Healing from Sex Addiction – Part 2
In my last post, I began a conversation about sex addiction: what it is, who it affects, and why it happens. That post has only been up for a week or so. But in that brief time, I’ve received dozens of comments and questions. Many of you have dealt with a sex-addicted spouse, or have tried to overcome your own sex addiction.
The refrain I hear, again and again, is: What do I do now? What is the next step? Is there any hope for us? Sex addiction can be devastating. It leaves many unanswered questions in its wake, and it brings its own kind of mistrust into the spouse’s mind.
Today, I would like to share steps you can take RIGHT NOW to prevent a sex addiction from ruining your relationship. I want to show you ways to deal with suspicion in potentially productive ways.
Before I get to those steps, though, I need to emphasize one thing:
The addict MUST be willing to work on his behavior.
When an addicted person demonstrates a general incorrigibility – an unwillingness to view his behavior as problematic – there is little that can be done to save the relationship. These individuals think there’s “nothing wrong” with how they act. They justify it to themselves: It’s okay with them, okay with their buddies, okay at work or during travel, or “what she doesn’t know won't hurt her.” In this type of situation, the prognosis is not good.
For some couples, it IS possible to put in the work and overcome the addiction. First, it helps to understand the root of the problem.
How Does Sex Addiction Start?
Unlike alcoholism or drug addiction, sex addiction is not a psychiatric diagnosis. You can’t look it up in the DSM-IV – the official “dictionary” for psychological problems. But sex addiction IS like other addictions in several key ways:
1. Sex addiction is a compulsion. Sex addicts will do nearly anything to get their “fix.” Like a drug addict, a sex addict constantly seeks a “high” – the high that comes with obtaining a sexual thrill with or without sexual contact. This addiction often carries a financial price. As I mentioned in my last post, an addict might spend the mortgage money on a prostitute or rack up credit-card bills for internet porn. And it certainly carries an emotional price.
2. Sex addicts put their own self worth into sex. A sex addict might be motivated by thoughts like, “This is the one thing I’m really good at. I know that when I do it, I please somebody, so that makes me a better person – a more worthy person.” If the addict’s sexual thrill does not involve sexual contact, the thought can still be the same: In the fantasy the person thinks of himself as being really skilled. A sex addict, like other addicts, sometimes worries that he is somehow “less than” others.
3. Sex addicts devalue sex. This might sound odd at first – how can a person who wants sex above all else actually devalue sex? It’s because many sex addicts crave mostly the physical sensation and their own emotional feelings over the emotional connection with the sexual partner, if there is a sexual partner. Sex addiction might begin in adolescence, with “trash talk” in the locker room. It is likely that a man with a sex addiction began objectifying women at a young age. Rather than maturing as he ages he continues to see women as objects. Some of these men will try to reserve a different kind of relationship for a spouse, mother, daughter, or sister.
As you can see – and as you might have experienced – sex addictions are complex. They are also dangerous and can destroy a marriage or subject a spouse to unwanted disease, or even premature death. Let’s look at ways you can rebuild your relationship as you try to come to terms with your partner’s sex addiction.
Rebuilding Your Marriage After the Storm of Sex Addiction
A sex addiction is like a huge storm that blows through your house. It breaks the windows and cracks the walls. It might even cause the roof to come crashing in. But just as some people rebuild after a bad storm, you can rebuild after a sex addiction.
You could see this as the end of your marriage. Or, you could see it as an opportunity. Finding out about a sexually addicted spouse makes you want to take stock of whom you are married to and what that says about your relationship.
In my last post, I mentioned the Five Building Blocks for a Transparent Relationship. Today, I would like to elaborate a major building block that can be particularly useful when rebuilding a marriage following the revelation of a sex addiction.
If you’re dealing with a sex-addicted spouse – or if you are the one with the addiction – suspicion has probably blown up in your relationship time and again. But here’s something interesting:
There are potentially productive ways to use your suspicions. How?
Use Your Suspicions to Zero in on Problems
Suspicion can be painful. Even when you want to forgive your partner, mistrust lingers. Even when his behavior improves, the suspicious voices in your head just won’t be quiet.
In order to overcome your suspicions, you might find it helpful to create a “suspicion filter” that analyzes these thoughts. Here’s how:
1. Filter out unlikely suspicions before you act on them.
It is very upsetting to find out about a sex addiction. You may catch yourself wondering just how far did your spouse go with his addiction. Was it porn? Dirty talk in online chat rooms? Visits to strip clubs? Meetings with prostitutes? These thoughts can become overwhelming, and you might start feeling suspicious about everything.
If your partner is truly taking steps toward recovery and honesty, it is important that you don’t voice every single suspicion, if you can manage yourself. Instead, evaluate each suspicion in its own terms.
For example, imagine that your husband says he is meeting an important client for dinner. He is telling you this because the two of you have dinner together every night, and he wants you to know the reason for his absence. You worry that maybe he is picking up a prostitute rather than going to a client dinner. Stop a moment, and be your adult, analytical self. Is there a chance that he’ll be picking up a prostitute? Yes. Do you need more information to weigh the evidence? If so, ask. If you are still uncertain, your spouse could do something reassuring like take a picture in the restaurant or at the meeting room and send it to you. The phone adds a time and date stamp.
When you work to rebuild honesty, sometimes you have to extend some trust to your partner, even though recent events would say that he is not trustworthy. In the example I just gave, if you know he has client meetings in the evenings, and you know he is working with a particular client at this time, and have other facts that would lead to a reasonable conclusion of trust, it would be better if you keep your suspicion to yourself.
2. Confront your spouse when a behavior or issue is significant enough to make its way past your “suspicion filter.”
But what if the scenario is different? What if you find a pornographic DVD or magazine mixed in with his things? He might say, “Oh, that’s nothing.” He might claim that it’s from the “old days,” when he had a problem, and that he hasn’t looked at it in months. He might even try to convince you that it’s not his, but a friend’s.
In this case, it’s reasonable for your analytic adult to ring the alarm bells.. Your spouse has done something that reminds you of the old, undesirable behavior. Whether he means to or not, he is inviting that response. In this case, the behavior has made its way past your “suspicion filter” – and with good reason. Talk to your spouse, so that he fully understands his behavior’s impact on you and its negative effects on your marriage.
The appropriately helpful response on his part to your confrontation would be to make himself an open book regarding your concerns. Use your suspicions as a guide, but, if possible, limit your confrontations to situations that lead to some reasonable doubt. The more real areas of suspicions you discuss and resolve, particularly where he willingly makes himself an open book, the more you will be able to trust your partner going forward.
Above all, do NOT be ashamed of your suspicious feelings. If your spouse is a willing participant, these feelings can help the two of you find specific ways to protect your relationship and rebuild honesty and transparency.
For more about this and the other five building blocks, I encourage you to take a look at my system How to Rebuild the Honesty.
I sincerely thank all of you for taking the time to visit this blog and share your stories. Your feedback is valuable to me and to those who are taking steps to heal their marriage. As always, I invite you to share your thoughts and questions about this blog. Simply click the “Comments” link below.
I wish you continued success as you work toward rebuilding your relationship.
Until next time,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
new on this subject
My husband and i have been married for ten yrs and I have found and confronted him on several occasions on women that he has been involved with. Now I have been fortunate enough to have talk to each one but none of them had the courage to tell me weather or not he has had something intimate with him. Finally about 6 months ago i was home waiting for him to get home from work when i received a phone call from him. I picked up said hello but there was no respond but in the background i could here music. I said hello a couple of times more and realized that his phone accidentally called me. I first thought, Oh he is just driving home and suddenly I hear sounds coming from him. I sat back on my couch and heard everything that happened for the next hour. When the woman finally spoke I couldnt believe what i was hearing. It was my brothers ex-wife. At first i didnt want to believe it but they spoke about an evening we all shared that weekend. This was the most devistating moment in my life. I had my suspicions but this just took me there to the act. He came home shortly after but i had already called my cousin because i knew if i didnt get this anger out of my system I was going to go crazy when he came home. She calmed me down and told me not to confront him i was too upset and it would not solve anything. So i cried myself asleep that nite and the next and the next and the next. I waited till the weekend and went to see the women whom he had not sex but gave him oral sex. I confronted her alone and of course she denied everything. She would not confess, but she knew I knew. I told her to keep as far away from my family as she could. Now my husband and me have been trying to over come this and its been hell. I cant, Cant. He has not stopped he recently left his phone home when he went to work. And some women started texting him I called her up and she said she was just a friend and that she knew about me and my son. So why tell him she was there for him in the text. SLUTS!!!! I recently found a trail load of porn websits on my computers history and in one there was an adult friend finder. Its a site where you hook up with people to have sex or to have dirty conversations with. He has changed his email Password even deleted his satus on his facebook where it says he's married carries his phone in his butthole. Now he spends all day long on the internet in a corner of the room where no one can see him. I'm ready to leave him. what should i do.
this is for "new on this subject"
My story is so similar to yours and while I would not dream of telling you what to do, maybe if I tell you a little you might work out what to do. All the time your husband is continuing this life he is not part of your marriage. Unless he fesses up and stops doing this, it is pointless. If you choose to leave be ready not to come back. Start setting up a plan B for yourself where you don't have to return.
My story started March this year, after my husbands lap top crashed and he had to rebuild it. I was innocently looking to make sure our family photos were still there and found a couple of references to chats. I clicked on them and found them to be sex talk with women that he was asking to meet up with. They were linked to Adultfriendfinder so I clicked to log on.
At that point my word crumbled.
He had several secret email addresses and hundreds of sordid sex sites that he had profiles on.
It became apparent that he had been doing this in earnest for the last 8 years. The situation had apparently started as fun and escalated into an obsession.
I had watched my husband sit on his lap top for years with his back against a wall. This computer would come everywhere with him, even family gatherings and he would sit down, type and click the night away.
My husband denies he is a sex addict but agrees it was out of control. He had convinced himself that I didn't love him and anything there on was justified to him.
He would wait until I was asleep or at work and webcam masturbate with strangers doing the same. He would leave the house and park up to call or receive phone sex.
He denied that he had ever met with anyone but had constantly asked them. It was apparently all fantasy.
I found secret facebook pages and even a proxy site to hide these sites from his history.
He knew I had found the email addresses and sites and deleted them as fast as he could. He didn't know I had copied email adresses and I emailed a small selection of these women. Most did not respond but one insisted on calling me to tell me she had sex with my husband in a hotel and oral in a carpark. That one woman quickly became an admission of two and when the third emailed back he admitted to 5, most unprotected. All in a 6 week period, all met via Adultfriendfinder and its sister sites (Alt.com, Passion.com etc...).
The funniest thing (if there is anything to laugh about)is that all of these women were nasty nasty old fat ugly trolls. With the exception of the prostitute he paid for, these were not women he would have given a second look at. In fact he claims he struggled to keep it up for them.
Any how, I found myself screaming night after night at him. Even though I had shown him all the Dr. Gunzburg lessons he continued to lie about it all unless confronted with proof. He swears he loves me but thought he was in a loveless marriage and I wasn't interested in him.
After I ran out of questions I realised no more answers meant no more fight and I left with the children. It didn't last long and I was back home within two weeks but OMG it was enough to scare him. Suddenly I have a loving considerate husband who bends over backwards to please me in everyway (yes everyway).
I know there is stuff I don't know or assumed about his past. He knows I can't find anymore so is not forthcoming with any confessions. I decided to do my best and draw a line in the sand. Taking it day by day for this new 'nice' marriage I have. The first sign of old habits and I will be gone.
thank you for responding
First and for most i would like to commend you on trying to repair your marriage. I on the other hand i have no choice but to leave. This situation has spiraled out of control and I have once again threatened to leave and he is good with it. I believe I am no longer wanted here in my home.
He shows no signs of change and is too full of pride to see what he has done to our marriage. He is in denial with himself and with his family. I therefore have given up. I believe he as your husband did has convinced himself that I don't love him to justify his doings. He has now accused me of having someone else. If he only knew that it the last thing on my mind especially when I am trying to put self together after all he has done.
I want to leave and start a new life, but is i dont understand what is keep me from doing so. Yes i love him and yes I have tried to work things out but he is not willing to. So what is it?
Double Standard
My boyfriend of 2.5 years has finally admitted to me recently that he has a double standard when it comes to dating. He would NOT be with anyone if they are dating someone else but it is okay for him to date multiple women at any given time.
He has also admitted that he is an addict as he has had as many as 4 different women in one day. (supposedly not a current trend)
He has expressed to me that he does not want me to leave him nor that he wants to change. He would like me "wait it out" and that hope, love and patience will bring us to the type of relationship that I want.
Can a guy with this type of thinking change?
How do I protect myself emotionally without losing his friendship?
Double Standard
I am so sorry, you already lost his friendship. By him asking you to wait it out he has no respect for you at all. With out profesional help he will not change. Run while you're still healthy and STD free.
sex addict
my husband is addicted to porn and anything related to sex. i found out he has cheated on me with women he melt at strip clubs, as a matter of fact he had been having sex and seeing this one women for over 2yrs, and he been seeing another women also. one of the women name is poison i guess that is her stripper name. these 2 women fight over my husband.both of them are hoes working a strip clubs selling their bodies for sex. i could say he is a good man but if he is so good then why is he doing these things. i have come to the conclusion my husband hates women, some of the porn site he goes to would make you so ashame. he still sees these women, one of those slut, janice brown phifer he bought a 2002 lexus just for the nastiest sex he could get, now he is in finacial bind and is working his ass of to pay it. he say he can't get it back because she left town. well janice any day you want him , come get him . i trying my darnest to get pass this and when i do, i'm going to look back on this and try to figure out what has been my problem for so long and how could i let a no good ass man broke my heart. i have forgiven him and that is why i know now i can give him up to janice or poison which ever one wants him can have him. the three of you deserve each other. i feel sorry janice for your two daughter and poison if you have any children i feel so sorry for them. the three of you need to get a life and ask God to change you all, hoes, slut, bitches. good luck
It's over for him, but not for me
I read everything I can get my hands on to do with affairs, sexual addiction, and I have been seeing a counselor for over two years now.
I was married for 37 years. For most of those years I dealt with my husband's sexual addiction without truly understanding the depth of the problem. The affairs, the lying, the asking for sexual behaviors I was not comfortable with. And, no matter what the problem was in our lives he always said it was my fault. And although I consider myself to be an intelligent person, the reality is that I grew up in an abusive atmosphere and some part of me believed that to be true.
So, now he's gone. He waited until I had lost my job, my mother, and my health. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, he said I wasn't paying enough attention to him anymore and he went shopping for a replacement, found one, and left. He started seriously shopping perhaps 6 months after my treatment ended. Of course that one didn't last so he's now on #2 or is it #3 or #4. I can't keep track and don't want to.
What I have found is that whether they stay or go the spouse has to deal with the after effects of sexual addiction. Perhaps with time the pain will lessen. I read and I read and I see a little bit of him in every article. I fight to convince myself that I will be okay and that "it" was not my fault. But when you lie to yourself and accept that it is your problem for so long it is hard to believe otherwise. Logically I know the truth, but emotionally I still regress at times. I keep trying.
Re: It's over for him....
I assure you it's NOT your fault.
I am a sex addict. I've spent most of my life addicted to sex, masturbation, and pornography. I'm on my second marriage and after being caught in an affair, I'm desperate to save it. I never stopped loving my wife, nor have I ever stopped feeling attracted to her, but my addiction to porn, and the reward I gave myself with masturbation caused my thinking to become irrational. I convinced myself that my wife didn't want me or love me anymore just because she didn't move or scream like the porn stars did. Every time she was not in the mood for sex, I took it to mean she didn't care, and I gave myself a green light for more masturbation, and when that stopped working for me, I looked for another woman.
Now it's been a year, and I'm in therapy, I regularly attend meetings of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), and my wife and I are trying to put it all back together. I have not masturbated or looked at porn in almost a year, and above all, I've been faithful to my wife. Take care, and good luck.
Thanks for your reply
Wow. So great to get a reply from the addict. Your story sounds like that of my husband. He says he didn't think I cared, so he found and paid for woman that "would" (well in his mind). He is a successful and respected businessman and this has really rocked our lives. He is in therapy and so am I, together we see a counselor and our kids have therapists too, as they know almost everything! I am trying to heal, but it is certainly the hardest thing I have ever done. I have survived the death of my parents and cancer, and this tops it all. I pray for the best for you and as I do for us everyday.
Definitions need adjustment
Part of the problem here is the "BUT" in all of these cases. "He is a good man BUT he can't help himself".
This is the biggest bunch of crap ever uttered. Either he is a good man or he is a cheater. Not both.
A GOOD MAN knows how to make decisions in the best interest of his family and his commitments. A man who cheats, lies, decieves, uses family funds to further his sexual exploitation of other women and/or prostitutes, puts his families health at risk by contracting a sexually transmitted desease that could result in the loss of one or both parents is NOT A GOOD MAN...in fact he is just the opposite. All of these actions speak to his character and what he holds as the highest value in hs mind. NO ONE BENEFITS FROM HIS SEXUAL MISCONDUCTS BUT HIM! This is the single most SELFISH act a committed man can make. And it hurts everyone but him.
There is no getting around this...it is a CHOICE. You can call it what ever you want to absolve him of responsibility but it doesn't change the fact that it is his choice.
He HAS TO WANT to STOP. But why would he when it only brings him pleasure and no pain. Only EVERYONE ELSE suffers. His wife, the women he uses, his children, his friends, his co-workers and society as a whole.
He only suffers if NO ONE allows this behavior. And even then the suffering doesn't outweigh the thrill and goodies that he gets. Just IMAGINE being addicted to HERION where you get to feel good all the time and eeryone around gets to starve and loose their teeth and pay you drug dealer and sell their bodies so you can feel good all the time...who would ever quit?
He might lose his wife. But she is replacable...so this is a short term suffering.
He might lose his lover...also replaceable.
His friends will justify it.
His coworkers will say it is not our concern.
His kids will get over it.
Even GOD will forgive him.
So go ahead and forgive him (again, I'm sure) just get your tubes tied, use a condom every single time you plan to have sex with your husband and hope that one of his "dates" doesn't become more important than you, after all you deserve to be treated with disdain by your otherwise "GOOD MAN".
definitions need adjustment
Wow that was a mouthful. I would take it you have been there and done that. I would like to know how long it took to get to that point. I have been dealing with this for about 2 and 1/2 years and it is no walk in the park. I am stuck and having a hard time making that final step.
We have been in counsling the whole time and at times I think we are making progress and then something stupid will happen and it sets me off all over again. It is true it is a choice that they make and my husband said that one night. There is no excuse for the behavior, they wanted to do it. Its all good while nobody knows. It cost him his job and the respect of many! I have no trust at all and tired of being on watch every second of the day! I was in cosa meetings and there were women there after 12 years and still worried about what they were doing and making excuses for everything. I dont want that for my life and everything you said was so on point. I am going to read it many times over, I needed that slap in the head. Thank You!
COSA
WOW, I know what you mean about COSA. The leader of our group, her husband was dead and she still is there. It did help in the beginning, but I don't want to be like that for the rest of my life either. I have searched for a group of HOPE and can't find one. I hope for a HOPE group and keep seeking one. It must exist somewhere.
cosa
I went for a while and at first it helped me as well. I think it was a way to let out feelings and most understood,but after a while I did not buy into alot of the codependent stuff. I think many of the things we go through are normal. We have been in counseling the whole time and I dont think we go often enough. 1-2 times a month is not enough and thats all we are doing. We dont talk about anything and do nothing, he works very long hours. That does not leave much time for repairing the damage done by all of this. I recently found another site called beyondaffairs.com and they offer meetings for the spouse that was betrayed only. They seem positive and uplifting. Try to help you get unstuck and take care of yourself in healthy ways. I am going to try it. Good Luck to all and may we find some peace and joy in our lives again soon!
Loss
I found out about 18 months ago that my husband of more than 20 years has had multiple affairs (or flings as he calls them) - I am not sure how many but at least 5 of them were with friends or acqaintances of mine which somehow makes it all so much worse if that is possible. He also as it turned out brought into our home some of the women he was involved with and introduced them as people he thought I would like - some of them became quite friendly and I helped them with issues in their lives etc. I just find this inexplicable. I have been called by a couple of them to apologise to me - they say he always told them he adored his wife and that this was nothing to do with his marriage. We had a great sex life also! I had always thought I was extremely lucky in my marriage. We were friends, he was kind, considerate and loving, not only to me but to our two sons and his mum and family. Other women I knew used to say if only they could find someone like him! We did not get married young and both had had many lovers before - but I believed we had committed to each other and NEVER suspected he was doing anything. In fact I was certain that if he ever did have an affair (which I know is so common in a long marriage) that his integrity and general principals would mean that he would struggle so with guilt that I would know. I turned out to be very wrong about his ability to hide things, and also very wrong about certain close (I thought) girlfriends. This has been so devastating. We immigrated years ago to another country and I have no family of my own here - my close girlfriends are/were so important to me. They took the place of my sister who passed away and of family that I no longer have!! We had (I thought) total trust in each other. We are still together because we still care for each other and he has completely admitted everything and gone with me to counselling for the past 18 months. However - I am not sure if I will be able to trust him again - and I dont enjoy being a suspicious woman - which I have never been. I also feel very unsure of my own judgement now - since I was so wrong about him and also my own friends. The world seems a quite uncertain place now. He is doing everything he can to show me that he is a changed person - and he certainly suffered terribly when he saw how my knowledge of what he had done affected me. I think he is sincere. But I guess what I wonder is if....like any compulsion...you can simply stop by an effort of will. I am not sure if I am willing to take that chance - and sometimes I dont know if I still have enough respect and or love left to stay with him for the rest of my life. This is something that makes me very sad - as he is a good and decent person and we get on so well - were it not for this I think we would have been together forever. I feel that I have lost so much through his behaviour - I have lost my trust in him, I have lost friends, and I have lost confidence in my own judgement of people. I just dont know how to recover. I also know that if I dont our marriage has absolutely no chance of surviving. I feel that pretending to be one thing while behaving in a totally different way is just enexplicable to me. Our counsellor said he is a type of addict...I suppose that may be so...but we still can choose our behaviour cant we?
Anonymous
loss
just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going thru, as I to am going thru the same. Your life sounds just like mine. I have been married 18 yrs and have 3 children. Found out that my husband has had another affair-this is his third.Other than him having affairs he has been a great husband. I don't understand how you can love someone and yet be w/soemone else. With this being the thrd time it has been so hard on me. Soemtimes I don't think I have enough love left and certainly have no respect for him, but I do love him. He is trying to prove to me that he has changed - but sometimes I think it is too late and other days I just don't know. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and wish you the best.
Loss
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but it sounds like your husband is really trying to make an effort and for that... it is proof that he feels guilt/remorse for what he has done!!! That is more than what most other men are willing to do. Your man still loves you alot and if you are willing,give him another chance, but set ground rules, no female friends being one of them!! then you should be able to rebuild your trust, but as you know that will take alot of time?? I wish you the best for your future and dont forget we all make mistakes, it's wether were man enough to learn from them!
cheating
I found out my fiance set up a meeting and had sex with an ex-girlfriend and another couple, when i confronted him he said it was a mistake and would not happen again but then the website he was using has now been "'hidden" on the computer and he changed his passwords so that i am no longer able to read our mail unless he logs in. said he is not doing anything but i am suspicious, he also had soliceted other women to meet for coffee to see if they had potential chemistry. he denies he is still having contact and that he did not meet any other women other than this one time. how do I know for sure?
Trust... and a scorpion....
Before you make your vow to love, honor, protect and obey... stop and think...it's important that you know your vows are about your integrity not his worthiness. Do not, please, do not enter into a commitiment with a man you don't trust. If you do make that choice you are going to enter that hell with your eyes wide open and you will not have a basis for leaving later (and keeping your integrity) if you knew what you were getting into and still made those vows. In addition, it's sad to say, you will also be giving your fiance very little respect. To marry him at this point is to (in effect) tell him that you think he can do no better withhis behavior. There is a fable about a frog and a scorpion (who asked to be carried across a stream)... as those both drowned the scorpion uttered, "Why are you surprized that I stung you... you knew what i was when i got on you back". The last curse... (I have discovered) my wife married me and has neve trusted me because of things that happened before I ever met her... nothing I do has ever earned her trust since it is something that I never had... don't put him in a non-redeemable situation. Wait till you trust him or don't marry him...
Cheating
I have been in your shoes. My husband was so good at lying, he could convince you of anything, by the time he was finished with you , you would have to wonder if YOU were in fact crazy. I tell you, there are spy programs, key loggers for your computer which If I were you, I would use to find out his password and read his emails etc. If he is up to nothing, then he has no worries right? I can also say that it wont matter what you do or say unless you are willing to walk out that door once you have confirmed your suspicions, otherwise it is a waste. Once I found my husband cheating..and believe me he denied it and would even get totally angry at me for bringing up any suspicions. He just got better at hiding things, I finally walked, he had her moved into our house in less than a week. What a Man, we also had great sex and what I thought was a great life but as I can see, he has a pattern of never being satisfied and this is his problem not mine. GET out of denial, get some proof if you need to and get out, find someone who is worth your time.
Cheating
Your fiance sounds a lot like me. I've been a sex addict for decades, addicted to porn, masturbation, and promiscuious sex. I continued with this behavior through my first and into my second marriage, even with dozens of one night stands in between. It doesn't go away; not without help. Your fiance's locking the computer or changing passwords should send red flags a mile high! This man is STILL LYING to you. I know because when I was active, I'd have done the same thing. Unless he's hiding something, he has no reason to block your access to the computer. If you haven't tied the knot yet, I would suggest running. If you have, or if you feel you need to work with this guy, get ready for a lot of pain. I strongly suggest a 12 step program like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. SLAA, along with Dr G's books, has done wonders for me and my wife.
You don't know and I can
You don't know and I can tell you from firsthand experience, he is likely still seeing other people or at least trying to. It is only when he can be open with everything, when his life is an open book, that you will know for sure that things are going the right direction.
please talk more!
Please talk more! You sound like a 'healed' addict. It would be great for us all to hear about any aspect of your experience - before or after.
I love your article/s.. Very
I love your article/s.. Very interesting indeed.
Sexual addiction article
Dr. Gunzburg,
I just read your article. This addiction has destroyed my relationship with the constant lies and betrayal from my significant other. The amount of deception has overwhelmed me and I am sick thinking about it. He is a liar and a cheat. He can look me in the eye and deny what I KNOW to be facts. I am amazed at your statements that this can be overcome because I can not see it ever happening. He lies about what he does, he lies when confronted, he lies when he KNOWS that I know the truth, without skipping a beat. I found out he is going to internet porn site chat room to set up "dates" so I went on to one pretending to be someone else. With very little encouragement, not only did he set up a date, an encounter with no doubt to what would happen on this date, he talked such trash about me that I was shocked. He freely discussed our life and our sexual interaction. He, surprisingly, was not dissatisfied with our love life, just with me. I was beyond hurt. I confronted him, with copies of our correspondence and he still lied and tried to deny this was him....with his picture on the site!
I believe that the only way to even contemplate fixing anything would be if he admitted he has a problem. I have since discovered in the course of one four day weekend, he slept with six other women besides me. I think we are done and over!
Perplexed at the Magnitude of Deception
RE: Unrepentant
Dear Perplexed:
I think Dr. Gunzburg answered it when he mentioned that the other spouse had to be willing to work on it. I too was overwhelmed by my previously-honest spouse's ability to lie. You must understand addicts become wildly manipulative, deceptive, and fantastic liars. Stop being apalled, but leave him. He sounds like he is heavily ensconced in sexual addiction. You cannot save him. He will bring back something likd AIDS and ruin your life, as well as your emotions. Leave him forever. Never take him back. If he continues to go downhill, he will contract a number of diseases, none of which you want to get. He will go downhill. I"m sorry you're having to deal with this; I did too, and it is horrible! He's going to go through hell anyway before it's over because the thrills never last. Let him go it alone. The only things addicts understand is consequence and loss, similar to a little kid. Blessings and Peace to you. You deserve a man. Love, Naomi
Liars lie period
You will not find anything worth knowing if you continue with him. Get your life on track decent people do not sleep with multiple people. Continue with a liar and your own life becomes a lie.
Liars Lie
You are absolutely right. I found out my wife had multiple affairs 2x and I forgave her and tried to work through it only to find out she never stopped. I eventually found out she was having men she met on the internet over to the house for sex while the kids were sleeping and she gave me herpes!
Get out! Get out! Get away from these sleazy people!
RE: Liars Lie
I'm so sorry! You are so right. The people my ex-husband hangs out now with are sleaze bags and have all slept around. I would rather be well away from that and above it. Addicts have no thought of anything but themselves and are usually very narcissistic people - and yes, they also pose a serious health risk. I hate that she did that to you. Congratulations to you for letting go. My hat's off to you.
--Naomi
sex addiction
I would like to start by saying that all the poeple that still hang around disturbed people, like sex addicts desreve a medal of patience and courage and what ever else comes with them.
I have been married for 32 years and the past 5 years I discovered that my husband fucks around. (Forgive my language, I am still mad). He is a liar and a cheater. We have three children and he does not even respect them. We had so many fights and in the begining he denied everything than admitted and now denied again.
He tricks me. He had stopped for several months and I had to go out of the country but I had him followed. He slept with prostitutes and left my kids at 4:00 am at night to wonder ther streets were prostitutes and hookers hang out I confronted him but did not give myself away for one reason I will surprise him one day. I will tell him I will go out of town to my brother and just hide to catch him in the act.
I know this is terrible but he is a liar and we had so many fights that I am scared for a std.
I do not know what to do any more. He is a good man |BUT!!!
Extramaritial Affair
After reading these articles it seems that mostly to all men are the culprit. What about Wives who committ to these act also. My wife of 20 yrs & I were supposedly happy until I found out that she was in an explicit affair with another married man. we have 3 kids together. I'm trying to cope with the pain but she claims to feel the same love for both of us. We been through counseling and the therapist said that she was infatuated but my wife begs to differ. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
Dear Angry
You have every right to be; catch him, nail him, and keep him away from your children. He is putting you and the children in danger (health wise and just safety wise). He needs help; he deserves to be in jail. Isn't prostitution illegal? Nail his ass. Also, he used to be a decent man; you can just forget that man he used to be. My husband was also sweet, intelligent, sensitive, and charming. Believe me, he has become his addiction. Just forget that this person hidden away exists and deal with the darkness which has overcome him and fight it like you would a robber or an intruder, because he will steal and ruin your very life. Forget the man you loved and stop looking for him and fight for your family! If he comes back, it will only be after a long while and after he has really fallen flat on his face. He sounds like he is completely overcome by sexual impulses and has no control. . . . . Please don't sleep with him again. I did and got something and regret it very much. I had never (actually slept) with a man before my husband and am a strong Christian. He did not respect my purity or integrity. Now I got something from my own husband. That is the fact that ticks me off the worse. He will mess your life up seriously!
Take care
One Too Many Chances
pregnant and cheated on
I cant believe there are others out there that are going through the same thing. I am five months pregnant, and found out my husband has been on line dating for quit some time. He has posted pictures of me without my permission, taken other woman out on dates, taken pictures of them, and the lies...oh the lies, and of course by his word he has never slept with anyone but me. I never knew anyone that could lie and so good. Even when I have hard evidence he still lies and then I get the I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, and no there is nothing else. And then I find something else. I already have two children from a first marriage that ended in tragedy from the loss of my husband and now this. My current husband has so many people fooled, oh he is so sweet, nice, don't know what to do. I have never been so lost in my life. He wants me to sleep with other men so he can watch, he wants to sleep with other men's wives, I am disgusted that adults can act like this with no regard to their significant other. And to boot he gave me HPV while pregnant and stated I must have gotten it from someone other than him. WHAT....WHAT....how do I get out of this. I feel so alone, so depressed, and unable to function except just enough to take care of my children. Please help.
pregnant and cheated on
I have been married almost 25 yrs and my husband has tried all of the same things you have mentioned and the swinger club,which I went to a couple of times knowing I would never do anything with these slobs. I wanted to see how far he would take it and if I was willing he would have done anything. It was not long after that I realized that I was dealing with an addiction. I was still reeling with pain,hurt ,denial and a broken heart when he had all of these nice ideas. It was devastating. I still don't know what I am doing here now. I will say that things have improved, but I dont trust him and I may never. I am still on the fence, stuck so to speak and think often of leaving. I can't get past alot of the things that went on. Oh and the affairs, can't leave out that! I read your blog and the first thing that came to my mind was leave him before you invest 20 years and still putting up with this bs. I have no room to talk I know thats what my friends and family are thinking and the sad thing about it is I am too! There is no easy answer and it sucks! I hope you find an answer soon and be good to yourself, someone has to and it may as well be you!
Sexual Addict
My heart goes out to you, I have been in a similar situation, found my husband who lost his job, sitting on the computer the whole day. I bought a program Inspector Pro to see what he was doing and was shocked to see at which kind of porn he was watching and swingers sites that he created with pictures that we have taken of ourselves for our own pleasure, without me knowing that he was posting them on the internet. He created profiles that we are both bi-sexual, which I am not. Eventually after talking a lot about this I thought I would meet him halfway and agreed that we can cam and share some pics with people if that only stayed in the privacy of our own home. He started presurizing me to meet with people, or couples, or to go to swingers clubs which I refused. I then discovered a contact magazine in his drawer, followed up on his cellphone itimized billing checked his phone and to my shock realized that he was texting a she-male and tried to meet up with it!! Apart from this he is also an alcoholic and was verbally and physically abusing me. It came to a point were my adult son was sleeping over at our house heard him abusing me and beating my husband (not his father) We got him out of the house and after two weeks he is back again, went for an antibooze implant so the drinking has stopped and hopefully the abuse as well, but I don't think I can ever trust him again. To me having contact either by e-mails, or texting it is still cheating if you get sexual arousal from somewhere else than your spouse. My children are so dissappointed with me for taking him back and acuse me of suffering from battered woman syndrome. This is my fourth marraige and all my previous partners where verbally abuse towards me as was my biological mother who also physically abused me. She died when I was 20, and it seems like I have had this sick pattern my whole life. I know I must get out, but the shame of getting divorced again and being lonely at the age of 53 is freightening. I am seeing a psychologist now and hopefully I will heal enough to have the courage to kick him out, unless he changes drastically. But the point is can a man really change?
Pittsburgh's leguia
Dear Pregnant and cheated on...
I read your post and my heart breaks for you. I was in exactly the same situation one year ago this month. I was 4.5 months pregnant with my first child and came home to find a computer full of emails between my husband of 14 years and his lover. Not only did he have a lover, but they were corresponding with another couple that they had recently met up with in a hotel room for a tryst. My husband and his lover shared a website together where they advertised themselves as looking for other individuals and couples for sex. They posted photos of themselves on the site, having sex. This all going on, while I was pregnant, and of course having unprotected sex with him. This had been going on for two years. After I found out, he indicated he wanted to work things out with me...he said it was just something that had gotten out of control, he was glad I found out, he wanted it to be over. I believed him. I wanted more than ever for this marriage to work out. To have the perfect family..I did everything I possibly could to save our relationship. He stopped this behaviour for merely weeks before he was back at it again. I begged him to attend counselling with me. I told him I was committed to working through this together...that I was willing to look at all aspects of our relationship, to try to overcome this. He attended the counselling and artfully lied. He freely admits he said whatever he thought the counsellor wanted to hear. I was so afraid of being alone, I was ashamed of the situation I found myself in. I wanted to move forward and pretend it didn't happen.
We stayed together until 8 weeks after the birth of our daughter. I regret with all my heart that I continued on in the relationship as long as I did. I regret that it took me so long to look in the mirror and see that I was worth so much more than that. That it wasn't me, that it wasn't my fault. I regret that I allowed him the opportunity to be in the delivery room with me when our daughter was born. He called his lover from the room moments after she was born...within days of our separation, his internet site was re-posted, looking for couples and singles to join he and his lover for no strings attached fun.
My advice. Get rid of him. Lean on your family, your friends. Get counselling. I repeat: Get rid of him. You CAN do this on your own. I am doing it. Financially - he's contributing nothing and personally. You and your children will be better off. You are worth so much more that this. Take a friend or family member to the delivery of your baby. Do not list him as the father on the birth certificate. Have the baby take your name.
pregnant and cheated on
I recently found out as well he has been posting on craigs list for no strings attached fun. Every time he was away overnight he posted for someone to meet up with him. There were six pages worth of posting which I photo copied for the lawyer. At this point, I have learned that even though I am pregnant, I will get through this. I have so many times with my husband gave him the benefit of the doubt, gone to counseling, and the master manipulator never changed. I am the lucky one who only got a baby from him, he could have given me HIV. Sometimes, things can be worked out, if both partners are willing to give it their all, but in my case he wasn't willing to give anything.
I am slowly coming to terms, that I deserve better, and if this baby is a girl I want her to always know that she will never have to be the victim in a relationship as I have done for the last two years. I still may never understand why some men are so deceitful, dishonest, and downright disgusting. I am very sad and trying to not hit depression, but he was my all, my night in shining armor, and now I find out he is soliciting for sex from anyone. For all I know hes had more than 50 partners in the last 7 months.
it is never something you want to have happen to you, my eye opening moment came when I was in my own counseling session and explaing to my counselor what was happening in my marriage, all 12 different instances, and her look said it all. She asked me, why would a beautiful, young, strong, successful woman want to put up with a man that is making no effort to change? I couldn't answer her, and that said it all. I had no reason why I would stay except for being pregnant which is not an excuse.
I have now told my husband he needs to move out and if he wants to have joint custody of our child he needs to be in a certified counseling program for a period of a year and a half. I am scared of his lifestyle, the people he will bring around my baby, and his inability to be responsible.
others going through this please know, your gut will guide you, you know what you need to do, either work on it or leave. Just listen to what your mind and heart are telling you. It is probably screaming loud and clear, just listen to it. My prayers and thoughts are with anyone that is facing these life changing events.
ADDICTION AS EXCUSE or JUST PLAIN SELFISHNESS
Last year I accidently found out my husband had been cheating with 2 women simultaneously for 3 yrs. I ordered Dr. G's book and together we went through it. I thought that every thing had been resolved until now. I found out that while I was at my dying mother's side, my husband had gone to a strip club, met a woman, begun conversing with her & even propositioned her (sex for money) all on the night my mom died.
Although, as far as I know he has not had sex with this one (I spoke at length with her over the telephone), he has the intention. When I spoke with the woman she was very apologetic, saying he told her he was married, she's not interested in sex with him but was considering it because she needed the money.
I believe HER because she described the inside of his car, and told me that he said when they do meet up for sex, all she has to do is get in the back seat of his car and he will drive her into the garage and no one would know, through the house to OUR bed! Why would she lie about that?
I cant believe the stuff going on out there and now I have to go away for a few days to spread my mom's ashes over her mother's grave. This woman told me that he has been calling her and that she will do anything to help me. The problem is, I think I'm going to leave him in 6 wks - we will be married 10 yrs in Nov. & I have been advised by attorneys to stay & stick it out until then. But, can I? I am a professional person, attractive, sexy, intelligent, etc - and although he appears to be a wonderful husband to everyone who knows us, says he loves me every chance he can, treats me like a princess, he is still sneaky, a liar and untrustworthy. How can I get past this? I don't feel anything for him at this moment. Last year, I was devastated, lost weight and thought I would lose my mind, but this continued bad behavior and tolerating it makes me an idiot! It is the same as domestic violence without the pushing and shoving, just mental abuse. Is this relationship worth the anguish after going through all the material? Before now, I didn't believe in divorce and that everything could be worked out - but I don't think my husband wants to, obviously not by his actions.
My husband barely touches me and I am very sexual and physical, but this feels like the last straw.
I just had him download Dr. G's book on Saving Your Marriage Made Easy, I will read it on the plane & try not to think about anything but the tasks at hand.