Motivating Your Spouse to Work on the Marriage
Encouraging Your Spouse to Believe in Your Marriage
Ann was frustrated, frightened and lost when she explained to her best friend, Cindy, “I don’t know what to do. When Bob comes home, he stays isolated in his own little world. He just withdraws and won’t communicate.
“After dinner, he turns on the TV and tunes me out. It is almost like he doesn’t care about me or our marriage. He doesn’t seem to have any confidence in us being happy together anymore. He seems to have given up on us. I tried bringing up going to a marriage counselor, but instead he said we can ‘figure it out ourselves.’
“I am afraid that I am going to lose him if I haven’t already.”
Do you feel like Ann? There is the old saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Ann has been unable to even lead the horse to water.
How does something like this happen to a marriage that was once happy? What makes two people who were once deeply in love stop valuing and caring for each other the way they once did?
In some cases people are torn apart by serious betrayals, like affairs. In other cases, a couple may simply stop connecting and communicating, and in time, the relationship erodes. Either way, the results are similar: The marriage comes apart at the seams.
When you hear Ann’s description, you know Bob has lost hope.
It doesn’t have to be this way. Even if you have no idea how to lead the proverbial horse to water, you can learn. And today I am going to teach you how. I will explain one way you can reverse the erosion of your marriage and build a stronger, happier relationship.
Drifting Apart
Ann and Bob are no longer the close, loving couple they once were. Over time their marriage has taken a backseat to other things such as jobs, kids and outside interests. They have neglected each other and, as a result, both have lost their in-love feelings.
They may feel that they are taken for granted much more than they are appreciated and valued. Since neither feels special anymore, the chances of the marriage surviving have declined. Ann is leaning in, wanting to actively save the marriage. Bob is leaning out and has given up on Ann and their relationship. He has become uncooperative in seeking help or addressing issues.
Out of Sync and Out of Touch
For example, in the narrative above, it is Bob who seems to think it is a hopeless situation and has become reluctant to make an effort to repair his marriage. He probably thinks something like, “I don’t want the rest of my life to be like this. I want something more. I want passion and I deserve better than this.” Another possibility is that he has become immune to the distance or coldness between them.
Bob probably believes that neither Ann nor anything else important to him about their relationship can change. This mindset can come about when one spouse thinks and feels that the marriage has already been given “too many” unsuccessful attempts at change. These attempts have not been recognized and have not been effective, resulting in an unwillingness to invest any more effort.
Of course, it is tough on Ann if Bob seems content with the status quo or has lost confidence in her ability to make positive changes. When confronted with issues or concerns, Bob might say, “I’ve got it,” because he is tired of being badgered and is trying to disengage. Consequently, he still does not make any changes Ann can notice and, to her, her words appear to go in one ear and out the other.
Bob feels frustration and resentment and can’t imagine making a change.
Like Bob and Ann, your relationship has likely become adversarial instead of friendly. Even if there isn’t open hostility, the two of you probably aren’t getting along. If you are going to save your marriage, you need to correct this situation soon. Your marriage is dependent on it!
Because it is so important, I want to offer a few suggestions.
Step 1: Reviving Your Friendship
If you are in a situation similar to Ann’s, you need to practice thinking like a friend. If you don’t believe that your spouse is your best friend, you should start by thinking that you want to be your spouse’s best friend. In order to get your spouse to be your best friend, you must first become his or her best friend. You have a much better chance of proactively changing yourself than you do changing someone else.
Just like Ann, you need to analyze your own thinking and behavior to figure out if your responses are the responses a friend would make. If they’re not, you must figure out how to change them.
For example, if Bob comes home late and hasn’t called, Ann shouldn’t fly off the handle. That would send the message that Bob is her adversary. Instead, she should be a best friend, starting with a friendly tone of voice. Instead of giving him the expected chewing out, she should express her concern.
The first time Ann acted this way, Bob would probably test her new behavior, because she violated his negative expectations. It is her “job,” then, to remain in the friend position with understanding and empathy. In so doing she will be creating positive momentum rather than the confrontation he was expecting. By consistently staying in friend mode, she would be beginning on a path toward positive change.
In the narrative above, Bob feels out of love, but it is my belief, strengthened through my experiences of working with many couples, that his love is still there. His love has been covered up—in remission, so to speak. There has to be a friendly, cooperative mood to revive his belief in their marriage so his love can come out of hiding. By continuing to be a friend, Ann can build hope in him that things might change for the better. She needs to maintain a continuously pleasant atmosphere for this opportunity to happen.
As you maintain your positive attitude, you should notice a friendly shift in your partner’s attitude. When this friendly shift continues for a while, discussing aspects of your relationship should bring you closer together.
Step 2: Leading the Horse to Water
Sometimes getting your spouse to the first step is the hardest part. One situation where a counselor can be particularly helpful is if your partner is significantly leaning out of your relationship. If your spouse is not too far gone, a good and effective counselor can sometimes turn the situation around by rekindling hope. I have managed to do this even in situations where the other spouse already served divorce papers. I cannot do this every time, and even after the person has been turned around there are many other factors that determine whether or not the marriage can be saved.
The metaphor I think of to describe this process is related to the dying embers of a fire. If you have skill and experience in working with fire, and you nurture one or two of those embers and provide some fresh fuel, you can usually bring the fire back to life. You will know if you are consistently maintaining your stance as a friend, because adversarial exchanges will diminish. By itself, this change is often enough for the other person to consider working again on the relationship, whether in do-it-yourself mode or with a counselor.
Step 3: An Effective Alternative to Counseling
If your spouse refuses to attend counseling, don’t lose hope. Although it was not a scientific study, more than 60% of the 5,000 people who filled out our marriage survey in October 2009 reported being married to a spouse who refuses counseling.
That is one reason for my program Saving Your Marriage Made Remarkably Simple.
http://www.savingmymarriagenow.com/p/order.php?i=2027&p=62
My program provides an alternative to counseling. In some couples, one person leads the way and provides the motivation to get the two of them started following the program. Some couples decide that “something” has to be done and cooperatively arrive at using my program—based either on one person’s research or joint research.
In other couples, the person leading the way is viewed as controlling and manipulative, and the reluctant spouse becomes more reluctant and irritable. There is additional information in my program on how to manage the early steps single-handedly without cooperation from your spouse. However, at some point, you will reach a plateau, and you cannot move ahead without your spouse joining you in your efforts to save your marriage.
If your spouse doesn’t “own the healing process,” your relationship may spin further out of control. That is why I suggest that you do the following:
1. Get a conversation going about your relationship. Without blaming anyone, tell your partner that you don’t like the relationship you’ve developed and that you expect that he or she also doesn’t like what you as a couple have become. Ask if that is true or not.
2. Reaffirm your loving and caring feelings for your spouse. Express your desire to make your marriage better. Ask where your spouse stands regarding your feelings and desires for healing your marriage.
3. Invite your spouse to be involved in the solution. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. For this I suggest the following things:
a. Ask for ideas to repair your marriage. Will you work with a counselor or do it yourselves? What ideas does your spouse have for improving your relationship, without playing the blame game? Of course, you want to find a way to focus on the solutions rather than on the problems; however, I want to note that you have to consider the problems at some point to figure out the solutions.
b. If you want to go the do-it-yourself route, you could mention that you found Dr. Gunzburg’s program on the Internet and think it is a good start.
c. If you have been reading my materials and have found them helpful, tell your spouse and ask if he or she would be willing to look over the materials and make his or her own decision about it.
Please note that every step along the way of inviting your spouse to “own the healing process” includes your spouse in the decision-making steps and asks for feedback. After all, you want your spouse to feel that he or she has made these decisions independently.
If your spouse gives you the opportunity, and you consistently maintain your friend mode, you just might start to crack that numbed exterior. Remember that you don’t want to recreate the old, broken marriage. Instead, you want to create a marriage that is better than it ever was before. I wish you success in your endeavors to create a wonderful marriage.
Warm regards,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
P.S. This overview just scratches the surface. If you have not had a chance to look over my program, Saving Your Marriage Made Remarkably Simple, I suggest that you do so. Inside this program, I discuss relevant issues in detail and how to manage some of the thoughts and feelings about your problems that you are having right now. The time to bring your spouse into the program is when your relationship is at least temporarily and relatively calmed down. It’s even better if you can spur some positive feelings by consistently maintaining a friend mode in your interactions.
http://www.savingmymarriagenow.com/p/order.php?i=2027&p=62
P.P.S. I’m interested in hearing your comments and questions. Simply go to the bottom of the message and post a comment at the bottom.
Ann & Bob
After reading the blog about Ann & Bob, I was wondering If Bob had an affair?Why does Ann have to do all the work in fixing the relationship?Does'nt the cheating spouse have to own up?Why does Ann have to change her ways to please him, if he is the cheater?This seems to be the BIG problem,especially when it's the male who cheats...they do not want to do nothing!!!!they don't want to talk about the affair,they would just like us women to sweep it under the rug,and press reset and go back to where the marraige once was....impossible,I'm still not sure what it is we need from them, but whatever it is ,I have'nt got it yet!!!!The strong feelings of HURT& Pain just keep lingering on because my husband will not talk about the affair,He tells me I wish all this would just go away...well it doesn't....and I'm certainly not going to kiss his Ass after he did me dirty!!!!He did wrong,he needs to change!!!!!I like myself the way I am,loyal & loving~~~~
Reasons for everything
Having recently rumbled my husband's affair/fling, I finally have the answers to why he had become so distant with myself, our children and our friends.
Ironically I felt relieved and it has allowed us to move on. Had he continued to hide the affair and carried on being so indifferent, then I would probably have ended up leaving him.
Instead of tears and ranting, I reacted in as dignified and adult a manner as possible. I reacted with gut instinct and I am convinced my initial response has contributed greatly to us saving our marriage, which six months on is progressing brilliantly.
In my man's case I had I had a double-whammy: confirmed medical andropause plus mid-life crisis rolled into one. He talked openly with me about his andropause and was definitely embarrassed about lack of libido. I researched male menopause for weeks and realised a major side-effect of the low testosterone was depression. I believe the depression he was in was all-engulfing and that he was emotionally 'out of control'.
Unfortunately, this all served to hide the scent of an affair as the symptoms of depression and guilt are very similar...
In no way to I condone his actions. It has shown me what self-indulgent, dillusional bastards men can be! But it has also shown me his weaknesses and insecurities. My ultra-macho man is at the end of the day something of a lost child. I know a lot more about my partner than I ever did!I am a stronger person all round.
I only requested the most basic of information about the paramour and in retrospect am glad I did not ask any more. It would have eaten me away forever and the last thing I intend doing is comparing myself to someone who I now believe he never intended to leave me for. I can honestly say I have never felt 'jealous' of that man-eater, because I know I am the better person. My morals remain completely intact and it is me he wants to be with.
By looking at the bigger picture and what we have built together - our 25 years of marriage, our, family, our home, our business - it has been worth hanging in there.
I strongly believe there should be much more public awareness about the andropause and it's devastating effects. If only men would talk to other men. They would soon realise they are not the only person in the world this is happening to. If my hubby hadn't been so embarrassed about his lack of libido and could have talked, I believe he may never have gone off the rails.He was totally out of control and lost. I have had to dig deep to find compassion and understanding. My main weapons have been a sharp sense of humour, loving children and friends and the notion that he has been 'emotionally sick'.
Have you gone to the doctor?
I read a book named The Savvy Woman's Guide© to Testosterone and it explained there that testosterone is also crucial to a woman's health and well-being. Loss of testosterone can cause loss of sex drive and sexual sensation, marked fatigue, low energy, hair loss, decreased stamina, loss of height, and others like "blues and blahs", as well as more frequent headaches. I hope you both get medical help. If this is the only way to save your marriage..
I am Angry
I have been married for nearly 15 years and in that time My Husband has NEVER taken responsibility for anything. When he screws up I'm always to blame, by his Family They are much older than I and seems to enjoy havic between us. 90% of everything that's gone wrong has been All him. And even to the point of lying on me (His Wife) How do I deal with this?
Thank you,
Iva Tanner
You are simply fantastic.
You are simply fantastic. Keep up the good work! you are helping so many people out there!
How do I rebuild the marriage if the affair is not truly over?
My wife and I have been married for 24 years. After a family tragedy involving our 10 year old daughter we became distant, strangers, I had to deal with the grief on my own because she openly said we were not strong enough to survive this event. I disagreed, however I could not force her to share her feelings or talk to me so while she did not blame me for the event I was certainly made to feel the pain of our separation as if it had been my fault. Over the past year she found other friends to confide her feelings in and openly sought their counsel. We have both been able to move on however over this time one of these friends became more than just a friend and she had an affair that lasted 7-8 months. All along I could tell that something just wasn't right and despite the fact I asked several times but would not get a straight answer. I couldn't even get her to agree to speak openly to me about her feelings. about 5 months ago she came clean and told me the truth. She said that she was sorry for the hurt she caused and that they agreed to stop the relationship, (by the way he is also married). At that time we agreed to rebuild our marriage. Since then our lives have been like a rollercoaster, one week things get better, then for a few weeks the cold distance comes back and I can tell it's because of his presence. I am deeply committed to our mariage and to my wife, I love her deeply, and don't want to consider a life without her. However I know that they remain in contact and it bothers me very much. I have made my feelings well known, I have told her that it hurst to see that they still talk and have social contact. Where do I go from here, how can I trust with this presence and knowing that he still wants to continue the affair. Sometimes I feel like the odds are against me and that I am swimming against the current. She has confesed to loving him and having difficulty being able to break away. However she also says that she loves me. I have tried the approach in todays blog and will admit that it has made a difference in our communication. I want to trust again, I want to restore the intimacy we once had, and most of all I want to feel loved as much as I love her. Where do I go from here?
replying
I can relate to what you are going through. My husband cheated on me with a young girl who is 30 years his senior. In fact they work in the same office. We are separted, he says he wants to work things out but I think it is impossible because he constantly sees her at the office. I would like for him to change jobs. What do you suggest.
Getting him back
We have not talked for 2 months and I had finally left him a message on his phone telling him I had heard he was seeing someone. At the end I told him good luck with it and wished him well and hoped it works out well for him. Was this the wrong thing to do to get him to call me back and discuss our relationship? We had been together for 13 yrs and he was the one who constantly pushed me away by not participating in our relationship. He felt all was just fine until I finally left one week end without telling him I was going to be gone for a few days. I came back and he was totally depressed but did not want to talk about the situation nor did he ask me where I was at. I had then moved out and have been moved out for a yr but we did communicate basicallly on the phone and he never invited me to go anywhere with him. We did finally go to dinner then we went to a grand childs birthday of which he did not participate in connecting with the kids. It bothers me that he shuts himself off completely and never responds to my needs. We quit talking again for two months then he finally answered my call late one night but never said anything but good, fine and it didn't matter one or another to him. Is this relationship to far gone to heal?
It's time
After all this time, please conside that you are banging your head against a brick wall. If he is not communicating with you in any way about a possible reconnciliation, it is time to move forward with your life. Understand that you cannot force a man to love you the way you need to be loved and that any man that does not offer you what you need is not the one for you. Real feelings of devotion are obivous with things he will say and do with your happiness in mind. - I implore you to look into your heart and be honest with yourself about if this kind of person is what will make YOU happy.
I need help
My husband and I talk every day. He comes home and tells me about his day. I talk about my day. We laugh, joke, enjoy each other's company most of the time. He takes me to lunch. We run around town together. Everywhere we go, we have a good time. That's not the problem. The problem is that he says he doesn't love me. He has been telling me that for over a year and a half. It's a long story. Bottom line is, I treated him badly, he stuck around. I came home and now it's his turn. He moved out of our bedroom. He's having an affair, although I do not believe that it has been physical yet. He shut me out, but he still wants to go places with me. He still plans to take me to his company Christmas party, where I plan to be beautiful and charming and flirty. I want to let him see ME again. I know that our marriage can be saved. We've been together for 19 years. I did all of those things to him years ago. My biggest problem is that I don't know how to talk to him. It used to be so easy, but I gradually became afraid to ask for what I want because I had been told that it was silly to want those things. I don't want to lose my husband or tear apart my family. He says he "thinks" he loves this other woman, who happens to be an ex-girlfriend from before he and I got together. I know that things will come around if I simply keep my mouth shut and carry on as though nothing has changed, but I'm not him. I have a hard time doing that and sometimes I just open my mouth and insert my foot. I have started to be totally transparent with him. I am honest, but not brutally. I want to feel comfortable talking to my husband again. I want to connect to him again. I love him and I don't want him to go. I don't want a divorce. I want to save my marriage.
Losing my wife
About 19 years ago our very loving relationship got put on hold when we had a child die of Luekemia at age 4. We were greiving so much that it was hard to support the other when we were greiving so much ourselves. I bent more to her Support but got none in return. We stuuck it out and leaned on our incredible friendship and went through motions of a marriage. But our closeness eroded. We poured ourselves into our kids and have been incredible parents. My wife has sought out passion through other younger men that are similar as to how I used to be. She did not do anything physical but more on the emotional affair side of the coin. In order to preserve our friendship she moved out to an apartment and we both decided that we didn't want to be married like we were. She wants to follow through with a divorce and I don't. Our kids are older now, high school and college, so they need us less and less. My wife and I share incredible memories together and a lot of lingering debt, which tends to cloud any happiness. We still talk and are considering bankruptcy. Any suggestions?
nothing can help
my husband walked out on me and my 3 children, including a baby of 5months with downs syndrome. he said he can't live with me, as i was physically and emotionally abusive,and he had to do everything, DIY, house work kids to school. In fact i sound like a complete ogre. In reality, I've had to deal with some awful italian inlaws who belittled me and humiliated me and made me feel totally incapable, my husband never supported me, he just kept his head down. we constantly argued but never talked. when he left i did everything wrong, i begged him to come back promise i'd change, paid the bills, and begged him to go to counselling, but he has decided he wants a divorce and has served the papers. I am totally dystroyed and don't know what to do, he has made his mind up without even discussing it. He is 42.
Is there hope for my marriage?
My Husband and I have been married for 9 years, we have two kids together. It seems like as soon as we said I do, things changed. We stopped talking to one another and we just can't seem to get it right. He began to hang out in the Garage after work on the Computer all the time. I asked him many times to go to counseling, but he refused. Lately I found out that he was having an affair with a woman on his job. He did not confess to the affair until I found evidence. He said that the woman was just someone that would listen to him and they only slept together one time. Now I know that this is a common response from someone that cheats, I have no way of knowing what went on between them and if he stills talks to her, he says that he doesn't and I would love to believe what he says , but at this point, how can I trust anyhting he says . I just don't know what to do. I feel sad everyday and I try to shake the feelings, but how can you get those images out of your head? It feels like I will always feel sad and think about his betrayal. I want to get back to normal but what can I do? He says that he loves me, but why do people always have to cheat? I had plenty of opportunities to cheat on him, I was not happy with him either, but I would have never betrayed him even though he wasn't making me happy, I was still willing to try, I hate that I asked him several times were things ok and he said yes, why did he lie, then after I found out he tells me" well you knew I wasn't happy". I think that was bull and that took away the special feeling I had about him and our relationship. But do I throw away the years that we have made together, well if you look at it, he didn't care enough to consider the years we spent. I guess he didn't think he would get caught. Part of me wants to pay him back, but I know that would be wrong. Now it's like we are together but he stills doesnt talk to me we watch TV and go to bed. After I found out about the affiar I threw him out of the house and he begged me to let him back in, things were ok and he opened up more , now he is back to his old quiet self, I ask him all the time if he has a change of heart because I don't wan to be hurt again, if he wants to leave I can handle that, he says he just needs time. How can I be sure what he really wants? I feel like I have to protect myself. I wish I didn't care so much. I bought your How to Forgive on line but I coould not skae the images of him having sex with her. Believe me, I tried. I think about what if I leave him and get another guy that cheats, that;s possible if so many men cheat. I think he is in denial, he say he at fault but he cheated because I made him feel unwanted.
There is something so hard
There is something so hard to understand... Why do people cheat? Even if I'm the one who did it, I still can't understand. When it happened, I felt so far from my loving partner, so physically and emotionally far. I was gone for work during 7 weeks, not that long but still, sailing away between hurricanes. My partner and I know each other because of work, we're artists. I thought we had a good communication, but I found out, after several months of working on myself, that the problem was probably my inner communication. I drove myself in believing that I was happy to move to his province and his little town, I put away the fear, I (intentionally?) forgot about the loneliness you feel when you move far from friends and family... I was organizing the moving while working away. But, now that I think of it, all this time I had this hurting feeling in my stomach. Foolish I was to believe it was only heartburns. I can say, today, after trying to listen to my emotions and decode them, that this horrible pressure was fear and guilt. And I take the blame: I didn't insist enough when I talked to my partner about that. Was I expecting him to think of it? To be empathetic? He never moved away or lived that far, how could he think of it? On the other hand, I grew frustrated because he didn't seem to really think about all the changes I was going to make in my life to make our life together possible. But I was unable to verbalize this feeling! I came clear with him about the affair: it happened on the very last night before my return. Again, when I think of it honestly, I see the slippery slope: away from home, surrounded by people from everywhere on the globe, traveling and visiting all these new countries, THOUGH always making a point to end my day with an email to my partner, a long one, with a deep message, even after a glass of wine or a party on board... I tried to communicate my fear once or twice, and this attempt had been simply ignored. Maybe I wasn't clear enough. Anyways, it happened. This guy from another part of the world, someone I knew I would never see again... He kept asking me all my contract long «And you really think he will wait for you?». Strangely, he could talk about this feeling of loneliness, he could ask me about my moving and shake the feelings I was building my future on. And we did it. I feel he abused of the situation, I'm ashamed. It broke my heart. When I saw my partner the next day, the person I love and I care about, after that, my heart really broke. I felt I had lost him, even before he knew. I was acting strange, crying all the time, having a hard time preparing my stuff to move. But I couldn't go back, it was done. I got another contrat, only two weeks, ten days after that. I went away and thought. I chose then to bury my feelings and forget about the affair. I lived with it several months, alone in this new place, in my heart. But one day, it resurfaced. I felt it was consuming me so deeply that I was dying. I told my partner.
It has been 7 months since he knows. And not one single day of rest. I truly want to communicate with him, establish a space of serenity between us. I don't want something like that to happen again. Not to me, not to him. I love him, I feel it, I'm not afraid anymore. I'm learning how to exteriorize my feelings, emotions, needs. It's hard, but it's worthy I'm sure. Some days, we laugh together, we have fun, I see in his eyes that he really looks at me, not through me. Some other days, anger pays us a visit and it hurts. At first, when I told him, I wasn't strong enough to take care of myself. He helped me survive, he was very kind. Then I wanted to talk, but he went into a state of emotional mutism.
Now, I use the «friendship mode approach» and it works a bit. I love him so much, I want him to heal. It's hard to stay always warm and friendly when I feel he's angry all the time, but I'm still confident. When hope seems to drift away, I close my eyes and see him smile, hear him laugh, and I know I want to stay here. I want that to happen again, and again, and again for a long time. I'm deeply sorry I had to cause all this pain and go through it to connect with myself and understand how much I love him.
Maybe soon he'll choose to open up again, or he'll ask me to leave. Either way, I love him and I'll continue to work on my communication skills. I don't want to loose him, but it's my fault. I want him happy more that anything. I want him to know that he's my man, my love. Rebuilding the trust is a long process. In fact, it's a choice. And, unfortunately, it's not mine, it's his. I hope he'll take it. Meanwhile, I do everything I can to facilitate things and to grow as a person, this way I'll be ready to have a peaceful, loving and balanced relationship when he comes back emotionally.
Thank you Dr Gunzburg for your advices. Reading your work is a relief, I do not feel alone. And good luck to everyone who wants to heal out there.
its not always because he doest love you
Sometimes men do not want to have sex not because they do not love their wife or their partner no longer attracts them but because they have low
testosterone levels which cause low libido in men. All they really need to do is see a doctor and get medical help... and understanding, of course.
bring back the times
i've been there before and i know how it feels...it's really so frustrating when you came to the point that you ask if it's still worth it...but fortunately we passed this challenge...it is right that it is not always because he doesn't want to have sex with you is that he doesn't love you anymore...especially for those aging men/women....we just have to find ways to bring back our sex drive and for sure everything will be okay again...
I have read your articles
I have read your articles and it is really difficult. There are times when my emotions get the best of me.
We've been married for 15 years with 3 children. My husband has had 2 affairs. One about 5 years ago and one that just ended a few months ago. The last one lasted on and off for about a year and a half. He has told me that I forced him to marry him and that he has not been happy after the first 2 years of marriage. He proposed to me again and gave me my second ring in front of his family and our friends about 6 months before his first affair. So I don't understand his comments. I think it's to give reason to why he had the affairs.
I am the first to say I am not perfect, but I know in my heart I have tried absolutely everything humanly possible to keep this marriage together. In our marriage everything is his way or the highway. I have learned to be very clear in stating my needs. He says he will do something about it, but if it's not in his plan, he will brush it on the side and hope that I will forget about it. I have a deep seated value against divorce, but how do I stay with someone who's only concern is his needs. When I ask him if he is committed to making our marriage better, his reply is "I'm home aren't I." Our two older kids (14 and 8) are starting to lose touch with him because they are tired of his behavior. They understand how morally wrong his behavior (affairs) is. He ups and leaves with no notice and doesn't call them. He will give them money or take them places when he can. Our youngest is 6 and he has exposed all of them to his affairs. While we were separated during the two affairs, he moved in with his girlfriends and told me that he needed to know if our kids would get along with his girlfriend. Not only is he going against our marriage vows, but he is messing up our children emotionally.
Is he worth fighting for? I am a total emotional wreck. Our marriage didn't start off this way. He has been the center of my world for such a long time. I think that is a huge reason why he is so self absorbed. His family and I have catered to him so much, he has never had to consider other people's feelings.
What to do? I'm thinking the smarter choice is to leave if he doesn't respect or truly love me. I don't want to be the excuse for his next affair or the next time he feels he wants to leave and be alone.