Last July 4th, my wife of 21 years discovered that I'd been having a sexual relationship with a woman I'd met is AA (alcoholics anonymous). This relationship had gone on for about a year and a half, and was over by the time my wife found out.

My wife, I'll call her Sara, had long suspected my infidelity, but found no proof. It was not until the other woman ended our fling that I got sloppy with the internet dating sights and gave myself away. You see, I was desperate, and like an addict whose heroin ran out, I simply HAD TO FIND ANOTHER; and quickly so I could get a "fix" while Sara was on vacation. Well as it happened, I guess God was looking out for me that night, because after a near miss with a black sedan running a stoplight, I went back home and stayed in. A few days later when Sara was home and I was at work, she discovered my profile on the dating sight.

I knew I'd been caught and I didn't even try to deny it. Sara was devestated. She had all the classic questions, who is she, where did you meet her, do you love her, and so on. I blamed her at first, claiming she wasn't "there for me". I called her names, I pushed her around, I even hit her. I deserved to go to f*&kin jail, and I know it, but Sara did not call the police or press any charges. She could have; she had the right, but she didn't because she loves me. That July 4th was really an "Independance Day" for me, and I'm going to tell you why....

Since puberty began for me at about eight, I've been addicted to masturbation. I tried everything to get it under control, until I finally gave in and accepted that it must be normal, and everybody must be doing it. Later, I discovered porn and of course that enhanced the sexual gratification I got from masturbating. As porn evolved with the internet from still pictures into high quality videos my habit became more and more like an addiction. My first wife and I had an "arrangement" which permitted us both to continue seeing and sleeping with other people, so long as we always came home to each other. Eventually she stopped coming home, and I left her in 1987. By the way, this behavior hardly put a dent in my habit. I still masturbated three or more times per week. Usualy with full knowledge of my wife. After a year or two of one night stands I met Sara, and after about a year I moved into her home. We married a few years later. At first the sex was phenominal. I began to think we might be hurting ourselves, or that she was certainly "acting"; trying to impress me, but no, it was real.

Of course, as one would expect after a few years this died down, but the masturbation remained strong. When we reached our 40s, and I started working nights, sex got more and more routine until it really seemed to me that she was no longer in love with me, or at least no longer interested in sex. At 48 I finally quit the booze, and joined AA. This is where I met Susan, the other woman. Up until this point, I had been completely faithful to my wife. Well, there had been no other woman; only porn and masturbation, but NOW without the medication provided by alcohol, I started feeling really bad about having a beautiful wife, and still having to masturbate. I began to resent her more and more. We had conversations; I hinted that I was feeling neglected, but I must have never made it realy clear to my wife that I needed her, that I was suffering.

When I met Susan, and she looked at me the way she did, it was overpowering. I just had to have her...I had already been looking, I had a few internet pen pals I was writing to, but nothing ever came of it. Then one day I just decided that Susan would be the one. After all, I already knew her, I knew she was interested in me, and I felt I could trust her, that she wouldn't start calling my house or showing up at my job. So I invited her to another meeting I knew of and we began the friendship that became an affair. I was terrified at first, and I even called it off after spending a few afternoons in her bed. She cried a little, which did wonders for my ego, but I still saw her at meetings and soon rationalized that my wife doesn't want me, so it would be ok to resume the relationship. So we did. It was never about age or beauty. My wife is a little older, but vastly more attractive than Susan was. In fact, Susan was downright plain looking, but she had that look that made me feel wanted. My wife mede me feel like she was doing me a favor. Of course, that's not the way she felt. It's the way I perceived it because of my porn-tainted views on love, sex, and women.

That July 4th was MY Independance Day because on that day, I began the journey to freedom from the bonds of masturbation and porn. I've been free of both since about August 1st of last year when I joined SLAA; that's Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Now, I feel like a king. My wife and I are in therapy, and we're working on saving our marriage. The problem is my wife is still in a lot of pain. It may take years for her to get the images of this other woman out of her head. We have a long way to go, but SLAA and Dr. Gunzburg's books and now this blog will be helping us.

Thanks for letting me share.