Understanding Your Spouse
How to Understand What Your Spouse is Thinking
“I don’t know why Ed doesn’t get it,” Nancy complained to Karen. “I simply don’t know where he is coming from! I try to explain my thoughts and feelings to him and it is like he is living in a different world!!”
As Karen intently listened, Nancy continued. “I am worried about him not caring about us anymore. Maybe there’s another woman. Maybe I just don’t get it. I don’t understand, I am totally confused, Karen!!”
Karen thought for a moment and replied, “Everything may be different for Ed than it is for you. His world is different, everybody’s is. Jerry and I had a similar problem until we took the time to listen to one another. Then I was able to see how he felt from his point of view. I am wondering if you are aware of how Ed sees things.”
Are you experiencing a problem similar to Nancy’s?
Karen is on to something. A couple may share their home, their lives, and their love. But they do not share everything and they experience their worlds in different ways. It is important to understand these differences to foster a healthy marriage.
The Truth is Hard to Come By
The truth is a moving target and depends on whom you ask and how that person feels about it. The truth varies as the experience varies.
The only person that can judge the truth of their experience is the person whose truth it is.
It is important to understand your partner’s reality and perspective as he or she has experienced it. Being human, you cannot truly determine if your understanding is correct or not, but you should put forth an effort to do so. A person must accept the limitations they have concerning the extent of understanding someone else. You need to allow that you may be misinterpreting what your partner tells you.
When there are problems and conflicts in a marriage, most couples get into trouble when they try to establish what is the truth. There is no way to know what the truth is unless you have the actual video tape. Even if you were reviewing the actual tape, you could still disagree about what happened. You could each just focus on different aspects of the experience to create differing opinions.
If there is an incident involving you and your spouse that later leads to an argument, you each have your own perspective about what happened. You want your spouse to agree with your view of what happened. If you are like most couples, you get into an argument trying to convince the other about the truth, when in reality there is no single truth.
If you want to learn how to start understanding each other, here are some guidelines.
Techniques for Understanding Your Spouse
If you have been reading my posts, you already know how important it is for you to move from being adversaries to being friends. Most couples can’t just turn a switch and start acting as friends. I suggest you plan how you can be a best friend to your spouse, and practice thinking of your spouse as a best friend at times when there is no conflict.
Whether together or apart, you should practice thinking of your spouse as a friend when you are not arguing. You want to be conditioned to thinking “friend” when you imagine your spouse so that the thought becomes an attitude. Then, when there is a potentially contentious situation, it can be diffused, as you will be thinking as a “friend”.
Here are some guidelines to better understand your spouse:
Guideline 1: Listen like a friend. Set aside the idea of the truth as you see it and listen to understand your spouse’s experience. You probably won’t like your partner’s view. You don’t have to agree with it, but it is important that you understand it thoroughly and completely as best that you can.
Guideline 2: Demonstrate your understanding of your spouse’s truth by explaining it out loud. Your explanation should sound good to your spouse.
Guideline 3: When you speak about emotionally laden topics, keep your points short. When emotions are aroused, there is a general human tendency for the listener’s memory span to become shortened and to remember mainly the latter part of what is said.
Guideline 4: Speak your partner’s language when possible. When you are the listener, use your partner’s words and ideas as you explain your understanding of what was just conveyed. If you use a term that your spouse doesn’t agree with, you should be ready to throw your word away and try again to use a word that fits your partner’s experience.
Guideline 5: Express a sincere interest in learning your spouse’s perspective. If your spouse thinks you have a history of not listening or not understanding, you could explain you are trying a new approach, and ask for another chance.
Guideline 6: Even if you think you know exactly what your partner is saying, explain your understanding of what was said. Listen carefully for any problems with your understanding. Continue to check with your spouse, “Is that right?” so your spouse has the opportunity to decide if your understanding is complete or not.
Guideline 7: Some cautions:
• Refrain from saying, “I understand.” If you really understand, prove it by explaining back.
• Keep your interruptions to a minimum when your spouse is speaking.
• Watch your non-verbal messages and don’t roll your eyes or scowl.
• Avoid interrogation sessions.
• When you are talking about “feelings” you should not end up with an accusation. An example would be, “I feel that you don’t do enough around here.”
An article like this can only hit the highlights. Some people can make major changes using highlights like this, and others need more help. Inside my program, Saving Your Marriage, Made Remarkably Simple, you will find an in-depth discussion on communication techniques in chapters one and three.
My program also goes into important related aspects that are essential to address in order to heal a wounded marriage. Among the many critical issues addressed in detail are:
• Avoiding a fight before it begins
• How to disagree without arguing
• Effectively resolving conflict
• Dealing with an angry spouse
Seeing the world through the eyes of your spouse can move you toward a successful marriage. My program is an excellent tool for resolving problems and strengthening your marriage. You will learn to understand your spouse more intimately and build a better marriage than you ever had.
I wish you the success in your efforts to create a wonderful marriage.
Warm Regards,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
P.S. How are you doing rebuilding a friendship? I’d like to hear what you’ve been able to do to reestablish your friendship. Please scroll to the bottom and post your comments.
still losing her
If you love your wife, hang in there and keep trying to rebuild your relationship. Yes, most people make mistakes, but you made the ultimate mistake. Sounds like you did not love the other woman, but is hard to believe that there was never any communication with her. It is not my place to judge you, but my husband cheated on me also, and I have to say that it was the single most painful thing that has ever happened to me. His was an emotional and physical affair--because he thought that our marriage of 34 yrs. was over. He forgot to tell me until after he was in a full blown affair with a a piece of trash that could have only taken him straight to the gutter. Our marriage was not perfect and I was not perfect, but after 34 yrs and three wonderful children I was not allowed the chance to seek counseling(which has helped us both)before he squandered all of his freedom with a whore. Time has somewhat been a healer, and after I finally realized that I was getting back the man that I loved and trusted in the beginning, our marriage is finally on the mend, better than ever I might add. I believe that God has forgiven both you and my husband, so please stop the pity party, but give your wife the time that she needs. Don't believe that any spouse would act any differently. I am acting differently than I ever thought I would with infidelity staring me in the face, but I can only believe that I loved my children enough to fight for their father and the man that I loved but not always liked for 34 years. I think he would say the same for me. I have forgiven but not forgotten, and please remember, you can never tell her enough how sorry that your are for your discretion, or never tell her enough how much you love her. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AND STILL HAVE PAINFUL MEMORIES!
Losing her
I'm the husband and I had 2 week affair last February (2009) where I was with this woman twice. After admitting what I had done I never saw the woman again. We have tried counselling with two different Counsellours but it hasn't gotten us any closer. Communication is definitely a major problem. My wife has restricted all my movements since then and I have accepted in order to show her that I am truly sorry, as well as I truly beleive our daughters deserve that I give it my best shot at trying to ammend things with my Wife. I love her and I know for sure I want to stay with her, but I am losing my way with her. I no longer know what to say or even how to say it. She is always remind me of all the wrong things I did, I said, she insists that all I do is lie... I feel so cornered... I no longer feel like talking... because "it's all lies". I have removed all my family and all my friends, as "they're all hypocrits and bad influence for our daughters"... every single one of them... they're all bad!! Now my parents are visiting and not even they are to see my daughters more than once, maybe twice... while her parents are visiting and they can get unlimited visits... I continue to beleive she loves me, but at this point her desire to HURT me and enjoy the revenge of restricting all my freedom is greater than any love she may have ever had for me. I am "allowed" to go to work and return home... that's it! It's unbelieveable how anyone on this Earth can see themselves fit not only to pass judgement but pass sentences (punishment). I am accepting this for now because I want my daughters to SCREAM back real loud to anyone who may wish them all the wrong in the world, that they know for a fact their father did everything he knew and could to be worthy of their mother again. I don't know how much longer I can hang on... I also don't want to lose her. After my sinful act, I have apologized repeatedly, I have shown regret, proven my regret, I have confessed and have accepted this ridiculous punishment. It's so RIDICULOUS I will challenge any woman with a ounce of common sense to tell me that my wife is correct in her ways. But before you say anything I will first describe the entire list of punishment (at your request) she sees as an appropriate means to deal with this. If all you have is as much anger, hatred, and revenge in your heart will probably agree... if you have a sense of forgiveness, compassion and bottom line any real love for your partner then you will agree this has to be at the very least inhumane. I want to stay with my wife, and in my marriage, and I have admitted to the World my mistake (also at her request) I just don't know what I can possibly do to continue to beleive that one day she can put this behind us, and sincerely have the desire to make it work between us. My "transgression" just made everything worse, I was always wrong about everything, I always said the wrong things, I always took her for granted, I never appreciated her... and now after the less-than-two-week affair it's even worse... there is just nothing that I can possibly say that is right. I have loved this woman and still do, but our story is now so complicated... consider this if you will... Her parents (although still together) have had a very bad marriage, her father had multiple affairs and they lasted for years on end, these woomen even called his home, he would stay out until all hours, and he was always out with his friends at the bars, cafes, whatever... Her mother had it it tough, and so did she, as well as her siblings... stuff anyone would not wish onto their own enemies... so I did something similar... I had this encounter twice and it was over, but I never stayed out, I don't go to bars, or cafes, etc. etc. until all hours because I am family man and it's just not my thing... besides I have always enjoyed being with my wife. I love my children and I know what I did was never with any intentions to hurt my wife... it was wrong, and that is MY mistake, and I know I must endure consequences... however I beleive my wife sees me exactly like her father... even before this happened... she so badly wanted her father to pay for all the wrong he did to her, to her mother and her siblings... he should "pay"... but now at around 72... he hasn't "paid" for all the wrong he did... so... I HAVE TO "PAY"... it is only clearer now, that even before my affair, that I was already "paying" for her father mistakes. So often I actually heard... "you're all the same"... "you're jsut like him"... I now better realize that every time I did or said something that reminded her in the slightest about her father's ways... there she was to pound me to a pulp... you know the stupid game so many like and enjoy playing... "I don't feel like it... I'm tired... tomorrow... headache... silent treatment... bully type harsh responses like "WHHHAAATT?"... What do you want?... and on an on... very abusive verbally and always screaming like you can actually get reward points or something. But about the "no sex game"... what do you women really think this action accomplishes? I accept nothing short of responsibility for my act of undeniable stupidity, but does anyone out there really believes these acts are a product of only "one"? When any of you see someone dancing the tango all by themselves, please let me know. Anyway, I have writen quite a bit here, yet I assure you this is a hint. I am desperate... so I would write until I would have no fingers left if it meant I would find peace with my wife. I'm sure my wife would be very upset if she was to read these words, but I no longer know what I should or should not do, such is my desperation. My intention is only one, that someone could posibly bring me some enlightment to may own cause... and who knows, one or two "right" words said at the right time and I could have my wife back for good... however improbable this may be... it's part of my hope.
HOPE.
Hello Losing Her
First of all, I can see your frustration. But, I also read alot of manipulation in what you wrote. You still are not taking full blame for your affair. For instance, you wrote 'but does anyone out therer eally believe these acts are a product of only "one"?' As Dr. Gunzburg states, 'there is NO EXCUSE for cheating on your spouse.' And, ten months is no way long enough for your wife to heal from your affair. That being said, if you really want your marriage to work, continue counselling for both of you. Yes, she needs to calm down so the two of you can move forward, but if you give her what she needs consistently for a lengthy period of time, then she will start to trust you again & allow herself to feel love for you again. You won't like hearing this, but you are underestimating the pain you have caused her. So put the time & effort in if you are serious about staying in your marriage & never hurting her again. And by all means, continue counselling even if it takes trying several counsellors until you find the one you both find to be helpful. Here is a link to a really good site for healing after an affair. It has been very helpful to me and my husband after his affair. It should help you understand the healing part better and give you insight into it all so you won't feel hopeless about your marriage. There are lots of kind, helpful people on the site that you can talk to. Show it to your wife also, it will help her to talk to the other people on the site that have been through similar situations. Good luck to both of you & I hope the two of you will have a Merry Christmas & a Happier New Year! Hope this site helps you both. Hang in there!
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/
Losing her
Let me start first by thanking you for replying. You are a woman no doubt and that means a lot to me. I am very serious about staying in my marriage, but I often, like now, feel like I no longer have any arguments to offer which can clearly show how much I want my wife back. She feels she is trying to make it easy for me, that is the vibe that I get... that she believes she's doing exactly what she has to do to allow me to show it to her. However, the exact opposite is what I feel. I don't feel she wants to meet me half way with anything that I have expressed can bring some joy back into my life, and this thing about my daughters not exactly being allowed to see their grand-parents is... impossible to understand. Look, not even I would feel right by taking my daughters to see my parents without my wife being there, which has now become an impossibility. It's not even so much that I cannot take them, it's that she has managed to manipulate the situation that there is no longer an appropriate atmosphere for any joy should i insist that I take them to see their grand-parents. This is emotional blackmail on her own daughters. You mention that I manipulate my words. I agree to a great extent with what you say, and your quote that there is no excuse for cheating is absolutely correct. I accept this. This is my mistake. I absolutely own it.
you also mention 10 months is not enough to overcome this event. If I understand correctly and judging the way my wife forgives anyone or anything that hurts her, there isn't enough time on what may remain of my lifetime or hers so that she understands she needs to forgive in order to go on with life... I'll write some more, but the reality of what I wrote just hit me... I either accept to live the rest of my life imprisioned and without any possibility for parole (hapiness) or leave and just completely decimate a number of lives. I will jeopardize my daughters' future. I will completely disolusion and disapoint my wife, I will disolusion her sisters young kids (2,2 and 5) who like their uncle. I will be very disppointed myself. I will absolutely hate myself for losing my beautiful wife. She will hate me, and hatred will fil her heart. She would rather spend time hating me than to love her daughters. It would be very messy. Am I trapped or what? And all I see is joy in her eyes knowing this is exactly where she knows that I am. 10 months... 3 months... any time invested in such painful ways is complete and utter waste. Put a bloody stone on it and get moving... nobody is really living this way... how much more time does anyone want to do this for? I understand my words are empty to my wife, but what am I supposed to do? I have renewed my commitments to her, my kids and God. All my friends know what I did, and they're all waiting to see when this is over. They all want us to succeed and pull it off together. They all undersatand that everyone needs and wants a second chance. They're all ready to turn their backs on me if I were to pull this nonsense again. I would be a real loser to ever do something like this ever again... Still very frustrated.
Cheating husband
I, too, suffer from the pain of a cheating husband. He has tried to blame me but I'm NOT falling for that. I will agree that our marriage had become stale and empty but he should have discussed this with me before he "CHOSE" to CHEAT!!!! It shows nothing but selfishness, being self-centered, dishonesty and deceitfulness. He now knows how easy it is to lie and deceive your trusting spouse and has tasted the "fun" of sin. He must have enjoyed it even tho' he says "It wasn't about the sex." More bull crap. If he didn't enjoy the sex why did he keep doing it. Lies, lies and more lies. He needs to 'fess up. He says he knows it was wrong and will never do it again. More bull crap. How can I believe anything he says or promises? He broke the biggest promise to me when he chose to cheat! He expects me to just "get over it." That is totally impossible! He had his cake and ate it heartily. I feel like I should have an affair to balance it out and see how quickly, if ever, he could get over a his spouse having a affair. He just doesn't get it. I doubt he will ever get it. He is basically a good man and I just can't get over how he could be with another woman and touch her all over and have sexual intercourse with her and still say he wants our marriage to work. Ha! I say. He destroyed SO MUCH. I will never trust him again - NEVER!!!! He cheated and lied and deceived me!! He now knows how to cheat. He has never been sexual with another woman other than me but now he has tasted that. I have never had an affair. He was a virgin when we married even tho' he was 26 years old. There is NO EXCUSE for causing me so much pain. I too have the images and have forced him to give me the disgusting details of the affair. My images were far worse than the details he divulged to me. I thanked him for sharing them with me because I can be where he was when he cheated with her. He kept that info for himself and I felt he wanted to savor the memories. Bringing them out into the light helps to make those thoughts, for him, fade over time and make them seem not so important. He is ashamed of what he did but I want to know what he shared with her that he didn't with me. She is a total whore and I feel she's cheated on her husband before. She told my husband she had never done this before but then why does she wear a birth control patch if she hasn't had sex with her husband for years as she told my husband. He is very naive and stupid with women. He was easily seduced but then he chose to pull his "own" pants down. That is unforgivable to me!! He CHOSE!!
So you men just don't get it. You don't feel you need to be punished - but you do. For however long it takes. You destroyed so much with your selfish behavior and now want us wives to "move on." Get over yourself. If I sound bitter - , I am. Why shouldn't I be? Will write more later. Have to cool down. But, don't forget that what you did was wrong and the wife will NEVER "just get over it." It takes time and patience on your part. We are somewhat better but the flashbacks are so painful.
Rebuilding a Friendship
Thank you Frank for all of your advice throughout this year. I have been on a mission to improve my communication skills to my husband. He had a 5 year affair and I fell apart. I felt I was at fault and was even accused by the other woman that I was not listening to him.
Although he is a person who requires constant attention and reward, I still realized I needed to be a friend first and then maybe the relationship would come back around. I took your advice and am relearning elements of being a good friend. We still have setbacks, and sometimes get into bad fights. I am still hurt inside and cannot talk to him about it because he does not want to. But things are improving and over the next five years, I imagine if it does not work out, I wont be destroyed as I was in the last year!
Thank you!
Brenda
rebuilding friendship
Oddly, once again the content of your recent mail directly relates to incidents happening at the present time.
The rolling of my husband's eyes, scowling and making laughing noises at my comments- as usual you are helping me to see that whilst these are not good, and something he needs to work on, they are a product probably of the way I have just reacted to something. It is imperative that I try to keep the advice in mind, and try to rebuild friendship, especially over Christmas.
Our friendship has been sorely tested due to his affair, and we are still struggling to deal with it several years on. Thanks again, have a good christmas yourself Frank, Lynda
Still Losing Her
I am so close to giving up... or so it feels.
I do love my wife and my daughters, but it seems the only thing that I can surely bring to my wife on a daily basis is agony and misery. I am tired... I no longer want to bring any more of this to my wife, to my family and yes even to me. My wife wants me to change my ways, everything about me is no good. There is nothing that I see, understand, think, or speak that is proper or correct. It's all wrong. My prespective on everything is always and absolutely wrong. I am so wrong that even to go and see my ill father in Europe is wrong of me to expect of my wife to agree. I now feel that I will be imposing on my wife and family for wanting to see my father who was in an induced coma for about 2 weeks, last month. He's ok now and now wants to see me. I can't even imagine how I am to bring this up in a conversation while expecting the slightest support. All my friends and family have now been categorized as "undesirable" (personna non-grata) as they're all a definite "bad influence" on my daughters. My Parents were here during X-mas and New Years (2009) just recently and I managed to let my parents see their grand-daughters once for 5 hours and a second time for about 40 minutes on the day they were leaving. They were here for 6 weeks. My wife's parents were also here for about the same period and length of time and they got to see my daughters countless times, although her parents were 10 mins away vs. 40 mins away for my parents.
I can't understand how it's come to the point where I feel I am imposing too much on my wife and my family by wanting to see my parents. Even just calling them or answering their phone calls makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I do not desire separation from my wife, but I am so tired. It seems I cannot bring up a smile to her anymore, nothing is funny anymore. The other day my youngest daughter comes to me while I was doing the laundry, all excited to show me some new funny 'game" on her ipod touch and I just told her to leave me alone... I told her "don't show me anything!" she asked why, I replied "because I no longer find anything funny"... and I just began crying, because all she wanted was my smile... I don't even have energy left to share a tiny happy moment with my daughters. Now, I'm also made to feel that I am not showing good principles and examples and that when they are 16 or so, that they will turn out bad girls because of my "poor" views and judgement. I am not only going to be blamed for everything that will go wrong, but I am already being blamed (today) for all that will go wrong. It's all already my fault.
I really don't want to let go of my wife. She is a good woman and I understand I hurt her, and she now wants everything done and thought her way. It's her way to defend herself from further pain that my ways could bring her. But this is why I am tired, it really feels like I will not get through to her. She wants me to be totally transparent with her, like she was always with me. But she does not feel this from me. I never saw the woman again, and I would like to move on, but these restrictive conditions she's imposed on me, they're still all in place since the day I was "allowed" to return back home. It's like we're still stuck in that moment... how can we move forward this way, if all this punishement remains in place? I need to feel like I can be the person that I am... with all the faults and the few (if any) virtues. I have made a new commitment never to fail my wife and my family in this ever way, but I don't want to change the essence of who I am, regardless of how good or bad that is. I have now accepted these restrictions imposed by wife for a year, to show that I regret my act of infidelity and to show that I very much want to stay in my marriage and be able to love my wife all over again with all my heart, and find new passion and "life" for us both. But I need to be free, to be able to express all of this and more. I want to be able to do and think about certain things that I do not expect nor even want my wife to agree with me, and yet trust that she will love me just the same. It surely does not feel this way now, unless I do as I am told... I am not listening to her. It's her way or I am just simply wrong and selfish.
I am tired... I no longer believe I can repair the damage I've brought to my family. I've been waiting for my wife to meet me somewhere in the middle with regards to her imposed list of punishment on me... but after a year... nothing! Not one item! I look in the horizon and all I see is this continued punishment and revenge. I am glad she has enjoyed some (because no amount is enough) revenge taken directly on me, my friends, my parents and other family members... I agree, all of it has been much deserved, but it's spilled over to my daughters and many others. They've suffered many of the consequences of the punishment that is still in effect. How can this be the foundation to re-build, repair and eventually move forward as a family?
I look in the horizon and I see nothing but despair and so much more pain yet to be endured if we eventually fail to remain as a family... but now I am tired. For two weeks now my mind is completely "blank" about how I should proceed and continue to fight for my family. Even to me it's pathetic that the only way to release my thoughts, feelings and emotions is "here"... writing these words. I know I should rather be expressing all of this to my wife, but I have real trouble doing that. Every time conversations about this emerge (and yes it is her that typically brings it up), I always end up getting a "beating" of all sorts emotionally. I know it's deserved, but I don't want it anymore. I express my feelings, emotions to the best of my ability and then I always end up being reminded of my shameful act. I am reminded of everything about me that is not good, which feels like it's pretty much everything... I feel so bad after having these types of conversations with my wife... I honestly don't ever look forward to having them. I really would like to focus on encouraging situations, deeds and anything thst is positive and try to re-build this way. But her preference is reminding me of what I did and all that I am wrong about. Any other conversation that may begin with with a different topic or a situation with other people and not necessarily about infidelity seems in most occasions end up in the topic of infidelity. In my wife's view I am having so much trouble with work related issues and sitations because people that know about my transgression, supposedely also second guess me and also in all likeliness no longer trust me as well... I understand this, very clearly! But I do not "live" my daily life assuming this hipothetical yet probable feeling people may have for me after what I did, that this is the absolute reason why most everyhting in my life is not going well. Not a chance! Most people have done some wrong in their lives and everyone wants to have second (and third, and fourth, and so on, and so on) chances. This means to me that not only most people would be willing to forgive me for what I did, but simply because they too will want to be forgiven if and when they do wrong.
Tired and without solutions.
May God have compassion on me and forgive me.