It's Dr. Gunzburg again. An affair can completely shatter your
self-esteem. When the person that you love and trust most
in the world throws away your relationship and breaks your
marital vow, it can make you feel as though you are lower than
low; someone your partner is willing to simply throw away
at a whim.

These terrible feelings can be reinforced by the idea that there is
someone out there who is providing your spouse something
you can’t seem to offer.

What I see all too often in marriages where an affair has occurred
is that the injured partner gets demonized, while the paramour
is given a halo. In some cases, the cheating partner creates this
situation. In some case, the injured partner builds up this idea in
his or her own mind.

In either case, the result is the same: The injured person is left
feeling her self-esteem crumble.

In this newsletter, I want to explore how this process happens,
and teach you a truth that will help you rebuild your self-esteem
while reinforcing the reality that the affair wasn’t about you.

Before we get into the main article, I wanted to mention that
I was touched by the outpouring of support while I was ill.
Your kind wishes meant a lot to me while I was in the hospital,
and I won’t forget them.

I am recovering now, and it looks like the problem won’t be
chronic, which is truly a blessing.

Thank you again for your kind thoughts and warm wishes. I hope
I can repay them with the information I have been sharing with you.

===============================================
September 19, 2006 Issue # 11

What's Inside:
1) Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem after an Affair
2) Advice for Men: She Might Say Anything to Hurt You
3) Advice for Women: It’s Not Because She’s More Beautiful
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg:
5) What’s Going on in Your Relationship

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1) Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem after an Affair
Frank Gunzburg, PhD

One of the most devastating aspects of an affair is the effect it
has on your self-esteem. When you find out that your partner has
broken your marital vow and cheated on you, the effects this can
have to your sense of self-worth are tremendous.

It can make you feel as though you are the most worthless person
on the face of the planet. You must be, right? After all, your spouse
would never have thrown away your relationship if you weren’t
such a terrible person. Isn’t that true?

Let me give you a very short answer to that question: No it’s not.

No person is perfect. No relationship is perfect. You aren’t
perfect either. But that doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person,
and it doesn’t mean that the affair is somehow your fault.

Every relationship has bad times. Every married couple has
arguments. When you got married you made a vow. You vowed
that no matter how bad things got, whether you started arguing
every day or didn’t have sex for months, that you had a lot of
options.

You have the option to move out of the house, to go to your sister’s,
your mother’s, or your best friend’s home. You have the option
to talk to a clergyman, a therapist, or call a hotline. You have the
option to yell back, complain, or act passive-aggressive. You have
the option to buy a self-help book and see if you can work out your
problems that way.

You even have the option to get a divorce.

Out of the multitude of options you have, there is one that you gave
up when you got married. You gave up the option to have an affair.

By having an affair, your partner has showed that he or she has a
character problem. This broken promise is a reflection of a
“hole” in your partner’s character.

There may be any number of reasons this weakness of character
exists. Perhaps your partner has a difficult time keeping promises.
Perhaps he or she can’t accept the reality that people and
relationships aren’t perfect. Or perhaps he or she has an
unresolved childhood issue regarding trust or integrity.

Whatever the reason, it is this “leak” in your partner’s character
that caused the affair. Not you.

So the first thing you need to realize is this one simple truth:

The affair was not your fault.

If your marriage wasn’t doing so well before the affair, you
probably contributed to the problems in your marriage. It may
be that you, or both of you, dropped the passion
in your relationship. Perhaps you got to a point where
all you ever thought about was taking care of the kids and
going to work, or, perhapsthe two of you were yelling at each
other a lot or not having sex for months on end.

Even if you both agree that your marriage was doing well before
the affair (this happens too), you are both going to have to work
on your relationship to make it better than ever so you can protect
it from future problems.

So it’s true, you are responsible for the future of your marriage.

Even so, there is one thing you should be clear on. The
affair wasn’t your fault. The choice to cheat resides with one
person and one person alone—the cheater. It is the
cheater’s fault that the affair occurred, not yours.

Now that I have made that clear, I want to address a typical
scenario that occurs in many affairs which deepens the sense of
worthlessness the injured person carries.

Keep in mind, this doesn’t happen with every affair, and I
won’t be able to cover every different situation in this letter.
However, the following scenario happens so commonly
it’s definitely worth addressing here.

The injured person is demonized while the paramour is
given a halo to wear.

I want to look at how this happens, explore the effects this
has on the injured person’s self-esteem, and help you understand
how you can reverse these effects.

Demonizing the Injured Partner: A Cheater’s Way to
Excuse an Affair

One way the cheater demonizes the injured partner is by
developing a litany of complaints against him or her..
The list could be in his own mind, told to other people, or
used as ammunition against the injured partner, herself.

Basically the process here is simple. The cheater starts thinking of
the injured person in a black-or-white way. Rather than accepting
the reality that everyone is made up of a multitude of good and
bad pieces, the cheating partner starts to notice only
the bad pieces of the person he or she is married to.

In essence, the cheater focuses on everything his partner isn’t.
Ignoring the good sides of his spouse, a cheater makes it seem
as though his partner is “all bad.”

Once this happens, it makes it that much easier for someone to
come in and hook up with the cheater. If the cheater is talking
with a married person, all the cheater has to do is
demonize his or her spouse to the potential paramour, and they
immediately have a strong common bond.

At the same time, the cheater usually looks at the paramour in this
same black-or-white way. As you might be able to guess, in
situations like this, it’s very easy for the paramour to become
the “haloed” partner in the mind of the cheater. Let’s look
at an example of how this happens.

Let’s say that Carol has some problems in her relationship that
she’s really frustrated with. Namely, she has become disgusted that
her husband is “never thoughtful.” She tells herself things like,
“He never has time to spend with me,” “He never talks to me,”
and, “He never expresses an interest in the kids.”

This is the only thing Carol can focus on in her relationship.
Every thought she has of her husband is dominated by this sense
that he is less than thoughtful.

One day, she’s talking with her friend, George, who’s having
problems with his wife. He makes similar complaints
about his wife, and now Carol and George have something in
common.

Suddenly George starts being super-thoughtful to Carol. He calls
her at the office to see how she’s doing, he sends her flowers to
let her know he’s thinking of her, he even stops by at lunch to
pick her up from work every once in a while.

Eventually, they have an affair. All Carol can see is that her husband
has been completely thoughtless, and George is a super thoughtful
guy. Her husband is the demon, and George is wearing a halo.

When Carol’s husband finds out about the affair, his self-esteem is
destroyed. Not only did his wife cheat on him, but he’s being
forced to compete with someone who seems like the perfect man.
How could he possibly match up?

You may find yourself in a similar situation right now. Perhaps
you feel you are being forced to compete with a fantasy personality:
Someone who doesn’t have to share finances, responsibilities,
children, in-laws, laundry, carpools, and house chores; and who
therefore has the time to just focus on your spouse in a “wonderful”
way. As a result you just don’t feel like you’re good enough
to match up. Hence your sense of self-worth is damaged that
much further.

If this is the case for you, let me remind you of something: No one
wears a halo. No one is a perfect person. The fantasy that your
partner has built up around his or her paramour is just that—a
fantasy. Let’s look a little further at Carol’s situation above
to clarify this truth.

In the example with Carol, she doesn’t even know George.
She might feel as if she knows him better than she
has ever known anyone in her life. However, she’s
never had to live with him. He might be a complete mess in
other parts of his personality. Maybe he has an explosive temper
that won’t show up early in the affair. Maybe he’s demeaning
and unreasonable. In fact he may be anything at all. Carol doesn’t
really know.

What she does know is that he’s thoughtful to her, and that’s the one
thing she’s been missing in her husband. So she puts a halo on
George and assumes that this thoughtfulness is a reflection of
every part of his personality.

She starts thinking of him as a wonderful man. She imagines him
to be kind, thoughtful, gentle, attentive, and so on. But of course
he may not be all those things. He may not be any of them if she
were the one living with him. She’s living a fantasy.

What’s more, she’s never had to handle real life with George. She’s
never had to handle bills, children, or in-laws. She’s never had to
go with him to social engagements. She’s never had to deal with
all of the things that go along with making a marriage work.

Which only makes it that much easier for her to make George
into her dream man. She’s having a relationship with a fantasy.
In reality she has no idea who George is.

In truth he almost certainly doesn’t wear the halo she has put
on him in real life. No one does.

This whole process is sometimes taken a step further by the cheater.
The cheating partner may rewrite history to match the demonized
image she now has of her spouse. This process is so subtle that
the cheating partner won’t even know she’s doing it and will
believe with strong conviction that her memories are the correct
ones. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t.

For example, Carol might focus exclusively on the times her
husband wasn’t thoughtful and “forget” the times that he was.
She blots out parts of her recollection of the past, hence
changing her perception of their history together.

Another example is a cheating partner who says something like,
“I never loved you. Even on the day of our marriage I remember
telling myself this was what I had to do out of a sense of duty. I was
afraid you would fall apart if I left.”

When you hear things like this, you can be almost certain your
partner is rewriting the past. Statements like these are unlikely
to be true memories.

The problem is that the injured partner often buys into
this demonized vision of herself. She starts to accept the
cheater’s rewritten version of history. As a consequence, she suffers
a terrible blow to her sense of self worth.

In some cases, the cheater never even says these things to the injured
partner. The injured person just takes on this terrible mantle on her own,
assuming that she must be a horrible person for her partner to
have cheated in the first place.

The irony is that it has nothing to do with the injured person whatsoever!
You’re competing with a fantasy. And no one can compete with a
fantasy. None of us is perfect. We’re all real people with real flaws.

What you need to do is keep in mind that the cheater is demonizing
you. Your partner is living in a fantasy world and may very well be
rewriting history to match that fantasy.

Don’t take on the burden of an affair that isn’t your fault. Instead,
I recommend you remind yourself of these three truths when you
are struggling with feelings of worthlessness after you learn about
an affair:

1. Your partner cheated based on a character flaw. It is the cheater’s
responsibility that the affair happened.

2. Your partner may be rewriting history based on his or her need to
justify his or her position regarding you and your marriage.

3. Your partner has an investment in putting a halo around his or
her paramour while demonizing you.

If you keep these three things in mind, it will help you realize
that the affair isn’t about you, that it isn’t your fault it happened,
that you aren’t a horrible person, and that you don’t have to suffer
with feelings of worthlessness after an affair.

In some cases it may take more than this to heal your injured
self-esteem after an affair. In that event I refer you to my book
How to Survive and Affair (www.surviveanaffair.com/?i=235) where I treat this issue more fully.

In the meantime, keeping these truths in mind should help you
begin to repair your damaged sense of self-worth.

===============================================
2) Advice for Men: She Might Say Anything to Hurt You

If your partner is really hurt and got involved in an affair out of
anger, she might say anything if she thinks it will hurt your
feelings.

For example, she might tell you that the length or width of the guy’s
penis is bigger than yours. She might say that he was able to “last
longer” than you ever could. She might even say that she never had an
orgasm with you, and that she had many, multiple orgasms with him.

Keep in mind, these are things said in anger. You will have no way
of knowing in the present, and you might never know, if her statements
are accurate or just intended to be hurtful.

If you have had problems with coming too quickly in the past,
this is usually easily treated by a professional. Some men can
overcome this using self-help instruction.

What’s more, it’s not what you’ve got, it’s how you use it. You can
learn sexual skills if you choose to, and be a better lover for it.

Don’t let statements like this drive down your self-esteem. They
are usually said in anger. And if you know there is a kernel of truth
in her critique of your performance, you can fix the problem.
Sexual behavior is learnable. You can change and make your sex
life better than ever.

===============================================
3) Advice for Women: It’s Not Because She’s More Beautiful

There are times when a man has an affair with someone who is
particularly beautiful. That does happen. Quite often, however,
I have seen a man have an affair with someone who isn’t all that
attractive. In fact, in many cases his wife is much more
attractive than the paramour.

Your partner isn’t having an affair because the woman is more
beautiful than you. He’s making a statement. It’s not about the
paramour. She may be sexually appealing or even convenient, but
it’s usually not about her.

Some men are really specific and say, “The sex wasn’t all that great with
her. Sure, she was beautiful. But the sex wasn’t all that. I did it for
other reasons.”

Your spouse didn’t have an affair because the paramour is more
beautiful than you. He did it for all of the reasons outlined in this
newsletter. So don’t get stuck in the idea that she must be some
gorgeous knock out. She probably isn’t. And even if she is, that’s
probably not why he’s doing it anyway.

===============================================
4) Ask Dr. Gunzburg: TITLE

This month’s question comes from Darren G. in the United
Kingdom, and it’s a reflection of how bad things can really
get in situations where there has been an affair. Darren writes:

Can you learn to trust again and rebuild a relationship that
has seen two physical affairs and emotional affairs with three
different people in the past five years?

The result has been a loss of self esteem and self-confidence,
and the feeling that I have been completely emotionally destroyed.
I feel like I have been manipulated for more than five years.

Is it possible to repair this sort of damage?

Darren, it’s clear from your question that you are emotionally
distraught. Your situation isn’t an easy one. I hope that this
newsletter and the other materials I have provided have helped
you overcome some of the pain and loss of self-esteem you
have been suffering from.

Your question is complicated, so let me start by answering it in a
simple way first, then I will move on to a more detailed exploration
of the issues at hand.

Is it possible to repair the kind of damage you talk about, learn to
trust again, and rebuild your marriage? Yes. It is. But it means
that you and your partner must both be seriously engaged in the
process of overcoming these difficulties. It isn’t an easy road,
but it can be done if you are both truly committed to it.

Having said that, it seems to me there are basically two things
you need to assess.

1. Considering her multiple affairs, how serious is your partner
about achieving this goal?

2. Considering your multiple let-downs—you have been betrayed—
over and over, do you wish to continue doing the work necessary to
repair your relationship?

If your partner has cheated on you multiple times in the last five
years, it is possible she could change. However, every breach of
trust reduces the probability. Every additional affair she engages in
will make it that much harder for you to rebuild your relationship.

If you have felt lied to and manipulated over and over again and
you aren’t convinced that your partner is sincere about change, it
might be time to consider your alternatives.

I always encourage people to get their relationship to the best place
it can be before deciding whether or not to leave it behind. But there
comes a time when you have to make a decision about whether or
not pursuing this relationship is in your best interest.

Only you can decide whether or not that’s the case for you. No one
else can. Could you overcome the pain you have been in? Yes. You
can. And you can do this with your partner (if she is truly willing
to change), or you can do it without her if she isn’t.

But the question you have to work with first is whether or not you
are interested in continuing in your attempts to rebuild your
relationship.

If you believe your partner is fully invested in trying to make it
work this time your answer may be “yes.” If she isn’t, the answer
may be “no.”

The real question you have to ask yourself right now is what
you’re going to do next. And there is only one person who has
to live with all the consequences of that decision, and that’s you.

I truly wish you my best and hope you are able to work out the
answer to that question in a way that offers you hope and peace
of mind.

Click here to ask your question and I'll do my best to answer it
in the next issue:
http://www.surveymk.com/s.asp?u=461621459209

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5) What’s Going on in Your Relationship

Click here to answer the question above.

In last month’s newsletter I asked you to rate your sense of
self-esteem and your marriage on a 1–5 scale.

Here is how you rated your sense of self-worth:

9.7% of you said that you feel worthless most of the time.
35.7% said you feel low on a regular basis.
9.7% said you don’t have strong feelings (good or bad) about your
self-worth.
39% of you said you feel that you are a worthwhile person.
5.8% of you said you feel on top of the world about yourself most
of the time.

Here is how you rated your marriage:

23.4% said it was bad most of the time.
20.1% said it was bad somewhat regularly.
28.6% rated it as not good and not bad.
18.8% rated their marriage as good somewhat regularly.
9.1% said it was good most of the time.

Based on these results, many of you are suffering with low
self-esteem. And while there is no way to make a definite
correlation, I am guessing that this is connected with problems
in your relationship.

My hope is that the information in this newsletter helps. But
there is more work to be done. If you are suffering with a
low self-esteem due to problems in your marriage, or you have
rated your marriage as anything less that “good most of the time”
You might consider which of my books is most appropriate for
you to begin with, and then work the programs laid out there to help
you turn your relationship into a positive experience.

In the meantime, I would like to ask you the following
question for next month’s newsletter:

On a scale of 1–5 how affectionate do you think your partner is:

1–Not affectionate at all
2–Somewhat affectionate
3–A perfect balance of affection
4–A little too affectionate
5–Totally over the top in an annoying way

Click her to answer the question above:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=208752603199

Until Next Time,

Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

P.S. In the next newsletter I will focus on the importance of
affection. I will discuss why it’s important to be affectionate
with your spouse, how important are the words “I love you,”
problems with affection after an affair, and how you
can start being more affectionate with your partner today.

===============================================
About the Author: Dr. Frank Gunzburg Ph.D., P.A.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg, PhD, is a full time marriage and family counselor
in Baltimore, Maryland who has helped couples heal
their relationships since 1975. He does telephone counseling
with people in other parts of the country.

To set up counseling sessions call toll-free at: 888-499-0500.

He is also the author of
How to Survive An Affair (www.surviveanaffair.com/?i=235),
and contributor to Saving Your Marriage Made Remarkably Simple
(www.savemymarriagenow.com/?i=234)

1121 C Military Cutoff Rd # 359
Wilmington NC 28405
For any concerns other than counseling call: 800-251-7050
support@surviveanaffair.com
===============================================