I’m making myself miserable
How to Eliminate Images of the Paramour

“I have no idea what she looks like, but that doesn’t stop my mind from filling in the shadowy details,” Maryann said. “We’re struggling to work on repairing our marriage, but I can’t get rid of these pictures in my mind. My husband says I’m focusing too much attention on it and that it’s me making myself miserable. He just doesn’t understand, and I’m hoping for the day where I’ll go a whole 24 hours without having an image of him and her together.”

It’s common, if you are the victim of an affair, to carry around images in your mind. You have probably experienced this excruciating daily exercise in what is often fantasy thinking.

“We’ve been working on rebuilding our marriage for several months now,” said Tina. “But I’m having a hard time coping with the memories from that whole dark episode in our marriage. It’s been almost ten months since I found out about the affair.

The period surrounding that time was one of the worst of my life, from a year before Dan’s fling when we weren’t getting along, to the days and early months after I found out. It continues to haunt me, in the background of every effort we’re making to save our marriage. I just want to get rid of these memories. Isn’t there some way to hit the ‘delete’ button so I can be free of them, once and for all?”

“Fifteen years I’ve invested in this marriage,” said Joe. “Fifteen years, and then I come to find out she’s had an affair with her old high school squeeze. It’s not bad enough to think you’re happy all those years, but then to get socked with something like that? Not to mention, my mind no longer feels like it’s my own. Everything I think now seems to come with its own dark cloud. Over and over in my head—it’s like a funeral in there. I’d like to be happy, like I was. Or thought I was. And that’s just it. How am I supposed to think things are going to get better, when my head is stuck in this pool of negativity? I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

How to Know Your Spouse Isn’t Lying

“I’m having a hard time believing a word that comes out of his mouth,” said Ann. “When I think back to the time before I knew the truth of the affair, and how effortlessly those lies came when I’d ask why he was late getting home, well, I don’t know how I can ever trust him again. How do I know he isn’t lying?”

Ann found herself unsure of her ability to know the truth from the lies. She struggled with the blow to her self-esteem in being unable to know she was being deceived. Believing her spouse was late coming home for the reasons he gave had caused her to feel inadequate in protecting herself, unable to spot the lies when they first occurred.

How to Understand What Your Spouse is Thinking

“I don’t know why Ed doesn’t get it,” Nancy complained to Karen. “I simply don’t know where he is coming from! I try to explain my thoughts and feelings to him and it is like he is living in a different world!!”

As Karen intently listened, Nancy continued. “I am worried about him not caring about us anymore. Maybe there’s another woman. Maybe I just don’t get it. I don’t understand, I am totally confused, Karen!!”

Karen thought for a moment and replied, “Everything may be different for Ed than it is for you. His world is different, everybody’s is. Jerry and I had a similar problem until we took the time to listen to one another. Then I was able to see how he felt from his point of view. I am wondering if you are aware of how Ed sees things.”

How to Communicate Without Arguing

Terry was lost in his thoughts as he drove home after a long, grueling day at the office. He was not looking forward to arriving home. After spending all day trying to get prospective clients to give him their business, he was convinced that upon getting home that his wife, Donna, was going to give him the business, and he wasn’t buying it.

“I can hear it now already,” he thought to himself. “The minute I get in the door, ‘We need to talk!’ will be the first words out of her mouth.” He wished that he could tell her, “No, you need to talk and I am supposed to listen to you endlessly drone on with the same old song and dance.”

Encouraging Your Spouse to Believe in Your Marriage

Ann was frustrated, frightened and lost when she explained to her best friend, Cindy, “I don’t know what to do. When Bob comes home, he stays isolated in his own little world. He just withdraws and won’t communicate.

“After dinner, he turns on the TV and tunes me out. It is almost like he doesn’t care about me or our marriage. He doesn’t seem to have any confidence in us being happy together anymore. He seems to have given up on us. I tried bringing up going to a marriage counselor, but instead he said we can ‘figure it out ourselves.’

Jessica had noticed a change in Eric’s behavior lately. He was pensive, distant, disconnected. He seemed to be hiding something.

She had seen him act this way before, and it made her sick to her stomach to see it again.

The last time he was like this, he was having an affair.

Her mind reeled at the terrifying possibilities.

What if he had gone back to his old lover? What if he found a new one? She had already been through the nightmare once. She didn’t think she could handle it again.

When Jessica asked Eric about it, he said, “I know I’ve been a little off recently. And I know what you’re thinking. You have every right to your suspicions, but it isn’t like that. Not this time. I’d like to tell you about this sweetie. But I can’t. Not right now. Give me time, and I will share everything with you.

In my last post, I began a conversation about sex addiction: what it is, who it affects, and why it happens. That post has only been up for a week or so. But in that brief time, I’ve received dozens of comments and questions. Many of you have dealt with a sex-addicted spouse, or have tried to overcome your own sex addiction.

The refrain I hear, again and again, is: What do I do now? What is the next step? Is there any hope for us? Sex addiction can be devastating. It leaves many unanswered questions in its wake, and it brings its own kind of mistrust into the spouse’s mind.

Today, I would like to share steps you can take RIGHT NOW to prevent a sex addiction from ruining your relationship. I want to show you ways to deal with suspicion in potentially productive ways.

“Our sex life was good for years. Then, something just snapped in him. It started around the time he turned 50. I would go to bed, and he would stay awake. One night, I got up to grab a drink of water and found him in the den, staring at porn on the Internet.”

Many women have had this experience, or something very similar to it. Maybe you cherished your “normal” sex life with your husband, only to find out that he’s been harboring dark and deviant fantasies. Maybe you have stumbled across a stash of pornographic magazines and DVDs—even though you never suspected your husband of being aroused by such graphic images.