Communicate without Arguing
How to Communicate Without Arguing
Terry was lost in his thoughts as he drove home after a long, grueling day at the office. He was not looking forward to arriving home. After spending all day trying to get prospective clients to give him their business, he was convinced that upon getting home that his wife, Donna, was going to give him the business, and he wasn’t buying it.
“I can hear it now already,” he thought to himself. “The minute I get in the door, ‘We need to talk!’ will be the first words out of her mouth.” He wished that he could tell her, “No, you need to talk and I am supposed to listen to you endlessly drone on with the same old song and dance.”
He mumbled to himself out loud, “Just once, I wish I could come home and not have to listen to it.”
Meanwhile, across town, Donna contemplated her husband’s arrival. “I wish I could get him to listen to me. Just once, I wish I could get him to listen to me without getting angry. Why can’t we have a civil conversation instead of always having an argument?”
Does this sound familiar?
What is going on between Terry and Donna is quite common. When people have been married for years, they often think that they are reading each other. They think they can predict what is going to be said, perhaps word for word, within the first few seconds, and sometimes they will be right and sometimes they will be wrong. These predictions are part of the problem.
In a sense, they are already arguing before a word is actually said between them. In some couples, when one spouse tries to change the pattern, the other will work doubly hard, without meaning to, to pull the conversation back into the old pattern. They are in a conversational rut: communication seems predictable, including tone of voice and body language. Instead of joining in the same old argument, one spouse could tune the other out. Tuning the other person out is also communication, but it usually communicates something other than what is intended. Conversational ruts and tuning out both reinforce negative feelings toward each other.
Your relationship doesn’t have to be this way. Today I am going to show you how you can redirect yourself in communicating with your spouse to pull your marriage out of the conversational rut.
The Mind and the Motives
In order for you to understand what is taking place between Terry and Donna, I will refer to one of the classic understandings of the brain. The most recent findings are much more complex but not necessary for our discussion. Your brain has to have rich blood flowing in order to work properly. If you feel threatened, those resources are directed to a primitive part of your brain, the reptilian brain.
The frontal cortex, which deals with executive functioning, gets shortchanged. When your reptilian brain gets the majority of resources, your primitive or animal-like response is to feel compelled to win, as if your very existence were at stake, no matter how minor the issue was that started the process.
In order to improve your communication and your relationship, you have to learn how to rebalance your brain’s resources before those primitive responses create more problems for you. The frontal cortex is turned on when you are thinking logically or rationally deciding an issue. How does this information translate into action that can change your relationship?
Think Before Speaking to Your Friend
Once you start to feel upset and angry, your brain is already feeding the wrong part. The most direct access we have to changing this situation for the better is to engage our thinking. Effective thoughts would include “He is my best friend; I wonder why he is acting this way?” or “I am going to be her best friend; what can I do to help relieve her emotional pain?”
You cannot expect to start thinking positive thoughts in the heat of a problem situation if you aren’t ready. If you have never done long-distance running, would you run a marathon this afternoon? Of course not. You would need lots of practice and training first. Similarly, you have to practice good thoughts during neutral and good times—both when you are together and when you are separated.
Practice thinking only good thoughts toward your spouse so you will be prepared to think good thoughts if your partner does or says something you don’t like. Instead of expecting an adversarial response, you are training yourself to expect a friend-type response. If your partner delivers a response that is not what you hope for, be curious, not angry.
Another helpful thought is to say to yourself that you don’t want to be the kind of person who responds with anger toward someone you love. Using this or similar thoughts sets your mind to think of this as your own self-improvement program rather than trying to change your spouse. You have to do this yourself for yourself. When you become a better partner, your spouse will too.
There may never truly be a “good” time to discuss emotionally laden material, but some times are worse than others. You don’t want to choose to talk when your partner has other immediate concerns such as being exhausted, hungry, in pain, or stressed out from a bad day at work or just having had to deal with a child’s behavioral issues.
Understanding Through Empathy
When your spouse is upset, imagine the world from his or her viewpoint and understand how the situation is upsetting as your spouse experiences it, even if the perpetrator is you. Go for understanding your spouse, rather than arguing for “the truth.”
If you have a hard time starting this, begin by saying something like “I want to understand what you went through. I might not agree with your view, but I really want to understand it.” You might think you already understand, but if you allow your spouse to lead and you set your defenses aside, you will probably discover how much you didn’t understand.
There is much more to understanding how to effectively communicate without an argument ensuing. In my program Saving Your Marriage, Made Remarkably Simple, I go into detailed discussion in chapters three and four on communication.
Communication is one of the biggest challenges every marriage faces. However, the couples that stick together are the ones that learn how to effectively “talk.”
On page 79, I teach you seven steps to resolve conflict quickly and effectively. Then, on pages 50–63, I walk you through the steps to rebuild intimacy through communication. If you have not yet had a chance to use my program, you will find that it is a great alternative to counseling.
Use this link to get started today.
I wish you the best success in your quest to create a fabulous marriage.
Warm regards,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
P.S. In the meantime, I want to hear from you.
What ideas do you have for becoming a better friend to your spouse?
Please click on the comment link below. I’d love to hear from you and see how this blog has helped you.
Respect
3 years ago I suffered through an affair. THank goodness for the emails received from Dr G - they really saved me week after week. I am still married and yet again I find the same old habbits cropping up and poor communication, arguing , belitting and verbal abuse. And I think 'what happened'. I have just read a book by Dr James Dobson called ' Love must be Tough' also for Marriages in crisis. And I realized that together with that knowledge and the info from Dr G. I had made one fundamental mistake. I did not bring him to accountability. I wanted to 'save the family' at any cost. Unless my husband learns to respect me and is held accountable for his poor behaviour, I guess I will be back int he boat very shortly. I need to open the door and let him fly - if that is his choice, but I will not allow him to treat me in a disrespectful manner, that causes me harm. BY hanging on to him - on his terms - I allowed him to think, its ok to treat me any way he likes, I will love him anyway. THat is nolonger acceptable to me. I hope to implement, and use the information I now have - and I am already seeing results. I wish you all the best as you go through your own time of trouble
Communication
Happy New Year and thank you Dr Gunzburg for your writing. It has helped me enormously in so many ways I cannot begin to explain. Communication is indeed crucial and your blog has helped give me lots of ways forward and I really like your positive style.
Living with betrayal
Dear Frank, Thank you for your emails I have drawn strength and a better understanding of how each individual feels when betrayal occurs in a marriage. I was married for 26 years, I have grown up with my husband as we started dating when I was just 15 yrs old. The shock and the total disbelief still haunts me after a year. We were apart for 11 months during this time my husband to left the family home he just when straight to the other party involved and set up home and a new life. I didn't know the person I had grown up with the person I loved so much. My husband still states that he only had sex with this individual the once. Why will they not own up to all the facts. Are they trying to protect any further hurt or is it that they just don't want to admit all the details, the reality of what went on? Can you provide me with some answers to this?
Many thanks Pauline
This may be the first Christmas that is us but I don't know
The last three years have been a blur. My husband had his affair which I discovered when I came home for lunch and found them in the shower. He has never apologized for the affair and I think the only reason he has any remorse is that he got caught. He continued to sneak around and hook up with her endangering his employment and our relationship through all of 2008 and into 2009 when I found him out AGAIN. Again he saw nothing wrong with his meeting her for breakfast the day before our anniversary and declared that he lied about where he was going because "You'd get upset" -- no kidding!! Well we stopped our counseling after that and he tried to email her best wishes on Mother's Day but didn't seem to get a reply. If he is being honest with me this will be the first holidays since 2006 that he hasn't been playing footsie with her and taking her shopping, etal. Maybe it will work but right now I know I'm here because I have an obligation to help take care of his father, not because there's any love or friendship -- he's clueless. I'm stretched too thin and there is no communication or recognition on his part that what he was doing was outside the marriage agreement....go figure.
And I thought I was the only
And I thought I was the only one in this situation... how did yo deal with the "I haven;t done anything wrong!"
To add to mine he said they were my thoughts and feelings I am not doing anything to you ..get over it.
I am sorry you have had to deal with this .. I wish I had something to say that could help.....
How to talk with your spouse without a confrontation
Dear Dr. Gunzburg,
Thank you very much for your generous share of experience and advice. Yours are always helpful to me to the max degree. I learn a lot.
I wish there is rich people outthere to donate their money to what you are doing in order for you to help other people as well as me to improve the life that we live here and live in a better society.
Merry Christmas!
Hoping to continue to receive your email.
I have been living with my
I have been living with my husbands affair for 19 months.
Recently we have decided to be just friends and live in the same house until our youngest is grown. Four more years. He has fathered a child with his affair partner and the bond that had been mostly broken has been reborn.
He has told me he has feelings for her and that he still loves me as well. i have advised him to not have any woman in his life in the romantic sense at the moment. Being his friend and not expecting a marital relationship has opened him up a little. He doesn't feel as threatened when talking with me about his feelings. I try to listen and not judge what he is feeling. This is difficult I have to put my own hurt feelings aside. I used to get so angry and now I am trying to detach. It is odd the more that I do this the more he seems to want my attention. Is this friendship only basis a good strategy for rebuilding our marriage eventually. Should I let him have the space he says he needs to figure out what he wants. i have told him I would do this and whatever he chooses I will respect I just want him to be happy again even if it isn't with me. I am trying to go out more on my own and develop a life that is not centered around him . Living together makes this more difficult. He seems to need my friendship and wants to talk more. He cannot cut of contact with his affair partner because of the baby and right now I don't think he really wants to. He says he knows that I haven't done anything wrong that it is him and his emotional state. He says he can't love anyone right now that he is so self loathing that he cannot love anyone but his children. I am prepared sort of , to have him walk away. I have offered to divorce him and let him go. He says he isn't ready to do this yet. Should I force his hand or continue to love him in this way . Unconditonal love should want what is best for one another, if that isn't me ok, can we truly be friends after 25 years and 5 children. What should I do
Heather
i have been living with.............affair's best friend?
hi Heather.
i hear what you are saying 100%..i discovered my husband seeing prostitutes about this time last year. He oddly enough did not beg for forgiveness, but said he needed time to find himself and decide what he wanted. I took the "i'll be your best friend" approach and we continued to live in the same house.... what I did turned out to be the worst thing, as he apparently bonded with one of these girls as time went on... and after a year, has decided he's in love. While it's a volatile situation, with fighting and abusive use on her part (no kidding, she is a prostitute)... he went from "dating" (home to me every night) to an occasional overnight, to a more frequent overnight, to just moving in. I've tried to be his friend through it all and would even see him off with an "i love you" in the driveway..he's respond "i love you too, thanks for being patient, i'll be back"...
Now i'm on my own, he stops in every other day or so for a few minutes... uses the house as his refuge when she tosses him out or they fight, or she has an overnight hooker job (yes, she still works)... and his attitude toward me is that of a "buddy"... tho when he sees my resolve is slipping and he might lose it all, he turns on the charm a bit. We have 22 years and two kids (both grown and gone) , so a lot of history and memories...
Now all of his money goes to her support and pampering, and that is another bad side of the "best friends"..he'll call me to chat about the news/sports/life and if i ask where he is, he is in the waiting area of a salon, as she has a massage, or pedicure, or someother pampering that he pays for.... as my house sinks into disrepair and i do without the niceties of life that i used to enjoy.
Being his "best friend" just made his other relationship easier, and deepen into more ...at least in his mind. I'm sure that in her mind, he is still just a well paying customer. either way, as i stood by waiting for him to "work it out"..i ended up being sloppy seconds to a prostitute who may end up with him in the end. some folks would say, "good, the whore deserves the trash, let her keep him", but truth be told, like Heather, i feel love is unconditional and yes, i would forgive and take him back.Its impossible to just forget 22 years. I just feel that treating him nicely and tolerating his relationship has just worked against me.
exhausted
Hi me and my husband have been going through hell the past 3 years he has been unfaithful and abusive. Our arguments often can turn violent so I find myself not really saying what I feel. I get the impression that he feels he did nothing wrong and thats because it is not happening to him. He wants to go out with his friends to a bar at least once a week and i am not comfortable with that after what has transpired not to mention that I am not aloud to go out with my friends. He will threaten with violence if I do. It is the same arguement every week and I tell him I want out I give up and he absolutely refuses to let me go. He plays the violence card the Ill hunt you down bit. I am going out of my mind if there was ever a case for you doc this is it you would not believe the stories i have to tell. We have been together for 20 years this sunday and i am only 35 and yes i still love him but do i want to continue in this madness no! we have 2 children and that is the only reason i am still there. HELP! DR GUNZBERG
What is communication?
Communication, what is that? Ever since we went to this quack of a counselor, communication has been useless. You see he took his side! Told me that "HE DID IT, HE'S SORRY, NOW GET OVER IT!" After two months of hearing it was just a fling (a 9 month fling) I had proof that my husband had been lying to him. He then told me I am a drama queen and I love to argue. Well that was it for me. I stopped going. And when I learned that after another month he wasn't even going to try and see what the undelying problem was, I asked my husband to stop going. It was TOO LATE. By then my husband had enough ammunition for whenever I tried to reason with him. At first all I heard was I did it now get over it. Then when I pointed out that he was lying and it was over something insignificant, he would call me a drama queen or say that I love to argue. It has been over 3 years and whenver I try to talk to him it's always the same thing. He sent me a text about a lifetime filled with love and laughter. I asked him where the love was (he just tried to cheat on me,14 days ago) his reply was" stop closing your eyes and look at the past 24 years of having a roof over your head, food in your belly clothes on your back, cars, jewerly and vacations". So being newly wounded again, I said and what about the affairs I didn't ask for. All I aked for is your love, honesty and trust. He started again with you love to argue, Drama, you love drama. All I wanted to point out was that how could he say that after he was just caught trying to cheat yet again. That I just want the truth and whenever he is caught in a lie, his defenses come up and I am a drama queen. How do you communicate with that?
Susan