Are Your Suspicions Justified?
Jessica had noticed a change in Eric’s behavior lately. He was pensive, distant, disconnected. He seemed to be hiding something.
She had seen him act this way before, and it made her sick to her stomach to see it again.
The last time he was like this, he was having an affair.
Her mind reeled at the terrifying possibilities.
What if he had gone back to his old lover? What if he found a new one? She had already been through the nightmare once. She didn’t think she could handle it again.
When Jessica asked Eric about it, he said, “I know I’ve been a little off recently. And I know what you’re thinking. You have every right to your suspicions, but it isn’t like that. Not this time. I’d like to tell you about this sweetie. But I can’t. Not right now. Give me time, and I will share everything with you.
I promise.
She wanted to believe her husband. She desperately hoped he was telling her the truth. But even though she wanted to give them the space he had requested, she wasn’t sure she should or could do it.
Eric had made a lot of changes. She was starting to trust him again. But could she really trust this man? Could she turn her heart over to him one more time, and believe in him when he had lied to her and turned her world upside down before?
Have you been in Jessica’s shoes? Are you plagued by the idea that your spouse is having an affair right under your nose? Do your suspicions haunt you day and night, whether you have evidence for them or not?
If so, you are dealing with one of the most complex and challenging parts of healing from an affair.
For one thing, suspicious feelings can bring all your doubts and fears bubbling back to the surface again. You might experience a renewed sense of terror over the possibility your spouse is cheating on you again.
The problem is further complicated if you feel you don’t have a right to your suspicious feelings. This often happens when an injured partner notices positive changes in his or her spouse, yet is confronted with a situation that makes him or her feel that something is wrong.
As a result you can end up in the very dilemma Jessica was stuck in. You have all these awful feelings coming up again, but you aren’t sure whether to trust your suspicions (which could be wrong), or trust your spouse (who could be lying to you).
To help you handle this dilemma, in this article I am going to teach you how to start developing a “suspicion filter.” This filter will make it a little bit easier to determine which suspicious feelings you should act on and which you should let go of.
This can give you the power to take advantage of those suspicious feelings and use them as a means to draw you and your spouse closer together again, instead of letting them plague you and drive you apart.
You should know, though, that most professionals are not any better at determining lies than you are. I always tell my clients that I won’t vouch for anybody.
Creating a Suspicion Filter
One evening not too long after the encounter described above, Jessica decided to stop by Eric’s office just after closing time. She had decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, and she thought it would be nice to surprise him and invite him to dinner.
When she got there, the office was closed. Which was a bit weird, because Eric usually stayed at the office for about an hour after closing to finish things up.
Then she noticed that there were only two cars in the parking lot—Eric’s and his friend Bill’s.
What could this mean?
Suddenly another awful possibility hit Jessica.
“Bill and Eric are out carousing,” she thought. “Those $#$%#%$! And Bill … he’s married, too. But then I’ve heard he has a bit of a reputation as a player …”
Jessica’s mind took over, and the wild scenarios it created began to make her feel sicker and angrier by the moment.
What would you do if you were in Jessica’s shoes? Would you act on your suspicions, confront Eric with this issue, and discuss it with him, or would you let it go, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and assume he was telling you the truth?
If you haven’t been through an affair, you might let an incident like this go without another thought. Or you might casually mention you stopped by the office, expecting to get a rational explanation from your spouse about his or her whereabouts.
But when you have experienced an affair, situations like the one above can raise a lot of questions for you about how honest your spouse is.
Every time you are in a situation where suspicious feelings like these come up, the question you ultimately face is this:
Should I confront my spouse about this or not?
This is where a suspicion filter comes into play.
When you develop a suspicion filter, you make a series of choices about whether or not a given situation or a particular suspicion is worth addressing.
In some cases it is very important to address suspicions. Dealing with areas where your suspicions are a serious issue will help you learn to trust your spouse again, assuming your spouse is acting with integrity and is willing to discuss these issues honestly and openly with you.
On the other hand, there are some areas where acting on your suspicious feelings will probably do more harm than good.
If you have seen legitimate change in your spouse and you don’t have a logical reason to be suspicious, it may be better to let the situation pass. After all, at some point you are going to have choose to trust your spouse again even though doing so makes you potentially vulnerable to more hurt feelings.
The question is how to know which suspicions to confront your spouse about and which ones to let go of.
Start by adopting your most adult, analytical frame of mind to assess the situation at hand. Decide within yourself whether or not you have a logical reason to be suspicious about what’s going on.
What is the likelihood that your spouse is acting with integrity and not betraying you again? What is the likelihood that he or she is telling the truth?
As you consider this, take your spouse’s recent behavior into account.
Considering the following might help you make your assessment:
• Have you noticed a favorable character change in your spouse?
• Has he or she been transparent recently? That is, has your spouse been open and forthcoming with personal information, including readily sharing his or her whereabouts, email accounts, activities, and plans?
• Has your spouse been actively engaged in working out the problems in your marriage?
• Have you received an appropriate and complete apology from your spouse? Is your spouse readily willing to reassure you and repeat the apology if you ask?
Answers to these questions should speak to the integrity of your spouse and help you determine how likely it is that he or she is telling you the truth in this particular circumstance.
However, whenever you are dealing with someone with a history or lying and cheating, there is always the chance that even noticeable changes do not reflect internal character change.
In any situation where you are trying to predict human behavior you can’t know what is going to happen—you can only make an educated guess about the probability of a particular response.
The bottom line is that you have to work with the information you can see and hear, and not with the information you wish you had. Look and listen with some objectivity. If you have to stretch your mind to make suspicious reasons or behavior credible, then you might have a problem.
However, if your spouse has been acting above board in all the ways I mentioned above, and has very plausible reasons for any suspicious behavior, you might decide not to act on your suspicious feeling. These suspicions are caught in your filter and you don’t address them.
That doesn’t mean they aren’t justified. They could be. Either way, you always have a right to feel what you feel. It isn’t worth being ashamed of your feelings. If your spouse wants you to feel differently, not ever questioning his or her honesty, then he or she should go back and not have the affair. Wait a minute; that can’t be undone...
You have legitimate reasons to question your spouse if you are in the aftermath of an affair. But if you’re trying to get past the pain, and learn how to move on with your relationship, at some point you will have to make a choice to trust your spouse again.
It’s very likely that fears of being duped again will come up for you. That’s natural in your situation.
The question you have to ask yourself is whether or not this is a reasonable risk for you to take.
Part of this will depend on the situation you are confronted with. Part of it will depend on how much change you see in your spouse. Part of it will simply depend on how much risk you are willing to take, and that is something nobody but you can decide.
If the current infraction is serious enough to raise real problems for you even when you look at it from an adult, analytical point of view, then you should at least discuss the issue with your spouse.
This does not mean you should attack or accuse your spouse. It means you should sit down and describe the situation as you experienced it, but without blaming or accusing.
Let your spouse describe the situation as he or she experienced it as well. If you are still disturbed, explain what about the situation concerned you.
If your spouse is cooperative, he or she should work at making sense of how this situation upset you. After your spouse understands logically how it concerned you, then your spouse should explain back to you the logical progression of how you became concerned.
Your spouse’s reaction to this conversation will be a good indicator of how serious he or she is about your relationship, and another indicator of honesty and commitment.
Jessica passed the situation above through her suspicion filter, and decided it was time she and Eric talked seriously about what was going on with him. Here’s what happened.
When Eric got home that night, Jessica confronted him about where he had gone after work.
She said, “Eric, I want to trust you. But today I stopped by your work just to invite you for dinner, and you weren’t there. All I saw was your car and Bill’s, and that made me feel worried that maybe you two were out flirting with the girls at the bar.”
Eric heaved a deep sigh, and said, “I can finally tell you what’s been going on these last few weeks. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner, but I didn’t feel it was appropriate.
I found out that Bill had been sleeping with his secretary Jill. Because I know what it’s like to make that kind of mistake, I wanted to talk with Bill and let him know that his actions were going to cause him misery.
I didn’t want to tell you until I had talked with Bill about it. It didn’t seem right.
I’m sorry if that worried you. I want you to trust me too.”
Jessica was so relieved tears came to her eyes. She gave Eric a big hug. But she also wanted to work out a way that she and Eric could keep such problems from coming up in the future.
So they agreed that Eric would call and leave Jessica a message on her voicemail anytime he was going to be late from work for any reason.
Eric immediately agreed and apologized for not thinking about that on his own. He also told Jessica that he would try to remain as open with her as possible so they could continue to work on their trust issues.
Jessica and Eric are a success story. They continued to work on the problems in their relationship and eventually created a marriage that was better than ever.
You can do that too. And you can use your suspicion filter to help make that happen.
When your internal alarm goes off and tells you there’s a reason to be suspicious, analyze your feelings. If they are worth addressing talk to your spouse about it openly and rationally. If they are not, let them pass by.
More information on this important part of healing from an affair is in my book Surviving an Affair and in my guide on rebuilding honesty entitled How to Rebuild Honesty.
Let me know how it goes with you. I’d love to hear about your marriage. Post a comment to this blog by clicking the comment link below.
As always, I wish you all the best on your road to a wonderful marriage.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
can't seam to get past
Aug 18th 2007 was the day It happen. My husband rented a hotel room it was planned 3 days in advanced. She keeped him waiting in his car for well over an hour. it was an hour drive to the hotel. he never told me about the hotel i found out on my own. what he did tell me was he had bad intentions. When confronted with my proof he claims he chicken out. I know for a fact (from casino card activity) he was in the room for 40 minutes. My gut and every fiber of my being tells me he had an ongoing affair with her. One big reaason is he know things in the bedroom that he didn't know for the last 26 years. My question to you is how, can I move on thinking It's on the foundation of lies. Believeing he thinks he got away with it. as you can see by the date it's been one year, It's better for me but i'm still torchored somedays.
Want to believe the best is yet to come
Last May I found out my husband was having an affair. He has always been a very giving man and over the past several years our family has gone through some very difficult times with family crises & health issues, work problems, etc. These trials have been hard but have definitely made us stronger. Through all this, I focused on getting through the hard times and can honestly say that I was so involved with work and getting through the trails that I took for granted our relationship. He told me when I found out about the affair that he had felt so lonely over the last years. I don't feel this is an excuse for what he did as I do feel he should have come to talk to me before taking that step but apparently his relationship first grew out of a friendship. When I found out in May he promised to break it off. I completely changed my work hours and my focus and we truly began working on our relationship, including seeking counseling at our church. I was again devastated to found out in September that he was still seeing her and he again promised that he would end it. Both times he called her in my presence to tell her it was over! Since then I have had suspicions that it continues as the woman has called me through this entire time harrasing me and insisting that they are in love. He would say that she was crazy and that I should not let her get under my skin. He would tell me that I had nothing to worry about anymore. I told him from day one that he was free to go but he insists that he loves me and that he does not want to leave. Yesterday, the woman called me at work again but this time to tell me that he had gone to her house and picked up all of his belongings, returned her key and that it was finally over. She said she realizes that he does not have the guts to leave me and that she has come to terms with it. While I know she doesn't want anything good for me, she made it sound like she was warning me that I need to watch out because she claims she was not the first and will not be the last. She spilled a lot of venom about what she claimed she knew. Obviously, she is scorned and wanted to hurt before departing our lives! All along he has sworn that he has never been unfaithful before and I honestly have never had any evidence to the contrary. When I got home and confronted him about going to her house again, he immediately told me that he had because he needed to have closure and pick up the countless things he had at her place. He told me that it was definitely over now once and for all. That he had come to the realization that he was just being a pig and that he could no longer live with himself. He went to her house while she was at work and I am pretty sure this wa true because earlier in the day when I could not find him, I called her work and she had answered. He could not understand why I was upset. I felt like he wanted some kind of gold star for finally breaking it off. All I kept thinking is that since last September he has been telling me how much he loves me and that I no longer have anything to worry about. He sends me sweet texts throughout the day and has been so attentive towards me. I honestly have felt like we are falling in love again but deep in my heart, I have still been struggling with the deception and the fear that it was still going on. So now, it sounds (since she has confirmed it) that it is really over and while I feel relieved, I also feel like I am back to square one...feeling completely betrayed by knowing that he had continued this when he had said it was really over. I want to so desperately believe that the best is yet to come now but I wonder if I will ever be able to trust him again and if next month he will change his mind and start seeing her again. Please pray for me!
I want to believe the best is yet to come
I feel for you because I have gone through many of the same things as you! It is very hard to deal with the lies and the disappointment when we find out yet again that they are lying! I had that for over a year even though we were in couneling and a support group. It is so hurtful. I have had the other woman callng and txting me the most crazy things, like I was ruining her life and all the things they had done etc. It is a bitter pill to swallow and the trust hard to come by. I have wasted many hours spying and searching for anything that would indicate they have started again. It has been about a year now that I believe that there is no contact, but I still worry at times! I would also say if you love this person then go and be with her and let me live my life! I am not helpless and can take care of myself. They are selfish and don't want to let go for fear that they will want to come back. The old have your cake and it it to story! The past few months have been better and I feel that there is hope for us! I pray for the day when I no longer think about the things that have gone on and the pain I still feel inside. I want that stuck feeling to be gone from my life! Sometimes I wonder if I would be further along in my healing if I had just moved on. That is the question I often run through my mind. I do know this, I will go if anything like this should happen again. This was the second affair at his job since 1998 and his last gf said that he had 2 others prior to that and he did finally admit that! So it has been a long road with no certain answers. I have done much work on myself with much more to learn, but I am feeling better about me and I know what my options are in the future and I have set certain boundries and I will stick to them no matter how hard it may be. I am a fighter and I will survive whatever the future holds fir me. With or without him! I hope you find much needed peace!
Are my suspicions justified
Well I want reveal our names but what do you do when you check your husbands call activity and see that he has been texting someone all day and he has already be caught cheating? He still want return home but tells you that the affair has ended. But deep down you feel know or feels like its a lie but you cant tell him you've been checking his phone records because thats how you caught him anyway? There is really no communcation between you him and your just about at the end of your ropes trying to save your family. What are you to do? I'm losted I don't want to give up on my marriage but I'm starting to feel like it is just not going to work and he is not going to change!
secrecy vs. privacy (and therapy)
I'm unsure how to comment on your blog posts, but here's a question I have about transparency. In your materials, there is an emphasis on total transparency. How do you feel about total transparency in relation to a spouse who is in therapy? I've been working on some personal issues for the last year and a half. During one of our personal conflicts, I told my wife that I'd tell her about what was discussed in therapy. Sometimes, however, I find this difficult -- in an hour's session, many subjects, with a lot of gray areas may be discussed and when I tell my wife later, I don't always have a clear sense of how to summarize or report back on the session. And, I guess I've come to understand that therapy is intended to be a private matter. I feel like I'm trying to avoid secrecy and not hide infromation from my wife but I also want to have some privacy about my therapy. Suggestions?
suspicions justified
All I can say is to follow your heart. It has been 4 years as of July 10, that I found out that my husband of 19 years at the time was being unfaithful. When I look back there were all kind of signs, but, I did not see them. Shall I say, I probably unconsciously, did not want to see the signs.
If you want to make your marriage work, you have to talk and you both have to be willing to make changes and be accountable. Your husband has to be an open book. That's what it took for my husband in order for our marriage to even begin to heal and for the trust to start again. We separated for two months and after realizing that we still cared for one another, we began to work on our marriage. We did not do counseling, but after praying about it, I read every book that I could about affairs and had my husband read them too. I needed to understand the whys, and how and he needed too also. The cell phone records had to be accessible, we were on separate accounts, we combined them. I have all passwords to bank accounts, we had separate ones. My husband had to understand what he did was wrong and had to be willing to help fix the wrong.
I will not lie to you, it is not easy. The discovery was the most painful and emotionally draining experience that I have had to deal with thus far in my life. I can tell you, the power of prayer is for real and it lifted my spirits to heights I had never known. I had to learn that his affair(s) was not about me and I was not the blame. I also learned that no matter what I did, I could not stop him from being unfaithful, not even now. I do know that when I feel something is not right, I let him know. But,your husband has to change his ways first. Tell him exactly how you feel, just like you have shared with us. He is your husband afterall. You owe yourself that much. If he truly cares and loves you, he will have to listen. Just dont' tell him, "We need to talk." Reference to Steve Harvey.
I wish you all the best. It is a long recovery, but, you will recover. My husband and I can joke about it now. He does know that I wont go through that again. Next time, he's out for good. Love should not hurt, if it hurts, it can not be love nor good for you. Also, remember to Love Thyself cause you are Worthy!
Peace and Blessings in PA
Suspicions justified
My husband of 30 years was coming home later and later beginning in September of 2008. He also began to take out a lot of loans and even started selling plasma three times a week for extra money. At one point he was taking from our household money up to five hundred dollars a month. When I confronted him on these matters he informed me that I was crazy. In May on our anniversary he did not buy me a gift as a matter of fact he informed me that he would be taking me to dinner and then be off to work.Well in September as his behavior escalated from verbal abuse to physical abuse he informed me that he would be moving out on his own. He had a woman calling him on his cell within two weeks. She informed me that they were lovers. This carried on until November and he would call and argue with me protecting this other woman. I agreed to meet her for she would not stop harrassing me. I was shocked to see how unattractive and trashy she was. She gave me all the details of their sexual escapades. I then informed her that although he was sexual with her he was not explicit to her: for he was also being intimate with me. He stated that she was crazy and a liar. Well he came home in January of 2010, within two weeks he began to leave one hour early for work and the other woman gave me a call to let me know he now had a new friend at another convenience store. She was upset for this is how their relationship began. I went to the convenience store and did find him there laughing and talking with another very unattractive woman. When I informed him that I had seen him he became very upset and stated that I had no right to follow him.He insisted that he was not there and that I was imagining seeing him. He then informed me that as soon as he gets enough money he will leave me again. I am stunned and very hurt that he would threaten me in this manner. I don't know if I should go on with this man I truly love him despite his treatment of me. Maybe I some counseling. Need a response from you ladies out there. Thank you very much.
reply
Thank you for that! We had a talk about the cell phone although he still implys that all communcation has been cut off between he and her. But from the conversation I picked up on some things. Deep down he stills loves me and he wants this marriage! He has not moved back home because of all tha agruing and fighting, he is also scared that once he move back home, that I may decide that I don't want him after all. This is a hard road and stressful one but I really want my marriage. He also have read some of the lessons from how to save your marriage. That really surprised me! But what I did get him to do after trying so hard for about a month to do, was he open up alittle, and I must say I did feel alittle better.
It's a start
Great! I am glad you are having some progress. This journey is a tough one, but you can not do it alone. We all in relationships have to remember, communication is key. Without it, we get assumptions and unanswered questions and feelings and that's not good. If you can't talk or express your feelings, what's the point?
The one thing I can not understand about affairs, is the fact many say they couldn't talk to their spouse or the other person always listened. My question is, did you even try to talk to your spouse or even let them know how you were feeling. Probably not. If so, why stay in a relationship that is not beneficial? Move on. That's what I tell my husband now. If ever he feels that he needs someone else, let me know. It will hurt, but, I know it wont hurt forever. That way we both can find happiness. Which is what we all deserve.
The unfaithful spouse also needs to recognize that there is going to be anger and should be willing to understand this and not put a time limit on that anger. Once you get past the hurt and it does hurt, you will be able to forgive. It doesnt mean you have to constantly punish the unfaithful spouse, but, let your feelings known and then with their help, find healing. It takes time. It has been 4 years for me and I am amazed at the place I am at now versus that fateful day in July 2005. A place I never want to visit again and hope no one has too.
In the mean time take care of yourself. Don't let this consume your every moment. I know it's easier said than done. But, give it a try.
Much success to you.
Sleep Talking another womans name
I cheated on my wife years before we got married and confessed and apologized a few months before we said our vows. Since then we have been struggling trying to piece things back together. we have been married for a bit over a year and we still argue and fight, most times it feels like for nothing. i am posting right now at 3:30 am because we just had a huge blow up and now she isn't talking to me. i fell asleep on the couch (where i am relegated to on most nights) while she was watching tv and woke up to find her standing over me very angry....she kept asking me what i had been dreaming about. I hadn't had any dreams... any that i can remember anyways. She finally told me that i was saying the other girls name in my sleep.
i know she is suspicious of me and i cant begin to understand what kind of pain i have caused her.... i dont know what to do...i cant control what i do when i am unconscious. I dont think about the girl when i am awake and have no idea why she would come up in my dreams. i just want to stop it before it hurts my wife anymore or causes us to fight, she has been through enough and i am trying my best and i jut want to make her happy. i am being completely transparent with her, she has access to all of my email my bank records and she can look at my cell phone whenever she likes and review my call and text history, i dont go out without her unless i am running to the store or going to work, i talk to her at work all the time and call to check in (is there anything else i can go to be more transparent?...advice plz)...the only thing hurting this transparency is sometimes she wants details of me cheating on her and i genuinely dont remember. i want her to trust me again and i feel like tonight has been a major setback and what makes it worse is i cant control it... someone please help or offer some advice!
hurt as well
Hello,
I am a wife who was cheated on after 20 years of marriage so a little different in timing BUT I wanted to answer about some of your comments you said your wife wants to know details about the affair.
I DID AS WELL, I have no idea why but I HAD TO KNOW.. it just made me feel more like it was a nightmare like it was a piece of that nasty puzzle we were trying to put together so we could put it in the box and never open it again. What is it you fight over? The affair? IS the other women still around like do you see her is she local?
I also want to say you sound VERY remorseful like my husband and that's a GOOD start you truly want your wife not to be hurt any more, I can tell by your writing.
THANKS also for saying you dont remember my husband tells me he doesn't even remember what sex was like with her their affair was over 16 months ago .
Can I ask you something , since you are a man? He said he never loved her they only had sex a total of 6 times never went out , bought gifts nothing special just sex, he said there was NO love so he doesn't even remember what the sex was like is that POSSIBLE? You see before the affair we had only been with each other sexually and I have no idea if yo can forget that?
My story is the LONG story under the trust trigger post blogs page if you want to read it.
Lizz
sleep talking another woman
I can only give you advice based on what I went through, so please filter out what may not apply. Your wife is not finding closer for some reason wheather its something you have not done or said. In your quest to full discloser are you doing it with hints of anger or resentment " HERES MY PHONE LOOK AT IF THATS WHAT YOU NEED". I HOPE YOU GET MY MEANING WITH THE CAPS. Are you truely sorry or feeling it was no big deal we weren't married yet. This is something only you can answer. If it's not any of this. Maybe shes letting the anger consume her. she needs more time. Try not to engage in the fighting. I know this is hard sometimes even impossible. let her blow her steam and whens she done ask her what are you feeling how can I help, I love you you mean more to me than (insert something here). I let that anger consume me for a while (what my husband had to listen to make's me ashamed of myself). To me distant will slow (a seprate bed) this healing process down. show her how much your love her with touching NO STRINGS ATTACHED, kind words, little things making coffe in the morning when you don't drink the stuff. You get my meaning. I hope this helps
from someone whos been there.
B
Time can heal
Give your wife some time. I have been on the injured party side of this and it takes a lot of time. When she asks for details, give them without being too specific. Some details will only hurt her worse but sometimes our imagination is worse than the truth. You can't help what you say in your sleep but I understand her pain with that. To have to hear you say the other woman's name at all is like a knife in the heart. Continue to be loving and transparent and patient.
Thanks for responding
thank you for the encouragement. i will continue to be loving and transparent and patient. i just need to know if there is anything else i can do to show her how much i care. things have gotten bad in the last few months and i keep trying to show her how much i love her but it seems like she doesn't care. i take flowers home, i cook dinner, we go out to dinner, i tell her i love her constantly and i never leave the house without (trying to if she will let me) giver her a kiss and telling her i love her.
i want to know what is going on in her head because i am starting to worry she is not in love with me anymore. there are times when we argue that she says she wishes she never married me and that i am the worst thing that ever happened to her. i am starting to feel very discouraged and lost and want desperately to make her see i love her and i am not going anywhere and want her trust back.
as someone on the other side of the spectrum what do you think is going on in her head? what would you as the injured party want to see change in your spouse to let you know how much he cares and how serious he is about changing and making your relationship a happy one?
-original poster
Me again
WOW ,
I just read this it sound like you are REALLY working hard , tell me did you and your wife seek any counseling? Sounds to me like you need to go that route because you have tried everything to show her how remorseful you are and she sounds like she needs more help.
It was wonderful for my husband and I.
Dont get me wrong its been 15 months and I still have a lot of anger , but telling you she shouldnt have married you and stuff is really not healthy for either of you.
Please keep us posted I hope things get better soon
Lizz
been separated for seven months
Hi I am a single male who had a girl friend for three years
she left me just because xmas and was lining up another guy behind my back
she said that she did not want me any more
I have been in alot of pain since but it has slowly got better over time
I guess I am better off without her but I still miss the good times
we owned a house together and she has bought my share off me
I said that I did not want to be friends anymore because it would be too painful
she has not tried to contact me in a couple of months which is good
I did try to get her back for a little while but she was not interested
I guess why would I want someone who is lining someone up behind my back
I guess my example is not a good one to use but I just thought I would share it
kind regards
J
How do you use trust filter with away spouse?
I found out that my husband spent 7 nights at London Renaissance hotel between June and Dec. 2008 on Dec. 21st 2008. Initially he lied that it was a day trip to discuss family issues with his mother but later added more to the tale. On dec 25th I found a receipt that he used tyo check into the hotel that says 2 people checked in, he denied ever checking in with anyone that it was the hotel's mistake. To cut the long story short, after several pointers to cheating (deleting cell phone records, hiding his phone and computer, making phone calls at ungodly hours)he confessed that he did do some things that he regrets but nne involved infidelity.
This man lives in Africa, comes home once in 4 or 8 weeks. How can I ever trust me again, he says over and over that he loves me and the children but which responsible man will leave his family in the U.S and go to Africa. We've been at this for a while now, I cry everyday, all night, I'm begining to loose my energy.
When he comes home he expects red carpet, I still struggle to be the wife but its killing me. I'm afraid of what will happen to my children if I leave him, I see how happy they are and I am willing to do anything to give my children healthy youth life but of what use will that be if I lose myself in the process. Many times I cry and choke with no one to console me.
The accident
well my problem was well interesting. I had been married for 5 years now, and let me tell you it has not been a bed of roses. I guess I would have to say things started about 2-3 years ago,after our first child. MY husband was over joyed at the thought of being a dad, but as time went on things became more confusing to me. he had shut down and was not communicating with me at all, and wasn't there for me emotionally which made things harder for me to cope with, which made me turn to a friend for support and that turned into a relationship that I felt was helping me with my emotional feelings, and then turned to something more, I had fallen in love with him, and I was going to leave my husband because of the neglect. He was there for me and made me whole. I didn't know how to tell him that I had fallen in love with another. well as time went on and things were getting worse , that's when the accident occurred . My husband had fell and hit his head on the forklift and had to be life flighted to the hospital because he was unresponsive to anything they did to him. He said that that scared him and he had to rethink his life again. he said that the way he treats me will change. I had told him of the affair and what he said had floored me. he said that what I did was justified and that he wasn't mad at me for what I had done and that he deserved it. I don't care who you are if you fell like the better half of you isn't there for you, and you have to resort to another to fill that void, it is o.k. to have a friend there for you, but to take it to the next level isn't. I hurt myself also because I wasn't being truthful to my self and also the person I had married. After this we had become more closer than ever, but there will always be that thing in the back of my mind if things are going to end up the same way again.
Perfect timing.
Lately my spidey sense has been tingling. It's been over year since I found out about the three year affair. Found out quite by accident just days before our 17yr anniversary. The last time my spidey sense tingled was back in Dec and shortly after I found out that my wife had reestablish contact with him. I'm getting that same vibe. This message gives me a lot to think about and help me decide next steps. Thanks Dr. Frank Gunzburg as I find your message very helpful.
Such good counsel
These articles are so helpful, and true. I found out about my husbands affair 10 months ago. He has walked away from this affair and we are working toward healing our marriage. This particular article has been very confirming to the things we have been working on. There has been situations that have come up and I in the beginning would hold the emotions in until I blew up at him, threatened to leave him, said many hateful things just to hurt him... only to regret and realize that what I was doing and how I was handling it was wrong. And that I needed to learn how to communicate and deal with my feelings correctly, not deny them, but deal with them correctly.
Since then, I have been working on my communication, and he has been working on his. This has been a lot of work, but we are moving forward and growing, learning, and healing.
I have been receiving Dr. Gunzberg's emails and they have encouraged me so much during the darkest of days. Thank you so much for them
Trusting again??
My husband has been anything but transparent or open, nor has he apologised... in fact if I am feeling suspicious he rounds on me, swears at me, and says he feels as though he is in a cage. He deletes all records on his cell phone, I never see his cell phone bill, and at times he is withdrawn and distant. When I ask him if he is OK, he asks why not and here we go again!!!
I have tried so hard not to say anything to him if I am suspicious and I do not question him as often as he would try to insinuate..... but his responses and aggressive/defensive behaviour only makes me more suspicious rather than less. So I end up keeping quiet and pushing my feelings down for a quiet life.
He still sleeps in the spare room where he has been for the past two years and we have no physical side to our marriage.... I feel as though I am living a charade, with a man who may as well be a tenant instead of my husband. Yet I am scared of him, scared of sending him away, and very angry with myself for not being stronger.
I think I am at a dead end..... and have lost my confidence to do something about my situation.
to anonymous
If your husband were serious about fixing this problem he would not swear at you when you check up on him - he would understand that you are insecure and need reassurance. I have had this situation and in my case it reinforced the fact that his 'affair' was not over and finished as he had told me. In fact it was dragging on, even though he didnt really want it to. Unless your husband is open and frank you MUST suspect something. Also, the fact that you both have lived separate lives for 2 year must mean he cant or wont get back to you. Best advice I ever heard was "you live a life, not a relationship". Get your own life back, separate from him, and then you will have some confidence either to go it alone, get a new partner, or be strong enough to fix things with your husband. But whatever, get your OWN life back!
What are you trusting?
Ask yourself what are you getting out of this relationship? Are you happy with your situation? How long are you willing to live in "a charade?"
I don't know if there are any children involved. But, if there are, just know kids know that there is trouble.
You say your husband says "why not" when you ask if everything is okay. Of course, it is okay with him. He is obviously living the life he wants to live and is happy with it, with the acception of you periodically asking him questions. I used to ask my husband the same thing, "are you happy?" He would always say yeah. Four years ago, I found out why he was happy. He had all of his conquests and he had "Molly the Maid" at home taking care of the children, household chores and all of his needs at home. Who wouldn't be happy? But, I knew I wasn't satisfied with the status quo. My husband did not get aggressive or defensive when I asked him. Believe me, his happiness was short lived when his slut started calling me and leaving nasty voicemails. Never once saying who she was, but said ugly things about me. Of course he played it off good, telling me to change my cell number. Long story short, after looking over cell bill, found out who she was. Can we say "Waiting to Exhale!" I thought I was Angela Bassett! We can chuckle about it now! Please know, no violence was ever involved. I just got his sh** out of my house. I mean all of it. Clothes baskets come in real handy.:)
I don't know you, but it sounds like you are being emotionally abused and girlfriend you do not deserve that. I certainly hope his "aggressive/defensive behaviour," is not physcical. If so, you need to leave! Now!
Life is too short. You need to regain your confidence, by taking care of You! Your husband is just a man and certainly does not own you. You say you are scared, you really need to talk to someone and get help. Getting angry with yourself, don't blame yourself for your situation. You have apparently have been beaten down psycologically. Please seek help from a girlfriend, a trusted family member or your local church or better yet a women's shelter.
You need to follow your heart. It makes no sense to live in life that your are living. This blog is called Saving your Relationship. Dear heart, you need to Save yourself.
No one on this board, should accept behavior like this from anyone. It is unhealthy!
Once you save yourself, then you can focus on what you want to do with your marriage. If you feel that this marriage is worth saving, maybe you should flip the script. Stop asking him questions about his whereabouts and if he is happy. You need to ask yourself those questions. Once you find the answer, only then can you move on. Start trusting yourself. Start Loving yourself.
I know you are scared, things can not get any worse. You can only make things better for yourself and your children, if you have any. You deserve much better than what you are currently accepting for your life.
Peace and Blessings to you!
I FEEL FOR YOU
Hi I can relate to you. don't fell like your the only one out there. I to had the very same thing happen to me and the marriage that I am currently in. My husband had never talked to me or never had let me into his personal life. there were times where I had to pry to get answers, but the more I did this the more things became unbearable. we would fight like cats and dogs and every time I would bring up the question of how he was doing he would reply with nothing is wrong when i knew for a fact that there was something wrong with him. I Would ask and he would blow up at me and that hurts. I felt that I wasn't loved anymore that he found another, and that led me to a friend that turned out to be more than friends. we had a relationship that was for me what was missing in mine own and I had fallen in love with him.
I would come to the conclusion of leaving him because I wasn't getting what I needed in the relationship and need more that I knew he couldn't give me, but If I were to tell you that things were great right now I WOULD BE LYING TO YOU and I'm not. we had to work at this and still are . there are times when I feel things are going great but more time then none there not and I have to cope with that. you are not lost you are there and you are stronger than you think. IF YOU Fell there is nothing there then there probably isn't by the sounds of it. got a question for you I want you to think on this cause I am also. What is a marriage to you and what is a healthy relationship? does it include yelling, fighting or does it involve giving and taking , love, patience and understanding on both parts? If momma not happy ain't no body's happy. keep strong and prey you will find your answer. I did we are working on it. I hope everything OK for you let me know alright. take care of your self, that is a must he a big boy, he can take care of him self. don't make his problems yours. Ill prey for you.
Limbo
You are in limbo. One of the definitions of limbo is a region on the border of hell or heaven. If you stay in limbo you only prolong the pain of the affair. So how do you get out of limbo? First you need to take care of yourself and I mean all of yourself. Having your own counselor can go a long ways to help. Self help books are good and if you live in a major city chances are there is a support group to help you through (http://beyondaffairs.com/). At some point soon you need to make a decision on what is best for you. If your husband is not willing to accept responsibility, show genuine remorse for his actions, not willing to give you what you need to heal, and is not willing to do what he needs to be doing to reestablish trust, is there anything left for you? Life is far from over for you and you can find peace, happiness and have a wonderful future rather than sit in limbo forever thinking there is no escape. I wish you luck as I know for me personally this has been the worst thing that has ever happen to me in my life and that is saying a lot considering the things I have gone through in my life.
been there, still there.....
Dear Dead end,
you could be writting my story. I am a little further down the road but same path. So you are miserable. would you be less miserable without him there to remind you of your misery every day, every minute, every night you are alone in that bed? Well, I watched my sister move on with her life and find someone else that loves her, makes her fell alive again. I am convinced that I can too. My husband uses the same words your does. so I feel your pain. I am a strong women to every one else. I am shocking friends and family by my inability to act. Get to a lawyer and get the facts about what you have to do. This impowers you. Then go get your hair done and make up too. Get some new friends, from some new activity you always wanted to try. and feel alive again. He will not have any choice but to watch you morph right before his eyes. THEN with your new found bravado make a stand for yourself. I understand you may not be there yet. But take some baby step to help yourself. Do something good for YOU! OPEN the cage and let him go. Read the book Why love must be tough by James Dobson. It is a life saver.
Beleive me when I say if you get ahold of yourself and he still doesn't come around -- I AM SURE out of the billions of humans on this planet there is a special someone that will love you,honor you and be there for you.
Then finally, don't ever forget that the almighty GOD is there, always. so you are NEVER alone. EVER! and he never requires you to be in a marriage that is hurtful, neglectful, and not loving. He commands husbands to love their wives. I will pray for your peace and strength.
dead end 2
If he is not willing to be transparent you shouldn't be willing to stay. A healthy relationship takes two. You are worth his transparency and if he doesn't recognize that he isn't worthy of a wife that is trying work on a marriage. The ball is in your court. Stand up for yourself as the valuable human being you are. You do not have to stay in a situation where your value is diminished. Lovingly hold him to the line, why not?
Dead end
You are not at a dead end..it's a road block and you can move on. Today I am going to a lawyer after putting up with a similar situation as yours. Four years I endured the abuse of an ongoing affair because I was afraid with low self esteem and confidence but I really wanted to salvage the marriage.... It was a one way street. He had no intentions of changing and I was just a convenience to him. Today that will change. Don't let the two years turn to four. Talk to others. Take care of yourself. It's not fair and you deserve so much more.
Dead end
I, too am in this exact situation - It has taken me 18 months and some therapy to realise that this was not my fault even tho it has all been blamed on me. His latest action was to refuse to come on a family holiday that had been booked for 6 months. I did a lot of thinking and I have seen a solicitor and I will be filing for divorce. He has taken no steps at all to repair the damage in fact he flaunts it in my face. It will be strange after 20 years but there is hope I have friends of similar who have found love- so please you really do need to think of yourself after all he is only thinking of his own self. So look after yourself and do things for you. You will surprise yourself.
Dead end
I was in a similar situation but for a much shorter period of time (one month). When I first found out about the affair, my husband went back to business as usual and was still hiding things from me. This all changed when I threw him out and said I wanted a divorce. He then explained he had taken me for granted and did not fully commit to working on the relationship. He also said that the time apart (six weeks) had given him the space he needed to think about what he had done and to understand my feelings.
I realize now that my husband being a man of action, needed to see me act to take me seriously. He has since gone to a therapist, as I had done earlier, to tackle his personal issues surrounding the affair. He will also be starting couples' therapy with me. I still do not know if I want to continue the relationship because of the hurt I have suffered from the affair (I was married for 4 years and his affair I found out was going on for three of them). But I feel so much better doing what I have done as the issues have been brought out into the open and we can start moving beyond what has happened.
You might yet see a turn around in your spouse when you let him know you are prepared to leave if his behavior does not change.
bleedingheart
I was married for fifteen years to the same man . It started of that i couldn't wait to see him ,smile at him ,and sleep with him . I couldn't wait for the children to go to bed , so i could have sex ( something i love doing ) We did and went every where together. I stood behind him in any way . He has a sex drive that i was able to handle well . Until November 20th , he didn't come home . I knew from the bottom of my heart that something was on the go . Only to find out 1 month latter that he did sleep with her . That destroyed my world . I went through councelling on a medication to help me , i still am .Five years have passed , my husband has a good job working on a passenger boat . Yah you guessed it a one night stand that he said was not a good thing to do , but hey on March 1-7 th it happened again .my suspicions were soooooo right this time , i confronted him on this NO WAY did this happen i would not hurt you again . two months went by when he had no choice to let out , because the one he had the one night with , let it out fo him . This is number two now for himnow , and he said that he loves me very much , don't want any body else nor do he love any body else . He said he was sorry , that this action will never happen again . What do i believe now ? Once a cheator always a cheator . He only wanted sex with her , she came on to him , and woun't leave him alone He told he that he has a wife , he loves his wife , and don't want to put his marriage in any danger.I feel that i am not as good looking , sexey , anymore and trust me , iam a fine looking lady with a big loving heart . Selfastem is a huge thing to get over , i am woundering if i ever will Help Help please . tty bleedingheart.
bleedingheart
My heart aches for you, I am so sorry for your pain, no one knows the devastation that a woman who is still very much in love with her husband, goes through. I do, I am there right now myself, but if it ever happens again, I will leave there is no more chances. Anyone can make a mistake, I do not agree with it, but I have learned to forgive.
The second time, however, is no longer a mistake. You are an incredible woman that another man would only dream of ever having and you should never sell yourself short especially to a man who does not deserve you!
Do what is best for you and ask yourself this one question: if you had the affair not once, but twice would he be as forgiving?
bleeding heart
Dear bleeding heart: My heart goes out to you. I am wrestling with the same loss of self esteem that you are after finding out about my husband's affair. I am definitely no expert on the subject of how you recover, but I can tell you the one thing that I learned so far that may help you. Please know that the affairs had nothing to do with how attractive you are or what kind of person you are. It sounds like your husband finds you very sexy! The problem is with him he is doing it because he feels bad about something in himself. He may be the one suffering from low self-esteem. I have found out this to be true with my situation. My husband had made big mistakes in our marriage before he had the affair. He lost his business, he racked up a huge debt and made things very bad for us finacially. He got sick and couldn't work for a while. He put our family in a very bad situation. He felt guilty about all of this and bad about himself. He really needed counselling, but instead he turned to another women. we are married 21 years.
observation
After reading these blogs, that uneasy gut wrenching feeling came back again.. That my husband is capable of having an affair. I'm one of the one's that fears she will never know if he has or if he hasn't. The evidence seems to be overwhelming, the complete contradictions that I'm faced with nearly everyday - but he's constantly telling me he's incapable of an affair, he has strong morals and values and he's a decent and honourable man whom I should never question.
There has been incidents with his work phone that have caused great angst, issues over him being untruthful in the past, and not being accountable at times, yet the problem is, I can't even ask a simple question about his day without his response being nasty, telling me 'my questions are loaded' or I'm being contolling, manipulative and jealous.
I'm constantly blamed for everything negative in our marriage, and he insists that he is 'the normal one in this relationship' and I am abnormal because I find it difficult to trust him. He also is very emotionally abusive, using previous situations, my family, my body and things I do to denegrate me and if I react to those comments or actions or simply get upset, he tells me to apologise and grovel. He goes off the deep end at the slightest thing, even me confronting him on finding a condom in his wallet (we haven't used condoms since before we were married) telling me it ours from when we first started dating, even though it was still within the expiry date! He then accussed me of planting it there, and how dare I go through his wallet. Mind you, he tears apart my phone bills and contacts numbers on there he doesn't recognise... He tells me to Fu@k off, get help, I'm mentally unstable, he hates his life with me, wished he never married me, accuses me of being barron when we couldn't get pregnant, and tells me i'm on notice in this marriage and if I don't like it leave.
Two days later he's as nice as pie...
I'd like to add that I'm a psychologist, and see a counsellor regulary who has told me I'm very fit in mind and emotion. I'm 30, 5'8, very slim and often told I'm very attractive. I own a business and am financially sound. I guess it doesn't matter how pretty, fun, financial or successful you are, it doesn't make a difference to some men. Only up until a month or so ago, I didn't think I was worth anything to anyone because of the constant critism I was recieving from a man I held in such high regard, and loved hopelessly.
The fear of my husband having an affair is real - and for him not to recognise that and give me reassurance is I guess, indicative of his personality. Which I doubt will ever change.
I hope I have the strength to take the steps some of you have to improve my life and find the happiness I know I deserve.
Observation..(The one who wrote it)
Hi.. Me again. I wrote this last blog about a week ago, and nothing has changed. In fact, possibly gotten worse.
After reading all your replies, I thought at least I'm not the only person going through this. But at the same time, I keep asking myself, why are we doing this to ourselves?? Why stick around? Why continue to try to build something that is so toxic, denegrating and demoralising? Last night when my husband was at work, I received a missed phone call from him at 9.41pm, and called him back at 9.47 (6 minutes later) due to me being downstairs stacking the dishwasher - and when I rang back, he said "I don't want to speak to you now." And when I asked why, and gave him the reason why I didn't answer, he retorted with "Well, you couldn't answer the first time, so I'm not speaking to you" then hung up in my face. Am I that stupid that I wouldn't think the ONLY reason he rang me was to check up on me??
He told also told me I have to beg and get down on my hands and knees to ask and grovel to him for forgiveness because I 'make him feel bad' when I ask him questions, and because I'm 'flirty' towards men (which I am not) and because I'm ungrateful, and that he believes I go out and sleep with other guys. I am accoutable every second of the day and night, completely transparent, yet when I don't answer my phone for 6 minutes, I'm accused of the most hainess crimes.
I'm lost as to why I stay, and I fantasize about leaving him alomost everyday... Sometimes I imagine how I'll get all my things packed, and how empty the house will be if I go.. I'm tired, sick to my stomach and can't justify his behaviour anymore. As hard as it will be to leave I think it's the right thing to do.. Is it?
I dont care what your
I dont care what your husband has
he doesnt deserve a wife at all treating you like that..
He sounds bio-polar as well
sounds to me like physical abuse is next
I would leave unless he goes to counseling and gets help.
observation
Your husband sounds like mine. I have done a considerable amount of research on this problem as my love for him I feel is bording on obsession. My husband has narcissist personality disorder.with such hatred for himself he continues to chase happiness with new women to feed his ego and then throws them away. I call them his next victims and try to warn them of him to no avail as they believe his lies to a point I think he tells them that I am nuts and we have beeen living seperate lives for years. These women are actually frightened of me. I have found and internet site called narcissimcured.com with a couple who are very positive about a cure for this personality disorder. Though therapists and councillors dont believe you can cure it. It is not a medical condition that a pill will cure but a moral problem that the husband/wife eventually needs to confront and change their behavior with thier partners help. Log on and give it a go. Im in as much pain as all you poor people.
Duped good
The day my world turned upside down was August 31. My husband and I had been married for 21-1/2 years. It all seemed so perfect. When we got married I knew there was a woman he used to love deeply but she married someone else. I feared her for a long time but eventually felt safe. One day after looking over the cell phone bill to try and cut back I found a number in another state that was called several times a day. Long story short it was HER and the affair had been going on for two years! They got together, they talked, the texted, they sent disgusting videos over the phone to one another. For the next 6 months I sat in limbo while he decided who he wanted to be with. He decided to work on our marriage but the pain has been unbearable. He has been wonderful, loving, apologetic, transparent but those ghosts still haunt me. You see there were no signs. He didn't come home late or go out a lot. It all went on right under my nose. Almost a year later I still get sick to my stomach when he doesn't answer his phone. Sometimes I will hear a song and wonder if he was listening to it would he be thinking of me or her. I can't listen to music with him because of that very thing. I fought so hard to hold my marriage together and now I live with suspicion and doubt. Did they talk yesterday? I dob't think so. Did they talk today? I don't think so. Will they talk tomorrow? I don't know. He wants me to trust him and wants to rebuild our lives but I don't know how to get past this. So I understand the doubts and the pain and the suspicions. I don't think it ever completely goes away. He tells me now that he thought he loved her but realizes he never did. It was all a fantasy. He changed me and our marriage forever.
observation
You are a stable and independent woman who can take care of herself, hire a private eye and put his money where his big mouth is. I am also an independent woman married for almost 25 years to a lying cheating man who claims to love me and cant live without me. I am on my last round and I would hire one in a minute if I get even a tiny little thought now. What would you tell your clients to do? You know better, but it really is hard when you are the one dealing with the pain. It really knocks even us tough women on our butts. Hang in there! Go get the truth!
I have been going thr 4.5
I have been going thr 4.5 yrs of my man cheating with every hoes he could. Now I got to a point that I dont care, because Im the one with the house, cars and money. The wife always has the upper hand. I wouldnt waste my time looking, I go out and have a good time with my friends. Life is too short to be un-happy or racking my brains.........He will have to answer to God in the long run
I HAVE BEEN GOING THR 4.5
IT SEEMS WE HAVE THE SAME IDEA, I FIND HAPPINESS WITH MY FRIENDS. GOD CHANGE MY LIFE FOR ME. I REALIZE I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE AFFAIR, WHAT HE DOES FROM NOW ON IS BETWEEN HIM AND HIS GOD. I DON'T SIT AROUND AND WONDER AND CRY ANYMORE. I GO TO CHURCH, DINNER, VACATION WITH MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, IF HE WANTS TO COME HE CAN BUT I'LL TELL YOU IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME EITHER WAY. I'M MUCH HAPPIER THAN I'VE BEEN IN YEARS. I KEEP PRAYING FOR GOD TO GIVE ME AN ANSWER ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH MY MARRIAGE AND I CAN TELL YOU THE WAY I FEEL NOW, IF HE CHEATS WITH ANYONE AND I'M AWARE OF IT HE HAS TO GO. LIKE HIS LAST GIRLFRIEND SAID I'M DONE WITH IT. MUCH HAPPINESS TO US BOTH
Please Help
Dr Frank Gunzburg, I dont know what to do anymore. I have tried to be a friend to my husband and I am the only one who seems to communicate. We have been married for 20 years and have know each other for 27 years, I know he is going through midlife crisis and we have been seperated for nearly 2 years. My problem is that he wants his space and often goes on holidays to Thailand. My daughter who was suffering from anxiety whilst doing her VCE in the process of the seperation as well. My husband told my daughter that he will be spending time with HER after Christmas she is Asian. My husband told my daughter at her year 12 ball, so naturally she started to cry he did not confort her and asked my daughter if she wanted to meet her. Does this man not
have any emotions about other people. My two children have been destroyed by this, I seem to be the one to take care of them both with school subject selections, advice, being a single parent as well as being a friend and trying to make my children realise and understand what my husband is going through. I need to re-enter the workforce to so it has not been easy. I had a breakdown over this as he became abusive and putting me down all the time. He has stopped doing this but has not made any attempts whatsoever to try and get back together. I am just wondering if he is taking me for a ride, he did say to my daughter of 18years old that he does not deserve me. I have done everything for this man even wash his car and take on the gardening because he couldn't be bothered. Do I wait and how long for? Or do I call it off. He WAS a wonderful father and husband once upon a time. To me it seems he is not happy with his job and could have other issues that I dont know. He did not have a very good child upbringing, my mum & dad has helped us both in anyway they could. So I really dont understand why he is shutting me out and getting involved with an Asian women. I have been always the one to make peace and be strong to carry out all decisions and responsibilities. What do I do, nothing is working. Please help.