After so many hurtful lies you have not only lost your trust in your spouse, but you have grown distant from him or her. You’ve drifted apart. You no longer share how you used to, and you don’t trust anything your spouse shares with you. The intimacy is disappearing, and you don’t know how to reconnect.

One of the sad things about losing trust is that so many other beautiful aspects of your marriage go with it: Your feelings of connection and togetherness, your ability to open up and express your feelings with your spouse, and your hope and belief that he or she will do the same with you.

You have lived in an environment of deceit. Your trust has been violated. You have been lied to and you need to find a way to trust your partner again. If you don’t, you are afraid it may mean the end of your marriage.

And you’re right. It may. It is essentially impossible to have an intimate, trusting marriage when your spouse lies to you. If the lies don’t stop, your marriage could be in danger of collapse.

When one spouse lies to another the result isn’t only a feeling of betrayal. Lying is a deliberate attempt at avoiding authentic communication and as a result you have likely closed up to protect yourself from the hurt of future lies.

Do you want to know one way affairs often happen? Let me tell you a story…

John and Shirley were friends with Tom and Debbie. Debbie, Tom’s wife, worked in the same office building as John, so they often went out to lunch together.

These lunch meetings weren’t secret. Shirley and Tom both knew about them. In fact, no one thought much of it, because they were all such good friends and the situation seemed “safe.”

One day Debbie met John for lunch in tears. She and Tom were having problems in their marriage. To try and console her, John gave Debbie a hug. The hug went on a few moments too long and Debbie and John both felt a spark.

Have you been truly honest with your spouse?

Has your spouse been truly honest with you?

If you have suffered from an affair or some other breach of trust (and you are being honest with yourself), you will likely answer “no” to at least one of these questions.

The reason is fairly obvious, yet it bears mentioning: When trust is broken in a marriage, it means that at least one spouse has been dishonest.

One of the keys to a successful marriage and building trust is the free and open exchange of information or being open and honest with each other.

When the lines of communication are tampered with or closed down by lies and deceit, it sets off a chain reaction in which the person being lied to closes down to protect him or her self from future lies.

“I can’t trust my spouse at all any more. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust him again.”

Does this reflect a feeling you live with day in and day out right now? Has your spouse betrayed your trust on such a deep level that you question whether or not you will ever be able to trust him or her again?

If you have suffered through an affair, I would be surprised if you don’t experience this at least some of the time.

When you find out that your spouse broke your marital vows and went outside your marriage, the betrayal you experience runs so deep that it shakes the very foundations of your relationship.

How could I have been so blind?

I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming.

How could I have been so totally deceived?

If only I would have figured out what was going on before, maybe I would have been able to stop the affair before it started.

Ultimately, none of us can control the actions of another person. There is no way to be 100 % certain that your spouse won’t cheat on you, because you can’t control his or her actions.

However, there are often signs that someone is having an affair, is on the verge of having one, or is considering one. If you identify these signs early enough and discuss your concerns with your spouse in advance, you may be able to help strengthen the marriage commitment so your partner will reconsider or stop the affair or potential affair.

Stopping an Affair Before it Starts: Part 2

Today I want to continue my discussion about killing an affair before it starts. Then, the second part of my email will revolve around the healthy way to tell your spouse about encounters with someone of the opposite sex.

Knowing how to do this will not only protect your marriage from danger, but also help build up your marriage and rebuild trust. Those are two very good things.

Okay, on to today’s subject.

Nobody wants to experience the pain and betrayal an affair causes. No one wants to face that horrific moment where your sense of safety and peace is shattered because you learn the awful truth that your spouse cheated on you.

What would you do if you had a crystal ball and you could foresee your spouse having an affair 3 months from now?

Imagine what it would feel like to know your spouse cheated. Maybe you don’t have to imagine… maybe it’s already happened. If so, I am truly sorry.

Once you’ve experienced an affair, you’ve walked through a one-way door you can never go back through again.

No matter how much you wish the affair never happened, no matter how much you want your relationship to “go back to the way it was,” that can never happen.

None of us can undo the past. Whether you’re the cheater or the injured person, the affair is a reality you are going to have to live with from now on. That’s true whether you decide to repair your marriage or not. The affair is never going to go away.

Three months ago I sent an email out to those who purchased my program, How to Survive An Affair, looking for real life success stories.

Last month I sent you the story of Julie and Jerry Hamnernick. After received literally hundreds of emails from those of you who were touched, I wanted to send you another powerful story.

This story comes from Arden and Nancy Fox. With the help of my editor Spencer, we were able to capture their story. It’s a little long, but it’s full of details that I know many of you will relate to.

Here is their story:

Arden and Nancy Fox.

“It started out as a job. Arden was doing construction work at Niki’s house. She has a store in her home, and Arden was remodeling the house to make it into a store. I knew this woman from church, we were acquaintances. I knew she was married. I also knew she had some problems. But I never realized how serious the problems would become.”

You want to forgive your spouse. You probably want it more than anything in the world. You want to take the steps necessary so you can move past the awful pain you have endured and toward a relationship that is happy and full of love once more.

Perhaps you’ve even done some work on your relationship so you can move to that point. Maybe you have started down the path of acceptance and you are ready to move on with your marriage, but there is one thing still holding you back.

You’re terrified that your spouse might betray you again.

How can you forgive your spouse when the horrifying possibility exists that he or she will do it again?