatic events have made it very difficult to communicate intimately. You may find that you very rarely have moments like the ones described above.

In my book How to Survive An Affair I offer ways to develop communication and rebuild intimacy. Even if you haven’t suffered from an affair, some of those techniques may help you.

Being the Speaker: Sharing Your Soul without Sharing Too Much

You’re sitting there by the fireplace, wrapped up in your partner’s embrace, and you’ve opened up and shared some important part of yourself with your partner.

This could be something you have discussed before or something brand new. It could be something about your relationship or about your personal life. It could be an aspect of your relationship or your partner you are concerned about or it could be something you truly cherish in your marriage.

In essence, it could be ANYTHING that is meaningful to you. Any part of yourself you share with your partner has the potential to deepen the emotional connection you have.

So being a good, emotionally connected speaker isn’t about what you say (as long as you are sharing something important to you), it’s about how you say it.

And there are a few important guidelines to follow when you are sharing with your partner.

The 3 Rules for Emotionally Connected Speaking

1. Share only one thing at a time. Human beings have cognitive limitations. If you share too many things with your partner at one time he will probably only remember the last part of what you tell him. So keep the packages of information small.

2. Don’t make accusations. The reason for this rule is pretty obvious: If you become accusatory your partner will likely react by becoming defensive and the whole moment will evaporate.

Don’t let your voice sound angry or accusing, don’t let the words you say be accusatory either. With a little thought there is almost always a way to share sensitive information about your partner or your relationship in a non-accusatory way.

3. Help your partner understand you. As the speaker it’s your job to help the listener truly understand how you feel or what you think about the issue you are sharing.

In a good conversation a listener will ask questions, repeat back what the speaker has said and try to investigate the issue being discussed so he can understand it more completely (see the section on listening below for more details).

When this happens respond as openly and truly as you know how. Try and share yourself in a new way with your partner.

Following these three rules will help you engage your partner, deepen the conversation, and foster a new emotional connection.

Learning to Listen: Drop Assumptions and Begin to Investigate

Assumptions kill conversations. Take the example of Susan and Alex for instance. It was Alex’s assumption that he understood what Susan was saying which nearly destroyed the intimate moment that was developing.

There’s only one way to make sure this doesn’t happen to you …

…Assume nothing and freely ask for clarifications.

Too many people assume they know what their partner is thinking or feeling. So, instead of using an intimate moment as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level, they blow their chance.

This eliminates the possibility for an emotionally connected conversation.

When you take on the role of the listener (which you want to do anytime your partner is trying to share something meaningful with you),it’s your job to drop your assumptions and investigate what’s being said so you can deepen your understanding of your partner.

There are two major ways to do this.

2 Techniques for Investigating What’s Meaningful to Your Partner

The best techniques I know to investigate what’s truly going on for your partner are:

1. Repeat back your understanding of what your partner has told you and ask if it’s accurate – this means explaining what you heard rather than parroting the words. 2. Ask open-ended questions.

Instead of simply assuming you know what your partner means when she shares something with you, you should repeat what you think she has said and make sure your understanding of it is accurate.

For example, if your partner has just told you she gets frustrated when you come home late from work, because it interferes with your time together, you might investigate this by saying:

“I think you are saying that you really want to spend time together and when I come home late from work you are disappointed because it is like I robbed us of the extra time that could have been our time together. Is that right?”

This opens up the opportunity for your partner to expand on or change what she has said so that you can understand her true feelings more clearly.

You might nail it the first time … but that rarely happens. It’s far more likely that your partner will revise her statement, expand on it, or contradict it completely. Allow it to happen

Why allow it? Because this is exactly what’s supposed to happen.

Don’t get frustrated if the revised statements don’t match the original. A conversation of this nature isn’t about finding the “truth” in an objective sense, it’s about finding out what’s true for your partner. That’s how you deepen your emotional connection.

Let’s say you repeat back the statement above and she responds by saying:

“Well, that’s not really it. What really frustrates me is that you don’t call and tell me you’re going to be late. If you could do that it would help me rearrange my own plans to accommodate your schedule.”

Notice this statement doesn’t match the original. It contains a lot of new information and in some ways it even contradicts the original. This kind of thing is liable to happen in emotionally connected conversations.

That’s because people develop their thoughts in the moment. That’s what your partner is doing, and your job to help her do it. So, instead of becoming frustrated, use these moments as an opportunity to develop the discourse.

An excellent way to keep this interaction going, deepen your understanding of what your partner is trying to express to you, and help her develop her thoughts is to ask open-ended questions, or she is just good at giving you free information.

An open-ended question is a question that requires more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer. It’s an investigative question that helps tease out a person’s thoughts and feelings.

There are a lot of instructions about how to develop open-ended questions in How to Survive an Affair and the techniques are too complex to go into here, so I will let you refer to that book for more suggestions.

But one easy way to know whether or not you are asking an open-ended question is your partner’s response. If she expands on the issue you are discussing in a non-defensive way, you have probably successfully executed a good open-ended question.

Continuing on with the example above, you could respond to your partner’s new statement with a recap followed by an open-ended question or request for more information. The recap gives your partner the opportunity to correct your understanding of what was said or what was meant, if it needs correcting.

You might say:

“I understand that it bothers you when I don’t call home if I’m going to be late. Tell me more about what the experience is like for you.”

This gives your partner a further opportunity to expand on the issue, share more information, and reveal more of herself. All of this, in turn, gives you the chance to deepen your understanding of your partner.

This takes time and it takes some energy, but it’s worth it because it allows you to powerfully connect to your partner about something that’s important to her.

There are a few more things you need to know to become a master listener, and that’s what NOT to do when you are in the listener role. If the 2 techniques above are the listening “dos,” these are the “DON’Ts”.

The Listening DON’Ts

1. Don’t get defensive. However your partner responds, think about it as if she were talking about someone else to help you remain non-defensive.

Don’t contradict what your partner says even if it’s not the truth. If she says, “You never call me.” Don’t respond by saying, “I do TOO!!” This will kill the moment and destroy your developing connection.

Instead, take the hit for what’s being said. You can take it. And even if it doesn’t seem true to you, it’s true for your partner otherwise she wouldn’t have said it.

2. Don’t take the spotlight off your partner. As you begin to understand your partner’s feelings you should share this understanding with her. But you need to do this without taking the spotlight off her. In other words, don’t turn this into what you think and what your experience is.

Tell her that you can see how she feels, or you could imagine why she would feel that way, but don’t start talking about “a situation you had” that was similar or how “you feel when that happens.”

The speaker is the one that’s sharing here, and it’s the listener’s job to try and understand what’s being said. Let her keep the spotlight. It’s the only way you will understand her better.

When it All Comes Together

In moments when this process works as it should you can see the intimacy grow on your partner’s face. You can see the change and emotional deepening happen before your eyes, and can often feel it yourself too.

That’s what happened with Susan and Alex that day.

When Alex overcame his initial anger and frustration he was able to investigate what Susan was really talking about, and it changed the way they understood one another.

Alex said, “Susan, if it’s not sex you’re talking about, then what kind of intimacy are we discussing here?”

Susan responded, “I love it when you touch me with your words. I love it when we talk. I love it when we share with one another.”

I watched as Alex’s frustration melted away into quiet thoughtfulness in that moment, and for the first time I could see what brought these two people together in the first place.

I got to be witness to a special event that day. I watched as a conversation took place that helped Susan and Alex start to rebuild and deepen an emotional connection that had been dormant for a long time.

The same thing can happen for you.

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2) Advice for Men: When Listening Doesn’t Come Easily

I would say men tend to rely more on personal assumptions, cut off conversations, and try to control the boundaries of what’s being talked about more than women do.

If you’re a man, and you find yourself in this situation don’t despair or blame yourself. It isn’t your fault and you can change. As I said above communication is a skill, not an inborn trait.

For the most part, men simply aren’t taught how to communicate, and for this reason it makes it more difficult for them to connect with their partners emotionally.

I don’t know of any no research to prove this, and there are plenty of situations where men are the more natural communicators in relationships, but in my experience men tend to have a more difficult time dropping assumptions and diving into unknown territory in conversations.

The upshot of this is that men tend to have a harder time in the listener position.

But again, this isn’t reason for despair. All it means is that you will have to consciously practice the listening skills above more than your partner will.

And there are a few things to keep in mind as you do this …

When you start using these techniques you probably aren’t going to be very good at them. You will be a novice and novices always have a hard time at first.

So don’t get discouraged. There’s only one way to master a new skill and that’s to practice, even when it’s difficult.

Grab hold of each opportunity to deepen your emotional connection and refine these new skills.

Your partner will thank you for it.

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3) Advice for Women: Be Patient with Your Man

Women tend to be more “natural” communicators, because of the way they are raised in this culture. So the skills you have just learned may not seem like anything new to you.

But keep in mind that there’s nothing “natural” about it. Women are simply taught these skills at a much younger age then men. Most men don’t learn these techniques until their relationship is in danger, and sometimes they don’t learn them then.

So don’t chastise your partner for something he was never taught to do.

Instead, encourage him to develop the skills that will make your communication deeper and more emotionally relevant. Remain patient with him as he develops these new skills, especially when he is in the role of the listener.

Also keep in mind that not ALL communication has to be emotionally deep. You need to have some talk about basic information and strategizing in your day to day life. You need to joke. And sometimes you just need to shoot the breeze.

You can’t expect, and shouldn’t be having, deep, intimate, revelatory discussions about your relationship all the time. If you did, it would seem like you were in a psychiatric hospital—spending every waking moment in therapy discussing your “issues.”

But you AREN’T in a psychiatric hospital. You’re out in the world living your day to day life. So let the small talk be what it is. And when it’s time for the deep conversations be patient with your man.

4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: How to Know if They Stopped Cheating

Every month I offer the you the opportunity to ask me questions. In each newsletter I pick a question at random that seems relevant to a lot of people out there, and I answer it. This month’s question comes from Brenda S. in Texas and it is:

How will I know if my husband has really stopped cheating on me this time around, if he has deceived me a few times before?

Brenda, the solution to this one isn’t easy, but if you can make it work, it can have a profound influence on your relationship and your ability to rebuild the trust with your partner.

Of course the prior deceit complicates your situation and puts a greater burden on your husband to follow the recommendations below. He has to repair his character.

The key is a concept I outline in great detail in How to Survive an Affair—transparency.

If you and your husband are trying to recover from an affair one of his biggest responsibilities is to become transparent with you. This means that he must open up and reveal himself completely so you can trust him again.

For your own part, you need to ask your husband to share himself in ways that will make you feel confident he is no longer having an affair.

This could mean he is voluntarily sharing bills, email, voicemail messages, or letting you listen in on phone calls —when he knows you are listening in. It could include verbal reassurances from your husband, calls home when he’s going to be late, or invitations to join him when he goes out with his colleagues after work.

What YOU need to ask depends on your own situation and your personal needs. And that is something we don’t have the space to investigate in this newsletter.

But there are a lot of techniques you and your husband can learn that will help you through this difficult time in How to Survive an Affair I recommend focusing specifically on the sections on transparency and truth.

I hope it helps.

It’s Dr. Gunzburg again. Do you wish you and your spouse could stop all the fighting? If so, you’re not alone. Every day I see couples struggling; trying to connect with their partner without exploding into a raging argument.

Keep in mind, when I say “fighting,” I’m not talking about physical fighting. If that’s occurring you need to seek professional help immediately. I’m talking about everyday arguments that can slowly eat away at your marriage if left unchecked.

Arguments of this nature are not unusual. In fact, it’s normal. Everyone has disagreements. I was visiting a friend the other day, getting ready to go for a bike ride with him, and on the way out the door he and his wife almost ended up in a fight about the phone. It was a simple issue that could have turned into a major argument.

Why didn’t it?

Because of a few principles and techniques they understood that allowed them to resolve the problem before it began (read more below to get the whole story…)

If you’re going to be happy in a lasting relationship, you need to learn how to stop the fighting before it starts. After all, how do you think the world’s oldest couple (married 74 years) managed to stay together as long as they did? (The answer is at the end of this letter...)

By the way, I had an overwhelming response to last month’s survey question: “What is the single biggest problem you face in your relationship?” (Have a look at the surprising results below…)

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December 5, 2005 Issue # 2

What's Inside:

1) How to Stop the Fighting Before it Starts
2) Advice for Men: Accepting Alternate Approaches
3) Advice for Women: Before You Criticize …
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: How Can I Take My Husband Back After an Affair and Still Respect Myself?

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1) How to Stop the Fighting Before it Starts Frank Gunzburg, PhD

A couple of days ago I met Jake (a good friend of mine) over at his house for a bike ride. We were on the way out the door when Jake looked over at his wife (who was on the phone) and asked her to put the receiver back in the recharging cradle when she was done talking.

When Jake said this, I saw Cynthia’s shoulders tense up. She became visibly defensive, obviously thinking Jake was criticizing her. (I found out later that phones left “off the hook” had caused some fights between them in the past.)

For a minute she stared daggers at him. Then she turned away in a huff.

I could tell that Jake was a bit perturbed, but instead of taking this as an invitation to argue, he let the moment pass and gave her a kiss, which she returned and they parted on good terms.

I was so impressed with the way Jake handled the situation that I asked him if we could talk about it on our bike ride.

As we talked I was dually impressed by the fact that Jake was consciously putting techniques to work that I suggest my clients use to help them put a stop to fights before they start. Jake was using these techniques without any counseling from me, or formal training of any kind. They came out of his own experience.

Learning to use the techniques Jake used in that moment can help you put a stop to the fighting before it starts too.

But before I can show you exactly how to do that, you need to become consciously aware of why fights start in the first place. So let’s look at how fights develop. Doing so will help you see how you can shift courses before the issues you are dealing with blow up into raging argument.

Why Do You Argue?

It’s no secret that couples fight from time to time. When you are close to somebody you’re bound to disagree with them and arguments often arise from this disagreement.

People also tend to become critical of one another over time. Little flaws stick out more and more and turn into pet peeves. Which in turn cause criticisms, and criticism often start arguments. (See the advice for women column for information on this.)

Or you might try to control your partner in indistinct ways. Thinking your way is the best way, you may try to implement rules your partner doesn’t want to accept. (See the advice for men column for a further exploration of this issue.)

Arguments can develop for any of these reasons, and there’s nothing unnatural about it. In fact, it’s the most normal thing in the world. There’s nothing wrong with any of these situations. In fact, they are basically inevitable in a relationship.

But that doesn’t mean that arguments have to occur when you find yourself in these situations. When you run into emotionally charged encounters of this nature, you have a choice about what to do.

One thing you can do is get in an argument. You’ve been invited into the argument after all. But, of course, that’s what you’re trying to avoid. So consider these alternatives:

Let the issue go without addressing it at all.

Or discuss the issue without letting it turn into a fight.

Both of these solutions can be very useful in certain situations. So let’s look at some specific ways you can employ these techniques.

Learning to Let it Pass

I have often heard clients say something like, “I just couldn’t let it go. I had to say something,” when I ask them why they said something they knew would lead to an argument.

The idea that you “had to say something” isn’t an accurate perception. You don’t HAVE to say anything. You are a human being and you have the ability to choose how you act.

People are either consciously or unconsciously inviting their partners into arguments all the time. The story above is a good example of this. When Cynthia felt criticized she became defensive, glared at Jake, and turned away. This was a physical invitation to argue— can’t you just hear it: Jake retorts with something like, “What, you think it’s unfair for me to ask you to return the phone to the recharger?” And they would be “off to the races,” or rather, into an argument.

I am sure you can think of things your partner does to invite you to argue. Every couple has these kinds of cues between them.

But just because you receive an invitation doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

So when you find yourself about to get in an argument you need to ask yourself whether or not it’s really worth it.

There are a lot of issues that come up in relationships that just aren’t worth arguing about. In the example above, Jake made a choice. He decided pushing on about the phone simply wasn’t worth it. So he let it go, treated his wife the way he normally would had he not mentioned the issue, and they both moved on without getting into an argument.

If you find that your husband has left the toothpaste cap off the tube again, or is leaving almost empty bottles of iced tea in the refrigerator, it may be these things simply aren’t worth the energy and heartache it would take to have a discussion about them.

Life is too short to waste too much energy on such small issues.

When you find yourself about to engage your partner in an argument, take a moment to consider whether or not it’s really worth pursuing. Don’t just act on impulse.

If it’s not worth it, let it go. It’s important that you learn to let go of the small stuff in relationships. We’re all human. We all make mistakes and get on each other’s nerves from time to time. Don’t get so caught in the moment that you argue about every little thing. If you do, you can cause real harm to your relationship.

If you DO decide it’s worth pursuing, then take the energy you would normally dedicate to an argument and refocus it into a conversation.

Here’s how.

Talking Without Arguing: A Simple Plan

Anything that causes you significant emotional distress is bound to come out over time. Keeping your emotions inside when you’re emotionally disturbed is like shaking up a bottle of cola. If you keep doing it for too long the bottle will eventually explode.

That’s the same thing that happens when you keep your emotions bottled up. Eventually they come bursting out … usually in a fit of anger.

If you find yourself about to accept an invitation to argue and you decide the issue is important enough to address, the best thing to do is get it out on the table as soon as possible.

If you hold off, thinking your anger or frustration will diminish over time, you’re setting yourself up for a future blow out argument.

There are ways you can bring up the issue immediately without letting it turn into a fight. Arguing is, after all, simply an emotionally charged form of communication. And good relationships are all about good communication.

Learning how to communicate without letting it get so emotionally charged that it explodes into a full-fledged fight turns an obstacle into an opportunity.

It not only allows you to avoid arguments, but helps you connect with your partner on a deeper emotional level. This in turn helps you avoid more arguments and the whole pattern turns into a positive cycle.

So here are some ways you can talk about the issues that cause you emotional distress in your relationship without arguing about them.

Lighten it up with Humor

The first way to address issues in your relationship without stirring up arguments is by using humor effectively. Some people are really good at putting a funny spin on a situation to lighten it up while still communicating what they need.

I had one client who used to get really upset when her husband would explode into a fit of rage when he made simple mistakes. The guy would do something like accidentally knock over a cup of water and would start yelling at and condemning himself for the accident.

Instead of exacerbating his anger, this woman went into a mock meltdown of her own. Every time it happened she acted the part of a clown and paraded around the house pretending to tear out her hair, baring her teeth, and ranting about how stupid it was to spill water.

Inevitably both people ended up rolling on the floor with laughter. And her husband got the hint without a fight ever ensuing. Some couples can get away with a stunt like this, and others can’t.

Of course, you probably won’t want to use humor if you’re about to bring up a particularly hot issue for your spouse. If you joke about things he’s sensitive about it could make him defensive and lead to an argument.

So judge wisely and use humor well when the time is ripe.

Open the Discussion with Compliments

Another thing to try is complimenting your partner or reassuring him about the relationship while you talk about what’s disturbing you. Instead of sticking only to the negative, add some positive commentary into the mix and defuse the situation.

For example if you love it when your husband hugs you, but get kind of annoyed when he tries to do it when you’re preoccupied with something else, you could say, “You know I love when you hug me except when I am involved in washing the dishes.”

This addresses the issue in a positive way and keeps a fight from happening while still addressing the problem.

Locate the Underlying Reasons for the Frustration

If you’re feeling some emotional tension and you can’t quite figure out the reason, I would recommend looking for the probable causes behind the frustration.

You should probably start this process without your partner, but eventually you will want to invite him into the conversation. Explore where the tension lies together and some possible ways you could solve the situation before the whole issue blows up into an argument.

When you do invite your partner to explore the issue with you, do it in a non-accusatory way. For example you might say:

“Honey, there’s something that’s been bothering me a bit in our relationship. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I have a couple of ideas. Do you think we could discuss the issue and see if we can get to the bottom of it together?”

This technique is particularly powerful because it gives you the opportunity to connect with your partner on an emotional level instead of fighting. If you talk with him and locate the underlying problem that is causing the tension, you develop a deeper understanding of one another.

For example, if your partner is coming home late from work without a call home, you may find yourself starting to worry about this. In this example you would possibly do some investigative work inside yourself and realize that it really bothers you when your partner is home late without a call.

You could then choose to address the issue with your partner by saying something like:

“Recently I’ve felt some tension in the evenings about our relationship, and I think I might have figured out why. It really bothers me when you’re late from work and you don’t call. I’m sure you have a reason for doing it, but if we could figure out a way to get in touch when this happens it would mean a lot to me”

In presenting the information this way, you will probably generate a discussion instead of an argument. You might find out that your partner has been coping with a lot of stress at work recently and has been forgetting to call. In this case, you have the chance to empathize with him about his work situation and still look for ways to address the issue at hand.

Becoming Your Partner’s Defense Attorney

Imagine that you’re in a court of law and you have to represent your partner’s side of the disagreement. How would you approach this? Could you come up with a rational defense for the way your partner is acting, or his position in the disagreement?

If so, consider carefully what this defense might be. Then apply it to the current situation. It’s most likely your partner has a rational reason for behaving in this annoying way. Consider that reason before you jump down his throat.

Again, this technique has the power to help you understand your partner’s side of the story in new and different ways. You might even choose to share what you discover once you have tried the technique.

Stop Sending Invitations to Argue

Finally, make sure that your tone of voice and your body language aren’t inviting your partner to argue with you. You probably know which tones of voice and which bodily gestures bait your partner by now.

If you don’t, simply think of tones of voice and gestures that would spark you to argue and avoid those. To help avoid these problems further you can also, put your head in a good state of mind by doing mental aerobics as explained below in my advice to women. In most cases, this will help to keep you from ending up in an argument based on something as innocuous as how you are talking.

Each of these techniques have a few common elements. And if you understand the underlying concepts in all of them, you will probably be able to avoid a great many unnecessary arguments.

The first thing to understand is that each technique is built to help you engage in a mutual discussion about the issue at hand. However you choose to communicate with your partner, DON’T bait him into an argument.

Instead, use your frustration as an opportunity to explore a hot issue in your relationship together . If you take this as a chance to work together to solve a problem instead of a time to fight with each other, you’ll probably stay out of an argument.

Secondly, never accuse your partner. Most of the time people have rational reasons for behaving the way they behave. Trust that your partner is a rational person without malicious intent, and give him the benefit of the doubt.

And finally, remember to forgive the small stuff. Is it REALLY worth it to cause yourself so much distress and endanger your relationship over a toothpaste cap or a half empty beverage? I don’t think so. Learn to let go of as much as you can, and your relationship will bloom.

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2) Advice for Men: Accepting Alternate Approaches

It may be that men have more of a tendency to try and control the way their partners proceed with particular tasks. For example, have you ever found yourself trying to tell your wife how to parallel park “properly” because you think she hasn’t the slightest clue what she’s doing even though she’s parked the car on her own hundreds of times?

If so, you may find yourself in unnecessary arguments because you believe your way is the “right” way.

Keep in mind that there usually aren’t “right” ways to do things. Especially when it comes to things like parallel parking. People accomplish these kinds of menial, everyday tasks in their own way. And there are pluses and minuses to any potential solution to this type of problem.

If you find that you are about to engage your partner in a conversation (or argument) because you disagree with the way she is doing something, try this strategy to keep the argument at bay.

Consider the Alternatives

Before you ever open your mouth about the issue, try and think of some alternative ways to accomplish the same task. Consider the pros and cons of every alternative you come up with.

For example, if your partner proceeds with chores around the house in a different order than you would do them, you might consider the positive aspects of her way of doing things. Perhaps her way of completing these tasks has advantages of its own.

Make it a competition. Challenge yourself to see how many possible alternatives you can brainstorm.

Once you have considered this, THEN you can bring up the issue with your partner. As you do, make it clear that you understand your way is only one way to achieve a particular goal.

When you are communicating with your partner continue trying to find alternative ways to behave in the situation. Consider the pros and cons of each with your partner.

By doing this you will not only show your partner that you have relinquished your “my way or the highway” attitude, you will figure out a solution to the task at hand that fits for both of you.

Or, perhaps you won’t come to a mutual conclusion. Perhaps you will decide that the best solution is for each of you to do it your own way when you are the responsible one for the task.

Either way you get to express your frustration while letting go of any attempts to control the situation. That way your partner doesn’t become defensive and start offering invitations to argue.

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3) Advice for Women: Before You Criticize …

If men tend to be more controlling, then it may be women are more openly critical of their partners. Criticism of any kind, if not presented well, is a hotbed for unnecessary an argument.

So before you start telling your partner about all the things that are wrong with him try doing some mental aerobics.

The first exercise you need to do is to think back on a time when you did something wrong that was clearly your fault and is of about equal severity as the critique you are about to make of your partner. If you can come up with more than one example—great. But you must come up with at least one.

When you have finished that activity, turn to the second exercise in mental aerobics routine: Try and think of at least one time that your partner did correctly what you are about to criticize him for.

For example, if you are about to ask him not to stay out for a drink after work without calling home, think of one time when he did, in fact, call you before he decided to do this. . Now that you have done that, you are ready for the final exercise in your routine. Before you start criticizing your partner come up with at least 3 positive attributes that you really like about him. They can be about any part of him or his personality.

Perhaps your partner is very affectionate and you appreciate that in him. Or maybe he is a particularly intelligent fellow and you admire his intellect. Maybe you think he is a really attractive man, and you remember how much you like his looks. Whatever it is, just remember there are aspects of your partner you truly admire.

Doing these exercises will usually show you that your partner isn’t quite as bad as he seems the moment he is slopping milk down his chin right out of the carton. These exercises cool down your emotions, so you can discuss the issue more rationally.

Once you have done all of these mental aerobics you are ready to think about how you are going to present your criticism. Take the information you gathered in the exercises with you into the discussion.

It is worth mentioning that both of the exercises in the advice for men and the advice for women column could be used in reverse. If you are a woman who is trying to control a situation use the advice above. If you are a man and you are about to criticize your wife, use the advice in this section.

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4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: How Can I Take My Husband Back After an Affair and Still Respect Myself?

Every month I offer the you the opportunity to ask me questions. In each newsletter I pick a question at random that seems relevant to a lot of people out there, and I answer it. This month’s question comes from Robin I. in New Jersey. And it is:

“How can I take my husband back after and affair and still respect myself?”

Robin, the issue you raise is an important one. And while the question looks simple on the surface, it is actually a fairly complex problem. There are a number of factors to consider and I will address each of them in as much detail as I can in the space given.

If you were sitting in my office asking this question, I might respond by asking you how you feel you would be disrespecting yourself if you took your husband back and tried to work out your relationship.

An answer to this question may lead you down a path to see how you can proceed with this problem.

However, since I don’t have an answer to that question I can only guess at what you might think or feel that would lead you to feel disrespecting of yourself, if you were to choose to try and work out the problems in your relationship.

The first thing that comes to mind is the social stigma that’s attached to affairs. The society at large and lots of the people in it seem to suggest that trying to work through an affair means you are “weak” or “foolish.” In my opinion nothing could be further from the truth.

If you love your partner, he returns your love, and you are both willing to do the work to rebuild your relationship it can happen and there is absolutely no shame in this. It certainly doesn’t mean you are “weak” or “foolish.”

Let me ask you this: Is it weak or foolish to do the work necessary to rebuild a relationship that has filled up your life?

Nobody has the right to suggest that you shouldn’t get back together with your husband if you choose to. Remember, this is your life and nobody can tell you how to live it except you. You are the person that has to live with the consequences of your actions.

Unfortunately a lot of the social perception about how to react to an affair is based on the mistaken notion that affairs are “rare.” This isn’t the case at all, and the results in the survey below might interest you in this regard.

The second thing to consider is your own emotional well being. You may be worried that you won’t be able to take care of yourself emotionally and would hence be “disrespecting” yourself if you went back to the relationship.

It’s important that you make sure to take care of yourself emotionally and find ways to get your emotional needs met. You can definitely do this while trying to rebuild your relationship. However, telling you how to do this is beyond the scope of this newsletter.

Finally you may be concerned that your spouse won’t or hasn’t ended the affair. Hence, if you take him back you will be hurt even more and will shame yourself. This could amount to the disrespect you speak of.

If you are going to rebuild your relationship your husband must end the affair completely and unequivocally. He must also be willing to convince you with actions that this affair is over, and that he will never have another.

Again, I offer very specific techniques on how to achieve this in How to Survive an Affair. See that book for more details.

If you can forgo what people around you might be suggesting, and put the strategies into play that are necessary to insure your emotional stability as well as your security in your relationship, then you will be able to take your husband back without losing respect for yourself.

Before closing this section I would like to thank each of you for writing in. There was a massive response to this section and each question was wonderful. I read each of them and hope to respond to many more in future issues.

It’s Dr. Gunzgurg again. I have good news. For the last few months people have been asking me to publish a newsletter that will tell them exactly what they need to do to save their marriages and relationships…

So I did it, and here it is.

Every month I am going to send you step-by-step information on what you need to do in order to save your relationship.

Everything from restoring the trust to stopping a nasty argument before it starts… I will go through it all.

Because you joined my email list, I will not charge you for this information. I am doing this strictly because I enjoy sharing what I’ve learned over the last 30 years in my practice and I want to stay current with you.

At any time you can unsubscribe out of my list by scrolling to the bottom of any of my emails, but before you do, realize that the information you are going to receive is the same tools and strategies that people use to save their marriages and relationships.

So, give it a chance and use the form at the bottom to ask me questions. Every month I will write on new topics that you ask me about… so we’ll make this interactive.

Let’s get’s started. This month’s topic is actually one of the most commonly asked questions and the answer I will give you may take you by surpise…

However, before we get started: Who do you think has intercourse more often, married people or unmarried people?

(The answer is at the end of this letter.)

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November 15, 2005 Issue # 1

What's Inside:
1) How How Pulling Away Can Save Your Marriage…
2) Advice for Men: How to Keep Your Woman Happy
3) Advice for Women: How to Keep Your Man Interested in You
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: Does the Trust Ever Come Back after an Affair?

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1) How Pulling Away Can Save Your Marriage…
Frank Gunzburg, PhD

Do you know what a great marriage looks like?

Two people come together to share their lives and their love with each other. Both partners are invested in the marriage, doing the work they need to so the relationship thrives. They develop an ever closer bond and grow old together. Right?

How nice would it be to achieve that happy state? It would be pretty great wouldn’t it? So you’d think I would start out this newsletter writing about that ideal image wouldn’t you?

But I haven’t and I won’t…

In a paradoxical twist, I have decided to write my very first issue on a totally different topic. On that is actually more common than I’d wish.to acknlowledge.

I want to teach you how to save your marriage by yourself…

You see, many people contact me almost out of gas. They are at the point of giving up. They don’t know what they can do to get their spouse involved in their relationship. As a result they end up feeling utterly…

HOPELESS!

When a marriage is in trouble, one person is often more invested in working it out than the other (and a lot of marriages out there are in trouble.)

The first step toward the ideal future described above is solving the problems you face in your relationship now.

So this is a question I often get from clients who want to recreate their marriage but are frustrated with a spouse that doesn’t seem as involved as they are.

They come in and say, “I want to rebuild my relationship, but I’m not sure how to get my partner involved. How can I start saving my relationship by myself?”

The women usually know what I’m talking about. because it’s usually the woman who has the investment (and foresight) to see why the relationship is important enough to work for. She wants to save her marriage because she knows she has put her heart and her life’s work into it.

Unfortunately men often don’t understand that until it’s too late. When they finally do figure it out they end up devastated.

So it’s a benefit to both of you if you can start the process of saving your relationship right now on your own. That’s why I’m going to teach you how to do it.

If you feel the love is fading away, and worry your relationship is on the brink of destruction you basically have two options.

Saving Your Marriage By Yourself Option # 1:

The first is to step up your own commitment to the relationship. You can try to give it everything it needs to thrive by yourself. Step up the loving kindness you’ve already shown your partner to another level. Give everything you have to the relationship.

Feed it with your very soul.

Now if you’re the person who is trying to save the relationship, you’ve probably been providing most of what the relationship needs to survive already. And giving any more may sound like a daunting prospect.

That’s because it IS a daunting prospect. It’s almost impossible for one person to provide everything a relationship needs to survive.

If you choose to go this route you might turn your partner around. He may finally wake up, see what you’ve been doing all these years, and realize that he has to step up his own commitment to match yours.

But how likely is that? If you’re in this situation and you’re trying to save your relationship by yourself, how likely is it that your husband will finally open his eyes and see all the love and care you’ve been pouring out?

I’ll tell you, it’s not terribly likely.

In fact, you might even make the situation worse. He may pull away even more when he sees you’re doing all the work. When this happens you’ve taken a bad situation and made it worse.

In my opinion, this first option is not the best one you have. It’s a route some people take, and in some cases it works. But in most cases it doesn’t, and people end up even more disappointed, exhausted, and frustrated than they were before.

However, there’s a technique you can use that will help you achieve your goal more effectively and efficiently. It’s something I teach my clients to use when they ask me how to save their relationship. It can be wrapped up in a single sentence:

Saving Your Marriage By Yourself Option # 2:

Draw away and make yourself a mystery.

Yes, you read that sentence correctly. I know. It sounds like another paradox. How could I possibly suggest that you draw away from your partner when your marriage is already on the brink?

You’re right to question the logic. This IS yet another paradox. But strategically drawing away from your partner can show him in a very real way exactly why he fell in love with you to begin with. It can teach him what he’d be missing if the relationship actually died.

And that’s exactly what the man in your life needs to know.

So here’s what you do.

Instead of investing even more kindness and love into the relationship, pull away some of your kindness. Stop doing special things for your partner. Inject a little mystery in his life by doing something unexpected.

Make him wonder about what’s changing in you. Remind him of the parts of you he fell in love with in the first place.

This doesn’t mean you want to do something destructive to the relationship like go on a date or have an affair. You’re trying to save your relationship, not kill it.

What you want to do is make yourself mysterious. Add some of the romance back into the relationship by doing things that are sexy and unexpected.

You will also want to make an effort to put your husband in a position to pick up some of the slack in the relationship. Make him do some of the things you’ve been doing by pulling away yourself.

Here are some examples you might try that will help you achieve this without damaging your relationship.

Get dressed up and go out with a close female friend. Leave your partner at home with the kids, and stay out later than you usually would. Don’t freely offer information about where you’ve been or what you’ve been up to.

Come home late from work without bothering to give any explanations.

Start standing up for yourself in arguments or other incidents around the house. Don’t back down or give up too easily.

Act a little flirtatious with the men around you in your partner’s presence. Make sure this doesn’t get out of hand. Just give your partner a taste.

Start exercising, getting in shape, dressing well, and wearing makeup without telling your partner why you’re doing it.

Your partner might retaliate by doing something truly outrageous in order to drag you back into the position of giver you have been playing in the relationship.

For example, he might stay out all night without an explanation or tell you a bald-faced lie to try and get you to respond in ways he has grown to expect you will.

What’s more he will likely try and get information out of you about why you’re behaving the way you are, where you’ve been, and what you’ve been doing.

To pull this off you need to play a pretty careful balancing act. You don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt the relationship. You just want to act unpredictable enough to remind him what it would mean if he lost the person he’s in love with.

In general, good, healthy relationships are about a free exchange of information. You need to be able to share just about everything with one another to attain the ideal I opened this article with.

But in this case, you want to close down that opening to force your partner to take on some responsibility in the relationship and wake him up about what he would be missing if it were gone.

That means you should give him information, but make him drag it out of you. In the meantime don’t ask him ANYTHING about where he’s been or what he’s been up to. This will make it seem like you aren’t investing much in him or the relationship anymore.

Basically you’re playing a game here. It’s a game that’s built to bait your partner back into the relationship.

For the most part I am opposed to these kinds of games in relationships. It is not what a relationship should be built on.

But then “should” doesn’t have anything to do with it does it? You want to draw your partner back in to your relationship so you can make it wonderful again and this technique will help you do that.

Nevertheless, you have to remember that the game is just a temporary patch. As soon as your partner starts reinvesting in the relationship you need to give up the game all together if you’re going to make your relationship as wonderful as it can be.

Ideally the technique is built to make this happen. It should draw your partner back into the relationship and make him see what he would be missing if you weren’t there. It’s built to help you show him why he fell in love with you in the first place.

Use it in this spirit. Don’t start power tripping or manipulating your partner just because you can. Keep your focus on your goal to rebuild your marriage.

If your partner is going to make the change and move back toward you and your relationship it will usually happen within two weeks of starting this technique. If it doesn’t work in that time, it is less likely it will work at all.

You may feel like you’re acting the part of someone you aren’t. If you feel like a big fake while you’re trying this technique don’t worry about it. It’s perfectly normal to feel this way.

Remember, you’re doing this for your relationship. You get to drop the act as soon as your partner moves back toward the relationship.

Some people have a real problem doing this. They simply can’t bring themselves to act the part of someone they aren’t, or make their partner feel uncomfortable which is part of what happens when this technique is used properly.

That’s why I offer two solutions in this newsletter. The first technique is there in case you really can’t pull off the second.

But if you can manage it, this later technique is much more powerful and has far greater potential to save your relationship.

For more information on techniques like these and more information on how you can improve your marriage and save your relationship see the book I contributed to called Saving Your Marriage Made Remarkably Simple.

Good luck. I hope you can show the man you married why he loves you so much.

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2) Advice for Men: How to Keep Your Woman Happy

Here’s the thing. If you care about your wife and your relationship in the slightest, you won’t allow your relationship to get to a place where she feels like she has to save it on her own. There are simply no excuses for doing something doing like that and you know it.

So instead of wasting your time feeding yourself lines about how it’s the woman’s responsibility to take care of the relationship or how you don’t have the time to put anything else into it, you should be spending that energy showing her you care.

Yes, I know that sounds kind of cheesy. But it’s the truth.

So if you’re ready to admit to yourself that it’s your job to keep your woman happy, here’s how you do it.

Step 1: Spend Time with Her

Make sure you take the time to talk with your wife. When you come home from work, don’t just plop down on the sofa, crack open and beer, and flip on the tube. Take some time to tell your wife about your day and ask how hers was. Make sure she knows you care and are interested in her and your relationship.

Step 2: Be Romantic and Take Her Out on Dates

Romance seems to be a lost art these days. You want to know how to keep your woman happy?

Bring back the romance.

A lot of guys out there seem to think they “can’t” be romantic, or that they “don’t know how.”

To be honest, I don’t really believe this. Let me tell you why.

Romance is nothing more than showing your wife that she’s special to you. You don’t have to be Casanova to be romantic. Just be yourself and show her you care.

Take her out and show her a good time. Bring her flowers. Read her poetry. Take her out to a nice dinner and a show. Dress up and have FUN together.

After all, that’s how you fell in love isn’t it? Make it happen again.

Step 3: Take Care of Your Home

Finally, invest in your household and your responsibilities there. Don’t just assume your wife will take care of everything because that’s what wives do. You need to help take care of your home and your family as well.

Offer to take care of the kids so she can go out. Do some extra chores around the house from time to time. Talk with her about how she feels things work around the house.

Remember: don’t take your wife or your relationship for granted. People don’t always stick around, and you need to work on a marriage to make it work for you.

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3) Advice for Women: How to Keep Your Man Interested in You

I know you probably don’t want to have to resort to the kind of techniques I discuss in this letter. So I want to give you some advice that is similar to the advice I give for men above.

I would suggest that you do what you can to keep your husband attracted to you and involved in your relationship now, so you don’t have to try and save your relationship by yourself later.

Men are really suckers for a bit of mystery and sexiness. Don’t shy away from using these charms to keep your man interested in you and your relationship.

It’s all too easy to allow ourselves to fall into patterns that are routine, boring, and unappealing. Undoing some of that will go a long way to keep your man attracted to you.

From time to time dress up nice and make your husband feel welcome and warm the moment he walks through the door for no reason at all. Give him a warm hug and a seductive kiss just because he’s your man and you want to.

Make plans to go out and do special things you both enjoy. As I said to the men above, relationships are about fun. Make yours fun and you will find it much more interesting and fulfilling.

If you feel things cooling down in your relationship and your man drawing away, do something unexpected to spice things back up again. Everybody likes a little surprise from time to time. Make it an occasion to reconnect with your husband.

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4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: Does the Trust Ever Come Back After an Affair?

Now it’s your turn. I want to open up the channels of communication here so you can ask me questions too. Imagine you’re sitting across from me in my office and you could ask me anything you wanted. What would it be?

Here’s you chance to do just that. Go ahead and send me some of your questions by clicking on the link below. In every issue I will choose one or two questions to answer and if you’re chosen you may just get that burning question about your relationship answered.

For this issue I’m going to respond to a question that came up when I was doing research for my book How to Survive an Affair.

My husband recently had an affair, and I just don’t feel like I can trust him anymore. Will I ever get the trust back? Jane, P. Minnesota

Jane, it probably won’t come as a surprise to you that this is one of the most common questions that comes up for people who have suffered from an affair. When the person you trust most in the world betrays that trust, not only is it totally emotionally devastating, but it makes it impossible to trust him for a long time.

In some cases, people who have suffered from affairs have trust issues that run so deep, they don’t even trust other people they care for in their lives, or themselves anymore. This is just one of the tragic consequences an affair causes.

But trust can come back in time if both of the people in the relationship are committed to rebuilding what the affair has destroyed. It will take time, but the trust can come back.

There are specific techniques you can learn to regain trust. However, teaching you those techniques is beyond the scope of this particular letter. I may pick it up as a topic for a future newsletter. In the meantime it’s an issue I address fully in my book How to Survive an Affair.

However, to answer the question at hand: Yes, the trust can come back. But it will take a commitment from both of you to make that happen.