“I’m just not romantic. That’s all there is to it. It’s not who I am. What do you want out of me?”

You have no idea how many people (especially men) come into my office and say something like this.

These people portray themselves as handicapped when it comes to romance. They say they aren’t naturally good at being romantic, so they give up trying. As a result their skills in romance never improve.

Often, I find they have skills they don’t use anymore. In either case, if you say you are not romantic, you’re giving an excuse for not trying.

Which is too bad for at least two reasons.

When You First Learn about an Affair

When you first learn about an affair, it is completely devastating. I have head clients refer to it as “a sickening cocktail of anger, grief, frustration, and a total loss of self-esteem.”

You may feel that you’re world is being totally ripped apart, as though a hurricane made it’s way through your home and your relationship and has left you holding the tattered remains of your life.

What you need in a situation like this is some emergency intervention.

Obviously, healing from an affair takes time, dedication from both spouses, and a lot of hard work. You can heal from an affair, but it means making an investment and spending the time you need to heal.

Talking about an Affair

One of the hardest parts of recovering from an affair is talking about the affair itself. Obviously conversations of this nature are bound to be extremely emotionally loaded. Having some guidelines for dealing with these discussions is helpful, and that’s what this article will focus on.

However, there is another issue I would like to address before I get to the guidelines themselves. The first thing we need to discuss here is whether or not it’s necessary to talk about the affair in the first place.

A lot of people out there are absolutely convinced that they have to talk about the affair before they can heal. But I have found that isn’t universally the case.

Do you and your spouse argue all the time? Has the emotional atmosphere in your marriage become so charged that every little spat turns into an all-out battle?

If so, there is a technique I want to share with you that may very well save your relationship.

Conflict is inevitable in marriage. When two people come together who have different thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes, and expectations disagreements are bound to occur.

The two of you are going to disagree, and sometimes these disagreements will be heated enough to turn into arguments. That’s to be expected. It’s a perfectly natural part of most marriages.

How may times has a simple mistake landed you in a raging argument with your spouse?

The cap left off the toothpaste is the classic example that pops readily to mind. I know it sounds cliché, but you would be shocked at how many people I have seen who have gotten into enormous arguments over problems this insignificant.

I have found that many married couples who are having problems find it difficult to let go of the small stuff. A phone left off the charger, the toilet seat left up in the middle of the night, or a few dishes left in the sink cause explosive arguments that push couples farther apart.

The Importance of Apologizing

There are two little words that can go a long way to saving your marriage and keeping it healthy and happy for years to come. Those words are: “I’m sorry.”

I can’t tell you how many couples I have seen that have a problem with apologizing. People often get so caught up in their own way of seeing things that they can’t even muster an apology for simple offenses like leaving the cap off the toothpaste or forgetting to take out the garbage.

Unfortunately it seems that apologizing only becomes that much more difficult as problems get more sophisticated. A forgotten birthday or anniversary, hurtful words said in the heat of an argument, or a late night out with friends when you promised to be home for your family are all events that deserve a full and authentic apology. However, a lot of people react with defensiveness and anger instead of apologizing for situations like these.

It may be that the most important skill you can learn to save your marriage is communication. Of course everyone has heard that you have to talk with your spouse to make your marriage work.

That’s true. But what I am talking about here is deeper than that. Let me explain.

There are many different forms of communication in a marriage. Some of them are verbal. Some of them are nonverbal.

Some examples of verbal communication include joking with one another, talking about unimportant things in your life, sending one another emails or notes, leaving phone messages for your spouse, or talking about your daily chores like who is going to pick up the kids, who is going to cook dinner, and what time each of you will be home from work.

When marriages suffer, there is one problem cropping up
over and over again. It’s a problem that many people fail
to address, and it’s one that often ends up destroying the
marriage. The problem is simply this:

A lack of fun.

Having fun with your partner is one of the most important
aspects of your relationship. Dating and having a good time
is what brought you together in the first place. If you’re
wondering why your relationship isn’t full of the passion
and joy you used to have, it may very well be that you have
let the fun die.

And when the fun dies, the entire relationship often goes

I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance of honesty in
marriages recently. This is probably because so many of you
have been writing to me asking how you can rebuild the
honesty in your marriage. I know many of you out there
are hurting right now because your spouse, the person you
care most about in the world, has deceived you.

If you have been lied to by your partner, you probably feel
devastated. You may be struggling with feelings like anger,
sadness, grief, depression, and even a diminished sense of
self-esteem.

Another common feeling for people that have been lied to

Last week, I posted my first blog on honesty and the number
of emails and responses I received was astounding.

Frequently I receive many questions regarding rebuilding trust,
but lately I've been hearing a lot about honesty. Obviously the
two go hand in hand, but without honesty you cannot build trust.

Right?

And that is why I've been writing a lot about the subject lately.
As a matter of fact for the last 4-5 months.

However, before I tell you about the that, let me ask you
something.

Do you ever ask yourself these questions?