How to Cope with a Sex-Addicted Spouse
“Our sex life was good for years. Then, something just snapped in him. It started around the time he turned 50. I would go to bed, and he would stay awake. One night, I got up to grab a drink of water and found him in the den, staring at porn on the Internet.”
Many women have had this experience, or something very similar to it. Maybe you cherished your “normal” sex life with your husband, only to find out that he’s been harboring dark and deviant fantasies. Maybe you have stumbled across a stash of pornographic magazines and DVDs—even though you never suspected your husband of being aroused by such graphic images.
Sex is an integral and beautiful part of a healthy marriage. Sometimes, though, sex becomes something that feels like constant physical craving rather than an expression of love. This is a form of “sex addiction,” and it can bring a lot of pain into your relationship.
If you’ve had an experience like the ones above, you already know the anguish sex addiction can cause. But did you know that there ARE ways to move beyond the addiction for some couples?
Sex addiction is such a complex topic that I will spend two posts covering it. Today, let’s look at ways in which sex addicts try to justify their behavior. When you see these signs, you can take proactive steps to combat the addiction and possibly heal your marriage.
Together, you and your spouse can fight back problem behaviors and rebuild honesty in your relationship.
Speak Up for Yourself and Resist Coercion
A sex addict does not have his priorities straight. He puts sex near the top—maybe even at the very top—of his list. Sex is more important than his marriage, his friendships, or his own well-being. He craves sex like a drug addict craves his drug of choice. And, just like the addict, he will do anything to get a fix.
He might even try to coerce you into sharing a deviant and dangerous lifestyle.
This is sad but not too shocking, given the extremes that other addicts will go to. A heroin addict might steal from his own mother. He might take the mortgage money and use it to buy more drugs. His actions are driven by his cravings—his need to get high above all else.
When your spouse gets the craving, he might go to the Internet. He might pick up a woman in a bar. He might do any number of things that he promised you he would never do again. In order to justify his behavior to himself, he might even ask you to join in.
This is how some women end up committing sex acts that make them feel violated. It’s how some women end up joining swingers’ clubs, even when they hate the very idea of sex with someone else.
Don’t let your spouse’s sex addiction make the decisions in your marriage. You need to have boundaries around your relationship. Coercion destroys those boundaries and takes your feelings of self-worth with it.
Say “no” to suggestions that make you uncomfortable, and work to rebuild those important boundaries.
The first step is “Building the Fence Within: Becoming Sensitive to Danger and Setting Internal Boundaries.” Your spouse may not be willing to set boundaries yet. But you can begin building these fences on your own to strengthen your own character.
Be sensitive to the activities, actions, and people that could put your relationship in jeopardy. If you go to bed early and your husband stays up for hours on the Internet, ask him in your friendliest tone and with a smile on your face to come to bed with you; It should not seem like a punishment to him. Or, suggest an activity—such as watching a movie, playing a board game, or having a conversation—that will allow you to stay up together. If he says he’s playing golf with a friend, make sure that’s actually what he is doing, either by calling him or by going along yourself.
You can save yourself a lot of pain by setting these boundaries early. Sex addictions often grow worse because scenarios that could have been avoided are allowed to spin out of control. By practicing “risk management,” you build fences to keep out the dangers by lowering the risk of infidelity and, if everything else is working well, protect the love in your relationship.
Before you can build those protective fences, though, your spouse needs to stop making excuses for his behavior. Next, let’s look at one of the classic excuses and discuss why you should never accept it.
Don’t Buy the “Red-Blooded Male” Excuse
I’m just doing what all guys do.
How familiar does that sound? Some men use that line like it’s a get-out-of-jail-free card. They don’t want to be held accountable for making a sexist joke, or looking at porn online, or flirting with a co-worker at the holiday party. They claim that all men act like this, and that they’re just acting like “any red-blooded male.”
Don’t be tempted to buy this excuse. In fact, refuse to give it any consideration whatsoever.
A sex addict, just like any other type of addict, will always seek ways to justify his behavior. A drug addict may excuse his behavior by claiming his body “needs” the drugs, or that “everybody’s doing it.” An alcoholic may say that drinking is the only way to feel “normal.”
And the sex addict’s excuse? Every male does it. All men are into porn. This is normal. This is something you just have to tolerate.
That mindset is wrong. As a spouse, you should not be expected to tolerate behavior that makes you feel angry, hurt, and even violated. You deserve honesty, not excuses. But you have to be willing to ask for that honesty and to hold your spouse accountable.
In Rebuilding the Honesty, I introduce the Five Building Blocks for a Transparent Relationship. Building Block #4 is "Develop a No-Lies Policy and Reveal Everything." This can work particularly well for couples trying to fix the damage a sex addiction has caused.
Sex addiction is built upon deceit. If your marriage has been haunted by lies, you need to begin the cleansing process as soon as possible.
Step 1: “Flush the Toilet.” Look at dishonesty as if it were layers of filth and grime. The only way to rid your relationship is to “flush the toilet.” You put everything out in the open, being completely honest about everything you have ever done.
Is this painful? Yes. And, it might even finish your relationship. Telling the truth is a risk, but if the cheater does it authentically, and you keep working on your relationship, you will have a starting point of complete honesty. If your partner has struggled with sex addiction, this will help put him back on the path toward honesty. He is allowing you to make a real account of his character.
Ask your spouse to think about it this way: If the roles were reversed, wouldn’t he want you to be completely honest with him? Ask him to show you that same respect by sharing the truth.
Step 2: Commit to a “No-Lies Policy.” Once you remove the grime of deceit, you want to keep your relationship clean. That means being totally honest. No white lies. No omissions. No clever wordings that get around the truth. In marriages threatened by sex addiction, dishonesty and secrets are big problems. So, combat that problem even if it means “going overboard.” Each of you should model honest behavior by telling each other where you really went after work, or who was really on the telephone if the other person asks.
Make honesty a habit. This will set the stage for healing in your relationship.
During my many years in counseling, I have seen couples heal from the pain of a sex addiction. It is possible. But in order to truly rebuild the marriage, the sex addict must take responsibility for his actions. In next week’s post, we will examine ways to do just that.
In the meantime, I would be very interested to hear about your own experiences. Have you dealt with a sex-addicted spouse? Are you sex-addicted? How did you bring honesty and love back into your marriage? Share your story by clicking the “Comments” link below.
As always, I wish you the best as you work toward a healthy and happy marriage.
Until next time,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
p.s. If your spouse’s sex addiction led him to have an affair, there are a number of additional steps that are crucial to take. If you haven’t had a chance to look over my system How to Survive an Affair, I strongly encourage you to start with Phase I: Individual Healing – Understanding Personal Feelings and Sorting through Emotions.
We need more info on sex addiction
Dr. Gunzburg,
I hope you have more articles on this topic lined up. This is very hard to deal with and these have been very helpful so far! Thank You!
sex addictiction
I have never cheated on my wife of almost 9 years .never even touched another woman.MY problem is that I was sent naked pics of a girl,and from the same girl had sexual advances made towards me which i declined. and never told my wife about it ,I also kept the pics which is how this all came about .At the time I couldnt tell her why .but the reason was purley simple i enjoy looking at naked women (so does this mke me "a sex addict")We all ways had a healthty relation ship including sexually until a couple of years ago .I think she wanted less she thinks I wanted more .Anyway thats still on going .The reason I kept the pics was because I dont have a lot of control in our marriage ,which most of the time is fine by me but then I started to think that why cant I have a bit more say .so keeping the pics was my way of being in control of something .She always used to flirt so did I we were fine with that,She used to make sexual suggestions she still does but has never followed through with any of them.When our sex life started to slow down I did ask why and tried to re assure her that i could handle it she said she was working so hard then comin home and having to deal with the family .(I always helped out with my part). When she said this I thouht ok so i have more stamina I will do more to help. So for the next year I done almost everything ,Washing Cooking, Housework got the kids organised for school.trying to lighten her load .to which she responded "with thank you i wish i could show how greatfull i am " my response was simple lets have sex more freakwently the way we used to not just on a certain night which to me felt like it was a chore for her to do. nothing improved "i just so tired",ok if someone dosent want sex with you they should jus sat so .I still do more then my fair share around the house .but i have 3 questions. is it me who is addicted .is it fair that she allows people to believe we have a more then healthy sex life and lastly is it fair for her to tease me in front of people when drinking and tell me that some thing is definatly going to happen later , then find out that" Im so tired or drunk or i dont feel well now". Regards 1 VERY CONFUSED HUSBAND.
sex addiction
I just found out last evening that my husband is trying to arrange a meeting with someone. My granddaughter, 8 years old, was on the computer and the printer just spit out a copy of their e-mails. Three years ago he had an affair with a co-worker, they are elementary teachers, for gods sake. He is an alcoholic who has been sober for 1 year but now sex is his new addiction. I've had it with the cheating liar. I don't care what it is called, I don't care what the reasons are, I don't care if there is treatment, I don't care if there is "hope" for our marriage, I'm outa here.
gotta say it rings true...
it's funny, my girlfriend of five years sent me this article, I saw it was about sex addicts and immediately told her I'm not a sex addict, why's she sending it to me ??
but the more I read the more I saw unfortunate parallels with our own relationship. As I say we've been together over five years now and well, I've cheated on her with seven different women - I didn't even realise it was that many until I counted just now - its disgraceful and I feel ashamed, and to be honest I am still relatively young so I think that makes it worse - about 2 years ago I came clean with her and admitted everything, but despite a short lull, in truth my behaviour hasn't even really changed.
I know she has been so bewildered by it all and loves me dearly but is probably moreso scared of the unknown of us not being together. Strangely enough she wants to marry me but inside me I know I cannot if I cannot be faithful to her, and time and time again I have failed her. Wierdly enough none of these women have been better than her, and she is my ideal in so many ways, I wish I could control these urges, and yet despite all this it is she who is reading Dr Gunzburg, not me, which seems ironic.
She is an absolutely beautiful woman and I'm not sure I deserve to be with her, and yet despite everything she'll do whatever it takes for us to have a happy relationship. Obviously I realise now I am a sex-addict now, or perhaps moreso a woman-addict, and I really Do want to settle down and get on with life, but until I'm over this I can't. I don't expect sympathy, just being honest and hopefully we'll both find a way to move on...
Still the main thing is that its very helpful to find knowledge like this here, and even more interesting to read of others' experiences.
gotta say it rings true
That was very interesting and I am proud of you to take notice and see that you have a problem. Now that you know, what are you going to do about it? It wont just go away and you can't hide from it and she knows. You can beat around the bush and pretend that all is well, but we do know and once we get all of the signs down pat it is really hard to fool us. We put up with alot of crap because we love you and even that gets old after a while. You should not marry until you have total control and have been sober for a while. If you dont really intend to do the work leave her alone. She deserves better than that! I hope you do get the help and all goes well for you! We all deserve to be happy! Good Luck to you, you can do this if you really want to!
my husbands sex addiction
My husband has been taking graphic nude photos on his lunch hour with co-worker for over9 years and I just found out about it Dec.2008.She is married with 2 children.We don't have children.I have heard the same line "that's how men are.I have not touched her.Other men could not have been able to do that."That is supposed to make him a"better man" than most of the men he knows.He also said that she is not the first.So our whole marriage of 15 years feels like it has been one big lie.I know too that he pays for sex online.How do you deal with this?He will not admit that he has a problem and I cannot believe anything he tells me.He says he loves me and always has but how can that be?He will not be transparent like you say it should be.He says he needs his privacy.My health is suffering,mental and physical,but he won't see it.He will not sleep in our bed or have sex with me until I get over it.I feel like I'm being punished!
SEX ADDICTION
Can there be women sex addicts? Is a woman with burning desire and expressions for sex on many occasions and at any time normal? Does a woman who craves constantly for sex not ready to open down easily for unknown men?
Please can you also treat the sexual behaviour of women? What is normal and what is to be expected and acceptable.
Yes...there are female sex addicts
I've lived with one for 36 years. We were married less than a year when she began her first of a dozen affairs. Most recently she'd spent 3 1/2 years in an affair with my best friend....then decided to end it (or more likely he did). In 36 years, there has been at least 1/3 of our marriage where she was either in an affair or hiding one that had ended. Seems that sneaking around and having sex with other married men is a lot more fun that a stable, honest, faithful husband.
Do a google search and you'll find an increasing amount of information out there on female sexual additions. It is real.
What now?
Reading most of the comments here doesn't seem to offer much hope (from the guilty persons point of view). I never cheated on my wife, but I was "addicted" to porn, went to strip clubs, and did some flirting. This happened very early in our marriage and continued almost up until the time she divorced me. One interesting point is that it wasn't so much about the actions themselves, but it was about the lies and the cover ups. I went through a 3 year period when I gave all of this behavior up. Our marriage was very good. My wife, however, was still feeling the hurt and the pain of my lies. Eventually, she wasn't able to get past this pain (we had a few counselling sessions, but they didn't seem to help). She divorced me after almost 22 years of marriage. There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret the things that I did. I still hope and pray that at some pont in the future we can be together again, but I know that no matter how much I want something, it isn't up to me anymore.
~Arjay~
SPOUSE ADDICT
My husband is a sex addict. We have been married for the last 11 years and have two beautiful children. But he is never satisfied even if it means having sex 3 times on week days every week between working hours I make sure I make time available/convenient even if I am not physically into sex. It came to a point where most of his actions are all similar sentiments and excuses as your message. I am guilt ridden when he openly tells me I don't satisfy him. Thanks, I thought it was a natural human passion but now I realise it is not.
Cheers,
Sam
I'm that guy! I'm the cheater.
Last July 4th, my wife of 21 years discovered that I'd been having a sexual relationship with a woman I'd met is AA (alcoholics anonymous). This relationship had gone on for about a year and a half, and was over by the time my wife found out.
My wife, I'll call her Sara, had long suspected my infidelity, but found no proof. It was not until the other woman ended our fling that I got sloppy with the internet dating sights and gave myself away. You see, I was desperate, and like an addict whose heroin ran out, I simply HAD TO FIND ANOTHER; and quickly so I could get a "fix" while Sara was on vacation. Well as it happened, I guess God was looking out for me that night, because after a near miss with a black sedan running a stoplight, I went back home and stayed in. A few days later when Sara was home and I was at work, she discovered my profile on the dating sight.
I knew I'd been caught and I didn't even try to deny it. Sara was devestated. She had all the classic questions, who is she, where did you meet her, do you love her, and so on. I blamed her at first, claiming she wasn't "there for me". I called her names, I pushed her around, I even hit her. I deserved to go to f*&kin jail, and I know it, but Sara did not call the police or press any charges. She could have; she had the right, but she didn't because she loves me. That July 4th was really an "Independance Day" for me, and I'm going to tell you why....
Since puberty began for me at about eight, I've been addicted to masturbation. I tried everything to get it under control, until I finally gave in and accepted that it must be normal, and everybody must be doing it. Later, I discovered porn and of course that enhanced the sexual gratification I got from masturbating. As porn evolved with the internet from still pictures into high quality videos my habit became more and more like an addiction. My first wife and I had an "arrangement" which permitted us both to continue seeing and sleeping with other people, so long as we always came home to each other. Eventually she stopped coming home, and I left her in 1987. By the way, this behavior hardly put a dent in my habit. I still masturbated three or more times per week. Usualy with full knowledge of my wife. After a year or two of one night stands I met Sara, and after about a year I moved into her home. We married a few years later. At first the sex was phenominal. I began to think we might be hurting ourselves, or that she was certainly "acting"; trying to impress me, but no, it was real.
Of course, as one would expect after a few years this died down, but the masturbation remained strong. When we reached our 40s, and I started working nights, sex got more and more routine until it really seemed to me that she was no longer in love with me, or at least no longer interested in sex. At 48 I finally quit the booze, and joined AA. This is where I met Susan, the other woman. Up until this point, I had been completely faithful to my wife. Well, there had been no other woman; only porn and masturbation, but NOW without the medication provided by alcohol, I started feeling really bad about having a beautiful wife, and still having to masturbate. I began to resent her more and more. We had conversations; I hinted that I was feeling neglected, but I must have never made it realy clear to my wife that I needed her, that I was suffering.
When I met Susan, and she looked at me the way she did, it was overpowering. I just had to have her...I had already been looking, I had a few internet pen pals I was writing to, but nothing ever came of it. Then one day I just decided that Susan would be the one. After all, I already knew her, I knew she was interested in me, and I felt I could trust her, that she wouldn't start calling my house or showing up at my job. So I invited her to another meeting I knew of and we began the friendship that became an affair. I was terrified at first, and I even called it off after spending a few afternoons in her bed. She cried a little, which did wonders for my ego, but I still saw her at meetings and soon rationalized that my wife doesn't want me, so it would be ok to resume the relationship. So we did. It was never about age or beauty. My wife is a little older, but vastly more attractive than Susan was. In fact, Susan was downright plain looking, but she had that look that made me feel wanted. My wife mede me feel like she was doing me a favor. Of course, that's not the way she felt. It's the way I perceived it because of my porn-tainted views on love, sex, and women.
That July 4th was MY Independance Day because on that day, I began the journey to freedom from the bonds of masturbation and porn. I've been free of both since about August 1st of last year when I joined SLAA; that's Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Now, I feel like a king. My wife and I are in therapy, and we're working on saving our marriage. The problem is my wife is still in a lot of pain. It may take years for her to get the images of this other woman out of her head. We have a long way to go, but SLAA and Dr. Gunzburg's books and now this blog will be helping us.
Thanks for letting me share.
im that guy
Good for you and thanks for sharing! Its always good to hear the other point of view. It helps us understand what goes on in your minds! My husband is very hard to talk to and is not very open which makes recovery very hard. He works very long hours and we are not doing much in our recovery efforts and I am not very comfortable with that. The only thing we are doing is counseling 1-2 times per month, other than that its work work work and I think that is very much a part of the problem. The women are always found in the work place so far! Good luck to you and your wife, I hope you both find much happiness!
spouse's addiction
I have read the comments now twice, and see my marriage in many of the stories. We have been married 35 years, my husband has had 4 affairs that I know of. Like many of the comments, I too thought it was my fault, and forgave. It took me 4 affairs to realize that he is addicted to sex or women, which I never heard of before. The first 3 affairs, I accept and decided to work through the affairs, same story, spouse justifies behavior, makes excues, does not accept responsibility for behavior, master manipulator, (he said that I was boring, had no friends, the dumbest woman that walked the face of the earth) lies, loves me, does not want a divorce, started getting help, but has not followed through. This last affair was different, he had the affair with the same woman, he did on his 2nd affair. When I finally realized that something was going on and found out, he promised that he had ended it, but 4 months later, I found out that he had purchased a house without my knowledge, (hard to believe that I did not know), with plans to flip it with this woman. He had no intentions of telling me ontil he needed my signature to sign to sell. One to buy, 2 to sell. If this house was successful, planned to continue to flip houses with her. Also, I knew he had a separate checking account, never saw the statements, thought they were sent by email, found out that the statements were going to her house. I have been emotionally destroyed. He said he has ended the relationship with her again, saying to her that he wanted to work on our marriage. Okay, I believed him again. Now that everything is in the open he will not talk to me about it. When I think it is a good time to ask questions, he shuts down. This has been going on for about 6 months now. My question is why am I staying in this relationship, I see no changes, even though he says he is working on it. Any suggestions, why I am staying???
Sex-addiction
Keep asking yourself why you stay and you will figure it out. You probably stay out of fear, fear of failure, fear of what other people will say, fear of what lies on the other side, fear of being alone. You have a certain comfort zone that you would rather stay in than leave. Believe me, leaving would be the best thing you could do for yourself, to regain your self-worth and self-esteem. It is not as scary or lonely on the other side as you might think. I was married to a very emotionally and financially abusive man for 37 years. Trying to please him was such a drain on me and my self-worth. I finally reached my breaking point and we have been divorced for 7 years. I now only see him at our grandchildren's birthdays. He repulses me, I have no idea what I ever saw in that man.
Of course, because of my fear of being alone I met someone on match.com and we seem to hit it off immediately and we grew up about an hour from each other in the same state. I met him in September, and the next March we bought a house together (with my money) and it has been downhill ever since. I still try to please too much. We have been separated more than we have been together. He still looks on Match.com,. and he looks at men seeking men. He even wrote to a man once that I know of and he had conversations with some toothless whore in a motel room, trying to earn enough money for her motel room uses her toothless services. This man has never contributed one red cent to any of the household bills. I purchased construction equipment because he convinced me he could make 'us' a lot of money. Never has. If he does make a dollar or two he keeps it.
Of course, we both has children and his kids hate my guts, they are so jealous. He has called my kids the same hurtful names he calls me, so my kids don't care ot be around him, but they still come to see me. His kids won't come near our house.
The other day his son wanted to use the excavator and I put my foot down. If my son can't use, neither can his. His son has had it most of the past 2 summers. My son has never had it. So he called my the dirty 'c'.
Do you think I have had enough, of course. I am staying only to protect my investments at the moment. Of course, with the economy the way it is, it is kind of hard to sell the house, but I am hopeful.
Sorry, I have vented and rambled on long enough, all I really want to say us don't stay out of fear.
Stay strong and I wish you the best. I know it is not easy.
Kathy
sex addict
My ex partner, or partner, I am never sure which it is because one day he says he loves me the next day he acts like he hates the ground I walk on and nothing I say is right and tells me there is no relationship anymore.
On his friendly days he comes onto me for sex. The sex is degrading because he talks to me like they talk on the porno movies and asks me if I am f****g someone else and that he would like me to tell him all about it. He once wanted to make a sex movie and enter it into a competition. He wanted me to go to swingers dances and to meet swinging couples privately. I refused. He said if I wouldn't go with him he would find someone who would. He never did.
If I say I am not interested in sex he goes into off days and ignores me. I guess its the way he asks me too. No kisses, no hugs. No holding and cuddling after. He just goes to sleep.
I see the photos of the women who have sent him their private photos, the porn sites he is on, the dating sites where he tells so many lies about himself. I read what he wants to do with them and that they have seen nude photos of him and are now saving themselves for him, but need money before any more photos come.I wish I didn't know, but I had to find out what was going on and why he was acting like he does.He says whatever he does in his private life is his business and has nothing to do with me and that if he send money to someone that it is nothing to do with me either.
I don't know how to handle the deceipt, the lies, the way of life he has made for himself. I don't think I could ever trust him again.
Am I creating a sex addict future husband?
I am in my early twenties and have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. My boyfriend has porn on his computer, and mobile phone. I haven’t really had a problem with his porn because I know that he gets so much satisfaction from our sex life that he doesn’t need it. However we have a long distance relationship so understand if he was to use it to relieve some sexual tension. Am I wrong for thinking that? Am I allowing him to create a really bad habbit? I just think that I would prefer him to watch abit of porn than go cheat on me, and if I say I wont allow porn in our relationship then he would proberly just keep it a secret, and I would prefer him being honest! I have been feeling really confused because I have come to believe through everything he has told me and even guys I know, that guys usually think with there cock and that once that blood starts pumping through there cock there is no turning back! I have come to think that all guys are like that, and all guys watch porn! I mean most film clips you watch have practically naked chicks anyway..right! I myself am a very sexual person, and connect a lot with my boyfriend through sex, but after reading all these comments about women who have been in these relationships for 20 years and more, I don’t want to end up in those types of relationships with a husband, cheating and lying! He isn't interested in swingers clubs, so I don't think he is interested in being physical with other girls, but is my being so accepting creating someone who will only get worse if they get older? I can be a very vengful person and think that he knows if he wanted to sleep with somone else I would just take him to a swingers club and sleep with someone too. Not because I need to but just so we are equal. I think because he dosn't want any other man to touch me he dosn't want to do such thing. Please help. Thanks. Julia
Am I creating a sex addict future husband?
I am sorry to bust your bubble and I don't wish to sound harsh, but I used to think that my husband would never need, let alone want sex from someone else, he had access to all the sex anyone could possibly want at home. Was I wrong, because I don't care what excuses they use, I can guarantee that whether it is porn, internet date sites, (just a bit of harmless fun according to them)chatlines, phone sex, internet sex whatever, it will eventually turn into physical sex with someone else at some time. It gets to the point where what they are doing just isn't enough. You really need to understand one thing, if it feels wrong to you then it is wrong for you. If it doesn't then just remember this one piece of advice, keep your eyes OPEN. I wish you luck and hope that he never shatters your heart like mine has been, and that you never lose your faith and trust in other people because of it.
good luck
Joe palliate
Julia,
One other thing I forgot to tell you. I happen to be a very vengeful personality, also. I told my husband after he didn't want to quit going to the strip clubs that I would go to one that features men. He said right then and there that he would divorce me in an instant if I did. I just want you to know that even if they're doing it and know that it's wrong, if you were to even consider it, I guarantee you he would not allow it. Just ask him.
Creating a future sex addicted husband
Julia,
First of all, I'd like to say that you're not "creating" anything as far as he is personally concerned. He is what he is. Second, though, and this is to answer your question, I definitely feel you are creating a future that you are not going to be happy in.
I say this from my own personal experience. I am just recently divorced after 21 years of marriage and six beautiful children. The divorce was not my choice at all and has been devastating for myself and my children. I'll try to make this brief: When I met my (ex)husband he was already making the phone calls to the sex lines that speak to women and had many sex tapes to watch. Since I really wanted to connect with him I passed this off as nothing more than him relieving himself since he was single. When I came into the picture the phone calls stopped, so I assumed I was enough to take their place. This couldn't be further from the truth. I suppose I was enough at first, but he was a VERY private person, so I really didn't realize just how obsessed he was and would become with his sex addiction. Very slowly, and because I wanted to be his EVERYTHING, we began watching porn together. Although it was exciting to me, I didn't really like this form of sex for us and always felt "left out" emotionally. Eventually I became so fed up with it, I threw all porn in our house away. I would walk in on him doing nothing more than looking at a catalog for a local store, but he was looking at the models in the pictures in simple positions that you and I would see nothing in. He was able to see something, though, that aroused him. It was never ending. After 17 years of marriage, thinking (erroniously) that we could share something together and he would appreciate me all the more, I suggested after knowing how much he would enjoy it, that we go to a strip club. I had to drink quite a bit of alcohol to allow myself to do this in the first place, but going and watching wasn't enough. Soon he had talked me into doing things that I am ashamed of to this day. He also talked me into allowing him personal contact with these girls. The devastation that caused ended up with me in a suicidal depression. It was just never enough. Granted, he appreciated me more, even said he "had never loved me as much as he did then" but it wasn't really me that he loved. He loved that I was allowing this type of conduct. He ended up divorcing me, and I will certainly admit that I was drinking way too much at that point, being so unhappy and unsatisfied in our relationship. His reason for divorcing me was partially the drinking, I'm sure, but he also said that he "just wasn't attracted to me anymore and that he wanted to know that he was still attractive to other women." He was 48 years old at the time. There's no doubt in my mind that he's attractive to other women. I told him that if I could still be so attracted to him after so many years of marriage, I'm sure it was easy to be attractive to other women, but the depth of the attraction would only be superficial. Little did I know that would be enough for him at this time.
I am happier in one aspect in that I don't feel like I'm constantly competing with other women in an unhappy marriage. On the other hand, I'm unhappy because I truly do love this man and am no longer with him. I'm sure you've read other women relating how in their sexual relationship they were asked to "talk dirty" during sex. This was also the case in our relationship. It got to the point that it was the only way my ex could climax, and only through oral sex. We weren't making love, we were having sex. Completely unsatisfying sex unless all you want is the sex part of it. The intimacy was gone.
I highly recommend you NOT to compromise your position or yourself in any way. It may put a band-aid on the situation and you may feel that you're connecting with him, but what you're connecting with is his personal desire to satisfy himself. My ex was an excellent lover, so the actual sex was satisfying to me in every way, but the deep emotional part of our marriage that I longed for just wasn't there when it came to our sex life. I wish you the best and can only hope that your guy is different from what mine was. Take care of yourself.
By the way, as far as the children were concerned, he gave me FULL custody of them, without so much as asking for visitation. I encourage both him and the children to see each other as often as possible, but he only calls once every two weeks or so to see them for about two hours at a time before dropping them back off. I'm sure his "schedule" is just too busy to find appropriate time for them, and they are old enough to realize it and resent it. It's absolutely heartbreaking.
sex addicted fiance
I am having a real problem dealing with the love of my life, trying to get over his addiction issues. He has put everything out in the open already and promises to not lie about things. Yet the cycle never ends. When do you say enough is enough. We live seperately now and I do not want to make "us" work if he continues down this path. He says he is seeking help. But I am at a point that his words mean nothing to me. I want action. When can I know he is for real or just playing games with me. He claims he hates this and himself for doing this. Yet he keeps doing it? I do love him but not to sure he means anything he is saying. Please help
sex-addict
I am afraid my husband is a sex addict. He has actually written to a man to have sex with him. And he has had a conversation with a woman living in a motel looking for men to pay for her toothless services. He promised he would never do it again. But a couple of weeks ago he left his email open after coming home in the middle of the day and his history showed he had been on craigslist looking at men seeking men, casual encounters, and Match.com. He gave me some song-and-dance excuse about meeting someone in Home Depot that someone told him was gay, so he wanted to see for himself.
I thought we had a very healthy sex life, I have never refused his advances, infact, I usually doing the initiating.
I am at my wits-end and ready to throw in the towel. It makes me feel like he can't be trusted, and I am feeling very insecure. I don't like the way it makes me feel.
Thanks, Kathy
SEX ADDICTION
MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN ADDICTED TO PORN FOR YEARS, AT FIRST THIS HURT ME VERY DEEP. I THOUGHT IT WAS A PHRASE HE WAS GOING THROUGH BUT REALIZE IT HAS NEVER STOPPED. HE WANTED ME TO DO LOTS OF THINGS I WAS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH AND I WAS CONSIDER NOT TO BE OPEN MINDED. WELL HE WENT ABOVE AND BEYOND. THROUGH ACCIDENT I FOUND HE HAS SPENT A LOT OF TIME AND MONEY IN STRIP CLUBS GETTING LAP DANCES. HE ALSO MELT A YOUNG WOMAN THERE AND HAS BEEN SEEING HER FOR TWO YEAR, THE AFFAIR MIGHT BE OVER, AT LEAST THAT WHAT HE SAID. HE SAID HE WAS LEAVING BUT HE NEVER DID. HE AND THIS WOMAN HAD A SEXUAL THING GOING ON, SHE TOLD ME WHEN TALKING TO HER OVER THE PHONE ,THAT THEY HAD DONE EVERYTHING AND THAT THEY WERE GETTING MARRIED BUT THAT HE HATED TO LEAVE ME BECAUSE HE FELT SORRY FOR ME AND THAT HE WAS WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME. I FOUND ALL OF HIS DIRTY PORN DVD'S AND I HID THEM. HE HAS MEET WOMAN ON LINE THAT OFFER ALL KIND OF SEXUAL FAVOR, I DON'T KNOW HOW FAR HE HAS GONE WITH THEM. HE STOP HAVING SEX WITH ME OVER 5YRS AGO, I'M SO HURT BY THIS BUT GOD HAS HEAL LOTS OF MY PAIN. HE STILL LOOKS AT LOTS ON PORN ON THE COMPUTER, I'M TALKING SOME OF THE DIRTIEST KIND, IT MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH. ONE WOULD NEVER KNOW HE IS THIS KIND OF PERSON. HE IS 50YRS AND HAS HAD 3 HEART ATTACT, THAT'S WHEN HE STARTED TO CHANGE AND I ALLOW IT BECAUSE. (I HAVE NO EXCUSE) I STILL LOVE HIM BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT MY MARRIAGE TO WORK ANYMORE. HE SAYS HE DON'T LOVE ME AND NEVER DID. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 23YRS AND HAVE ONE IN COLLEGE AND THEY ARE VERY CLOSE, HE EVEN TOLD HIM THAT HE CARES FOR ME BUT DON'T LOVE ME. OUR CHILD IS LOSING A LOT OF RESPECT FOR HIM. HE KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING ON LINE BUT NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT IT. I WAS EMBARRASE BY THIS BUT THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO. I'M JUST SICK OF IT ALL PLEASE DON'T USE MY NAME, VERY UNHAPPY
Sex Addicted Spouse
Dr. Gunzburg,
I've found that my husband has a extreme online porn addiction. When I first found out he promised it was not a substitute to sex in our marriage...although the frequency of sex was diminshed...and he also promised to never do it again. That was two years ago and needless to say...he still continues, now he just lies about it. When I've had a chance to check his laptop I find that he's been online at least 5 days out of the week and for three or four hours a day. Sometimes this is even while he's working or supposed to be watching the kids. There is quite a bit of teen porn on there as well which I find particulary disturbing as well as incestual porn. We've been to counseling but I gave up when the counselor told me it's normal male behavior and that he sympathizes with pedophiles???!!! We've gone a month at a time without sex..not because of me...because he has no desire for it anymore. I have to argue with him to get him to have sex with me and honestly...it's leaves me feeling like I wasn't even there. He pretty much is more focused on what he's getting out of it and seems to care less if I'm satisfied. I know he loves me but he does not want to discuss this behavior or take responsibility for how it's affecting me. I'm contemplating leaving him as you can imagine that I feel like he uses the porn in place of being intimate with me. FYI...my husband just turned 50 and we've only been married two years so this has been going on pretty much since we've been married. I'm at my wit's end at this point and just don't know what my next step should be.
--Lisa
Affair or Sex Addiction?
My husband lost his 6 figure pay job to a job less than half the pay. I knew he was experiencing major depression & did every thing I could to encourage, pray, and support him. I went back to work to try and make up some of the difference. Looking back, we both can see that he (or we) should have gotten professional help.
At his new job, a loose woman showed herself very available for sex & he saw that as an opportuntiy to medicate himself & get relief. She flirted with him & gave in off and on for about a year. He became more depressed as he could not understand why he kept going back to a woman who was such a whore & wanted her to leave. He even treated her "like a dog" hoping this would make her leave, as he did not want to lose his job & his family over it, but it didn't work.
Each time he got his high from her, he was let down even deeper soon after with more guilt and remorse & came very close to commiting suicide becasue he could not understand what was happening & wanted it desperately to end it all. He, too, felt like he had every thing at home, like a beautiful wife, children, etc, but the thought of not being able to support and pay for child in college anymore, etc. & afford same life style for his family turned him into this sex maniac to cure his pain. He said fear and shame consumed him, because he knew he believed in God & had let Him down & his family. Honestly, it took a couple of years a so before I believed him. I thought it was all stupid & unexcuseable. I thought it was all hogwash. I said some very cruel and abusive things to him & he just kept coming back humble & willing. I kicked him out the house & let him back in later because of the kids, etc.,but while he was out, he still paid for all household expenses & told me I did not have to work, that he would get another job, etc. When I found out, he had already ended it, but said it took weeks of weeping and praying before God to end his addiction. He said the simple prayers did not work. He kept telling me that it felt like a drug he needed to survive the depression and anger like we need food to satify hunger, but he knew it was wrong. I did some research on sex addiction & depression & found he had all the signs of sex addiction, except for multiple partners, although he admitted he thought about it once when another woman offered herself with no strings attached, but the fear of having another one attached to him & the trouble he was already in, stopped him.
He said he never told her he loved her, nor did he respect her. There was low to zero emotions in the affair & he never complained about his wife or home life to her. He told her their relationship was just sex (period)& he did not love her. He made a huge mistake when he called her by my name a few times, which caused her to fight harder to keep him & take him from me. This should teach all men a lesson---that women who have sex with you on a whim like that knowing you are married are psychos with both spiritual and possibly physical diseases! He even wished she would die. He finally told me every single thing that happened between them, which led to him telling me about emotional pain of abuse from childhood as well. When he was done, he was done. After he dumped her, she'd walk around him taunting him to come back & he turned her down every time. She felt so threatened by me, she left. She would see me come to his job often & it would eat her up.
I would bet that most affairs are a result of sex addiction & not love, even when there are a lot of perceived emotions. The emotions are counterfeit emotions just for the married man to get his fix. In other words, a drug addict will tell you anything to get his hit & so will a cheater. That's why less than 1% leave their wives for the other woman. I believe it's the same for women. They are also seeking to "satisfy" something that was neglected or abused in their childhood brought upon by current stressors. My husband is a totally free man now & he is patiently waiting for me to be free, too. It's been over three years and he is so much happier. He focuses on God, family & then work. He does not take his 2nd chance lightly at all & I continue to fall in love with him again and again.
sex addiction
My husband was into porn before we got married and of course I never found out about it until after when I asked him and he admitted it. So of course he told me he would never do it anymore and promised me again and again he would never cheat on me. Finally after 7 1/2 years of marriage he told me for the past 5 years he had cheated on me with about 20 different women. It makes me sick. It hurts just terrible and I hope someday I can get past the pain. He feels terrible and wishes he had never done anything. He has changed and yet its hard for me to accept cause he lied for so many years that its hard to know if he's telling the truth or not. Yes I am still with him cause we have 3 wonderful children and he is a wonderful dad. I just don't understand cause I never said no to him for sex cause I wanted it just as much as he did but he didn't want it with me and I just couldn't figure him out. Why is it so hard to get over the past? I have had a hard life even growing up and he just made it worse and now to accept that he is different and wants a happy marriage and says he loves me is just all to over whelming for me to take all at once. I don't think men realize how much they can hurt their wife even by just lusting after someone else let alone cheating on them. We as women are very sensitive and need to be treated kindly with love. If only they could see the future of how much it will hurt us I don't think they would ever do it cause it just wouldn't be worth it.
Your marriage and mine.
I just got done reading your story and I cant even tell you how much it is like my own. Mine of course has some major twists to it. My husbands other woman was a good friend and neighbor. This woman was in my life on a daily basis, and was very close to me and my children. The other twist is that she was good friends with my best friend who also lived on our block. And she not only was sleeping with my husband, but her husbands too. As a result, she got pregnant, and just found out that it is my friends husbands baby.
There are so many other things involved, that, that alone would make a person leave, but I didnt. Like your husband, mine to was abused as a child. For many years. By a close friend of the family, who was a male. It went on so long that it lasted until he was late in his teen years.
I was aware of this for years before we got married. It was like the "elephant in the room" that never got talked about. I knew that deep down, it was a wedge that came between us, but was never discussed.
Now that the affair is out in the open, he has begged to keep his family together. He started intense therapy for his childhood abuse, and has been told that because of what happened to him as a child is what made him make so many poor choices as an adult.
My compassionate side and phsycological side can understand that, yet my wife and logical side say," for so many years he didnt make that choice, is it an excuse for what he did to me? Does that mean he wasnt aware of how much danger he put himself and children in? Why wasnt he careful? Is his addiction to sex that much, that I will never be able to fill his needs? Will he do it again, even though he knows it is wrong, and he doesnt want to?"
Please tell me how to manage being a spouse to a survivor and wife who is still broken and taking a back seat to a deeper problem.
Broken and confused
My situation is a little
My situation is a little different in that I never got to actually marry this man. He is the father of my second child and never actually was faithful. Three months in was the first time he cheated and I forgave him. He, however, has had a traumatic brain injury. In 2003 he was in a horrible car accident that left him in a coma for 14 days and when he awoke he had to learn how to talk, walk and feed himself again. I didn't know then or before then. It's hard for me to grasp the fact that everything he does wrong is to be blamed on this tragedy. I know the part of his brain that was injured has an affect on his decision making skills but I just can't surrender myself to the fact that possibly he'll never be faithful because of this tragedy. After a year and a half and numerous times of infidelity I let him go. Two months later he just knew he could be the man that I needed him to be and he wanted to be with his family so I took him back. Meanwhile he was still on the computer meeting new women, meeting them in person, etc. etc. etc. I found all this out a month later and let him go again. It's been seven months since then and he actually still occupies himself with one of the women he met when I took him back in. It's like he bounces back and forth between the two of us and he can't ever be alone to allow himself to get the help he needs to be the person I need him to be. He does actually get a lot of therapy. He sees a counselor & a psychologist and he takes medicines to supposedly make him like a normal person.
I guess I just don't understand the whole brain injury concept and I'm guarding my heart for dear life because this is actually the second relationship that I've been in where my significant other was unfaithful. Anybody have any suggestions?
Sex Addiction
How do I start..I am one of those women that found their husbands watching porno after hours and not able to make them stop hurting the marriage and their selfesteem, we have been married for 25 years not sure how long we will stay married anymore..he had an affair twice and lied about it..I found out on my own..he still travels a lot and I know I can't trust that he will not do it again..I think about having an affair often myself to hurt him just the same way he hurt me..I know is not the answer to our problem do..we have 2 kids 24 and 19 years old..I am not sure if I still love him or if I just can not leave him..he tells me that he is sorry for what he is done but I feel he sitll not honest with me about his life when I am not around..I guess I am trying to tell myself that everything is going to be ok if I just try to understand him..I just do not know where to turn or what to do my family will never understand my position and would want me to leave him..I guess I need some help..
Dear Dr.Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
I left my husband due to his kept lies from me that he had a sex addiction. He'd go to work, call me during the day all the time, I could go to his job anytime & he'd be there, never went out with friends, on his day off we did chores together, & made love twice or more a week, held me to sleep every nite, always showed others & our children that he adored me..., but when we'd argued he would hit me. Then after 24 years the truth came out. he was sleeping with women in massage parlors, & many other women for pretty much 20 years, & he'd lured women in his care then asked them to watch him masturebated..He was a gambler, & from time to time took Cocain. Now this is a man that has kids, & that adored him.. They are devasted as well as I was 1 year ago. I decided to leave him, because I feel in my heart I can't trust someone like that again. I have also lost my home, but now in an apartment trying very hard to find a job, as I have return to school. I truly don't believe this man will ever change. It's an illness that stems from childhood on my part, due to some form of lack of love. I want you to know I still wish him the best. I am now free to start my life. I never grew with him, as he kept me in the dark. I pampered his 4 heart attack due to his double life. He is very sad now, because he wants me back, but I told him that he made his bed & now he must sleep on it, & he knew that the end results would have been all against him, then why didn't he seek help in all those years if he truly loved me, or for that matter considered me his friend. Let's not forget that he could have given me a deadly disease. He never gave me a choice, & to me that's selfish. I clean my hands from this man, & I am beginning to feel happy for the first time in 24 years. Thanks, A~
Sex Addiction
I was married for over 33 years before I found out my husband was addicted to sex. We always had a good sex life, not as frequent as I would have liked at times, but always satisfying for us both. I never would have guessed it was because he was having sex with other women. If he wasn't at work he was at home - who knew he could leave work on his meal break and have sex. In 2003 I discovered a hotel key and my husband confessed to having had a one night stand with a woman he met. I later found out the counselor (who we started seeing the same day my husband confessed) didn't think I could handle the term "sex addict" so he hid it from me. I found out that one night stand had been going on for at least 1 1/2 years. She was married also. My husband was also seeing another woman at the same time - had been seeing her for 5 years. And there were many others, going back to about one month after we were married. One was my sister. His longest relationship was over 10 years. It took my husband 4 years to tell me this - a little at a time -and I am still here. My husband made many changes in himself and we talked and cried and talked and cried together and we continued counseling together and separate for all that time. Some days are still hard to stay with him but as time goes by and he continues to be my "new" husband I will continue to fight for our happiness together. I try to look at his addiction as an illness - and most days I'm looking forward not back.
Totally agree
You are a strong woman which I am sure many have told u. I am a young, highly attractive (only did I realize this recently) motivated and bubbly woman who has a husband with a sexual addiction. When friends and family found out no one believed it. I constantly took care of him, rubbed him every night, full body massage and all, cooked cleaned took care of our kids and his from a previous relationship. Also worked full time job, while he worked part time job which only paid for the gas in his "eye catching" vehicles so he could drive to see these women. He was told by friends that he had it all, a beautiful, attractive wife, loving kids, happy home and no one including me originally understood why, until I looked deeper. We had crazy sex and we enjoyed it. He would say that it was great with me because it always felt good and I liked different things, all the time. I realized that it was not a lack of sex or experimentation it was the need and rush to have it with different women and the rush of keeping it a secret from me, his wife. I got tested and am fine, and I have moved out with my kids, and have begun the washing of him off of me. He has disrespected me, and our kids as I am their mother. I feel happy and alive again, as it got to the point where I had no friends left. I am going out and enjoying life. We need to stay strong as individuals and if our spouses will not change then we know we have made the correct choice in leaving.
Hello
I thank you for your support. The sooner you put it behind you, the better you'll feel again with your life. He is no longer worth it. You are!! Leave room now for a nice sincere man, because believe you me there are many good men out there. Best to you, Alicia~
He/She
Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I am getting very frustrated with the constant "He" in the emails and blog entries. I am the "he" in my marriage and it's the "she" that is cheating and lying. Yet almost all of the helpful emails and blog entries refer to "he" or "him" being the liar and cheat.
It makes it very difficult to relate to helpful tips when it feels like it doesn't apply to my situation.
He/She
Hi, I understand where you are coming from, I am a she with a cheating he, but I felt the need to tell you that as far as what you are feeling it doesn't matter what sex the cheating partner is, the pain is still the same and that these days it seems that it is about 50/50 as to which partner cheats. So please take heart whenever you read all the he comments, because ladies are only speaking from experience and from their hearts. We all have our hearts shattered, and our hopes and dreams along with it. We all wonder when the nightmare will end.
My heart goes out to all and sundry who are going through the heartache of a cheating spouse. Take heart, and know that when you are reading anything and references are made to the sex of the other person know that it really doesn't matter what sex they are. They are all the same no matter what gender.
Good luck
he/she
Hey Fellas!
I have written in about my cheating spouse, and used the term "he" (because he is a male) but can completely understand why you would feel frustrated and think you are making a good point. If I blog in the future, I plan to used a neutral gender term. I have been so caught up in myself since all this turmoil began that it simply never crossed my mind, sorry.
Although I don't know what you are going through in your relationship, I strongly suspect that you feel many, if not all, of the same emotional ups and downs that I do. I hope we all start feeling better, sooner rather than later! I could use a day off this nightmare roller coaster ride that I didn't plan to get on!!!
Thanks for speaking up and providing a little perspective!
CE
He/She
Tell me, are you guys feeling the same ups and downs that are described in the books?
My husband tells me that he doesn't think he would feel as upset as I have been. He also thinks that he would have forgiven me by now (7 months - sorta. It took 5 months to finally get him to actually admit and take responsibility).
So, my question is this: Do men actually "feel" differently when they are betrayed? I understand that women tend to worry more about "emotional connections" and men worry more about "sexual" but doesn't it still hurt the same way, regardless of gender?
I ask because, frankly, my fellow really stinks at taking someone else's perspective. I also think he is still holding onto some denial in order to keep himself from feeling like a failure (which, unfortunately, I hold some responsibility for because I have, on moer than one occassion, really berated him over this infidelity).
CE
CE: My husband actually told
CE:
My husband actually told me if it would have been him and not me who had the affair he doesnt think he could have stayed?
So I think it depends on the man , but in the same sense he says he doesnt remember the other women its been 15 months and he says he NEVER thinks about her doesnt care to and deosnt even remember any of their conversations ect.. during the affair.
I just dont understand how thats possible because she works at his company so he even has to see her on occasion.
He/She
CE:
At times I think I feel more than a woman does/would. It's been 18 months and 11 days since I discovered what was happening behind my back.
I have yet to forgive her and as a matter of fact I am still unsure if we're going to survive all of this. Emotional connection is huge for me and the sexual part of it is a factor, but not a huge factor. Anyone can have sex, fewer make love.
There are still highs and lows and some days extreme paranoia that it's still going on.
It's even hard to write about it right now!
G
PS - I'm the one that started this topic.
he/she
G:
Thanks for the response. I don't see my spouse as a sex addict...just a cheater/liar. My spouse is very remorseful but sometimes beats me over the head with the forgiveness thing. I haven't actually gotten though acceptance. Every time I try to just accept the reality of it all, I feel sick to my stomach. I have lost about 45 pounds since all this started (now size 2 is too big!). I don't think my spouse actually had sex with any of these women. The big thing was via internet/texting. I think I will forever hate FACEBOOK which is where all this got started.
Your confirming to me that men experience the same things is reassuring. I feel confused and wonder if my spouse loves me at times because when he says he could forgive so easily. I guess that I feel that my love for him is so very deep and it is confirmed by all the intense pain. If I didn't love him so deeply, then I surely would not hurt like I do. Does that make sense?
I am praying for just one day, to not be plagued with negative thoughts and worry. So far, it hasn't happened but I can be in public again without having a panic attack. I actually felt like people could look at me and know what a sorry wife I must have been.
The anger is what troubles me the most about myself these days. I actually have urges to scream. I have to resist the urge to contact these women and their spouses so they can share the pain. How about you?
My spouse said what attracted him most to me was that I had morals and was an honest person. That I was independent and successful as a professional. That I would never lower my standards, especially if someone could be injured. That I stood up for what I believed in. That I didn't go bar hopping, sleep around, etc.
This whole infidelity thing has left me feeling sorta dirty...These paramours were, frankly, tramps. Many were unemployed, uneducated, unable to maintain any lasting relationships, friendless, and very needy. Some were desparate and have made additional attempts to contact him. Actually, I think that people who spend their time doing this kind of thing on the internet etc. are all pretty desparate souls. I include my spouse in this category as well. I guess it has shaken my self-esteem because I am left feeling like I am even less of a person than they are....competition thing, I guess. Do you feel like you are competing for the affections of your wife, for her approval, for her love and devotion?
Has she ended everything? Is she remorseful? Has she apologized to you yet?
CE
THANK you
OMG.. CE: thank you so much I am so glad someone else has the anger and the wanting to tell other people so the other women hurts to.. I thought it was just me.
My husbands WHORE sorry thats all she is, works with him and starting txting him sexual tx 1st and coming onto him when she knew he was hurting when my husband and I found our we couldnt adopt our daughter
(this is explained in my story)
She made him feel so wanted and needed and knew I was depressed and we both were devastated and when he talked to her as a friends she knew how to take full advantage .
The day it happened she invited him to lunch and , came onto him and the next thing you know they slept together.
MY husband should have said NO and he admits that over and over but he had never had any1 come on to him but me EVER we had been 2gether since age 15, until this WHORE we only slept with each other.
This women knew me and my child my 7 year old drew her pictures for her office I want to vomit ugh...
Its been 15 months , i want people at the office to know what a nasty whore she is BUT I cant tell them because my husband needs his job, his boss and the president know because she was a freak and wouldnt leave is alone after he ended it, you can read that in my story to. Sorry its so long.
I hope things get better for you I to lost way to much weight I was down to 106 pounds at 5-7 my 19 year old and 7 year old saw my wreck my car overdose and end up in the sike ward ,well my 7 year old didnt see it but he knew things were not right thank god he never saw it.
Lizz
Here is my affair story from another blog
This is going to be long sorry...
Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 2010-01-13 16:26.
My husband and I starting dating at age 15
(high school sweet hearts) we fell in-love at first site!!
He graduated in 1987 at the age of 17 and our plan was for him to go to college and then we would get married, WELL his parents thought we should date other people, we did not want to date other people so his parents gave him the choice of leaving me or moving out.
At this time I was all ready out of my house. I had left at age 16 due to my parents had a drinking problem, so at age 17,( I was 18 I am 6 months older) got our own apartment, we were young but loved each other and didn't want to break up just due to his parents. We worked 50-60 hours a week to make ends meet and I went to night school to get my diploma. We decided we would get married in a year after we saved for our wedding.
So April 30th 1988 we got married BEST day of our life's, UNTIL June 22nd 1990 when we had our 1st son.
We bought out 1st house in 1991 my husband had a great job working as a IT manager (he is a computer brain) we got pregnant again on 1994 ,our baby died when I was when I was 5 months along and at 26 years old I had to have a hysterectomy we were devastated we wanted another baby. So we starting looking into adoption it was so expensive we knew that it would be a LONG time away.
Things were wonderful (dont get me wrong like every marriage we had our bad days that' normal life) but my hubby came home every day he was a great husband and dad we did everything together we did 50-50 on the the housework on our son's stuff. In August 2001 we were building a house and were temporally living with his parents August 31st 2001 his dad shot him self in the head with my husband , my self and our son(11 at the time) in the house, my father in law was bio-polar and shot 4 times in Vietnam so e had many many ailments and was in chronic pain and just couldn't take the pain anymore. Needless to say this was devastating and we went through hell BUT it actually made us stronger as a family and brought us closer, we stayed with his mother for 9 months helped her get the house ready to sell and stopped building our home and found a home all ready built to buy. ONE good thing came out of this loss, we saved enough money staying to help my mother in law to adopt a baby April 15th 2003 our son came home from Korea he was 6 months old and we were now proud parents of two boys one 12.5 years old and one 6 months old and it was our 15th wedding anniversary what better gift could you have!! So again we are in our new home (well new to us) we had a pool put in we have our new son my husband has a great job I am not working I stay home with our new baby all is wonderful!! Well I start having some health issues and end up having three foot surgery's and one hand surgery we make it through but we get a call right after my hand surgery that my sister is in the hospital she had some kidney infection ( My sister also has MS) things go down hill from there a week later she dies, she was only 41 my only sibling.
Three days later my best friend (child hood friend of 23 years) her father dies. I am at the funeral I leave my cell phone in the van and my mom comes to the church and say your son is in the ER (this is our youngest he is now almost 3, he fell off a chair onto a lego and cut his chin open and knocked his bottom teeth so loose they had to pull them out, YES our luck sucks.
So this is now 2005 , my dad just got diagnosed with cancer my husband and I are trying to by a house with either a in law suit or close to my parents so I can help my mom out, this is very hard on my husband not only do we love our home but the houses in the area we need to go are MUCH higher then here . So we find a house and move 5 minutes from my parents unfortunately it need a lot of work but has more room then the one we sold so we decide to adopt a baby girl from Ethiopia , we start that process as well ,about 6 months after we moved to help my parents they end up moving 3 hours away due to the increase in electric here and their budget YES my husband was quite upset. In the middle of all this I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and have to start Remicade treatments once a month (at least the surgery's are now explained.
Now its 2007 almost 2008 and we find out that the fee's are almost doubling for the adoption of our baby girl and it will be $30,000 instead of $20,000 so now we cant adopt ,we had been working on this for over a year and had all ready put $6,000 into the fee's and they do not refund you any money. We were devastated it was like having a miscarriage all over again.
I starting getting pets I had pygmy goats ducks, birds, lizards, you name it I saved it I guess I had to mother??
NOW is when the BOMB went off the WORST day of my WHOLE life I knew things were wrong my husband had acted strange for a few months when my son went to pron in May ,he had got so angry at me right in front of friends he actually pushed me so hard in the stomach it felt like he punched me I cried for a half hour, my friend has known him 18 years and was even shocked. At my sons graduation he was real nasty and even in the pictures he looked miserable I came right out and asked him twice in that month are you having a affair of course he said no, then at the end of August 2008, we were moving furniture in the kitchen we had remodeled had brand new floor and it was really heavy I am tiny and couldnt lift very well and it ripped the floor we were yelling at each other and he acted like he was going to hit me and I told him get OUT leave
(well he actually left and took close his lap top went to his mistresses house and came back for his motorcycle ) I called him and asked him what are you doing ,he has been drinking that day and should not have even been driving he said you told me to leave and I asked him if he was cheating and that's how I found out on the phone. My whole world crumbled in a second the man I would jump in front of a bus for just shattered my heart into a million pieces.
I asked him to come home so we could talk he said he felt dead inside broke my heart again, I asked who it was and he lied about that to. I was so distraught I suffer from depression as it is so I was a mess I drove into a guard rail going 50 miles a hour it didnt do anything to me just my van which I now to this day still have to be reminded of because we could afford to fix all of it. He didnt even come home when he heard I did that , he said he would come home the next day. When he came home there were a lot of tears and I had 1,000?s which he did answer he said he was sorry and it was over and he made a mistake and ect.. I believed him , he also said it was someone he met that sells supply's to his work but not someone who works there( I knew that was a lie) I did my homework and I knew she worked there. I wanted to beleive it was over but I just had this feeling and I had to find out exactly who she was where she lived and ect...to top it all off she knows me, she took pictures and hugs from MY son makes me want to vomit and she even took money from us the bank raised money for a surgery she had to have and we gave money for it .BUT when I went to WV to see my mom who had open heart surgery in September and checked his phone logs when I got back he had been on the phone with her while I was gone broke my heart again...I was furious and told him it was over ,My husband told her he wanted to work it out with his wife and he loved me and he had not slept with her in a months but because they work in the same department he was still talking to her to keep the peace as he put it, NO WAY she is not talking to my husband for any reason I had all his email passwords now and she emailed him nude photos I was so sick and so upset thinking he asked for them because she said in the message you better tell me you love me again that I took a overdose of sleeping pills I hadnt slept in a week I just wanted to sleep so bad my friend called 911 because I wouldn't open the door and I ended up on the sike ward in the hospital for 2 days.
my husband and I were in counseling and when I found out they were still talking I flipped out and would not answer the phone he left work and came home and we went right to our councilor we decided we had to go to eh BOSS at my husbands work, my husband said he LOVED me and wanted me and if he loses his job so be it ,but she wouldn't leave him alone and this was the only way who knew to stop contact so I wouldn't be hurt anymore.
On the way to meet his boss this women actually kept calling his cell phone I guess the boss had told her she had a meeting with my husband and she was afraid he was telling them I answered the phone and she said put Barry on the phone you crazy bitch ... man I just wanted to.. well I wont say what I wanted to do but other wife who have been through this know what I mean.
So we told the boss and they had to go to the president of the bank my husbands boss has known us for 20 years so this was quite embarrassing for my husband and the president has known us just as long as a matter of fact he divorced his 1st wife due to infidelity. The president warned her not to bother us again or call or email my husband or she would lose her job. Ok so here we are my husband asked me to remarry him we redid our vowels at the poconos May 1st 2009 on our 21st wedding anniversary , we were in counseling 1.5 years , he calls me txs me emails me, never works late , if he has to work a weekend he takes our 7 year old with him so I feel secure. He tells me all the time how he would rather die then hurt me again , how he hates his self for what he has done how this mistake made him realize what he HAS AND WHAT HE NEVER WANTS TO LOSE!!
He even cry's a lot and he is not a emotional man usually so WHY WHY.. cant I get trust back WHY do I feel like he would do it again? Is it because people say once a cheater always a cheater?? I know I have done things in my life I wouldn't do again I have never cheated, but we all do things and say man that was dumb dont do that again. This was a 5 month affair they had sex once a month this was not a long time affair they never went out together he never bought her anything , she has done this before from what the people at work say she likes married men ugh... I beleive my husband when he says she came onto him BUT HE SHOULD HAVE SAID NO NO NO.. he knows that but she also knows he was married and should have never taken advantage of his weak moments knowing he was down he said she would just tx him sexual tx and jokes and he just assumes she was that kind of person HELLO red flag you dont associate with people like that , and NO he did not give her his cell # its on the work directory.
Sorry for the book we have been through so much I feel like I could explode I LOVE my husband but I feel like I will never trust again its been a year and 5 months and I still have NO trust....
Any one does he sound like he wants his marriage like he made a mistake??
PS: They still work together which makes it so so hard on me he has had his resumes out (he has a great job) and jobs are so hard to find right now and this is a stable job, she could work anywhere hers is like a teller position his is IT and he runs the whole department. We were hoping she would quit but I think she likes making me suffer.
He/She
I don't even know where to begin.
My wife started her "affair" with someone at work. I discovered it all in emails three months after it began. She swore up and down that it was just fantasy and nothing really happened between them.
I caught her again with the same person in emails two months after that. She swore that was it, it was over for good. Until I caught her a third time just five weeks ago. Yes, same person, yes, in emails.
She has apologized each and every time. But now it's all I think about. Is she still talking to him? Is it really "only" fantasy and emails? She says she doesn't understand why I am doubtful about us, which is mind boggling to me.
It's sick and twisted in alot of ways. He was recovering from eye surgery and couldn't see so he had his brother typing in the dirty emails for him!
So why am I still fighting for this? Some days I'm not sure why. I know I love her a lot, but lately I've been wondering if it's only because I need closure. She won't talk about it and acts like everything is fine and great between us.
Being self employed makes it even worse. I find myself not wanting to work and spending hours at a time just worrying. Even when I have work to do it takes far longer than it should because I am so lethargic.
So, yes, I am still lost and confused and hurt and depressed. I have thought about contacting him many times, but in reality I know that his goal is to split us up and I'm sure that him hearing my pain and anger would only make him happier.
G
And once you catch them in
And once you catch them in emails and tx or phone logs you worry about every email tx phone call...
It never goes away at least not for me.
he/she
G:
wow....you are going through a lot. I am really sorry to hear how difficult it has/continues to be. You certainly have a lot to deal with. Have you told anyone or do you have any support? Is she even remorseful? When I first caught my spouse and asked why, he responded by saying: I figured you'd be pissed but figured all you would do is "smack my hand" and tell me to quit. Talk about rationalization.
My spouse was also involved in the email thing and swears that there was never any contact. I am not so sure about that but what can I do? I do know he went to lunch with one of these women but he says he got so nervous he left without eating. This one continued to try to keep in touch with him until the day I answered the phone. I wasn't very nice, lot of name calling and told her that if they had any more contact I would ruin the both of them financially, publically, personally, etc. She was crying by the time I hung up. He did send a second text and told her to never contact him again because "bad things would certainly happen". Of course she is only one of so many I have no idea how many there actually were. I am hopeful that he has finally told me the truth about everything. How do we know? I don't think we can.
I think your paranoia is very understandable. I sorta think that we search for proof, not just to "catch them doing something wrong" but to also "prove they aren't continuing contact". I am always very nervous while looking but relieved when I don't find anything (if I don't!).
I sometimes think I am blowing some of this out of proportion and would appreciate some input if you wouldn't mind giving it to me, from a man's perspective. Let me know if you are willing and I'll ask.
You obviously really love your wife or you wouldn't hurt so much. That is why you stay. I really doubt that you stay because you need closure. You could get that by leaving. I will say, based upon my experience, leaving is scary, maybe more scary than staying (for me at least). It is very easy for outsiders to tell us what to do but until they walk the walk, they aren't expert enough to talk the talk. I have found the survival book to be helpful, although at times, I find myself angry about some things in it.
I certainly understand not wanting to work. I, too, am self employeed. The first week, I couldn't even go out of the house. It was hard to even get dressed and out of bed. I am able to work now but there are days when I just muddle though, unproductively. There are also times that I can't stand to be in the office and start obsessing and wanting to go through everything to see if anyone is pulling a fast one on me. Are you able to actually get anything done?
I bet you are not sleeping or eating well either. I know we should take care of ourselves first so that we heal more quickly but I don't even have the energy to do that.
Good luck till next time.
C
Sex addiction
Simply don't understand what you call "addiction".
If you are really MARRIED, legally, then you do whatever pleases your partner....that is a GOOD thing.
These things you discuss before the marriage takes place for the most part.
My wife divorced me during Christmas week, 07, for NO reason. No adultery on my part....
We were 'married' six years, last three NO sex!
Told her what I preferred and I'm a simple guy...love the color RED, so heels or whatever creativity she could muster would be a great surprise.
NEVER ONCE did she pull the RED crayon from the box.
Used a 'gall bladder' problem which was never attended to by the greatest health care system here in America!
It was only after the divorce, did I find her EX and the married military officer she knew for 20 years....and he was across town....
Life is still a box of chocolates...but suggest you DO YOUR HOMEWORK before the marriage date.
and definitely think those who dont' MARRY legally are just playing 'house'.....
...cause there is NO commitment.
Hi I am sorry for what your
Hi
I am sorry for what your wife did, my first husband did that to me.
I left him for other reasons then found out about the affairs.
Now I am with my second husband of 7 years and yes, we have had a few rough spots but for the most part we are happy together. I would never think of cheating on him,
his sex drive is way higher than mine and we are working on that.
your one comment that I need to address is your last one about those you don't marry legally.. my husband and I are totally committed to each other and we are common law.
After my first marriage, I would never get married in a church again. That piece of paper in his mind gave him the right to have an affair because he didn't realize that a catholic girl would actually break her vows and leave him.
Sex Addiction
Dr. G ~
Thanks for all the great information and advice in your email on sex addiction.
First, let me say I hope your eye is better. I'm consulting with a specialist at UIC this morning for cornea edema. It's been on going with erosions...very painful. I hope that is NOT what you have experienced and you are feeling better soon.
I have been in a relationship for 5+ years with a wonderful man. From the beginning I thought something was "wrong" or different about him and our intimacy. I couldn't figure it out. Then in year 2 I was on his computer looking for something and came across tons of porn sites. I confronted him and he admitted he had been masturbating to porn since he was a teen.
He assured me he knew the harmful effects of this on our relationship and what we can share...and he would get help. Our relationship has been up and down, off and on - for these past 3 years...with him never able to stop or not getting help.
I love him - at times more than I can believe. I would do anything to fix this or help him...but I realize it's not up to me. He has to WANT to do it and WANT to get help. He recently told me he does NOT want to get help, so we have parted again.
I'm trying to move on but it's very very hard. At times I want to give up and at times I want to keep reaching out to him and encourage him to get help and live the honest life he has said he wants - which he has NEVER done.
Am I foolish to think he will ever "get it?"
i have something to share
well my ex husband cheated on me with a girl he use to talk to before i got with him,ok see my ex husband was married to his first wife and had a kid he wa cheating on her with this girl she had him crazy for the reason he loved the way she made him feel while making love,she got married to his friend so they stop talking and lost intouch for 3 yrs his wife found out so she left him never got divorced,so i met him and had 2 kids with him,lived together and everything was fine untill she came around again so he starts talking to this girl again and cheats on me with her for 2 yrs i found out at last everyone new but me,his family her family but not me,so i left him and she left him too so now he back with his first wife,and guess what he still talking and having sex with this other gilr,they should of just married eachother if they'r all crazy of eachother,so she cheated on her husband for 8 yrs and he never found out i just hope he does so he can move on too cause she aint gonna stop having sex with my ex,they make love all the time and i think they need help.
stop sending me emails
Please stop sending me emails. I have tried to contact your office but I still continue to receive them. I am no longer interested in them. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME EMAILS> Steve Walker
stevew@heartworkcamp.com