Hit Your Rewind Button
I’m making myself miserable
How to Eliminate Images of the Paramour
“I have no idea what she looks like, but that doesn’t stop my mind from filling in the shadowy details,” Maryann said. “We’re struggling to work on repairing our marriage, but I can’t get rid of these pictures in my mind. My husband says I’m focusing too much attention on it and that it’s me making myself miserable. He just doesn’t understand, and I’m hoping for the day where I’ll go a whole 24 hours without having an image of him and her together.”
It’s common, if you are the victim of an affair, to carry around images in your mind. You have probably experienced this excruciating daily exercise in what is often fantasy thinking.
Unfortunately, it is a horror show. Instead of rescuing you, your prince is the demon. Or if you’re a man, the woman of your dreams—the princess—is the demon. Now, you are saddled with a fantasy of the person you love with someone other than you starring opposite the person who was supposed to forever be your sweetheart.
What form are your images taking? Here are some common possibilities:
1. The paramour is physically “perfect” in every way.
2. Your spouse and the paramour laughing over something witty one or the other has said.
3. Images of your spouse and the paramour intimately entwined.
4. The paramour in your home, taking over, possessing your life.
When you haunt yourself with awful images, it’s similar to the person with the toothache who can’t stop pushing on it to make it hurt again. Your awful images probably represent your fear, distrust, and feelings of betrayal, but it could be other concerns, also. So what I’m going to do is give you three steps that will help you eliminate those awful images that have been haunting you.
Living Nightmares
You see the images begin in your mind, perhaps like a slide show, perhaps one image, perhaps like a movie, or perhaps some other representation. You’re torn: you don’t want these images, and yet, a part of you feels compelled to let them play.
You may experience feelings of disgust, obviously with the spouse who cheated, most certainly with the paramour—and possibly, with yourself. You question why you can’t control this nightmare line-up of images from happening, coming unbidden with all of its ugliness. Even your sleep may be invaded.
Your spouse had the “good time” with the paramour, while you are being tortured and your peace of mind destroyed by images related to the affair. Those haunting images may be pulling you down into a pit of despair you may feel powerless to escape.
Emotional Quicksand
When images of the paramour play in your mind, you feel yourself reeling from the impact as you react physically, emotionally and spiritually. Even if the infidelity was a one-time occurrence, you may feel a greater impact from the affair weeks or even months later.
The recurring images can drain you, and then you feel more vulnerable and find the images even more difficult to escape. It’s like emotional quicksand, pulling you down into an abyss from which it becomes more and more difficult to climb out.
Initially, it’s going to take a surge of effort on your part. But step-by-step, you can once again gain back your power over the images in your mind. Here is an exercise to help weaken the power of the fantasies as you strengthen your own inner power:
Step 1: Create a Quiet Zone
To begin to gain control over the images in your mind, schedule a time for them to come to you. This may seem at first counter-intuitive, but you might find it empowering to have control over at least one of these occurrences.
Set aside a period of time that you can sit quietly by yourself without interruption. Find a spot that is secluded, where you feel comfortable and relaxed. This quiet zone will represent both the time and place you have designated as permissible for the images to come forward.
Step 2: Invite the Fantasies In
Once you’re settled into your quiet zone, it’s time to bring to mind those fantasies that are consuming you. Remember, the difference is that you are deliberately inviting them in, so you are leading the exercise.
Let the images come to you in whatever way your mind developed them.
Step 3: Manipulate the Image
When your image of the affair is clear in your mind whether it’s in the form of pictures, or a movie, or something else, you’re ready to play with it.
One way to manipulate the image is to take this elaborate fantasy that you have deliberately created, and play it backwards in your mind. Hit your mental rewind button. Most people find this exercise helpful in beginning to feel better. If it doesn’t do that for you, then stop immediately, and don’t use this exercise.
If it does help you feel even a little better, you can practice it a few times, going faster each time. The repetition will help set the changes in your mind.
This exercise has the potential to make a big difference for you, but it is still not the whole solution.
In my program How to Survive an Affair, I share more steps for eliminating disturbing images, including exercises that help you further build your own base of power. I provide you with practical techniques and advanced strategies to regain strength and peace of mind.
Images are strongly connected to feeling, which is why they feel like a punch to the gut every time you experience them. They can be exhausting. My system helps you learn how to cope with—and move beyond—the thoughts and images that are interfering with your finding peace and happiness once again.
My best wishes for you as you work to eliminate those disturbing images.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
P.S. For more step-by-step information on creating a new foundation of trust after an affair, please see my program How to Survive an Affair today. Inside you will find multiple key exercises that help you cope with all of the pain you are experiencing after learning of your spouse’s affair. The program gives you a workable, realistic plan to support your efforts as you take the steps necessary to heal yourself and your marriage.
P.P.S. Now, I’d like to hear from you. What are the images you are struggling to eliminate? Simply click this link and make a comment on my blog.
Re: images
I don't have to play fantasy images. I actually saw a video of husband having sex with her. Not my imaging fantasy it was real. How do I get these images out of my mind? My tape is real.
Images
Dr. I struggle with them doing everything we used to do and more, it seems he has more energy to want to do things than he had the last few years of our married life. I imagine everything is so wonderful better than it ever could have been with us.She has my life but better! My ex husband reconnected to his high school sweetheart who also was married with 2 kids he denied seeing and sleeping with her at first but I found emails and phone bills he had the nerve to tell me he had been in love with her for 25 years but never knew the feelings were mutual what does that say for my 17 years of marriage with him and our Son.
Images
It has been less than a year after I have found out about my husband's affair. The affair lasted for 'about a year' (conflicting stories as to the length). Her husband contacted me at my work and gave me ALL of the details. It was beyond comprehension and the level of despair, humiliation is the worse I have ever experienced. Needless to say, I am having a difficult time getting the images out since I was 'privy' to all of the disgusting details (positions, places, type of sex, etc...) I know her and she has treated as a friend...even though she was having an affair with my husband. So, I also have those images of her conversations with me acting as if we were BFF's. A truly sick individual.
Extent of betrayal more than images
2 1/2 years ago I discovered my husband had been having an affair during our 27 years of marriage, then I discovered that the affair was with a woman he was briefly married to before our marriage. This woman was a mistress during his first marriage and ended up divorcing him after 1 1/2 years because he cheated on her as well, whew, this is a very long and complicated story that I've had to find out on my own, because he will still lie to protect himself.I also believe she was not the only one! I'm still married to him, and he has changed his ways, not drinking, I've also insisted on his having a GPS unit that I can keep track of his whereabouts, he's done that, we've had 6 months of marriage counseling, he's 75 and I'll be 70 soon and I can't get over the betrayal and I distrust his motives for staying in the marriage...any thoughts on how to get past this will be appreciated! Regards, Mary
Still not sure marriage will survive this
It's been almost 15 months since I found out about my husband (married25 yrs) 4 month affair and I am still having a very difficult time trying to get over this. This is by far the WORST thing I have ever been through or had to deal with in my life. I don't know how to stop these feelings and images in my head. One thing a little different about my situation is that my husband and I worked at the place. I worked in the main office and he worked in sales, everything was good until they hired the Ho-worker from hell. I saw this woman on daily basis, she worked in sales and in office (which was a separate building) with my husband. Mostly just the 2 of them in that building. She was married also with children. They talked on phone during day, on they way home. I pulled up to his office on evening,(he was supposed to have left already) and caught them in the dark, I sorta froze for minute could get out of the car. A He lied of course, they weren't doing anything. But has since admitted they were in each others arms, that she wanted him to have an affair with her....The worst part is that he went along with it...and chose to lie to me. He could have stopped it before it started so the way I see it, he wanted it to happen. He says he wants to make things right, but this is very difficult for me. I don't even know how to go about forgiving him. Even now that I know some of what went on.... I just can't believe this man that I loved and trusted for so long could do this to me. I still don't know if our marriage will survive this.
Will I ever trust him again and loose these images.
It has been just over two years since my husband and I have reconciled. I still have nightmares and daily thoughts and images of her and him. His job provides him with a lot of free time out of the office and I constantly fight with the idea that he is with her or if not then who is he with. If he cheated on me once, why wouldn't he do it again. Why should I believe that we are still together for any reason other than it was cheaper to keep me than divorce me and my husband is anal about money. I work full time also, however I am not the bread winner, he makes approx. 2 times more than I do, and has no problem with letting me know that, he is college educated and I am just a high school grad. I was previously married and had 2 children with my first husband. My kids are 20 and 17. He and I have been together for 12 years now, and he was once a gentle soft-spoken man whom I felt I could trust with every ounce of my being and never have to worry about, once again I am a very poor choice of character when it comes to men. My first husband and the father of my 2 children was a lying, cheating, piece of crap too. If you can figure out how to make me feel better about having been cheated on by the only two men that I have ever loved, please let me know. I am desperate to understand how this could happen to me again, I am a good person who could never do this to another person, so why does this keep happening?
there is no affair so i
there is no affair so i don't need any of this information. my wife doesn't love me so it's that simple. nothing i've read from you has changed a thing. she said she's done. the end.
My husband also said he did
My husband also said he did not love me anymore and that there was no other woman. We just needed to be separated, but low and behold the truth came out and there was another woman.
Rewind
Reading what Maryann felt is exactly what happened within my marriage. I wondered all of those things. Nine months on, I'm still wondering those things, I still see those images. I hate that I feel like this and wonder if it will ever go away
it is so painful, want to make it go away
It's been 8 months since I found out my so called husband was having a 2 year affair with a girl 16yrs younger that him!!!! How disgusting!!!! And all along he played like he was a good nice husband and father, lying to me day in and day out!!!! This is the only man I've ever been with, the only person I've ever trusted. I feel so betrayed and hurt, it's just indescrible daily emotional pain and extreme bouts of anger.... I constantly imagine them together in hotels and her dressing up for him and them doing extremely nasty things together and his lips kissing someone else's besides mine. And I want it all to stop!! I cry so much and then I have such hate feelings. I feel like every day is blur and only God's strength keeps me going. I have such mixed feelings. It's weird, I'm so confused. We still have sex (I like sex alot) and he says our lack of sex drove him to this. Well, sorry I was actually being a good mother and spending time with raising our kids!! And sorry you didn't take time out to romance me, instead you romanced a hore! I could write forever.......
I've seen hor
Hor is everything he used to laugh at, and now does again. 70 lbs more than me - when he used to make comments if I were 10 lbs overweight - a real low life street hor - he knew hor was / had been having a 10 year affair w/ hor ex husband for money - hor said it had ended, but hor had money from that A (hor ex had been remarried to someone else for that time) to take MY HUSBAND out to eat, buy him gifts, make the hour one way trip to deliver sex to him at his job (OUR BUSINESS)and to pay for the 3 hour tour hotels they went to 3 times - and that money hor got from having sex w/ others. It is debasing that he'd have an A and betray me in that way - but to go with a filthy (literally - dirty clothes and person when I saw hor) person who was both dirty physically, mentally, and in 'housekeeping' then when I found out about their 7 month long affair and locked him out after finding he went away to hor trailer in the woods for a week end where hor took men, he moved in with hor, after hor worked off the down payment for the place they moved into - unbelieveable - debasing himself, and me. I understand that men Affair down and he certainly did - he even admitted that hor lost custody of hor kids for him, left hor pets behind and neglected everything, still he was demanding and not even nice, not even realizing where hor was making hor money from servicing others... and he thought he was 'special' ??? he was upset that this hor cheated on him while he was cheating on me, and brought home 2 std's as well.... it's been 14 months since Dday - and almost 10 months since he moved back home - so far the longest I've gone with out being bothered one way or the other from hor is 9 days - but it's nothing that I can prove with out hiring a detective..... I'm beside myself that he was even with a person like this - I'm sure hookers are cleaner - which he was with 2 of those as well.... I'm so beside my self still and still think about it daily even though he's doing all the 'right' things now - he wants me to 'get over it' I'm just trying to learn how to live with it. Not one day goes by with out it being in my head at least 3-4 times.... it's so exhausting and discouraging. To make matters worse, hor has things of ours still - knick knacks, a tv, computer, dvd player, dvds all kinds of things - his pet fish - ugh my motorcycle helmet - while we struggle.... It's so damned hard!!!!!