G:
wow....you are going through a lot. I am really sorry to hear how difficult it has/continues to be. You certainly have a lot to deal with. Have you told anyone or do you have any support? Is she even remorseful? When I first caught my spouse and asked why, he responded by saying: I figured you'd be pissed but figured all you would do is "smack my hand" and tell me to quit. Talk about rationalization.

My spouse was also involved in the email thing and swears that there was never any contact. I am not so sure about that but what can I do? I do know he went to lunch with one of these women but he says he got so nervous he left without eating. This one continued to try to keep in touch with him until the day I answered the phone. I wasn't very nice, lot of name calling and told her that if they had any more contact I would ruin the both of them financially, publically, personally, etc. She was crying by the time I hung up. He did send a second text and told her to never contact him again because "bad things would certainly happen". Of course she is only one of so many I have no idea how many there actually were. I am hopeful that he has finally told me the truth about everything. How do we know? I don't think we can.

I think your paranoia is very understandable. I sorta think that we search for proof, not just to "catch them doing something wrong" but to also "prove they aren't continuing contact". I am always very nervous while looking but relieved when I don't find anything (if I don't!).

I sometimes think I am blowing some of this out of proportion and would appreciate some input if you wouldn't mind giving it to me, from a man's perspective. Let me know if you are willing and I'll ask.

You obviously really love your wife or you wouldn't hurt so much. That is why you stay. I really doubt that you stay because you need closure. You could get that by leaving. I will say, based upon my experience, leaving is scary, maybe more scary than staying (for me at least). It is very easy for outsiders to tell us what to do but until they walk the walk, they aren't expert enough to talk the talk. I have found the survival book to be helpful, although at times, I find myself angry about some things in it.

I certainly understand not wanting to work. I, too, am self employeed. The first week, I couldn't even go out of the house. It was hard to even get dressed and out of bed. I am able to work now but there are days when I just muddle though, unproductively. There are also times that I can't stand to be in the office and start obsessing and wanting to go through everything to see if anyone is pulling a fast one on me. Are you able to actually get anything done?

I bet you are not sleeping or eating well either. I know we should take care of ourselves first so that we heal more quickly but I don't even have the energy to do that.

Good luck till next time.

C