Control Your Thoughts
“Fifteen years I’ve invested in this marriage,” said Joe. “Fifteen years, and then I come to find out she’s had an affair with her old high school squeeze. It’s not bad enough to think you’re happy all those years, but then to get socked with something like that? Not to mention, my mind no longer feels like it’s my own. Everything I think now seems to come with its own dark cloud. Over and over in my head—it’s like a funeral in there. I’d like to be happy, like I was. Or thought I was. And that’s just it. How am I supposed to think things are going to get better, when my head is stuck in this pool of negativity? I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
Joe isn’t the only person who has felt his thoughts were no longer under his control, or that he’s drowning in dark and ugly thoughts.
If you are the spouse finding out about an affair, you probably feel like you’ve received a blow to the gut. It’s ugly, negative news. If you’re like Joe, who was under the impression that everything in his marriage was going well, it feels even worse, because in addition to the betrayal, you've found out that you cannot trust your own feelings.
As the “victim”, you may feel like you’re going crazy. In an effort to grasp the how’s and why’s of your spouse’s affair, you are probably trying to comprehend what is often incomprehensible. Sometimes, in your effort to understand, you question if there are any foundations of truth anymore, and every little thing that happens seems related to the affair.
Do you experience these thoughts?
1. “I don’t think this marriage will withstand this strain.”
2. “He’s a scoundrel. I can’t stand to look at him right now, let alone touch him.”
3. “Is the other guy smarter than me? Better looking? What does he have that I don’t? Is it because I gained a few pounds?”
4. “Did I spend too much time with the kids, and not enough time with my husband?”
Negative thoughts include a mix about the victim, about the cheater, and about the marriage itself. Everything begins to be defined in relation to the infidelity.
Negative Thought Loops
In seeking to understand what has happened, you may become hungry for details—many people in your situation are. Thinking of the betrayal will spark questions, it will create images, and all of these thoughts—centered on this negative situation—can begin to consume your every waking minute and invade your dreams.
You will probably continue to be haunted by negative thoughts until you take the necessary steps to handle what can feel like an overwhelming inner struggle. There is no overnight solution for escaping the negative thought loop, and as you work to climb free of it, you will experience slips along the way. But you will heal—and own your own thoughts again.
Reclaim Your Inner Sanctuary
You don’t want to dwell in turmoil and misery. Your mind is your inner sanctuary, and only you can reclaim it.
As the injured spouse in all of this, you weren’t consulted about the affair, and you certainly didn’t ask for this to happen to you. Yes, it is unfair that your spouse betrayed you, and that you have no peace—even in your own mind—from your spouse’s awful actions.
You can’t change the past, but you can affect your future by managing your thinking. There is no quick-fix. Negative thoughts can be tenacious, and yet you can repair your thinking, if you are willing to struggle against your old thoughts and practice positive replacements.
Before you begin any healing effort in your marriage, you must protect yourself first. You are not going to fully trust your spouse for a long time. If you are going to repair your marriage, though, you will have to begin prior to the time when your full trust returns. To protect yourself, you need to experience some major positive changes in your spouse’s behavior before you work on your own nightmarish thoughts.
When you are ready to repair your thoughts and regain control and power over what goes on in your head, you can start with these steps:
Step 1: Play the Hunter: Thought-tracking
Like a hunter, you will track your thoughts, locating the telltale footprints of the negative ones as they occur.
If you were interested in losing weight, you would track what you eat. If you tracked everything you ate, you are likely to scale back on food in general, and probably more so those that aren’t waistline-friendly. Or, if you wanted to eliminate smoking, you may track how many cigarettes you actually smoke and find that just by accurately tracking your cigarette usage, you are likely to smoke less.
When tracking your thoughts, develop awareness of the times or places you are:
• Less likely to have negative thoughts
• More likely to have negative thoughts
• Have no negative thoughts at all, or almost none
Step 2: Play the Detective: Uncover negative thought-loop patterns
Look for patterns as to when you experience negative thought-loops, or in other words, times when your thoughts seem to get stuck in a repeating loop of negative ideas:
• Are these loops related to certain times of the day? When you’re trying to settle down for bedtime? Or, do the thoughts begin during your commute in traffic? Or, when else?
• Are these loops related to an activity that you engage in? When you’re watching a movie, or when you go to your favorite restaurant for dinner? Or, where else?
• Are these loops related to something you see or hear? Maybe you see a car while driving that is the same model or color as the paramour’s car, and it sets off the negative thoughts. Or, you’re listening to your radio, and a news story comes on about a politician’s affair. Or, something else?
Step 3: Break negative thought-loop patterns
Once you have discovered the patterns that define when negative thoughts are occurring for you, create actionable steps that break the pattern, planning ahead for when these occurrences may crop up.
• Time of day: If you’ve discovered that your thoughts turn negative at bedtime, change your bedtime ritual. Take a warm soak in the tub, or read poetry in your chair rather than the newspaper in bed. If these thoughts occur during your commute, listen to a book-on-tape.
Do anything that grabs your attention away from those thoughts and breaks the problem pattern.
• During an Activity: You may have found that your usual movie fare is contributing to those negative thoughts. So, switch your taste in movies, at least for the time-being while you are retraining yourself out of this pattern. If you normally sit down to a romantic comedy, choose an adventure film, or suspense.
If your favorite restaurant is where you find yourself caught up in negative thoughts, find another restaurant—even if it has to be in a different neighborhood.
• Something You Unexpectedly See/Hear: Maybe you’ve discovered that you are randomly broadsided by things you see and hear—you never know what will cause the thought-loop to launch. In this case, be ready: actively fight the thought as you realize it’s occurring. Have something in place that you can use as a deflector.
For example, if you see a car that reminds you of the one driven by the paramour of your spouse, turn your head and look at a building out of your other car window (of course, not if this would interfere with your safe driving). If you hear something on the radio, lift your hand and turn the dial to another station.
Take an active stance of some sort to break the pattern—don’t give it an opportunity to gain a foothold on your thinking, which means stopping the problem-thinking at the earliest possible time in the sequence.
In order to be successful at these techniques, you have to practice other thoughts when there is no problem thinking. You have to have a ready list of pleasant or positively entertaining thoughts prepared prior to the time one of these loops begins.
For example, when something brings up a mental image that would lead into a negative thought loop, have a standby image ready with which to replace it. Picture a bucket of turquoise-blue paint, and when an unbidden image pops up in your head, grab an imaginary paintbrush and lay the paint on thick, covering the scene.
In my program How to Survive an Affair, I share many more steps for controlling your thoughts, including ways to clear your mind so you can begin to own your own thoughts once again. I also give you advanced techniques and practical strategies to stop the haunting: fend off negative thoughts and end the struggle that comes from the flurry of emotions you’ve attached to them.
If your thoughts are not your own right now, there’s no point in needlessly suffering and feeling as if you’re losing control of everything in your world, including your own mind.
My system will show you how to release the power of obsessive thoughts, reclaiming your ability to entertain only those thoughts that build you up, rather than destroy your peace of mind. Also, you will learn how to put your thoughts to the test, releasing their hold on you so you can focus your energies on rebuilding your self-esteem. My best wishes for you as you repair your thoughts and break the pattern of negative thought loops.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
P.S. For more step-by-step information on creating a new foundation of trust after an affair, please see my program How to Survive an Affair today. Inside you will find several key exercises that will further help you along your thought repair training. More importantly, the program will provide you with a realistic plan you can use over the next few months to heal yourself and your marriage.
P.P.S Now, I’d like to hear from you. When do negative thought loops occur for you? Simply scroll down and click the comment link at the bottom of this page.
Intimacy
For those who have moved on enough to become "intimate" with your spouses. How did you overcome the mental images and emotions to get this far?
The thoughts of having to overcome this is not very good.
Intamacy
We started just with the cuddling each night and morning. It still continues morning and night and we both love it. From there we moved on to being more intimate. But, so far, as I've told him, she is in bed with us everytime we make love. I haven't been able to shake those thoughts of her and him together in bed. In some ways it adds to the fantasies in my head. Dr. Gunther has some ways to get rid of most thoughts with the cognitive therapy ideas. Give them a try.
Intimacy reply
Thank you for the help. I will give anything a try, but I must admit I'm growing tired of all of this. I know I cannot make any kind of fantasy with this. I'm also struggling with various other things that have happened. There's just so much. I'm still hurt, mad and sad and I know look at her in a different way. I cannot explain it at all.
Negative Thoughts
I read your article and I adentified with what you said, the trigers that affected me were many of the ones you mentioned.. I will work on changing the events that trigger the painful thoughts.. i also tell myself I don't want to hurt anymore.. hopefully it will all go away one day. Thank you!
I re-married my Cheating Husband too early
Our marriage had a lot of problems, but Sex was not one of them. Even when we were separated on and off because of some abuse cycles, we still spoke everday and made love at least 20 times a month...the one thing I thought we had going for us was fidelity, that is why I was so crushed when I found out he had been cheating all along. It would have gone on forever had one of his girlfriends not contacted me. He told all the other women he saw that he was divorced and lied about where he was when we took trips together...which was frequent because we own a business together.
I was out of town when I got the email asking if I was still married to David and that She had been having sex with him for over a year. Lucky for him, because I truly felt like KILLING him. I Don't know what I would have done had I been at home when I fould out. I had long talks with the other woman, who dropped him like a hot rock when she found he had been lying. (Good for her!) It didn't take me long to forgive Dave especially when he bought me a 3 carot diamond ring to replace the wedding ring he had given me 10 years earlier and begged for forgiveness. (I had no way of knoing he had yet another woman with whom he was sleeping.) He also totally dismissed HER and turned on her for telling me. I was grateful I knew the truth and held no ill towards her.
Fast forward...I finally divorced him because of his drinking and defending another relationship he had that he claimed was just a 'Friend' who he met at AA. (Found out later he never went to AA...he met her on Match.com) We still spoke everyday and he begged me not to leave and to remarry him the minute we had divorced. In fact he went to the courthouse and got a marriage certificate just 2 months after ouw divorce was final. I never stopped loving him and he gained my trust back so we remarried 9 months after our divorce.
Once we remarried, I was looking at our business computer and he had emails from women as recently as 2 weeks before our re-marriage. He was still registered on Match.com and I came across numerous other women he had slept with as proven through the emails. Now it's three months later and I am still mad and haunted by the past because I was not given the luxury of knowing the truth before I decided to Marry him again. He does not allow speaking of the past and he claims this is a new marriage and he will be faithful this time. I feel so empty because anytime I slip into wanting to heal through dicussing the infidelity he tells me I need to get over it and move on. He has no empathy for my feelings. I ask his if he has ever had anyone Cheat on him and how did it feel. He says he never cared enough about anyone for it to matter. It's so against my morals, but I feel like cheating on him just so he will know how it feels, or just to see if he is so insensitive that he wouldn't care.
After I read the email 2 months ago, I approached the other woman he was having an affair with even after he gave me the diamond ring (she knew nothing of that on course.) He never gave her a gift or took her on a trip. She was just a back up for Sex and someone to get drunk with because I don't drink. She was used and lied to just like I was but she knew he was married and yet she couldn't apologize to me. She claims she did nothing wrong. I can't imagine ever going out with a married man, knowing how it would hurt his spouse. What are these women thinking? The Tiger Woods gals...what are they thinking. It's sick that they have such little regard for marriage.
All I can think of is sitting down with Ruth, this insensitive witch(I call her Ruthless)to compare the calendars of where I was when he was having sex with her..and the lies he told her to keep her in his quiver. Is it sick that I want to sock it to her? Yes, I am still angry with my husband too...but I really do feel he wants to be faithful now. I am just having a hard time reconciling the past and I'm mad that I didn't know about all these other women before I re-married him. I am sad to have lost my simple trusting nature and yet I'm grateful for the growth I've experienced and that I have become much wiser. Still healing...and getting no help from my Husband.
Healing from infidelity
You can not heal by discussing the infidelity. First, you must really forgive your spouse which will take some work on your part. That does not mean that you accept their behavior. It is an abuse cycle, that is not easily healed. Sexual addiction is more about the fact that the addict is in emotional pain. Beneath every addiction is an issue of power. A sex addict can not release an addiction until they can acknowledge the problem. That may never occur.
However, you can heal emotionally by choosing to be happy every moment of your day. Set your mind on good things, not on your spouse's infidelity. You can not change their behavior, only yours.
When you surrender the problem it ceases to have any power.Creating a new consiousness in yourself is the key.What you do is more powerful to your spouse than what you say.
After fifteen years invested in a relationship with a dishonest spouse I have finally learned how to be happy and how to move forward into a produtive life.
May everyone learn how to heal.
Multiple affair
I have been in my relationship for 11 years and found out about 10 months ago that my partner has not been faithful from the get go... How does one handle multiple affairs? He has always been exceptional to me. Treated me like the love of his life. And says (which I know to be true) his behavior had nothing to do with us and he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone. His behavior is all about him..... So, He has taken total ownership of his actions. We have only lived together this past year. His most recent affair was probably a true affair that 'caught' him emotionally. The others were just cheating at it's best. It's interesting...I don't worry about him cheating. He is in therapy and seems very committed. And if he's going to cheat he's going to cheat.... For me it's my thoughts of, "I deserve better." "Do I love him enough"? "Do I want this enough?" I want someone who honors me... I know his history. He comes from more multiple marriages with his parents. I've always suspected a dark side but never thought it would be this. I feel like, "Why should I give him the best of me?" "He doesn't deserve it!" Many times I can't even look at him.... I try the exercises... and they do help. I wish I had less tolerance for the human condition and human weaknesses...would I leave him if he were 'bonified' not just partially nuts? I ramble...but it feels good.
My husband told me of his
My husband told me of his affair with a woman he works with 3 years ago and still not a day goes by that I don't think about it. He still works, and travels, with her which adds to my anxiety. Not really knowing how much alone time they spend together working or who he is actually with when he is out of town tears me apart. He wants our marriage to work but will not change jobs and I feel like I'm never going to be able to get on with my life since I'm reminded of the affair on a daily basis. I know he talks to her everyday, even though she lives in another state, and always wonder what is being said. The doubt overwhelms me and I just wish I could trust him completely like I used to. An affair is the most selfish thing a human being can do and it cripples the innocent victims.
How Do I Decide To Leave Him or Not
We've been married 38 years. Children and grandchildren. Six years into our marriage he had an affair with a (divorced)woman with several children who worked at the same hospital. I confronted him when I realized what was going on but,he of course denied it and told me that I was irational and insanely jealous. I was pregnant with our third child. The affair ended-small community and others knew about it too but he doesn't believe that. He thought they were being carefuland no one would ever know. He was in a high profile position in the community also. One of his employees even told his parents about the affair and his dad was suppose to have a talk with him. Unfortunately the friend did not know that his father had had numerous affairs during his marriage. His father ignored it and probably cheered his son on. Five years later another affair--several business trips to same town for 2-3 weekends, basically one night stand type with same woman each time (at work again). Now twelve years later, New job-new town. After a few months he realizes he made a mistake in accepting the new job. Not as described and CEO is really strange. CEO having communication issues with - well, EVERBODY. The children and I had just arrived after selling our home and the children have started making new friends and settling in. I am busy setting up home, new schools, new docs, caring for children,taking care of his elderly parents who live here, working full time. My parents need some assistance and my siblings also live here. Making new friends and entertaining for his co-workers. ANOTHER AFFAIR--again co-worker. I'm not sure how long it had been going on or how long it lasted. She was a user--husband in military and deployed. I say she was a user because, my husband not only meet her sexual needs, but after she left to consult full time, he wrote many proposals and business plans for her to present as her work. He was to be paid part of her earnings. Never happened. (she also used this ploy on another man later. The "PLAN" was that once she was "in", she would tell her employers that my husband was the one who actually did the work. My response--"would you hire someone who was so decietful?" No he wouldn't. (Hard to believe, but he really is an honest man). I finally told him that I had been "told" he and --- were having an affair" An letter had also been sent to his employers by someone telling them about the affair. He as usual denied it, but the affair ended then. They worked together for a short while, but I am sure the affair was over.
Another dozen years; he's working as a consultant out of state. Doesn't want us to move. Last child in last two years of school; other children married, in local colleges, his parents needing even more help because of serious health issues. (almost daily). I am left to take care of these things. He's home every weekend or as assignments are further away-every other weekend. I travel every few weekends to where he works. Starts another affair with YES another consultant he has worked with. This last serveral years -easier for him to hide. She is also married and this is deffinately not her first afair either. Once he is working closer to home (he has hired her at a great some on money to do consulting work where he is working) We alternate driving to town he works in or he drives home.
I keep finding little things-events, items, and then the one piece of evidence he can't deny to prove there is another affair and it has been going on for several years. They don't get together ofter sexually, but because of other consultants who orgainze many "events" they see each other away from work many times. They also have meals and spend time at our condo and a few meals out. At this poing my father-in-law has died and my mother-in-las depends on me even more. My mother has had an acident; almost died; needs constant monitering and care. She is unable to move or do anything for herself. Very Severe injury. My siblings, father and I are caring for her at home. Drs. say no hope--we know her better than that. (she is much better) In spite of this I move to live with my husband full time. He says he is thrilled that I am there. Mistress is obviously not. (no longer a well kept seceret due to a "leak" from unfriendly source with ability to announce it to large audience.) He is holding on to me; pulls me close to him every night; takes me out to dinner frequently and celebrates any and all anniversaries he can think of. One of the large consulting companies has frequent employee"events" to which we are invited along with "the ex-mistress" He is very attentive to me. Makes sure that I have a drink and food; meet people he knows and thinks I will enjoy spending time with. Very uncomfortable for both my husband and myself. She wants the affair to continue. My husband thinks I should have lunch with her. Thinks we would like each other. I think not. We now live in another town; we're having a wonderful time as a couple now;almost feels like we are newly married--plays, dinners out,walks,museums;art;church;new friends; my husbands new co-workers;dinner guests at our apt; different job; BUT there is a position open in her specality. She is working in a next door state now. There is no question that if she shows up here I will simply leave. No discussion, no note, just pack, call movers for my things and leave. He'll find out when he walks in the door. I love my husband and we really enjoy spending time together. BUT no more.
MY QUESTION--my husband is very friendly and outgoing (usually innocent), he has ED now and alchol doesn't help. Not real interested in sex, just not frequently; has ADD and seems to me he is looking at lots of young (younger than our children) women. Could just be ADD.Is he a sex addict? Should I stay and hope everything continues as is or gets better. He is being very thoughtful and seems happier than I've seen him in a long time. At least two of the men he works with are very into checking out the young college girls who attend a college across the street where they work. Any advice. Believe me this is more difficult when you are the one on the middle of it. I think of this last affair and the first one almost nightly and wonder if he is in touch with the last one; it he emails her' if she calls him'ETC. What questions I want answered, What about emotional affairs? Carol
Negative thoughts
For me it's been been 20 months since the affair. The loop starts for me when she is at work. She met him through work, he was a representitve from another company. I wonder if she still has contact with hime thru work because he was a friend of her boss. THings have gotten better. When we are together, everything is wonderful but when we are apart I just wonder if it's really still going on. I never got the answers as to why it happened. I still wonder what went wrong. Her way of handling it was "it happened ,it's over, so lets move on like it never happened". I find myself wondering when she's at work and doesn't call me , say at lunchtime like she always used to do, that she's talking with him or when she gets out late and calls me late when she's on her way home, was she really working late or a brief meeting with him. These things start the negative loops for me, but when she does finally call I feel so relieved. Also when we are being intimate. We had the greatest sex life and now she blames menopause for her declining sex interest. It makes me wonder if I'm not as good as he was and just don't rock her boat anymore? But it's not something she wants to talk about. When I do say something she just says that it's my mind wondering and everything is fine. She still talks about our future together and things we plan for with retimement about 10 years away and that makes me feel good. I just get into these loops and can't always get out of them. I think about it everyday - I hope someday soon the thoughts will go away.
Negative thoughts
It's been 7 months now since I found out the truth about his affair. The worst times for my negative thoughts are exactly like the paragraph says, driving home from work, when we make love or when he's in work and the children are in bed. In other words every minute I get to myself. I hate it that I allow that woman into my head and my life every day, but I don't know how to stop it. Like someone else says above, we can be alright then I start thinking and need him to reassure me. I fear so much that he'll lie to me again.
On the other hand, if he is being true I don't want this to ruin what we have. I've got to learn how to stop the thoughts jumping in at every opportunity. I'm going to try the technique. I'm not unhappy just not happy if that makes sense! One day I hope that I'll be able to relax and be totally happy again.
Negative thoughts
On March 18 it will have been 2 years since I found out about my husband's 5 1/2 year affair with an old girlfriend (she came after him). We've been married for 38 years, you'd think we would have settled into our marriage by now, but I guess not. After 2 years I still have obsessive thoughts, yes while riding, or driving a car. Whenever a date is mentioned and it falls into those 5 1/2 years it triggers the memories of his affair. I've had to put away pictures of us and our family that were taken during that time as they bring back thoughts of "what was he thinking?" Even those of our trip to Mexico during that time when she told him he couldn't touch me, and he didn't (I paid for the trip).
Like you, I'm not unhappy, just not happy and don't know if I ever will be again.
I am so glad for this opportunity to hear about others and to know I'm not the only one with these feelings lasting so long.
negative thoughts
I too have been cheated on. My husband cheated on me for
15 years with the same woman. For half the time, he was being threatened by her to expose the affair. To make a long and ugly story short, she emailed me under an assumed name and told me about the affair. To have my husband investigated and that he was cheating with some woman for many years. We found out the anonymous person was actually the one he was cheating with. He admitted everything to me and said he was glad it was over, because he couldn't deal with living like this anymore. He's been everything a woman could want in a husband. The only problem is that I can't get past it. I'm always thinking of it. It consumes my entire day! I can't believe I could have been so stupid for so long. I want to hit myself over the head for being so naive and innocent. If I could get rid of these thoughts, half the battle would be won. It's like I have no control over my own head. We have talked and talked about the affair, but I always come up with more questions. I look at him and can't believe he had such a dark side. I have already bought How to survive an Affair. The trouble is nothing seems to work on me. I have never felt so miserable in my life. I always looked at the glass half full, now all that has changed. I try to keep positive and count my blessings, my children and grandchildren, but the man I looked up to is a serious disappointment. I'll try again to think of alternative methods to keep mind from running away. My mind has a mind of its own. Reading these stories from other women in my position helps because I know I'm not alone and not the only one who feels this way.
Negative thoughts
I get negative thoughts when we are intimate. I start feeling inferior. I love making love but at the same time I need to know he really wants me and not someone else. I cannot trust his answers because he had looked me in the eye and lied everytime I have asked a question that I knew the answer to and got mad because I did not believe him
Negative thought
Wow, I knew there were other victims out there feeling the same way as me but I had no idea. I had read that getting over a spouse cheating took a long time but I really had no clue that it would be this difficult. It has been a year and a half and I still have so much grief and negativity. I think due to the longevity of her affair there are just so many things that force me to sit and wonder. What is she doing now? Why did she take so long to get home from work? Who is she talking to at work that she can't answer the phone? Call me paranoid but I cannot be the only person that thinks this way especially after someone you love and trusted for so many years has betrayed you. I think I am getting better. I think we are getting better. I have come to the conclusion that it is going to be a long and painful process that I hope is all worth it in the end. I like what someone else said that if their spouse had put half as much effort into their marriage as they did the affair neither would have had to go through all the agony. I also think about what another mentioned and that was to what extent is all this stress and anxiety doing to our health. For me and probably like many others I have lost weight and have kept it off. I run on a weekly basis and actually ran my first mini-marathon last year but I also know that where I have helped myself in that area I have probably lost a couple of years off my life due to all the stress.
negative thoughts
i always have negative thoughts about my husband, so many things has happen during my marriage, flirting, love leeters. i feel useless and not appreciated my self esteem is zero at the moment, i couldnot tell u if he had an affair, but i wouldnot say he hasnot cause all men do something. I donot trust my husband, i donot even feel love and at this moment i feel that a divorce is the only step for me to take, and fee
Random negative thoughts
Thank you for this insightful article. Makes a lot of sense to me. I find myself being bombarded with negative thoughts when we start to talk to each other! We are not going to be able to re-instate our 19 year marriage at all and we still live in our home, but separately. This situation will be resolved soon. I find I get extremely defensive and am overwhelmed with mistrust of what he says to me, about anything! I can't seem to believe a thing that he says to me and yet not so long ago, it was the complete opposite!
He has had an affair, still involved, and has gone into total shut down ie: he tells me the barest essentials about what is going on. Rarely answers any questions I have so I fill the gaps myself. This just gives him the opportunity to tell me that I have never been right about what he is thinking! 'Never' is a very big word and I do understand that more often than not, I may be wrong when I do this. Why doesn't he correct me rather than letting me believe what I have dropped into the gaps?? I realise this is my anxiety at work focussing on negative thoughts and I should button up my gob!!! So hard to do!!
I do not believe in mind games or holding on to bitterness, but my husband is a master at it and I suspect that this is his mechanism for dealing with his guilt. I actually feel sorry for him.
Negative thoughts
Thanks for all your wonderful email articles.
I discovered my husband being unfaithful on the computer. He works at home, so when I thought he was working all those hours it turns out it wasn't all work! Now EVERYTIME he is in his office on the computer (which he must do because he still works at home) I am stewing, festering, obsessing, all tied up in knots thinking I know exactly what he is doing and it isn't work! It is destroying me and my health. I think it will eventually kill me.
Negative thoughts
I understand - but I did find something that helped a bit - although there is more to go. First of all, I read in a book about affairs that it's easy for the person on the other end of the computer to seem perfect - after all, they have no warts, they can present themselves how they want, and they can seem to have no faults. That is not real life - he doesn't see her with no make-up and hair all messy in the morning. That is hard for anybody to compete with. So what I did was bring that part of the book to his attention. He went to see her one week-end when I was out of town - and by then he was so into it he couldn't even see the warts for himself, until we talked about it and I asked some pointed questions. He sees now what he couldn't see then.
As far as the office, I told him how I felt about the office, when he used to hide out e-mailing and phoning, and why it bothers me now. He has started to make a point of trying to tell me about what he is working on, and when he has to make a phone call he will generally say "I need to call so-and-so about this.." He spends more time out of the office. The phone is portable, so he cal talk to other people in earshot of me so I know what is being said. Biggest thing is that he has said I can look at his e-mails any time (and yes, I know things can be deleted, but just him saying that has made a difference.
I wonder if it would help you to talk to him about your feelings when he works in the office and see if he is willing to do anything to ease your negative feelings.
One thing that I want to do, which has not happened yet, is to re-decorate his office so that I am not reminded of how he conducted the affair from there every time I walk in. I'm not sure that would help, but I think changing things can't hurt. What do the rest of you think about that?
Negative thought loop
I find that everything I do creates or starts the loop! I spent so much of my time thinking and doing for her that now it seems I cannot stop. Everyday activities find me at a loss with having no negative thoughts. I have never experienced anger like this before and mostly not for her but against him. I seem to spot ever vehicle in a 30 mile radius that looks like his. I struggle with all the everday activities we did as a family. I hope there is a way to heal and have true peace again...or better yet to trust again!
Its a Constant Problem
No matter the time of day, I am haunted by the thoughts of her activities. I work 45 minutes away from home, I leave at 7 am and don't get home until 6 pm. My days seem overwhelmed with the thought of what she could be up to. We have always kept in touch throughout the day, however i feel it was all a lie. On how many of those ocassions was i lied to, How many times did she just leave his company and yet take my call as if nothing were wrong. The betrayal is so hard to overcome, lets face it I think on the day of our marriage we give the most implicit trust to or partners, then we don't even give it a second thought for the rest of our lives, we expect them to safeguard this trust, when that is gone you feel like you are married to a stranger.
negative thoughts
Your email came at a perfect time. It has been seven months since he told me about the affair. Last night at bedtime "the loop" started again for me. My husband needed to get up early for work, but patiently listened to me AGAIN go over all my negative thoughts and feelings as I try to heal from his affair. Bedtime is the worse for me. However, the constant barrage of media coverage about celebrities and their affairs, songs about cheating, etc are constant reminders. I DO believe my husband is deeply sorry. I hope I can eliminate the stream of negative thoughts for my own sanity.
I feel so much the same
It was four days before our 25th wedding anniversary that I got the call from the other woman. It has been almost eight months and every day is difficult. I seem to do the same thing you do, I go over all my negative thoughts and feelings with him as I try to heal. The constant barrage of media coverage about celebrities and their affairs, songs about cheating are constant reminders and only intensify the tremendous pain.
I also deeply believe my husband is truly sorry. I will tell you what I have found to be helpful. First of all to develop a stronger relationship with God (whatever your faith is) and attending church or services regularly definately helps with the pain. Second, do not listen to songs or stories in the media about cheating. (change the channel) Third, have your husband dedicate a song to you on how he feels about you and you do the same for him. My husband dedicate the song by Bryan Adams "Please forgive me" to me. I cannot begin to tell you how much this song helps me. I play it when the negative feeling come and they seem to instantly disappear. Fourth, if he is truly remorseful, he will either attend counseling or a program like Retrouville (you can look this up on the internet). These things have helped me.
The Loop
My husband confessed almost a year ago, but told me of random "hos". I found out 6 mos. ago about a steady one, which was a whole other story in my eyes. "Random" is faceless and used for what it was. "Steady" is something else. It's calling me that you have to work late or go out with friends (which I was always OK about, I'm not the jealous type), but going out with and having a relationship with and f--king someone else. I know who she is and where she lives, etc.
We went through all the questions of why, when, how, how could you, didn't you realize, didn't you feel guilty, how could you jepeordize our family, etc. This was his mid-life crisis period with all the bells and whistles. She fulfilled ALL his sexual fantasies and since he has money, she thought he was her golden ticket out of her shithole. She then threatened him when the party was over. He repented ten-fold, wishes it never happened and that she didn't exist, is ashamed, etc. Is trying relentlessly to make it up and is really better than ever as a husband.
My "loop" is my own fault. I go to her facebook pix (which I swear she posts for us to see). She is a slut as he said and naturally now it makes it easier for me to picture him "with" her when looking at her pix.
So now I keep asking more questions and venting more, even though he thought we were putting it in the past and starting our future anew. It's on my mind 24/7, I say I can't help it, but I probably can. When he's with me I'm OK because I see HIM, when he's not with me and I'm alone with my thoughts, he's another person who betrayed me, a stranger, not HIM.
negative thoughts
When I read your story, I swear to God, I thought it was me. Our stories are so similar, it's eery. She too threatened him and he didn't know how to get out of it. At the beginning there were one night stands, and then he me this witch. Two small kids, him being 21 years older than her, not a pot to piss in, her ticket out of her shithole. I hoope we are not married to the same man. He has repented for almost 2 yrs. now. He's truly sorry, but my mind just keeps going and going.I have the same problem you do, when he's not here, I think of him as a total stranger who screwed me. DShe also puts pix online just so I can see them which makes it worse, because now there's a face to visualize. It makes me sick, but I still look. I wish I had someone to talk to who really knows what I'm going thru. Thank God, I'm not the only "crazy" out there, and I mean it in a nice way. I hope I have helped you in some way just knowing you're not alone.
Negative painful thoughts
Bedtime is the usual time that these thoughts take hold. But I can be side swiped any time during the day. Mornings are too busy - I'm not alone with myself. They're safe times. The busy times. It's the quiet times and the 'trigger' times. Like when he's working away. When I'm in bed alone. When we try to make love. When he says he loves me. When he looks at me that way and I think 'did he look at her like that?'. It's been almost 14 months since the bombshell hit our relationship and it's been a very slow and painful process for me. I'm glad I'm not back in December 2008. But I still wish I was back in 'before I knew' time. And 'before it happened' time. Some days I feel totally devastated all over again - it still feels so raw. I keep asking why, how could he, what did I do wrong, how could I not know, how could he lie like that and do that - just after I had our baby.
And hate? I've never felt hate and anger like it in my life. Even after 14 months, I swear that if I saw her in the street I would kill her with my bare hands. If I saw her and I was driving my car I'd run her down and then make sure I finished the job properly by reversing over her. That's not me. Something else the lies and cheating have done to me. I'm not a bad person. He did this and yes, I have days when I hate him too and would like to stick a knife in him.
But I do still love him - very much. And I hang on to the fact that he's here and he wants to fix us. And I try so hard to believe it when he says he loves me. But after so many lies, that's probably one of the hardest things to do. I am getting stronger though and most days I feel as if I will never be free of this and that he just has to go so I can be happy again and have some peace. What a mess.
negative thoughts
Your situation is very much like mine - I was such a perfectly trusting wife. Bedtime is not bad for me, though, it's waking up in the middle of the night or first thing when I wake in the morning.
What has helped at bedtime is that we made a pact to cuddle and to think of and talk about happy times we had together, and remind ourselves how much in love we both were. It isn't sex - just cuddling and some kissing and some talking. I haven't asked, but he tells me before we go to sleep every night that he loves me.
It also helps that during the day (we both work at home a lot) he tells me how much he appreciates things I do for him, and I try to do the same for him.
He has told me over and over how sorry he is, whenever I go into a tailspin, and he cries a lot, and so do I, mostly because of the time and energy that went into the affair that could have been better spent working on our marriage. But that's water under the bridge, and nobody can change the past.
This is a long, long road - it's been a year and there are still a lot of "triggers" - for example, filing the old phone bills and being reminded of the phone calls to the bitch started me down a whole negative, angry pattern yesterday. It's a struggle, but I think Dr. Gunzburg's suggestions are helping some.
Early on, a counsellor told me to imagine what I would want to be like when I am myself again. I couldn't do it, so then she told me to think of someone that I admire that would be a model of what I'd like to be. Who came to mind was Hillary Clinton. There is a woman who endured what must have been the most horrible betrayal - and all out in front of the public. But she seems to have been able to forge her own path all the same, and her husband seems to have a new appreciation for her as well. So if I think of celebrities - yes there are a bunch of nuts, but it has helped to identify with someone who got her dignity and self-respect back.
negative thoughts
i seem to be having negative thoughts at all hours of the day.its been 10 months since i learned of my husbands affair with a younger woman at his work.they work in the same place but different departments and it drives me crazy that shes there.hes told her that its over ,he wants nothing more to do with her but she insists on trying to maintain contact with him,shes followed him through out the day asking why they cant be freinds, asked him why he wont say hi to her , asking why he walks past her desk and has also gone into a restroom while he was cleaning it. he immediately told her to leave .he said he now sees that she is off balance ,she wont take no for an answer .shes also asking him how i am since she knows i had back surgery not long ago.my husband has told her that its none of her concern ,to please leave him alone.now she even has a male co worker asking my husband questions.isnt this like stalking? my husband is under alot of stress and were trying to find him a new job . but when he calls to say hes running a few minutes late or someone asks us out to eat at a resturant i know they ate at my mind just starts wandering. im taking 2 anti anxiety pills right now because even at night my mind just races and wonders about the whole thing,though my husband has said that theres nothing going on ,he wants to be with me and make our marriage stronger.
negative thoughts
I wrote earlier, about my husband working at home and being unfaithful on the computer. Thanks so much to the woman who replied after me, suggesting things like redecorating the office, etc. It helps so much to read what all of you have written and it pains me for each of you (us) for what we are all going through. I can hardly believe it has been 3 YEARS ! since what I discovered, and it is STILL ruining my life. I don't hold out much hope for my marriage, although he tells me he wants to make it right. I have become so avoidant of him that I don't see how it will ever be close again. But I wanted to say that reading all of your stories makes me fell less alone. None of us asked for this, or deserved this. I pray for each of you. Can we keep up like this?, cause the sharing helps me.
Negative thoughts
Maybe it is a lot less painful to go ahead with the divorce...
negative thoughts and unrelenting pain
I know what you mean....kinda like ripping off the bandaid all at once, have the tremendous pain over with, then begin to heal on the other side of it all. I just feel like I want to run, have a place to live alone and be away from all of it once and for all! There are so many complications about a divorce...
negative thoughts
I hear you!!! I never separated either, but sometimes I feel like just do it! Get it over with. Stop the pain and live in peace. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Along with divorce comes more problems, which I can't handle right now. It's been a year and a half and I'm still miserable. He's trying so hard, but nothing seems to work. Help!!!!!!!!
negative thoughts
I couldn't agree more! When I think of divorce I become so OVERWHELMED with all that would have to be taken care of and all the decisions that would have to be made, and how LONG all of it would take! I can't make myself take the first step...
I am here for you, cuz I know EXACTLY how you feel...
Controlling disturbing thoughts
Does anyone know of any good self help books on cognitive therapy or ways to control negative thinking? Please help, I can't afford to go to a counselor.