Are Mistrust Triggers Killing Your Marriage?
How to Know Your Spouse Isn’t Lying
“I’m having a hard time believing a word that comes out of his mouth,” said Ann. “When I think back to the time before I knew the truth of the affair, and how effortlessly those lies came when I’d ask why he was late getting home, well, I don’t know how I can ever trust him again. How do I know he isn’t lying?”
Ann found herself unsure of her ability to know the truth from the lies. She struggled with the blow to her self-esteem in being unable to know she was being deceived. Believing her spouse was late coming home for the reasons he gave had caused her to feel inadequate in protecting herself, unable to spot the lies when they first occurred.
“I can’t believe I fell for his ridiculous lies. Why didn’t I just know?” asked Ann, tortured by the memory of being a trusting wife, now feeling bad about herself for having faith in her cheating husband.
Ann didn’t do anything wrong. Anyone can be duped by a good liar. Even law enforcement and intelligence officials don’t get it right every time when it comes to spotting a lie. Yet, I have many people I counsel who want to know what the magic formula is for spotting a lie.
Once you’ve been devastated by the realization that a portion of your marriage was lived in a sea of untruth, it’s hard to know what’s real again. It’s only natural to yearn for the carefree relationship you may have once enjoyed where your spouse’s word was gold.
Extreme Truth Questing
After the devastating news of an affair, you may want to trust your spouse, but it’s a process that takes time, and a willing partner to work through that process and earn back the right to your trust.
But sometimes, the injured spouse wants some form of solid proof that the cheating spouse is no longer lying. For example, Ann wanted to know that the affair had truly ended, and that when her husband was late getting home now, he really did have a legitimate reason, and hadn’t fallen back into his dishonest pattern.
If you feel an overwhelmingly strong need for proof, consider taking your spouse for a polygraph test. I have worked with couples where one spouse requested the other to take a polygraph test in an effort to know the truth. It may be worth the money to you, and the test can be an accurate measure for the majority of people who take it. The traditional polygraph test is said to have a 60-70% success rate, which will vary based on the test operator and the clarity of the individual’s results.
With some of the couples who considered the polygraph, to avoid going through the test, the cheater ended up confessing enough to get out of having to do it, and the test was canceled. And since the success rate can’t be guaranteed in your situation, there’s the risk of creating even more lingering doubts that leave you feeling anything but secure in your lie-detecting ability.
How important to you is solid evidence of the truth? Only you can answer that. There are people who offer specialized lie detector training, the kind of training that people who work in the intelligence community receive. It can be an expensive endeavor, even considerably more than the polygraph test. The companies that offer these lie detection training programs claim to be able to get participants to a point of 97% accuracy in detecting a lie.
I looked at a study conducted by a psychology professor, Maureen O’Sullivan. Her study included 13,000 people, and her goal was to find those in the group who had a natural ability as human lie detectors, or what she called “wizards.” She defined a wizard as someone able to almost always detect deception. Out of 13,000 people tested, only 31 were identified as wizards. Obviously, detecting a lie can be a challenge for a good majority of people, with a rare few having a natural ability to know immediately when someone is lying.
Pull the Rug from Under Mistrust Triggers
To rebuild a devastated relationship that has been shredded by lies, you need to create a new foundation of trust, one brick at a time. Knowing with 100% accuracy whether or not your spouse is lying to you may be a futile use of your time and energy. At some point, you have to trust that your spouse is not lying to you, as long as the cheater conducts himself or herself in a trust-worthy way.
Working with couples who are committed to this process, one of the recurring themes is that the injured spouse needs more from the cheating spouse than a claim of remorse. The injured person wants to know that the cheater is working toward a change of character, from his or her deepest depths inside to the most obvious behavior on the outside.
Here are some specific actions you can take. Of course, customize these to your relationship.
Step 1: Define Mistrust Triggers: Review your past week or past month. Think of some actions or inactions that were personal triggers for mistrust—in you if you were the injured person, or if you were the cheater, the way you’ve conducted yourself in the past. For example, is he coming home 40 minutes late and not bothering to call to let you know, causing a flurry of scenes to cross your mind?
Is she supposed to be at her desk all day, but doesn’t answer her desk phone, and her cell phone has been turned off, leaving you to wonder where she is, what’s going on? Or, are you the person showing up late or not available by phone, creating those triggers of distrust?
Step 2: Increase Your Transparency: If you were the cheating spouse, look at ways to stay in contact more frequently and to be more open about your activities. For example, choose two points during the day when you will call and have a brief conversation to discuss how your day is going.
Step 3: Remove a Trigger: Choose one of the personal triggers, whether you were the spouse who cheated or the injured spouse, and today work on taking away the power of that trigger. It may involve Step 2, where you open your life up to observation in some way. For example, it may be that, if normally you don’t reveal details of your day, you share a true story today with your spouse involving your work life. Then, do it again soon.
At first, some spouses complain that revealing their whereabouts and activities feels like they are “checking in,” as if to a parent. If that is your attitude, you are going to feel resentful. This “checking-in” attitude will disrupt your ability to build trust with your spouse. I recommend you practice thinking of your new behavior as kindling a new era of transparency in your relationship. This is a loving gift you give your spouse to encourage trust and show your dedication to your marriage.
Transparency in a marital relationship is a concept I cover extensively in my program How to Survive an Affair. The couples I work with find the rebuilding of trust in their relationships to be one of the biggest hurdles to leap in repairing the damage. I prepare them in advance for this process, explaining that is going to take a great deal of work and effort. If the leap to transparency is too large for you, you might need the additional help you will find in my program, How to Survive an Affair.
Both of you will be going through a growth process, maybe learning new ways of communicating with one another that you’ve never tried before. Each of you will want to make a self-commitment to conducting yourself in a trustworthy way over a period of time to create a new and stronger framework within which to rebuild your marriage.
My best wishes for you to find the path to creating a wonderful marriage.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
P.S. For more step-by-step information on creating a new foundation of trust after an affair, please see my program How to Survive an Affair today. Inside you will find several key exercises that will help each of you take positive steps to create new levels of trust and intimacy. More importantly, the program will provide you with a realistic plan you can use over the next few months to heal yourself and your marriage.
P.P.S Now, I’d like to hear from you. What triggers do you have in your relationship that cause mistrust? Simply scroll down and click the comment link at the bottom of this page.
Who are you, i would love to
Who are you, i would love to speak to you personally. I am in a very similar situation to you. I need someone to talk to. I am in Australia, is there any way we can be in contact
Is anyone here now happy?
Just curious. Is there anyone here that is now happy in their marriage after an affair? I am reading all of the posts to find help and knowing that I'm not nuts in how I'm feeling or what I'm going through is a great comfort for me. However, I have found that reading the posts here cause the dreaded "loop" of emotions and thoughts that plague all of us.
I do hear of people who are now extremely happy after having these experiences in their marriage.
I would like to chat with people who have successfully overcome this.
getting over it
oh yes, do you get 'over it'. I dont think so. 3 yrs down the line, I suddenly find myself so angry. Why? I try and make myself think ... you are 'divorced' and onto your second marriage - just to the same person.New beginnings. But when something happens in the behaviour you think - so what has changed? Its only time and we will be dealing with another betrayal. Does anyone really ever get over it, and build a new marriage? Isnt it easier to call it quits and keep your self respect? Maybe these blogs should be part of 'pre marriage' counselling. People never realize the pain an affair costs. our 25yr old daughter had a talk with her father and told him how angry she still was. His comment ' you dont know what was happening at that time'. Excuses excuses. Never mind the fact that his wife was studying, had just suffered the empty nest syndrome, and had work issues. It was her time to get support for a change. No support - just thought of himself and had an affair. His daughter was having nothing of it. She said... Bottom line dad - YOU broke the family trust. It was not an option! That made him think, and actually apolgize to her. I still wish I could believe in 'forever'. I just dont think its possible.
mistrust triggers
i dont think my husband totally understands how i feel when he calls to say hes running late or the former other woman tries to sit with him at lunch ,it drives me crazy and i worry shes trying to get her claws into him again. how do i explain how this affair he had with a younger woman at his work hass undermined my self esteem and my sense of security.any ideas?its been 10 months since i found out about this.
I understand
I understand what you're feeling. In fact, there isn't a post in here I don't relate too.
The truth is your husband cannot fully understand how you feel. No one can see things from your point of view. You must communicate this to him. One thing I did to make my side and how I felt about everything clear to my spouse was to tell my story in a reverse sort of way. I gave instructions to my spouse to imagine if the roles were reversed and if they watched me walk out the door over and over claiming to be meeting friends. Or it was me calling them and telling them I was at a club with friends and all they could here in the background was silence or it was me that looked into their eyes and the eyes of our kids and lied in order to be with the other person. Or it was my emails with the gruesome details of my relationship with the other person they read.
For me it was the most important thing to convey to my spouse. After this, I had to see my spouse in pain and suffer. Not out of cruelty, but to know they are remorseful for what they've done. I then wanted my spouse to explain back to me what they had done and what damage they had caused and what they stand to lose because of this.
It is important for me to teach my spouse what they've done and open their eyes to reality. I think this is important for all of us.
Yes, I want to leave all the time, however I've known my spouse for 18 years and they are a part of my life like my own blood family, in fact closer. They screwed up and it is mental torture and I am forever changed for what I've gone through.
I don't know if my marriage will survive this. There seems to be no right direction to take to achieve happiness in this.
Sorry for being long winded. In short, it is up to you to let him know how you feel. What have you got to lose? If you don't try it will eat you.
Do not be afraid. Your are stronger than you think. Convince yourself of this and you will get your power back.
Oh My
While reading all these blogs and comments I relived the hardest days of my life. But what makes is worse is there is so many others like myself. I want to gather you all up and say that everything will be all right, but most of you know that, that isn't the case. Right now I am at a loss, not sure where my life is heading, with or without him, but I do want you to know that Dr. Gunzburg has helped a lot. Please if you don't have his book, "How to survive an affiar", try to get it. I'm not sure where this repy will end up, but read through the other posts, I'm sure one of them will be close to your situation. Believe in yourself, BE STRONG. Do what you think is right for you don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Utlimately it is you who lives your life, be TRUE to yourself, something your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend or partner couldn't be!
Susan
discouraged
I keep hearing things like 'if there is one lie you can be sure there are others' and it makes me wonder how I can ever trust my spouse again. What I really want to hear are responses telling me how a cheating spouse really only did it that one time with that one person and is now a paragon of fidelity and honesty. I feel so hopeless and scared to take a chance of restoring a relationship that may be better left alone. I just don't want to be make the same mistake of trusting him again. I know every relationship has an element of risk but I have been burned so badly.
To: "discouraged"
All of us fear this. However, I made a choice and I made this choice very clear to my spouse several months after I found out about their affair.
You see I have never been the jealous type. To me that is a weakness and a waste of time. No one should have to worry about what their spouses are doing. Right?
Well after I found out about the affair, as all of you know, I fell into hell. One thing I did was demand their email account password, phone, etc. and I watched them everyday. I was obsessed with it.
This went on for a long time. Then one day I realized what that was doing to me. I was being weakened more and more by this. I told myself this is not the way I want to be. I also explained to my spouse I refused to live my life like this and I would not be obsessed with their emails, phone calls, etc any longer. If they so chose to continue to screw up then it was them that would have to live with it.
What they had done was their demon to live with. It was they who decided to turn their self into something of a disgusting, low life, snake of a person.
I made this point clear and I will say since I made that decision NOT to let their mistakes eat at my soul I feel I have gotten a lot of my power back.
It is a choice you can make. Be the strong one. Don't let what they've done eat YOU. It is their mistake and make it their mistake THEY must live with, not you.
Make the choice for yourself to decide you are ok, you are strong, it is not your fault, and if your marriage does not work you will still be ok...and you will.
One thing I have to say is in order for me to do this I had to separate myself from my spouse, somewhat emotionally. We still live together to be clear. We've been together for 18 years but I had to do this in order to heal myself. What I'm doing now is communicating with my spouse and rebuilding a new foundation. I'm still watching them but not to the point of obsession. It is their choice to make now with no guarantees I'll be here however I can now watch without the obsessive behavior, and see how my spouse is coming around. I'm putting the work load in their hands...after all they caused this mess why should we have to clean it up. Isn't this how we teach our kids?
It seems to be working very well.
What to do when the spouse won't move
I found out about my wife's affairs about 6 months ago. She has admitted it as continued as recently as September. She said a few weeks ago that she is willing to really work on us before calling it quits. She has improved in the day-to-day niceties, but still has not worked on restoring trust. I have suggested some of Dr Gunzburg's ideas, but she has not responded. Is an ultimatum appropriate? Or do I just back off and pretend I don't care? Any other ideas?
(I cannot currently afford Dr. Gunzburg's book, but I have found his free course and blog helpful; I think, my marriage still isn't restored)
I am sorry you are going
I am sorry you are going through this as the hurt one being cheated on I know how you feel.
You say your wife's AFFAIARSSS , so is there more then ONE.
Are you in counseling? Personally if she is not willing to respond or work with you I dont see how she can consider that working on your marriage, you really need some sort of counseling after a affair I would recommend ANYONE who has been through this to have marriage counseling it was the best thing we have ever done.
Also get the book Fireproof (yes the one from the movie)
http://www.buy.com/prod/fireproof/q/loc/106/208125558.html
another book I read was after the affair
these are both good help books
http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174
It took my husband awhile but we watched the movie fireproof together a few months ago and we both cried so much through it , its a great movie for a couple to watch together!!
thank you continued
I have tried a couple counselors, but they were not helpful.
your welcome
I hope the books help you ,
I am so sorry, more then one affair, I cant imagine I struggle with just one not sure I could keep going in my marriage if I knew there was more then one.
Sorry the counselor didnt help we had a excellent counselor for 14 months she didnt take sides and she told both of us like it was lol.. I actually miss her , would still like to see her but I guess you cant see them for ever.
I dont understand people going with these strangers they meet on chats either ugh... my good friend keeps going with men she meets on craigs and they are all bad.
Have a great weekend
Lizz
just once?
Somebody made the comment about "once a cheater always a cheater" and recently I heard someone else say 'it's never just that one time". My husband cheated on me and he swears this was the only woman he was ever with. I think he only admits to this one because she got pregnant twice and so he couldn't deny it. Do you really think this could have been the only person he cheated with? I know they broke it off but I don't trust my own judgement anymore.
my opinions
I do not beleive you because you cheat once you cheat again or you did it before.
I am the one who wrote the LONG story below who had been with my husband since age 15.
IF I BELIEVED once a cheater always a cheater NO WAY would I be here working so hard on my marriage nor would my husband. I am sure their are men who do it over and over
my father was one, but not all and I hope more men dont then do.
I beleive my husbands cheating was ONCE in our marriage I caught him and I noticed things were different and I beleive I would have caught him if he did it in the past as well.
Lizz
This is going to be long sorry...
My husband and I starting dating at age 15
(high school sweet hearts) we fell in-love at first site!!
He graduated in 1987 at the age of 17 and our plan was for him to go to college and then we would get married, WELL his parents thought we should date other people, we did not want to date other people so his parents gave him the choice of leaving me or moving out.
At this time I was all ready out of my house. I had left at age 16 due to my parents had a drinking problem, so at age 17,( I was 18 I am 6 months older) got our own apartment, we were young but loved each other and didn't want to break up just due to his parents. We worked 50-60 hours a week to make ends meet and I went to night school to get my diploma. We decided we would get married in a year after we saved for our wedding.
So April 30th 1988 we got married BEST day of our life's, UNTIL June 22nd 1990 when we had our 1st son.
We bought out 1st house in 1991 my husband had a great job working as a IT manager (he is a computer brain) we got pregnant again on 1994 ,our baby died when I was when I was 5 months along and at 26 years old I had to have a hysterectomy we were devastated we wanted another baby. So we starting looking into adoption it was so expensive we knew that it would be a LONG time away.
Things were wonderful (dont get me wrong like every marriage we had our bad days that' normal life) but my hubby came home every day he was a great husband and dad we did everything together we did 50-50 on the the housework on our son's stuff. In August 2001 we were building a house and were temporally living with his parents August 31st 2001 his dad shot him self in the head with my husband , my self and our son(11 at the time) in the house, my father in law was bio-polar and shot 4 times in Vietnam so e had many many ailments and was in chronic pain and just couldn't take the pain anymore. Needless to say this was devastating and we went through hell BUT it actually made us stronger as a family and brought us closer, we stayed with his mother for 9 months helped her get the house ready to sell and stopped building our home and found a home all ready built to buy. ONE good thing came out of this loss, we saved enough money staying to help my mother in law to adopt a baby April 15th 2003 our son came home from Korea he was 6 months old and we were now proud parents of two boys one 12.5 years old and one 6 months old and it was our 15th wedding anniversary what better gift could you have!! So again we are in our new home (well new to us) we had a pool put in we have our new son my husband has a great job I am not working I stay home with our new baby all is wonderful!! Well I start having some health issues and end up having three foot surgery's and one hand surgery we make it through but we get a call right after my hand surgery that my sister is in the hospital she had some kidney infection ( My sister also has MS) things go down hill from there a week later she dies, she was only 41 my only sibling.
Three days later my best friend (child hood friend of 23 years) her father dies. I am at the funeral I leave my cell phone in the van and my mom comes to the church and say your son is in the ER (this is our youngest he is now almost 3, he fell off a chair onto a lego and cut his chin open and knocked his bottom teeth so loose they had to pull them out, YES our luck sucks.
So this is now 2005 , my dad just got diagnosed with cancer my husband and I are trying to by a house with either a in law suit or close to my parents so I can help my mom out, this is very hard on my husband not only do we love our home but the houses in the area we need to go are MUCH higher then here . So we find a house and move 5 minutes from my parents unfortunately it need a lot of work but has more room then the one we sold so we decide to adopt a baby girl from Ethiopia , we start that process as well ,about 6 months after we moved to help my parents they end up moving 3 hours away due to the increase in electric here and their budget YES my husband was quite upset. In the middle of all this I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and have to start Remicade treatments once a month (at least the surgery's are now explained.
Now its 2007 almost 2008 and we find out that the fee's are almost doubling for the adoption of our baby girl and it will be $30,000 instead of $20,000 so now we cant adopt ,we had been working on this for over a year and had all ready put $6,000 into the fee's and they do not refund you any money. We were devastated it was like having a miscarriage all over again.
I starting getting pets I had pygmy goats ducks, birds, lizards, you name it I saved it I guess I had to mother??
NOW is when the BOMB went off the WORST day of my WHOLE life I knew things were wrong my husband had acted strange for a few months when my son went to pron in May ,he had got so angry at me right in front of friends he actually pushed me so hard in the stomach it felt like he punched me I cried for a half hour, my friend has known him 18 years and was even shocked. At my sons graduation he was real nasty and even in the pictures he looked miserable I came right out and asked him twice in that month are you having a affair of course he said no, then at the end of August 2008, we were moving furniture in the kitchen we had remodeled had brand new floor and it was really heavy I am tiny and couldnt lift very well and it ripped the floor we were yelling at each other and he acted like he was going to hit me and I told him get OUT leave
(well he actually left and took close his lap top went to his mistresses house and came back for his motorcycle ) I called him and asked him what are you doing ,he has been drinking that day and should not have even been driving he said you told me to leave and I asked him if he was cheating and that's how I found out on the phone. My whole world crumbled in a second the man I would jump in front of a bus for just shattered my heart into a million pieces.
I asked him to come home so we could talk he said he felt dead inside broke my heart again, I asked who it was and he lied about that to. I was so distraught I suffer from depression as it is so I was a mess I drove into a guard rail going 50 miles a hour it didnt do anything to me just my van which I now to this day still have to be reminded of because we could afford to fix all of it. He didnt even come home when he heard I did that , he said he would come home the next day. When he came home there were a lot of tears and I had 1,000?s which he did answer he said he was sorry and it was over and he made a mistake and ect.. I believed him , he also said it was someone he met that sells supply's to his work but not someone who works there( I knew that was a lie) I did my homework and I knew she worked there. I wanted to beleive it was over but I just had this feeling and I had to find out exactly who she was where she lived and ect...to top it all off she knows me, she took pictures and hugs from MY son makes me want to vomit and she even took money from us the bank raised money for a surgery she had to have and we gave money for it .BUT when I went to WV to see my mom who had open heart surgery in September and checked his phone logs when I got back he had been on the phone with her while I was gone broke my heart again...I was furious and told him it was over ,My husband told her he wanted to work it out with his wife and he loved me and he had not slept with her in a months but because they work in the same department he was still talking to her to keep the peace as he put it, NO WAY she is not talking to my husband for any reason I had all his email passwords now and she emailed him nude photos I was so sick and so upset thinking he asked for them because she said in the message you better tell me you love me again that I took a overdose of sleeping pills I hadnt slept in a week I just wanted to sleep so bad my friend called 911 because I wouldn't open the door and I ended up on the sike ward in the hospital for 2 days.
my husband and I were in counseling and when I found out they were still talking I flipped out and would not answer the phone he left work and came home and we went right to our councilor we decided we had to go to eh BOSS at my husbands work, my husband said he LOVED me and wanted me and if he loses his job so be it ,but she wouldn't leave him alone and this was the only way who knew to stop contact so I wouldn't be hurt anymore.
On the way to meet his boss this women actually kept calling his cell phone I guess the boss had told her she had a meeting with my husband and she was afraid he was telling them I answered the phone and she said put Barry on the phone you crazy bitch ... man I just wanted to.. well I wont say what I wanted to do but other wife who have been through this know what I mean.
So we told the boss and they had to go to the president of the bank my husbands boss has known us for 20 years so this was quite embarrassing for my husband and the president has known us just as long as a matter of fact he divorced his 1st wife due to infidelity. The president warned her not to bother us again or call or email my husband or she would lose her job. Ok so here we are my husband asked me to remarry him we redid our vowels at the poconos May 1st 2009 on our 21st wedding anniversary , we were in counseling 1.5 years , he calls me txs me emails me, never works late , if he has to work a weekend he takes our 7 year old with him so I feel secure. He tells me all the time how he would rather die then hurt me again , how he hates his self for what he has done how this mistake made him realize what he HAS AND WHAT HE NEVER WANTS TO LOSE!!
He even cry's a lot and he is not a emotional man usually so WHY WHY.. cant I get trust back WHY do I feel like he would do it again? Is it because people say once a cheater always a cheater?? I know I have done things in my life I wouldn't do again I have never cheated, but we all do things and say man that was dumb dont do that again. This was a 5 month affair they had sex once a month this was not a long time affair they never went out together he never bought her anything , she has done this before from what the people at work say she likes married men ugh... I beleive my husband when he says she came onto him BUT HE SHOULD HAVE SAID NO NO NO.. he knows that but she also knows he was married and should have never taken advantage of his weak moments knowing he was down he said she would just tx him sexual tx and jokes and he just assumes she was that kind of person HELLO red flag you dont associate with people like that , and NO he did not give her his cell # its on the work directory.
Sorry for the book we have been through so much I feel like I could explode I LOVE my husband but I feel like I will never trust again its been a year and 5 months and I still have NO trust....
Any one does he sound like he wants his marriage like he made a mistake??
PS: They still work together which makes it so so hard on me he has had his resumes out (he has a great job) and jobs are so hard to find right now and this is a stable job, she could work anywhere hers is like a teller position his is IT and he runs the whole department. We were hoping she would quit but I think she likes making me suffer.
for got to add
I also found all my husbands phone logs to her and all the tx and the email that was made separate that didnt know about, that's how I found out who she was and that she worked with him by her phone # I did a reverse phone # search online and it showed her name and address.
This women would actually send her 8 year old son away (his father is in jail) and she has custody and she would send him away to have sex with a married man , I guess she should win mother of the year.
NOW my husband lets me have all his passwords to emails and his phone, ect.
BUT I can not have his work email or voice mail passwords because its confidential
( I do struggle with that because its something I cant check) but everything else he is completely open about, work related I guess he could get in trouble?
Lizz
triggers and more triggers
I, too, have the same distrust triggers as everyone who has replied so far. I found out about my husband's affair 15 months ago and it has been a roller coaster ride ever since. The weird thing is that he requested that we go to marriage counseling about two months BEFORE I found out about the affair, so he was seeing her while we began counseling. Boy did I get an earful about what a lousy wife I was and had been for our whole marriage. I was totally stunned. Once I found out about the affair, her said he ended it, but he didn't. He is the president of a small company and she is an employee. She does not report directly to him, but she is a VP and does need to have frequent contact with him. It took him about six months (and a DUI and a license suspension AND the marriage counselor telling him he HAD to end it) in order for him to actually do it. So I, too, have many, many triggers to deal with. For the last four months or so he has been a totally different person and seems to be trying to turn his life around in many ways...he is seeing a counselor on his own, he has stopped drinking and he is trying to be transparent. I, however, am having difficulty believing it is all true, that he really wants to be with me, etc, etc. In fact our session with the our marriage counselor last night was about this very topic. We want to move forward and build a better marriage than we ever have had, but I seem to be the blocking point right now. I have to work on my triggers and let him know without becoming so emotional what they are and what he can do to help me. And he has...when he called on day to say he was going "out with the boys" after a meeting that evening and I said that I was uncomfortable with it, he didn't go, he came home! I know that is not the solution, that he needs to be able to see his friends again, but the fact that he came home was a big step for him. In the past, he would have gone anyway regardless of my feelings. He has done something like this several times over the past couple of months. But, still, I have my doubts, both about my appeal to him and what appeal the OW still may hold. So I am trying to work on my triggers,so that we can move forward in our relationship and just hope that the old saying "if it seems to good to be true, it probably is" is NOT true in this case!
?
You said-
The weird thing is that he requested that we go to marriage counseling about two months BEFORE I found out about the affair, so he was seeing her while we began counseling. Boy did I get an earful about what a lousy wife I was and had been for our whole marriage. I was totally stunned.
Did your husband every say (HE TOO) was the cause of his affair from your statement it sounds like he is blaming you saying you were a lousy wife?? My husband did terrible things to me lied, cheated, ect but I know the affair even thought HE HAD IT was both our faults not just his , it was a wake up call for us that we needed help , dont get me wrong I tell my husband all the time if he would have just come to me TOLD ME I never would have had to be crushed like this we could have went to counseling and started help right away.
BUT one thing I learned from counseling is you both are to blame and if your husband has not admitted that it wont work no matter how hard you try.
I feel for you I just posted
I feel for you I just posted the LONG post my name is Lizz,
I could never let my husband go out with buddys I would not be able to trust him.
But then again he really never has went out with buddys before we were always a family oriented couple if we went out it was in couples and if he drinks its only at home or at party's.
But if someone asked him to go for a drink after work I would just not be able to handle it.
So I know what you mean.
They took that trust away from us its so hard to get back.
The affair
My husband ended his 9 month affair in January but not until I caught him. I had suspected for about 2 months because of some weird texts than an obvious text and finally I saw the hotel credit charges. He just couldn't deny it any longer. But the way he lied to me still creeps me out, he could look me in the eye, swear on our kids lives...anything really. So it's been a year and I still think about it every day, I imagine it as well any scenario. It can be so graphic it makes my stomach turn. The worst part was that I was pregnant, and then had a newborn, I had a very difficult labor that resulted in a c-section. Later, upon looking at the phone bill, I find out that his "girlfriend" was like the second person he called about our new baby while I was in the recovery room. I was a new mom, what was I supposed to do, he said he ended the affair but how will I ever believe him again or better yet how can I ever forgive him?
hurting too
Hi, My story is so similar it makes my stomach turn. I caught my husband cheating on me 12 days before my baby was born. We went to bed together around 8 I was so tired. I woke up at 10 and he was no longer at home. I called him and he said he was picking some friends up from the bar. I waited up for him until 2 AM. The bars close here at 1 Am. I had been suspicious for 2 months already just to tired and sick to spy on him. I had enough energy to do my desk job and that was it. He got home I gave him a kiss goodnight.
Once he fell asleep I picked up his cell phone and went down stairs only to discover the texts to the other woman. Saying stuff about how he misses her and how amazing it was to screw around with her and others about myself and how he loves me just isn't in love with me. the next morning I went to work and was a complete reck so I came home early and had my parents over to pack important documents, make copies of bills (verizon!!), etc. anything that could help me in a divorce (I think cheating is against the law in ND) He came home over lunch (my parents disappeared). I acted like nothing was wrong (he had no clue I knew). The Verizon bill confirmed he had been seeing this girl for 2 months (I should've followed my instincts and got of my prego ass to spy on him).
When he returned home and hopped in the shower I once again stole his phone sat outside and waited for him. He denied everything until after about the 3rd time of me saying do you want me to show you the proof. I told him he had to choose me or her. and even if he does choose me there is a chance a few months down the road that I would choose to leave him. He thought about it for a few hours which killed me. finally, He chose me. I gave him rules within a couple of months he was already breaking those rules. No pool league (thats how he met the girl) No bar and we must tell his parents what happened.
3 months after the affair he told me he was going to be on pool league again. I told him that I was not ready for such a big step.
No body knew about the affair except my workplace, my parents and my sister, and 2 of my closest girlfriends. It was horrible keeping it all bodled inside. We went to marriage counseling for the first time 3 months after the affair. so difficult. The next day the obsession was killing me. I called "the other woman" turns out Chris called her the week before. I told him I knew he called her and he denied it. I left him. We separated for 3 months. I have been with him again now for 2 weeks. And am still in so much pain. I just don't know how I will ever trust him. How could he lie to my face so many times (especially when I had proof!)
I love him so much. Our 2 years of marriage before the affair was great. We got along great, never argued, shared in chores equally, agreed on our finances and lifestyle. I just don't picture me meshing so well with anyone else. I just don't know how to "get past the past"
I like the letters from Dr. G but it seems all of his examples have the cheater confessing. Chris hasn't ever confessed anything the only reason I know anything is because I spyed on him (even though I have always been against spying but I had every reason of suspicion) Now I find myself obsessed, misrable, depressed, angry, devastated, hurt, frustrated, and untrusting! Even after having proof he deny's and lies! How can I ever trust him again and where would I go to get him to take a polygraph test.
I also would like a computer frensics because he has been masterbating with women in instant messangers and webcam for 5 years and I learned about this through my limited skill in computer history and googling his name (he had open blogs with women too). We have only been married 2 years and I learned all of this garbage 7 months ago (all within 12 days of giving birth to our 1st child)
I found out about my
I found out about my husbands affair almost 2 years ago. His mistress called me, they had been seeing each other for 1 1/2 years at that point..It continued on for another 1 1/2 years,...He kept lying to both of us..I asked for him to leave and divorce, but he refused because he loved me and didn't want a divorce..Finally he broke total communication from her @ 5 months ago.He has beeen totally transparent and cooperative and on best husband behavior since then.. What is hard, is that when you have been lied to, for so long, it is hard to believe anything..but he is doing nothing at all to make me suspicious, like I said "model behavoir". Some of the things that he did to me during the affair were so horrible, I can't get it out of my head "how do you do those things to someone you love?" I couldn't do those things to someone I hated. How could he throw me under the bus like that?..and if he did it before would he do it again? Also, I know so many details about the affair (thanks to the crazy mistress) fatal attraction X 1000, that not a moment in my day goes by that I am not thinking about it, because everything triggers it! We are trying to start over and work on our marriage, he is in full compliance, but prefers not to talk about it at all..He says it is a bad nightmare for him and he is so ashamed for what he did to me and our family...How do I stop questioning his loyalty to me, stop obsessing about the details, and move on with him to start over?
Distrust Triggers
My husband is currently out of town. This is the first time since he confessed his affair Last nght he called me early during the night. He was pressed for time but promised to call bsck later, after dinner. He never called. I called him twice but he never return my call. Prior to him leaving he had been distant and mad at me. I am telling myself to relax and not get myself all worked up but it has been impossible. I spent the entire night tossing and turning with my mind imagining a million and one scenrios with his ex-paramour. I honestly feel like I am going to lose my mind.
fear
Your feelings are completely normal. I don't know what I would do if I were you. A part of me thinks I would go to all limits to spy on him. I am a victim of an affair as well and I don't even trust my husband to pick up groceries. I call him at least once during his short adventure and listen for background noises. How obsessive, right. It is hard and completely normal. I just hope the pain goes away.
I caught my husband in lies 7 months ago: 12 days before my baby was born. I've caught him in lies since but not nearly as significant as his affair and his internet sex addictions. We separated and now are together again and I am thinking about moving back to my appartment just to get away from seeing him daily and feeling the hurt he caused me! He's trying hard (on the surface anyway) but I doubt how sincere he is!
mistrust
My husband has always been a people watcher but now that I have learned about his affair with a coworker, I am unable to think of anything else every time his eyes wander. Does he really love me? Does he crave a younger, prettier woman? I find myself scouting out the scene just to see what he might be looking at and in the past, I was always only seeing "him" whenever we were in public. How do you get over this and get some self esteem back?
Mary
mistrust
Mary, he does love you, it's not you. It's hard to believe that they actually love you, but I believe they do, in thier own way. Not everyone loves the same way. As far a a younger or prettier woman, I donlt think that is always the case. I think it is who is available at the time. My husband cheated the first time on a woman who was older than both of us, not very pretty and one we have known for years. The Second was 20 years younger and again not a looker, just at the right place at the right time and finally this last time, he said she was insane and ugly as a dog. I was friends with her for over 20 years and he was constanly commenting on her. But everything changed when her mother died. She was a mess. And it was a crime of oppurtunity. I was at work and he had the day free... So please don't think you are not good enough for him! Stop beating yourself up, it takes a while to get over something like this and even longer to get your self esteem back. Just remember you did nothing wrong. BE STRONG!
Susan
mistrust
Mary, how long has it been since you learned of the affair? I found out 4 1/2 years ago and after all this time, I still do not trust - not just him - I don't trust anyone. The OP's husband was a deacon in a local church and the OP was in church every time the doors opened. I learned of the affair from an (as of yet) unidentified caller, whom I suspect attended the same church with the OP and her deacon husband. The OP works for a local, small-town newspaper and I find myself wanting to go to her workplace, drag her off her chair, and beat the s_ _ _ out of her. After I found out, he admitted to a "friendship" and both have denied any sexual relationship. David is my domestic partner and has been for 22 years. I was absolutely devastated and still have touble accepting that "it happened to me". I don't know what will happen. I am not yet strong enough to remove myself from my situation. In fact, I don't want to live without him, but I also do not want to continue mistrusting him. The very nature of the "J" family is that of privacy/secrecy. That does not help matters. I sought counseling after I learned of the deception and I purchased "How to Survive an Affair". Both helped, but I have not completely recovered and I do not think I ever will. I think self esteem is the key. I am trained in the legal profession (not an attorney) and I always examine the other side of the coin. I think that is partly the reason that I have doubts. I told David on two occasions to leave and he said he loves me and does not want to leave. He said he was sorry for hurting me, but I was hurt so deeply that I just can't seem to let go and trust again. You are not alone with your feelings - there are thousands of others. I was 59 when this happened to me and David is three years younger that I. I think had I been younger, I would have been better able to cope. Again, GOOD LUCK. Betty S.
mistrust
Its nearly a year since I found out my husband was about to embark on an affair with a co worker, and that while he worked away from home 6 years ago, he did have an affair.
It killed any trust I had in him, I now see him in a different light, I have found that I have a hard time believing anything that comes out of his mouth.
If he gives me a compliment, I dont't believe he is sincere, if we have a heart to heart, I feel as if he is just saying what I want to hear.
I know I can't go on like this, that one day I will tire
of feeling second best, and not quite good enough,and thats the day I will break free from this misery and be my own person again, someone who would not put up with this, someone who is strong and able to be independant.
At least thats what I hope for.
The Sad Truth of it all
I could not help but comment after reading all the blog entries on this topic. About a year ago I had suspected my wife was having an affair. I confronted her and was told it was not the case, a few months afterwards I had gathered enough proof to confront her again and this time during the conversation she admitted the truth, and stated that it was over. She said they ended it because they are both married and suddenly came to realization that what they were doing was wrong and that they were hurting so many of us that they were compelled to do the right thing. Her affair lasted 9-12 months, it has been almost 7 months since that day and not a word of it has proven to be true. While they may not be having sex anymore, however they still keep in touch via phone, text messaging and mostly facebook. I initially thought that she was sincere and that we did have a chance to rebuild a new life and move forward that this occurance would make us stronger. However since she is still communicating in a secretive way I can only assume it's on purpose and meant to be deceitful.I have been married to my wife for 24 1/2 years. Because of her overall health she has not worked out of the home for the last 11 years. Two of our children are grown and out of the house but our daughter is only 11. I don't want a divorce. I love her just as much as I did the day we met. I am a considerate man, very responsible and dedicated to my family. Even in light of the truth I have continued to be the best husband that I can be, i do many things different from before, and in many ways I do more trying to make up for any possible shortcomings I may have had in the past. I try not to let the triggers creep up on me, but they do. The images in my head are horrendous. I feel trust is non existant. I cannot bring myself to believe anything she says. I recently came to the realization that no matter what as long as we love them more we will suffer more, the one who loves the least in the relationship holds all of the cards and because of our love for these people we will usually put up with behaviors we ourselves would never consider. It's hard to imagine a life without her, I guess eventually if things don't change I will have to get used to that idea. Continuing to live under these conditions is not healthy for any of us. Thanks for listening I know that sharing the intimate parts of the affairs makes us relive them each and everytime. Thank you Dr Gunzburg for this forum and the ability to share our experiences. I wish you all a better day and a hope that th future will be brighter for all of us. Sincerely, Bill
Sad Truth of it all
Bill, my heart goes out to you. I wish I could cry for everyone that has ever been cheated on and make their pain go away. I am too, grateful for Dr. Guntzburg. Just being able to talk to someone in the same situation, and not have to hear those who don't know what it's like, screaming "GET OUT". I understand your situation, for I am in the same boat. But I stoped trying to be the best wife. It's hard because my husband tries so hard to make me as accountable as he is. He is constanly following me around, checking my phone calls and believing or just saying it to hurt me, that I am having an affair. God forbid I take an interset in any male I come across, then I am cheating. Heaven help me if I mention any male I am working with. Please stay as wonderful as you are (oh if he saw this he'd think I was cheating with you too) and trust in yourself. Maybe one day, your wife will realize, just what a lucky woman she is....
Susan
Mistrust & Sad Truth of it all
I replied to Mary earlier in the day under "mistrust". This was my first time to post/reply. After reading all the other posts, I realize that my feelings are practically the same as all the others who have been betrayed. I understand the hurt all of you feel and I feel better knowing that others understand what I am experiencing. By the way, Bill, thank you for signing your name. We are not the ones that have something to hide and I really don't care who knows about my partner's affair. I don't feel any obligation to protect him or the OP (other person). In fact, her name is Sharon and we live in a small town in Southwest Virginia, in Lee County. To everyone who is hurting: we will get through this. I love David very much and I want to live the rest of my life with him. I just want to be able to trust again and know that he is not lying to me. Betty
This is very discouraging. I
This is very discouraging. I was hoping to read a post about a couple working through the trust issues. I found out about my husband's affair about 1.5 years ago. After lying for 3 years (our entire relationship we even got married while he was having an affair; I still don't understand why he wanted to get married) he finally admitted it. I moved out, bought a condo and wanted to start over. He wanted me back, we went to counseling and I moved back in. I think about his cheating every day. When I get discouraged and talk to him about it, he gets very sad. He says he is sorry about what he did and that he'll never do it again. The problem is, I just don't believe him. He looked me in the eye and lied to me for three years. Holding me, telling me he was absolutely telling me the trush, when he was lying. Now, I can't find a way to trust him. We've tried transparency, but he struggles with reporting to mom. I'm not happy and he knows it. I want to work it out, I'm just not sure I'll ever trust him and that really isn't much of a marriage for either one of us.
discouraged
I would be discouraged, our marriage counselor told us it takes a LONG time to earn the trust back its been 15 months and from the way she talked even a year is what she calls not long enough, i think it is different for every couple and some may get it back quicker some may not get it back at all.
Lizz
discouraged
Liz, it takes a long time, believe me and it may never happen. But if you truly love him and are not with him out of some kind of need you can make it work. I have been living with it for 13 years. When I finally trusted him, he did it again. The time before this was 6 years and I was just at the brink of forgetting it all, when it happened again. This last time, it was three years and I was going to just give in. I think he would have tried a little harder if he had a REAL counselor, one that was actually trying to save our marriage. One who didn't say, "HE DID IT, HE'S SORRY, NOW GET OVER IT"! I suggest if you can afford it, get "How to Survive an Affair" It helped me through. Believe in yourself and what YOU want in life.
Susan
thanks
Yes it does take a long time,
Susan I am sorry you have been through so much.
As I have found from our wonderful counselor and all the books she had us read.
One affair is a mistake but more then one is a choice .
I will not out up with more then ONE my husband gets one time to make things right if it happens again , he is out and I am starting my life over I have been with him 24 years but I am worth more then that.
I wish you the BEST and hope your husband respects you one day it sounds like you LOVE him very very much!!
Lizz
Similar situation
This is the first time I read of a similar situation to mine! Usually I hear stories of husbands cheating after several years of marriage but not from the start. I met my boyfriend a little over three years ago and found out last spring that he had been cheating on me from the very beginning. Basically from day one. Before we moved in together he would spend three nights with the other women and three with me. She was from church and had no clue that there was someone else involved! Although Iw as the one he introduced to his family and he spent the weekends and any special occasions with me he still kept seeing her on the days we weren't together. It went on for almost two and a half years until I found out through some text messages. By then we had been living together for seven months so he hand't been able to spend the night with her but he was still on contact with her and kept telling her how much he loved her.
I had had a feeling that something was wrong and had asked him before if there was someone else. Like the other cheaters he took me in his arms, looked me in the eyse and said "absolutely not. You're the only one!"
I had never been so in love and was beyond devastated when he finally confessed. I still can't believe what happen. I still hope to wake up one day and realize it was nothing but a bad dream.
After a couple of months he finally confessed the whole truth to the other woman and she "dumped him". He says he wants to work things out but never wants to talk about it. It took him six months to finally confess the extend of his relationship with the other woman. I found old e-mails where he told her all the things he would tell me. It made me feel so worthless. Before I found out I did everything to support him and encourage him. I gave him my whole heart. I helped him with his mother and his aunt. I was always there for him. I even paid for a trip to Paris for us but I guess it didn't mean annything to him.
How he could live such a double life for so long is beyond me. I just can not understand me and it makes me want to vomit. I can not even count the amount of lies he told me. On three nights a week he would talk to me late at night, tell me how much he loved me, then hang up the phone and knock at her door. It baffles me that anyone woudl be able to do this. I can not believe how many lies he told me day after day and without the slightest hesitation. I still have trust issues too. The images of their nights together and the sweet things he said to her haunt me every day. I still break down crying, wanting it all to end.
The worst part is that I am torn between leaving him to get a new start and trying to work things out. There are days when I believe that I just can't stand the pain anymore. I want to believe that there is a future for us but the past ist constantly haunting me.
Similar situation
Oh my heart bleeds for you. G out before it is too late. I was married 13 years the first time. I think he was just trying out his skills, and I don't think he got far, before I caught him. He begged me to give him 6 years and the kids would be grown and we would have each other. Six years to the month, he was cheating on me. It wasn't bad enough that he lied to her, he constantly told her about his children, which she looked up on facebook and became friends with. She even had the nerve to question my son, who told her the truth and showed up at my house and tell me about her 40 something boyfriend with the red convertable! God knows what they were doing before I arrived! When it finally ended, and I presented him with evidence, that she gave to my son,(my son would not come home for days) he still denied it all! That was three years ago and even though I let him back in, he still crossed the line again. A friend's mom died and I was helping her over her grief. He would go over there once in a while without me, but said she and her mother were strange, not to mention she was very unattractive and that he would never go over there without me again. (He didn't know she had called me twice that he went over after that ) Lo and behold two weeks ago there was a light snow and he went over to see if she needed anything. WHY, because he needed something. Despite my warnings to her not to let him in when I was not there, she knew what he was like and about all his transgressions,she let him in. That's when he tried to kiss her, when she didn't yield, he said some hurtful things about her boyfriend and then left. About ten minutes later he texted me and let me know he was eating a scrapple sandwich, at the same time she was sending me a voice mail telling me what he had done. And as usual everyone but him, is a liar. PLEASE you are not married yet, get out. It's too hard later on. It doesn't get easier, it hurts way more. Just when you think you can trust them again, they are right there hurting you. Your boyfriend slipped up this time, but next time he will be more careful. He has an idea of what you will be looking for, so he will steer clear of those things. MAKE THE BREAK NOW!
Triggers
To anyone, man or woman, who is reading these blogs, I did not look back after discovering my husband's affair five years ago. I recommended he get counseling, which he did. I could not muster motivation or interest in marriage counseling. We tried to makes things work for 10 months. I filed for divorce.
I decided that I deserved better and did not want to invest time into saving the marriage and risking being cheated on again. My ex husband had a clandestine 2-year affair at his office.
It is my recommendation to a cheated-on spouse to end the relationship and look for someone with character and honesty. That is what I did. It was hell but worth it, even at middle age.
Betrayed but thriving again. NOTE: Getting over betrayal takes a very long time. It is one of the most insidious forms of emotional and psych abuse.
Still a lot of triggers
I found out in June that my boyfriend of 7 years cheated on me 1 1/2 years earlier. One of his employees told me about it. At first he denied it, and then finally confessed. Over the years I've heard murmurs about him cheating, but dismissed them, because I thought we had a great physical connection. I was a wreck for two months, couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop imagining with her. We tried counseling -- went twice and would have continued to go, but on my birthday in November he made a sexual comment about another woman and I lost it. Didn't talk to him for 3 weeks. Tried a reconcilation, but during the time apart he put up a ton of profiles on adult dating sites. They're still up. A couple weeks ago, we were in a pub and the bartender told me that he was inappropriate with her. I think I'm finally done. I don't trust him. He hasn't tried to rebuild the trust. He keeps referring to his "mistake" and gets mad that I am not getting over it. It's hopeless. I just wonder how many women there really were.
Repeat cheaters and distrust
All of it an more. I have been reading all of your posts. Unfortuantely, I really think that if people, whether it be male of female, see an opportunity to cheat, and not get caught, they will go for it. Call it human nature? I don't know.
Just never trust anyone 100%.
I have learned that the hard way. I have been married for 29 years, dated 5 years before that, and have 2 children. I am college-educated a work professional and am told damn good-looking and in great physical shape. (had to add that, lest people think it is always the 'dumpy' looking and "dumb" wives - of which I personnally don't think any of us are), it is not - cases in point: Elin Woods, Christie Brinkley, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards' wife, Elliot Spitzer's wife, etc etc the list goes on -beautiful AND smart women.)
I have lost my business, due to my husbands' repeated affairs. 3x that I know of anyway. And the deception, lies, etc., hard to believe it has happened to me, but, it has. And our children. I feel they suffer even more. Two daughters, I doubt they will ever trust men again, maybe a good thing though. They won't be hurt as much.
He wouldn't continue counseling. Went 1x, and said it was "bogus" "a waste of time", and a "waste of money". That was all he said. Right.
I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I mean, after 3x!! I got my own boyfriends, and decided to up the ante...I had 6 - and - all younger than me - and of course...much younger than hime!!! yipeee!! (was alot of fun, still is!!). (yes, was a bit crazy at times! As I did it all at once! LOL!! Kind forgot some of their names!!
Anyway, I told the H, after I was done. He had no idea. He was shocked. Shock and awe. Then angry with me. Oh, what surprise!! See how it feels? LOL! Interesting. He never thought I'd do that, I guess, I said, and how does it make your feel...warm and fuzzy, honey?
I just go about my own life now. We still live together, moeny and kid wise, he said he wants to grow old with me, I said, well, buddy, you should have thought of that 3x ago, my good friend. Right. I have no idea what I am going to do next, either does he!!! LOL!!! He is worried. Too bad, eh?
God bless all of you, there is another life out there waiting for you to grasp it!!! Don't worry too much or put too much more time into "the old man". He wouldn't and didn't think twice about you, did he? Just enjoy life, with him, at times, and, with your own friends! (whomever they may happen to be!! Hee hee!) Life is short.