Take This One Step to Begin Effective Communication with Your Spouse

“After he confessed to the affair, I couldn’t talk to him,” said Clarissa. “It seemed weeks passed before I could say a simple “yes” or “no” in response to his questions or statements. We’ve been married for over 15 years, and deep down, I want to save our marriage. He has already told me he will do whatever it takes. My struggle now is with how to communicate again at a level where we can move forward. I find that when we do try to talk, it quickly dissolves into my shouting out my anger, frustration and pain. I look at him and think, after what he has done, how can I believe a word that comes out of his mouth? I don’t know how to move past that.”

“I was shocked by Rick’s revelation of the affair,” said Janice. But just as shocking is the way Rick has been behaving. He has apologized, but it seems what he’d really like to do is just sweep it all under the rug like it never happened. I thought he had a conscience, but from what I can see, he doesn’t seem to feel any true guilt about his actions. I’m sure he’d be only too happy for it all to magically go away, but it’s not that easy for me. This has cut me to the core. I don’t understand how he can act like it’s nothing, or ignore the damage it has done to our relationship.”

“While my wife was in the shower, I checked her work phone,” Jim confessed. “I’ve never done that before, but lately she’s been getting a lot of text messages, the phone buzzing evenings and weekends. Something told me the increase wasn’t work-related, because she hadn’t mentioned any specific work issues going on. When I checked her messages, the same man’s name appeared, over and over. And then I read a few of the messages: they were anything but work-related. I confronted her, and she first tried to blame me for looking at her phone! Then, she broke down in tears and said this guy was just someone who listened to her, something she said I didn’t do anymore. She swears there’s been nothing physical, but I don’t know … His messages showed he had more than a friendly interest, and if they haven’t already, it’s probably a matter of time.”

“My self-esteem has taken a plunge,” Terry confided. “Never did I think that would happen to me! I’m at the pinnacle of my career, raised a family—three well-adjusted kids. Just when I should be able to bask in all that I’ve worked so hard for over the years, I find out about the affair. Now here I am, like some teenager, wondering if I’m attractive enough, smart enough, accomplished enough… It’s a real challenge to work on saving this marriage and the doubts I now have about that, when I’m also trying to deal with all of these self-doubts—it’s overwhelming. My self-esteem is completely eroded. How am I supposed to work on building a better marriage, when I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self?”

“The one thing I’ve never heard him say is a simple “I’m sorry.” I’ve heard that much when he has stepped on my foot accidentally. But carry on an affair for five months? To him, it barely deserves a mention. The most I’ve gotten are some excuses and a lot of shrugs. How am I supposed to forgive him, when he hasn’t even asked for forgiveness, and he doesn’t think it’s even an issue?

If your spouse cheated and he or she isn’t showing authentic remorse, you are probably feeling insult added to injury, and you might also be feeling some or all of the following:

1. Puzzled by your spouse’s “not getting it” when it seems so obvious to you.

I’m making myself miserable
How to Eliminate Images of the Paramour

“I have no idea what she looks like, but that doesn’t stop my mind from filling in the shadowy details,” Maryann said. “We’re struggling to work on repairing our marriage, but I can’t get rid of these pictures in my mind. My husband says I’m focusing too much attention on it and that it’s me making myself miserable. He just doesn’t understand, and I’m hoping for the day where I’ll go a whole 24 hours without having an image of him and her together.”

It’s common, if you are the victim of an affair, to carry around images in your mind. You have probably experienced this excruciating daily exercise in what is often fantasy thinking.

“We’ve been working on rebuilding our marriage for several months now,” said Tina. “But I’m having a hard time coping with the memories from that whole dark episode in our marriage. It’s been almost ten months since I found out about the affair.

The period surrounding that time was one of the worst of my life, from a year before Dan’s fling when we weren’t getting along, to the days and early months after I found out. It continues to haunt me, in the background of every effort we’re making to save our marriage. I just want to get rid of these memories. Isn’t there some way to hit the ‘delete’ button so I can be free of them, once and for all?”

“Fifteen years I’ve invested in this marriage,” said Joe. “Fifteen years, and then I come to find out she’s had an affair with her old high school squeeze. It’s not bad enough to think you’re happy all those years, but then to get socked with something like that? Not to mention, my mind no longer feels like it’s my own. Everything I think now seems to come with its own dark cloud. Over and over in my head—it’s like a funeral in there. I’d like to be happy, like I was. Or thought I was. And that’s just it. How am I supposed to think things are going to get better, when my head is stuck in this pool of negativity? I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

How to Know Your Spouse Isn’t Lying

“I’m having a hard time believing a word that comes out of his mouth,” said Ann. “When I think back to the time before I knew the truth of the affair, and how effortlessly those lies came when I’d ask why he was late getting home, well, I don’t know how I can ever trust him again. How do I know he isn’t lying?”

Ann found herself unsure of her ability to know the truth from the lies. She struggled with the blow to her self-esteem in being unable to know she was being deceived. Believing her spouse was late coming home for the reasons he gave had caused her to feel inadequate in protecting herself, unable to spot the lies when they first occurred.

How to Understand What Your Spouse is Thinking

“I don’t know why Ed doesn’t get it,” Nancy complained to Karen. “I simply don’t know where he is coming from! I try to explain my thoughts and feelings to him and it is like he is living in a different world!!”

As Karen intently listened, Nancy continued. “I am worried about him not caring about us anymore. Maybe there’s another woman. Maybe I just don’t get it. I don’t understand, I am totally confused, Karen!!”

Karen thought for a moment and replied, “Everything may be different for Ed than it is for you. His world is different, everybody’s is. Jerry and I had a similar problem until we took the time to listen to one another. Then I was able to see how he felt from his point of view. I am wondering if you are aware of how Ed sees things.”